Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

The Beta in My Life

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 2, 2010


Martin is my Beta.

Martin and I met when I was about 22 or 23.  I was going into my 2nd year in law school.  He had gone to my high school but we weren’t there at the same time.  He used to play basketball down at the park with my guy friends, who I would sometimes join.  We met at a bar and dated for about 2 years, give or take a few months.

Martin is 5 years older than me.  We always got along so well – barely ever fought, the sex was good (not mind blowing, but perfectly satisfactory), and I felt like I was in a happy, healthy relationship.  My friends loved him, my Dad loved him, my Mom…not so much, but that’s only because he never graduated from college.  At the time we met he was doing a job that required a lot of manual labor, but he was laid off.  He immediately found an office job in the same industry and started off in an entry level position.

I remember one night we were getting ready for bed and he walked in from the bathroom.  He was hairy as hell and a little tubby but I remember thinking, “Dammit he’s fat and hairy — but I love him.”

One day about a year and half into the relationship he said to me out of the blue, “I don’t think I want to have kids.”  I was puzzled since we never had talks about kids or marriage – I was only 23 or 24 at the time and hadn’t even graduated law school. I wasn’t ready to have those conversations with him.  But here it was, ready to slap me in the face.

“Like, ever?” I asked.

“Yeah, like ever.”

Hmmmm…. that was going to be a problem.  At that point in my life I was 70/30 about having kids, 70 for having kids, 30 for not.  (As I’ve gotten older, that number vacillates between 50/50 and 60/40.)  I didn’t know whether I wanted to be with someone who was completely 100% against it.

It wasn’t that I wanted to have kids right away.  It was more that I didn’t want to waste my time with someone who couldn’t even consider the possibility.  It was going to be a deal breaker eventually.  But in the meantime, I let him know I was kinda disappointed with that and didn’t really talk about it again.

A few months go by, no arguing, no fighting and then he says, “I’m thinking of moving.”  I thought that was odd since he had just moved into his apartment…

He was feeling restless. He wanted out of his town – he had lived there all his life and wanted to know what it felt like to live somewhere else.  He was going to go up north and stay with a friend.  Just quit his job and go.  I wanted to go with him, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen.  I had just gotten an offer to work my dream job – there was no way I was giving that up based on this flight of fancy upon which he was about to embark.

A few months later, he was gone.  I had begged him not to go since he was insistent there was no way we could do a long distance relationship.  I was willing to try – he wasn’t.  It was awful. I stayed in bed for days and then started going out and dating everything in sight.  That’s when I eventually met T—-, the next love/catastrophe of my life.

After a couple months of Martin being gone, he called me one day and admitted to me that he had made a mistake. He wanted to come back. He wanted to get back together. He wanted to have kids and get married. He always wanted those things but he was just too scared to admit it and he had to lose what he had in order to understand how important it was to him.

By then it was too late – I had fallen for T—- but I didn’t have the balls to tell Martin, especially since I did still love him.  So even though I was still angry with him, I told him to come back – he did and we decided to go ring shopping.  T—- and I had had a falling out and he wasn’t around so Martin was the perfect fill in.  Plus he was such a nice guy and he loved me so much….

Eventually I cheated on Martin with T—-.  I felt awful and told Martin about it.  We broke up.  I felt awful and the only thing that made me feel better was T—-.  Eventually we got serious and I kept Martin in the back of my mind…

Anyway, Martin and I are friends now and have been ever since I broke up with T—-.  I haven’t had sex with him, although we did mess around a few times here and there…even though he is the world’s nicest guy I just don’t know if we are compatible anymore.  The things that I didn’t care about really bug me now –  he’s not very articulate, he didn’t graduate college, and he has no goals or ambitions other than to have fun.  He still lives in the same crummy apartment he did 7 years ago and has nothing put away for a house or anything like that.

I suppose it may be hard to understand why those things bug me so much now without the benefit of the full story of T—-.  That story, even after 2 years, is a bit too raw for me, but I plan to post about it soon.

I want an Alpha AND a Beta.  Is that even possible?

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5 Responses to “The Beta in My Life”

  1. paultheking said

    “By then it was too late – I had fallen for T—- but I didn’t have the balls to tell Martin, especially since I did still love him. So even though I was still angry with him, I told him to come back – he did and we decided to go ring shopping…”

    woah!

    definitely enjoying these posts! (lol @ tigers)

    keep up the good work

    • Haha, thanks! I’m glad you are enjoying it.

      I like the tigers too – was happy I found one with an actual “beta” symbol on it. Classic…

      FYI, I never let him buy me that ring. He was ready to but I made some excuse…I probably should’ve guessed I wasn’t into it if I was saying no to a diamond…

  2. ms noble said

    whew! *laughing*… so, it looks like yr keeping it up (or NOT, rather).
    still seriously celibate, girl? day what, now?

    wntd to share GOOD NEWS: I have discovered that rare breed: a man who looks like an alpha, but has the heart-beta of a romantic monogamist… he’s truly magnificent when seen up close in his natural habitat – I AM SURE THERE ARE MORE OF HIS SPECIES OUT THERE: happy hunting!

    • I am Day 38/365… That’s how many days since the actual pledge. From the last time I had sex it’s been 57/365.

      I am glad you have discovered that rare breed! I figure remaining celibate for awhile might quiet my mind enough to open myself up to finding Alpha/Beta Man as well.

  3. ms noble said

    … you know what? you cant lose – I do believe the work I did in that time has given me super-powers (don’t laugh, ok lol myself, but its more than 1/2 true)… in fact, I will write about it and let you know when I have.

    … dontcha get annoyed at how off-line life, the ‘other stuff’, interferes with writing? Just (half)kidding.

    back to the point: keep at it, and if I may suggest, maintain sexuality for yourself – dont lose the perfume and the razor and the self-delighting; part of the journey is that we learn to experience ourselves as sensual beings without the sensuality of other skin. Celebrate yr sexiness, even if its a Private Party!
    with love
    Ms N

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