Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Torturing myself…One Dave at a time…

Posted by ashleeekaren on September 26, 2010

I am horny as hell. It’s awful. I want to have sex. And I decided to torture myself by hanging out with Dave last night. The entire time I was driving over to his house I was thinking about the year long celibacy that I have pledged. Then the thoughts of us rolling around on the bed, him pulling at my hair and kissing me hard… What celibacy pledge??

So I get there, and he has his shirt off. The funny thing is that he doesn’t really have a nice body so it doesn’t turn me on to see him that way. He’s kinda skinny actually, and a lot skinnier than any dude I’ve ever dated. (Remember, I’m a Joan) Yet for some reason I am still attracted to him. I make some smart ass remark about not knowing this was a No Shirt Party (using humor as a shield).

It’s incredibly hot in his apartment, he explains, and that’s why he has his shirt off. He runs and puts one on. Again, doesn’t really matter, cuz seeing him shirtless doesn’t turn me on, yet I still want to have sex with the guy.

We hang out a bit, have a couple smokes, and he says, “Let’s go for a drive.” Dave is in a bad mood – crappy week at work, people are pissing him off, and some girl he hit on didn’t call him back. Why he’s telling me (again) about some girl he hit on is beyond me. Why I don’t immediately understand we won’t be having sex tonight is also beyond me. This guy can’t decide what the hell he wants from me, one minute he tells me about chicks he hits on, the next he’s all over me, but then insisting we’re just friends… and I’m letting my hormones drown out any meager sense that I have left in my brain.

Driving makes Dave feel better. It’s a nice night anyway plus he loves the feel of his Mercedes and it usually calms him down to drive around. So I say ok, let’s go for a drive. He takes me down by the beach and up into the hills and the view is really nice.   I start babbling a little bit, then quickly pull back when I become paranoid that I’m not saying anything interesting. Dave is quiet. I make a couple jokes. He laughs a little, but goes back to brooding.

We stop and grab some food and head back to the house. I’m not really hungry…at least not for food. When can we have sex please?!?! We hang out for a bit longer and we chat a little here and there. He’s still in a bad mood and I’m thinking, why the hell did he invite me over if he’s feeling crappy? I try to distract him, try to make jokes. He tells a couple jokes and I laugh at them – they’re funny, but not THAT funny, but I know laughing at them will stroke his ego a bit. This man has such a fragile ego…Did I say man? I meant BOY.

I am hoping beyond hope that i will get the signal from him that he’s ready to play. I don’t even care that he’s been brooding all night, that he’s in a bad mood, that he’s got a lot on his mind. I can only think of one thing: SEX.

I sit there for a few minutes more thinking about my next move – should I be aggressive? Should I start with our usual innuendos? I observe him for a bit and see if he’s posturing to go in for a move. He’s not. And I decide that this was just one big torture fest and that I need to go home.

So I’m driving. I’m up the 110 going through downtown and then I think, What about T?? T the ex boyfriend who I’ve spent the past 2 years getting over – T the alcoholic, T the guy who couldn’t get a job, T the guy who resented everything about me, T the guy who was amazing in bed, T the perennial broken down bad boy who so many naive women LOVE to try and fix (and I tried too!). What about T?!?! I’m about to drive by his exit…if I just text him….hmmmmm…..

Quick roll in the hay. It would be hot, dirty, quick and then long. It would be over and over again. It would be familiar, comfortable, but somehow still feel new, exhausting, exhilarating…It would be AMAZING.

It would also be a huge mistake, so I just keep driving past his exit. I put the phone down and turn up the music.

I ended my night by playing Plants vs. Zombies.


11 Responses to “Torturing myself…One Dave at a time…”

  1. ASF said

    Amusing blog. You’re a lawyer. You appear to have concluded that having sex is what gets you into “trouble,” so you’re not going to have sex for one year. Do you really believe your conclusion is supported even by the facts you chose to disclose? Your recent posts seem to indicate otherwise.

    Anyway, good luck. Your life seems…frustrating.

    • It’s funny that people think that just cuz you’re a lawyer that you’re somehow able to sort out all your personal issues in a similarly logical manner that is applied to your work.

      Anyway, sex is one of the biggest things that gets me into trouble. There are other things of course, but after having done an assessment over the past 2 years of being single and the previous relationship I had, I would have to say that the pursuit of sex definitely tops the list.

      But really, I know that it’s not just the act of sex itself, although I enjoy sex immensely. It’s all the stuff that comes along with sex, the emotions, the closeness, the affection. I think what gets me into trouble is that having sex is somehow translating in my brain (and heart) into something more meaningful, even though that may not be the case every time.

      And yes, my life can be frustrating at times. Hence the cathartic blog.

  2. paultheking said

    interesting story… You made it seem like it was difficult for you to get sex from this guy…

    • And Paul, I’m curious – if you were in Dave’s position, what would you have done if I had tried to make a move?

      • paultheking said

        depends on how good looking you are, my prospects at the time, and if there are any barriers (drama, mood, etc).

        so like if you were average looks (6), I had decent prospects, and there was some drama going on it would be a coin flip and my mood would determine things… 😉

        although I still don’t understand why he agreed to hang out since that pretty much assumes sex…

  3. Paul this guy is hot and cold with me. Sometimes it’s too easy – sometimes he’s practically begging. Sometimes he’s completely uninterested and I have actually been rejected by him before when I bring up a roll in the hay. So I’ve gotten used to waiting for him to cue me that’s he’s interested. Then we both start posturing and moving in for the kill.

    One of my earlier blogs talked about how I recently told him I needed my space cuz I was starting to like him (again). He couldn’t stand it after a week and was trying to get me to sleep with him again. I said no. That was a few days ago when i was feeling less horny. Then I go over there last night hoping that there’s some of that horniness on his part left over from before, but no deal. I was bummed but at least I’m sticking to my pledge. Probably no thanks to anything I’ve done, HA.

  4. paultheking :

    depends on how good looking you are, my prospects at the time, and if there are any barriers (drama, mood, etc).

    so like if you were average looks (6), I had decent prospects, and there was some drama going on it would be a coin flip and my mood would determine things… ;)

    although I still don’t understand why he agreed to hang out since that pretty much assumes sex…

    I don’t understand either. He’s a bit of a mess and I suppose that’s partly why I’m so attracted to him. Maybe he was into it when he told me to come over but changed his mind by the time I got there. I was dressed nice – black jeans, white button up, open toed sandals. I smelled good, my hair looked good and the makeup was light, nothing extreme. Hard to say what I am – depends on your tastes I suppose but I like to think I’m at least more attractive than a 6. There has been some recent drama between us – both deciding we shouldn’t have sex, but we’ve done that before and went right back to it anyway. It’s like a little dance we do.

    I’m starting to think I should just cut this guy…

  5. Auto-erotic activities can’t hurt! They sometimes make life worth living!

  6. Lily said

    Personally, I don’t think you should cut this guy, but you should stop thinking so much about him. Do you think he’s sitting around trying to understand you?

    Sounds like it’s not the actual sex that’s getting you into trouble…

    • Sounds like it’s not the actual sex that’s getting you into trouble…

      That’s not the first time I’ve heard something like that. Do you mind expanding on that a little? I’m curious.

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