Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

The 4 year long, 1 night stand, Part 1

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 12, 2010

I’ve finally decided to sit down and write about T—-. I know I’ve been pretty playful with my posts lately, so sorry to get heavy on you…

I never would’ve guessed that just a few hours spent together would’ve drastically changed my life.

I was 25 and fresh from my breakup with Martin – I was depressed and reckless and I decided to try online dating for the first time ever. We slept together the first night and I thought I would never see him again.

T—- was charming, funny, and sweet. He was articulate, good looking and professed to be very successful. He was exactly what I needed to forget about Martin.

The sex was insane – our chemistry was ridiculous. He knew what I wanted before I did, and when he gave it to me, I wondered how I had ever lived without it. I just wanted to eat, sleep and dream him.  He spoiled me rotten – taking me out to fancy dinners, Dodger games, trips to Vegas, out to bars, and he never let me pick up the tab.

However, he kept me at arms length – I thought there was something damaged about him – maybe mommy hadn’t held him enough as a child – maybe daddy leaving was really traumatic for him. Being unable to solve this delicate mystery just made me want him more…

So did the unreturned phone calls. And the times he would invite me over and then not answer the door when I would get there, me leaving, confused and worried that something had happened. But for as many times as he ignored and flaked on me, he also welcomed me with open arms, tender kisses, and sleepless sex filled nights.

I was in love.

And it was a foolish love. The first year we knew each other he wouldn’t commit. It was tumultuous to say the least…I wanted nothing more than to be with him and take care of him.

T—- is an alcoholic. I had never known an alcoholic before and didn’t even know he was one until we moved in together. This was after a marriage proposal (with no ring). When work started to slow down for him he became depressed – he was making less money, I was paying all the bills (at this point I had been practicing law for about 2 years) and this was a problem.  I soon learned that the times he wouldn’t pick up the phone or answer the door wasn’t because he was torn about whether to commit to me and just couldn’t handle speaking or seeing me – it was because he was passed out drunk.

I would leave for work and I would come home to several empty beer, vodka and wine bottles. He would either be passed out on the couch or playing on his computer. At first it wasn’t so bad – or at least that’s what I told myself. He’s just having a rough time, I would tell myself – he’ll snap out of it,

But he didn’t. The drinking became worse. I would be thankful to go to work in the mornings to get away from him. I couldn’t talk to any of my friends or family about it because I was ashamed to admit anything was wrong.

I would work late to avoid him being up when I got home. When he was passed out, I would check if he was breathing. I was foolish in the beginning and I used to wake him up to get him into bed, but then quickly learned that he was an angry drunk when awakened like this, so I stopped doing it. I had made the mistake several times of trying to reason with him when he was drunk, and stopped that when he would proceed to yell at me unintelligibly.

I learned to tiptoe around him and over a period of months this became normal. It was I who had to change my behavior because I was so unreasonable, he would tell me…he’s just having a tough time, he would get a job and take care of me the way I was taking care of him. I just had to be patient – he had never loved anyone more than he loved me and he was going to prove it to me.

I soon began to feel the walls closing in around me. I started to see that I was being foolish and that I should just get out of there. But he would sense that, and turn on the charm and it was like I had my old T—- back. He would be attentive and sweet, and hey, even bring home some money to pay bills. We’re a team he’d say – we gotta stick together. I would fall in love with him all over again, he would stop drinking for awhile, but then he would start again and this is how our relationship cycled.

Everytime this cycle occurred, the drinking would get worse. He began punching walls and throwing stuff at me. I would make him sleep on the couch and in the morning he would crawl back into bed sometimes apologetic, and sometimes not remembering what he’d done and how scared he made me.  Sometimes he would talk about how much he wanted to hit me, and how he had never wanted to punch a woman before, until now.  But then he would tell me how much he loved me.

And I believed him.

T—- was mostly an angry drunk.  If he started out as a happy drunk he would be so clingy and needy and he would constantly need my validation about how great he was. I would give it to him, but after awhile, it would wear on me and I couldn’t perform the way he needed me to.  That’s when he turned into an angry drunk. Angry I wouldn’t tell him how much I loved him for the 50th time.  Angry I had come home late. Angry I had suggested while he was sober, that he sell the Lexus he drove since we couldn’t afford it, and most of all, I think, angry that I was figuring out what he really was…

One day I came to work with a large bruise on my arm – I was aware of it and of course wore a suit jacket over it.  At some point during the day, I took my jacket off, forgetting about the bruise. My boss saw it and remarked at how large it was.  I told her I had gotten it playing basketball the night before.

The truth was that T—- was drunk the night before and upset about something…I can’t even remember what.  We were in the bedroom I think, and he wanted to leave the room, so he pushed me out of the way and into the dresser.  Then he punched a hole in the door.   I don’t even know if I cried that night – this was normal for me now and I didn’t even know that it was wrong anymore.

To be continued…

*Please keep in mind, I am not an advocate, or an expert, or anything like that. I’m just telling you what happened and what was going through my head at the time.  I am fully aware that I could’ve gotten out at several points and trust me, I’ve been beating myself up over it for the past 2 years… I wrote this today because I felt it was time to confront it.  Maybe doing this will help me open back up and let someone get close to me in a meaningful way….I dunno. I just know it feels good to get it out there.


8 Responses to “The 4 year long, 1 night stand, Part 1”

  1. Doug1 said

    You seem like quite a sweet girl, esp. for a lawyer chick.

    Went to a top five law school myself. Was in BigLaw for a few years, then moved into something greener in several ways.

    • Awww thanks! Don’t know if that was a back handed compliment a la Roissy or Rooshv, but I’ll take it. (See how cynical I’m becoming reading some of these blogs?)

      I’ve been thinking about moving on from law, but I love it too much…I would miss it. Maybe I will move on to something greener like you, in a few years.

  2. Audrey said

    Girl yeah it’s the inconcistency that gets you, no?

    Ive managed to stay out of relationships like this one but it was the same way with my father. He was always battling alcohol, at best winning half the time. But the contrast of it worked like the devil, it was like his love (which was definately genuine) was all the much more real because of the way it contrasted with his “absent” self.
    Its like the rats in experiments, the way to get them hooked is to give them the prize only some of the time, and at unpredictable intervals. When you give them what they want every time they just get board and check out. Haha we arent so far away from rats on the tree of evolution after all.

    The saddest part of this is, the same thing is true of parenting. Of my girlfriends who are the most dedicated to they’re parents most of them are the ones whose parents are sort of bipolar or “push pull” with them.
    What does this mean about how we should raise our kids? Id like to think we should be the perfect mother, but it almost seems like being bipolar bitches will make our kids love us more lol sad. especially if we have daughters!

    But yeah once youve had really *good* sex nothing else can compare, that much is for sure. Before I found my current man (whose dynamite in bed lol) I almost envied my girlfriends whove always had boring sex, it let them be happier with boring guys (with more money than my guy lol, I actually make more then he does but he fucks me and loves me so good that I just dont care)

    • I admit that the sex was a major part of the equation – I was foolish enough to translate good sex into real love. But there was something more going on here – I wanted to fix this guy and I thought maybe if I just loved him enough, and cared for him enough, he would magically get better…I am not that naive now.

      A man who is not whole can’t handle a woman being good to him the way I was – it was emasculating for him. I have put off writing about T—- for awhile now because I’m not sure if I can ever really capture how difficult those years with him were…I still don’t think I’m doing it justice…maybe I can do better in Part 2 of this post.

  3. Audrey said

    Ash dont sweat it. Its a weakness when it comes to men yeah lol. But the same weakness is a strength if your going to be a mother.
    Just flip it around on it’s head and think, the same sort of unconditional love, for someone who messes up a bunch of times. Can get you in a world of trouble in a relationship, but think of how much better of a mother itll make you if you have a son (or two or three) who’s trouble. Youll go through some rough patches but the relationship will be solid in the end.

    You sound like youd be a really good mother, especially for boys. Next up, finding their future father lol. Keep your head up girl.

  4. Amelia said

    While it makes me sad to think of how much you went through (and didn’t tell us), I understand why you felt the need to hide the bulk of the abuse. (I know you hate that word, but I love you and I’m not going to say that T—-‘s treatment of you was anything else).

    You have a good heart and you loved him with everything you had. I hope you find someone who is deserving of all of that.

    • Me too! You’re an amazing friend. Thanks for sticking by me, even when you didn’t agree with my choices. It was good to know I wasn’t alone – it made me stronger to be able to finally break it off.

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