Why I’m doing this
Posted by ashleeekaren on November 9, 2010
I am a 31 year old woman and I am not ashamed to say that I’m still working on figuring things out. 
I have been asked several times why I am doing this little celibacy project. I think there several theories floating around out there. Here are some that I have gleaned from comments and emails:
1. I’m trying to re-virginize myself: Couldn’t be farther from the truth. Who the hell would want to be a virgin again? And if I even thought that I could re-virginize myself…is there some magical thing that is supposed to happen once my hymen has been restored (which it can’t by the way, short of some weird plastic surgery)? I don’t think so.
2. I’m a born again Christian: Nope – haven’t talked that much about God or religion on this blog. Or at all. I don’t attend church. I have nothing against people who believe in religion – good for them for being able to have so much faith. That’s not me though.
3. I’m doing this for attention: Well duh. But not exactly. If I didn’t want anyone to read the thoughts I type, then I wouldn’t upload it to a blog and allow everyone to read it. I’m not trying to get a movie deal like that Julie & Julia movie. I am interested in a discourse. I want to know what people think. I am fully aware that I open myself up to attack – being called a slut, a whore, etc, etc, these are not new or original ways to put someone down. Especially a woman who brazenly declares how much she likes sex. As unpleasant as the whore and slut comments can be, they are important to consider, but they will not censor me into writing something other than what I feel and experience.
I am not presumptuous enough to believe that my way is the best way to view sex and sexuality. Do it whatever way you want, and if you don’t like it my way, then move on to the next blog. That’s the beauty of this wonderful blogosphere – there are a plethora of ideas and perspectives for a person to explore and enjoy. Some of it will upset you, some of it will make you laugh, and some of it will make you think. Thank you First Amendment.
4. I’m hoping someone will send me a new vibrator: HA! I could use a new one. My trusty Rabbit just crapped out on me. We had a good 2 years together – he was a giver. I haven’t had the heart to replace him just yet…
Here are the REAL reasons I’m doing this celibacy project and blog (this list is not exclusive – Ashleee Karen reserves the right to amend the list as new reasons become available)
1. I’ve had a rough few years: My last boyfriend was an emotionally and physically abusive alcoholic. I helped him through sobriety and when he got on his feet, he didn’t need me anymore. I figured out that fixing someone (as if you ever can) doesn’t necessarily make them want to love you more, and in the end, you’re the one who needs fixing. I am having trouble feeling safe enough to open myself up to someone in a meaningful way.
2. I don’t know what I want: I don’t know if I want to get married and have kids. I don’t know if I am someone who knows how to be happy in a relationship. The last healthy relationship I had was about 6-7 years ago and I feel like an entirely different person now. That girl I was is a stranger to me in so many ways.
3. I’m still picking crappy guys: In the 2 years that I’ve been single since T, 90% of the guys that I have dated were all wrong for me. Maybe I picked them that way – self-sabotage and what not. The guys that I passed on, I probably should’ve pursued. Until I figure out what the hell is going on with that, I think it’s better to stay away from men altogether.
4. If I’m not working on a relationship with a guy, I can work on the relationship with myself: And here we are, the ultimate reason. I will tell you what I told my therapist – when I’m not trying to date a guy I can work on other issues that I have outside of my romantic endeavors. Men can be distractions if you let them, and it’s so much easier to deal with someone else than it is to deal with yourself. I need to spend time with myself and learn all the great things about me, so that when (and if) I meet the right guy, then he’ll see those things too.
So there you have it. Thoughts?
Ashleee Karen 
Rivelino said
“My last boyfriend was an emotionally and physically abusive alcoholic.”
That is huge. You need my help asap. You should reconsider the photo deal, or brainstorm something else of value to offer me.
ashleeekaren said
Haha, I just need help in general – that’s what my therapist is for. Although I suppose my blog is somewhat of a therapist…
Anyway…since I’ve already said no to the photo, it’s like I told you before – we’re at a stalemate. Although I do appreciate the desire to help – even if it is a tit-for-tat sentiment.
Instead of me trying to read your mind, why don’t you just tell me – besides a photo of my ass, what else would be of value to you? I am interested to see what you have to say about 1) what would be of value to you; and 2) What your help would entail.
Rivelino said
A big reason I want to help is that I am quite arrogant about my psychological abilities. I see you as a really tough case and a real challenge.
You are clearly quite attractive, intelligent, and successful, so you are the perfect example why these things are not as important as people think they are for LTR happiness. LTR happiness involves a million other things that are not as readily visible.
A friend of Valentina’s was a real tough case, but Valentina did not want me to interfere. This kind of thing can get contentious. Of course this girl is still single 10 years later.
1) You can tell me your hottest sexual experience over the phone. That is actually better than an ass pic.
2) We discussed that already, a one hour consultation. I would analyze, you would take notes. It would be tough love. You might cry. But you would see the light.
ashleeekaren said
A man who likes a challenge – I respect that.
Thank you for the compliments. I agree with you that having a successful LTR is definitely not defined by how great your pedigree is. I would say that I am generally a happy person – I’ve got a good life. I’m at the point in my life where I am trying to decide what, if anything, to do about the romantic aspect. Not sure I want to be married in 6 months!!
So you want to basically have one way phone sex? 😉
singlegirlie said
You sound a lot like me. I liiiiiike!
But let me tell you one thing I’ve figured out: You never really figure it out. Ever. You just kind of accept and go with it. But it takes a while to figure that out. Even when someone tells you.
Try to have fun on your journey, mah darlin’!
ashleeekaren said
I liiiikey you too!
I’m beginning to see that you never figure it out and that realizing it is the first step to really growing.
Thanks for stopping by!!
Rivelino said
“So you want to basically have one way phone sex?”
Yes.
“I’m at the point in my life where I am trying to decide what, if anything, to do about the romantic aspect.”
Don’t do anything. That’s a great idea. Watch your beauty fade, your boobs sag, your pussy dry up, and your social circle diminish.
“I’m beginning to see that you never figure it out and that realizing it is the first step to really growing.”
That is exactly wrong. “You never figure it out” is the first step to not growing.
Not to use an extreme counter-example, but look at Style. If you don’t know his story, he was an ultra dork. He was 5’5″, balding, with glasses, skinny, timid, and spoke too fast. He was a disaster with chicks. He figured that he was “never gonna figure it out.”
Then, he took a change with a Mystery workshop. Mystery took him under his wing. Style agreed to be putty in Mystery’s hands. And Style proceeded to undergo the most radical transformation I have ever seen. He became a cool, fun, sexy, interesting, dangerous, confident man.
Style was banging strippers, having threesomes, and having celebrities come on to him.
His attitude was not “you never figure it out. His attitude was, “change is good.”
His attitude was also, “I need help.”
ashleeekaren said
No no, I’m not saying I don’t need help. I DO need help. We all do. What I’m saying is that life is a journey (god, I sound cheesy) and that every time we do have something figured out, something new pops up and we have to learn how to adjust and react to that. Like with my career – I have that figured out on many levels, but there are always opportunities to learn new things, improve my skills and, cha-ching, make more money. Although I love my job, there are other non-law related opportunities available to me, and it would be quite an adventure to take the risk and try something new. But it would be scary as he’ll since I’m somewhat settled and successful in this current career path. You are right – change is good and can be exciting and fulfilling.
By the same token, I am not presumptuous enough to believe that I have it all figured out or that l ever will. But I know I will try my best to keep an open mind to things that come my way, knowing that every difficult challenge is just an opportunity to grow.
As for not doing anything…T almost broke me. It took everything I had in me to break away from his manipulations and abuse. I am afraid that are things he did, and that I allowed to happen, that I will never fully recover from. It is a constant struggle to keep my heart and mind open – I don’t want to live my life as his victim. But, I’m scared.
It’s not just that I find it hard to trust men – I find it hard to trust myself with men. That’s why I don’t know if I want to do anything about finding a man – some people never find anyone and they’re ok with it, and they go on to lead a happy life – maybe that’s me…maybe I’m too stupid to pick the right guy – I don’t know yet.
I do know that my youth and looks will fade, but I’m trying Riv, I’m really trying.
Rivelino said
“I’m really trying.”
I know you are trying. But you are essentially trying the same thing over and over.
A hot girl like you still single at 31 — and never married or engaged — is doing a lot of things wrong.
You don’t need to work on your “outer game” — hair, makeup, tips and strategies, $3000 Chanel bags — your outer game is fine. In fact, you work on your outer game too much, and rely on it too much, because it gives you “hope” to look sexy and feminine.
You need a thorough “inner game” cleansing.
ashleeekaren said
I can’t tell if you’re being sincere or if you’re just trying to get me to have one way phone sex with you.
Rivelino said
“I can’t tell if you’re being sincere or if you’re just trying to get me to have one way phone sex with you.”
I am attempting to get you naked in my bed sucking my cock.
ashleeekaren said
Sigh…
dreamidreamed said
I think you’re doing great. No way I thought you’d last this long!! What have you learned about yourself during this celibacy period that you may not have gleaned otherwise?
ashleeekaren said
I’ve learned lots! Not just things about my sexuality, but also about other areas in my life that I would like to work on – being a better daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. All of these things will bring me more happiness and fulfillment.
Rivelino said
“What have you learned about yourself during this celibacy period that you may not have gleaned otherwise?”
Nothing.
ashleeekaren said
I wouldn’t say nothing. It’s a work in progress. I certainly don’t think I’ll be learning anything by hooking up with the same losers I’ve been dating for the past year.
no more mr nice guy said
You need to find guys that are like the one you had a healthy relationship 6-7 years ago.
Rivelino said
“You need to find guys that are like the one you had a healthy relationship 6-7 years ago.”
Her problem is not the guys she meets. Her problem is her.
ashleeekaren said
Yes, now if I could only get rid of me then all my problems would be solved…
Riv – I know I got problems. I will be the first to admit that.
Geez, are we going to have Round 2 of Ashleee Karen bashing again?? If so, let me know – I’m going to need a cocktail before you start…
Racer X said
“…Especially a woman who brazenly declares how much she likes sex.”
That is one of the things I enjoy about this blog. Women fascinate me, especially women who are very sexual and not afraid to talk about it, at least in this sphere. The beauty of the blogworld in that women can express their sexual thoughts and feelings without facing personal retribution. A lot of truth comes out that way..
Glad to see the blog is back up. And yes, Riv wants to have one way phone sex with you. I, however, can offer you the best two way phone sex you have ever experienced. My deep voice alone will make your panties wet…
ashleeekaren said
Ahhhh, I miss your solicitations for phone sex…
Gwen said
Hey there, found you through T-Blawg and wanted to let you know I’ll be reading along.
Great stuff here, what I’ve seen so far. We have alot in common. See you around!
ashleeekaren said
T-blawg rocks my world and so do zombies!! I will definitely be checking you out. Thanks for the read!
gwen612 said
Heh! He rocks your world, and he rocks my socks! Yeah, we’re going to get along well. 🙂
My blog is in its infancy so now’s a good time to start reading. 🙂
ashleeekaren said
Just read it! Good for you. Keep blogging – it’s like therapy and you don’t have to deal with insurance companies.
T said
You ladies are awesome! 😉
ashleeekaren said
You AAHHH (attempt at Boston accent)
Rivelino said
“Yes, now if I could only get rid of me then all my problems would be solved…
Geez, are we going to have Round 2 of Ashleee Karen bashing again?? If so, let me know – I’m going to need a cocktail before you start…”
Those are two of your tendencies, playing the victim, and deflecting through escapism, self medication, more victimization, and condescending humor.
Now I can — could — play the victim as good as anyone, but I am working on facing life head on, and not making excuses. I am working at being humble and hardworking.
Getting divorced was hitting rock bottom for me. I accepted that a lot of preconceived notions I had about love were wrong. So now, I accept all criticism with humility and goodwill — even the obviously angry, jealous, or disrespectful comments.
You are *way* too self-centered, Ashleee. You need to learn how to look outside yourself and feel for others. It’s not easy, but I know you can do it.
I know that sounds harsh, but it’s the truth. As for harsh, I am hard on myself too.
I was a wimp and a mama’s boy. I was a passive aggressive manipulative little snake. I was not a real man.
I am working on becoming a real man.
ashleeekaren said
Have I played the victim? Yes! And I hate myself for it. It’s something I’m working on.
Although the sphere can be a very limited space in which to truly get to know someone, I will partly agree with you – I think I have swung too far the opposite direction from where I was before T. I can be self-centered, for sure, but I’m working on it. However, I will also have to disagree with you partly – I can be a very giving and generous person with my time and friendship – I think my fear is that someone will take advantage of my generosity. So the group of people with whom I exercise that generosity and selflessness has become much smaller over the years.
And yes, I do use humor to deflect at times – other times I’m just trying to be funny. But in humor there is some truth:
Although I said the above quote in a joking manner, sometimes I don’t like myself. The time I’m taking out during my celibacy project is partly to figure out how to like myself better, or at least be proud of the progress I’m making in getting to that point.
I agree with you – I have seen people be very critical on your blog and you always handle it with grace and humility. I think that’s a very commendable thing, as I have in the past let people incite me to use the condescending humor you’ve talked about.
I will take your comments under submission and try to apply them where needed.
vasaphonia said
I vote we leave therapy to the liscenced professionals.
ashleeekaren said
Good call.
Rivelino said
Good idea. The ones who get paid by the hour and thus have a vested interest in keeping you as a long term patient. Those are the ones you should trust.
Linkage is Good for You: Tease Edition said
[…] Karen – “Do I Have a Thing for Irish Guys??“, “Why I’m Doing This“, “Day 76/365 – The Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project […]