Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

A weekend review and Monday musing: Does celibate = boring and bored…?

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 22, 2010


Weekend Review

After last weeks hectic work week I was excited for the weekend.  Ready to have a drink (or two, or three) and relax with friends.  Friday night brought the new Harry Potter film and yes, I am a nerd so I was super excited to watch it.  So Friday was a generally wholesome night.

Grand Theft texted me Friday night to say hello and say we should hang soon.  I was worried…was he trying to booty call me?  So I told him I would like that and left it at that.  Wanted to see what his reaction would be.  He called.  The first few minutes we exchanged pleasantries, hi, how are you, blah blah blah.  Then…:

GT: So I’d really like to take you out, maybe get some lunch.  What’s your schedule like next week?

AK: Weds is good for me.

GT: Great, then lets do Weds for lunch….And by the way, you know, don’t be afraid to call me…

AK: Afraid?  I’m not afraid… (puzzled tone)

GT:  I just mean that you’re a grown woman, independent, on point…you shouldn’t be afraid to do what you want and if you want to call or text me, you should.  I’m interested in you and if you’re interested in me, then you shouldn’t be afraid to show it.  I’m not going to baby you…

AK: (nervous laugh – I sometimes laugh when I’m nervous in social situations) Baby me?

GT: I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ll baby you in other ways, but not like that.

AK: (I was dying to have him elaborate on what these “other ways” were but I didn’t want the conversation to turn towards sex) Ok, got it.

GT: Good, good.  I hope I hear from you then.

AK: You will (a challenge, huh?) Good night.

Hmmmm…inneresting.  I thought the direct approach was refreshing…but because I’ve been reading too many damn blogs, I started over analyze everything he said…is he trying to set the tone? .Or is he just insecure and needs someone to stroke his ego…? Or maybe because he is who he is, he’s used to girls throwing themselves at him and blowing up his phone, and so far I’ve refused to do that…  Even as I type this, I’m continuing the dissection, but I should stop.  So I’ll just tell you about Saturday night, which segue ways into the 2nd part of this post:

Monday musing: Does Celibate = boring and bored…?

Boring – shopping for rugs for my friend. Don’t get me wrong, I love shopping and even though it took 4 people, to shove a rug, an accent table and two gigantic plastic storage boxes into my prius, I wouldn’t say it was the most exciting thing to happen this weekend.

Bored – after meeting up with a friend at this awful dive bar and leaving, NO ONE WANTED TO HANG OUT WITH US.

NO ONE.

We called up a friend to see if he wanted to grab a drink.  He brushed us off.

Two of our crew were with their boyfriends.  Inaccessible.

I had texted Grand Theft earlier in the day to see if he wanted to meet up for a drink. He told me not to be afraid, right?  That he wasn’t going to baby me like that, right?  He was hanging with a buddy but said he would see where they would be at and let me know.

Didn’t hear from him after that.  Nope.  And I wasn’t going to double text him.  I suppose the positive thing is that he didn’t booty call me.  Of course, that’s only positive if he wasn’t booty calling some other chick…

I am ashamed to admit I went to bed on Saturday feeling a little sorry for myself, and woke up on Sunday feeling the same way.  No one cares no one cares no one cares…  Hahahahaha…

I spent most of yesterday pondering why I felt so boring and bored.  Did it have to do with this celibacy project?  I don’t consider myself a boring person most of the time.  And I understand that if there isn’t any drama then that can be a good thing.  Not saying at all that I want to end the project.  At this point, I’m emotionally invested in seeing this project through so IF I were to end it early, it wouldn’t be just because I’m bored.  It would have to be for somebody special and deserving of my time and attention…

In the meantime I will work on being something other than bored and horny…

Advertisements

61 Responses to “A weekend review and Monday musing: Does celibate = boring and bored…?”

  1. saddha said

    Another word for boredom is anxiety.

    Sex, drugs, TV, food, drama. People do these things to distract themselves from their anxieties. The distraction is only temporary. The anxieties reassert themselves when you stop trying to distract yourself.

    Take up meditation instead. Much more effective.

  2. dreamidreamed said

    I dunno – that sounds like a typical weekend in my household. But then again, we’re ok with being boring =) I think you’re restless and you know that there is drama and intrigue accessible (in Grand Theft).

    Also, I think Grand Theft telling you that it’s ok to call him is a power play. I don’t understand why he felt the need to tell you that you are a grown woman!

  3. paultheking said

    “GT: I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ll baby you in other ways, but not like that.”

    “…Don’t get me wrong, I love shopping and even….”

    omg you are starting to talk like him too..

  4. Rivelino said

    Quick, list your top three hobbies. And shopping doesn’t count.

    1.
    2.
    3.

  5. Ford Inbody said

    GT kind of sounds like a tool to me. Or at least he is someone who will never put another person before his own needs. Obviously I only know what you’ve mentioned in your posts, but red flags abound.

    • I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. But I am definitely watching for the red flags…

    • Gwen said

      I sort of get this, too. But I’m so cynical lately that I don’t really trust my “feelings” about people.

      • Yeah I think I’m more resolving to put him in the “not going to happen” category. I’ll probably still go out with him, but be very very cautious.

      • saddha said

        Not trusting dating oriented feelings is prudent. Following those kinds feelings rarely leads to happiness, which makes sense if you think about it. Those feelings are a biological inheritance. The purpose of those feelings is to get us to reproduce. Those feelings contain the strong promise of happiness precisely to get us to reproduce, but they generally do not fulfill that promise, because those feelings that we are programmed with genetically, evolved under very different circumstances that what exists today.
        The same thing is true of eating. Most people in Western societies overeat, because the feelings that are associated with satiation evolved when food was much scarcer and less nutrient dense than what is available now. For most people to maintain a healthy weight would mean they would feel hungry most of the time.
        Feelings in general are problematic because most people don’t understand that their feeling aren’t there to make them happy. Feelings exist to encourage behavior that promotes survival and reproduction in an environment that existed thousands, millions of years ago.

        The cosmic joke is on us. Following our feelings does not lead to happiness.

      • I like this! I often find myself saying, “See, when we were cavemen and women…”

        That’s why I like Rivelinos advice about figuring out whether a guy is right for you, not by the way you feel, but how he treats you.

        So far in my dating life, my feelings have clouded all my better judgment.

        Saddha, you are very wise.

      • saddha said

        Caveat to what I said above. Following *certain* feelings does result in happiness. Following feelings of compassion and generosity for instance, but dating has little to do with generosity or compassion.

      • Agreed. Depending on the situation. I was compassionate and generous towards an ex-boyfriend and I cannot say it led me to happiness.

      • saddha said

        “Saddha, you are very wise.”

        I am glad you find my comments helpful.

      • saddha said

        “Depending on the situation. I was compassionate and generous towards an ex-boyfriend and I cannot say it led me to happiness.”

        Fair enough. It is challenging not to let difficult people make your life difficult. What would you have done differently?

      • Hard to say…I would’ve started to pull back the generosity earlier than I did. I do enjoy being generous but now I’ve learned to exercise it with people I trust and to make the qualifications of someone I trust more stringent.

      • saddha said

        Makes sense.

  6. Rivelino said

    “1. Playing the guitar 2. Reading 3. Hiking”

    Sexy.

    But reading self help does not count. That is too self absorbed.

    Okay Ashleee, here’s the secret. You owe me one one-way phone sex conversation:

    If you want to get married, you cannot judge a man by the way he makes you feel. You can only judge him by the way he treats you.

    And he has to treat you 100 percent like you are the most amazing thing he has ever met. Pure devotion and infatuation.

    If he is not treating you that way, it might still work of course — ultimatums and threesomes can also be quite persuasive — but the odds are against you.

    GT is treating you like a toy.

    • I read other things besides self-help. Just finished The Corrections, The Hunger Games trilogy, and currently reading Wuthering Heights and The Glass Castle at the same time.

      And I like that – feelings vs. actions. Note taken – “Judge him only by the way he makes you feel.”

      GT sounds like he might be treating me like a toy but I will give him a shot to keep my attention. If he blows it, then he gets round filed.

      And I’m not into ultimatums to get a guy to stay with me. It rarely works out well in those situations from what I’m told.

    • And I still agree with you but isn’t it a little early for him to be infatuated with me? We haven’t even gone out yet…

    • Lily said

      ‘And he has to treat you 100 percent like you are the most amazing thing he has ever met. Pure devotion and infatuation.”
      Not sure about that…at all..

      • I agree with it to the extent that I would like someone to be devoted to me and think I’m the greatest thing in the world – but only AFTER we’ve gotten to know each other. Then he’s gotten to know my faults and imperfections and is devoted to me in spite (or because) of them.

        100% infatuation from the beginning? Turn off and weird. But I do agree with the notion that he should at least follow through with what he says he’s going to do to show me he’s not a flake and that he’s really interested.

  7. Rivelino said

    No, wait — judge him by his ACTIONS, NOT by how he makes you feel.

    GT is not infatuated with you! He is toying with you. Hot cold. Push pull. Call, not call. It is all a game to him. That’s why they call it “game”.

    PUAs call it game because it is just a game. The minute it is not a game, and you start to take a girl seriously, that is when you run into trouble.

    You have to find a man who is crazy about you to remind yourself what it is supposed to feel like.

    Valentina went on a date Saturday night with a guy who is in his mid forties, wealthy, and he essentially proposed to her. Not really, but almost.

    He was divorced, and not that cute, and short, and she is now smoking hot and 31 but looks 25, so I can see why he would want to “seal the deal”.

    But the point is, when a man is not playing games, he is earnest, open, direct, ***he does what he says he is going to do***, he calls you on time, he calls back quickly, he is very attentive and reactive, and:

    he does not tell you to call him!

    That is a good move, btw. I gotta incorporate that into my arsenal.

    • Ah, see how confused I get? Haha, jk, I was typing that reply on my phone quickly during lunch, so that was a typo – note taken. Judge him on his actions, not the way he makes me feel. Check.

      I *know* that GT is not infatuated with me. That was my point! How can he be when we haven’t even go out on a date yet? And if he *were* (like the dude Valentina went out on a date with), I would honestly think there was something wrong with him.

      When a dude doesn’t know that much about me, yet he’s infatuated with me, I tend to think that’s more about him and his issues. Case in point: This dude I dated about a year ago – we hung out 2 times before he said, “You’re the kind of girl I could see myself marrying and I’ve told all my friends about you.” That scared the crap about me. Marriage? We haven’t even gone to the movies…why on earth are you talking about marriage?!? Here was a guy who was 40, never been engaged or married, and (I found out later) was having financial problems. So my guess was that he was either 1) Not a great boyfriend and didn’t know how to be in a relationship, and/or 2) Saw that I was a lawyer and maybe his golden ticket. UHHH, no thanks. I ended it shortly after he said that.

    • BUT, I will agree with you:

      when a man is not playing games, he is earnest, open, direct, ***he does what he says he is going to do***, he calls you on time, he calls back quickly, he is very attentive and reactive

      I think you can be open and direct without proposing marriage. So I will just file this guy into the, “not going to happen” category.

    • Lily said

      “Valentina went on a date Saturday night with a guy who is in his mid forties, wealthy, and he essentially proposed to her.’

      There is *definitely* something to that old saying along the lines of ‘better an old man’s darling than a young man’s slave’..if you’re looking at it from an easy spoilt life for a woman perspective. Older men do adore you in a way younger men don’t, they automatically put you on a pedestal.

      Of course there is the risk he will die off early and leave you a widow but if he’s wealthy enough you can just spend his money. Not for us though I’d imagine. Isn’t it a shame that most of the girls in Riv’s virtual world are more on the independent side. Alas.

      • I usually date men who are older than me by at least 4 or 5 years. I have gone all the way up to 10 before, and you’re right, some older guys appreciate the younger women in a different way. However, I don’t think I could go past 10 years. After a certain point, I don’t know how much in common I have with someone that much older than me, except for sex of course.

        GT is 35, btw.

        Lily, I’ve missed you around these parts…glad to hear from you again 🙂

      • Rivelino said

        “around these parts”

        Clunk!

        That reminds me, in art school one teacher would make us tear down cliche solutions to graphic design problems.

  8. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Ashleee Karen, Ashleee Karen. Ashleee Karen said: A weekend review and Monday musing: Does celibate = boring and bored…?: http://wp.me/p12SOx-5V […]

  9. Racer X said

    “I am ashamed to admit I went to bed on Saturday feeling a little sorry for myself, and woke up on Sunday feeling the same way. No one cares no one cares no one cares… Hahahahaha…”

    When you go to bed with those feelings, and wake up with those feelings, then you know it is time for you experience a phone sex session with Racer X. I guarantee you will go to bed and wake up with a smile on your face. It is the perfect way to help deal with those rough patches of boredom during your celibacy project and be ready to take on he world for another day.

  10. Rivelino said

    “When a dude doesn’t know that much about me, yet he’s infatuated with me, I tend to think that’s more about him and his issues.”

    Wrong. You should ask — and actually, here we go, another great Rivelino idea — I should do a vast and in depth study of couples that have lasted a long time.

    The feelings that a man has for a woman when he first meets her — those feelings are what keep the relationship going for the life of the relationship.

    As we all know, a woman’s feelings for a man can grow. The feminine energy is a nurturing energy.

    The man’s feelings for a woman — a combination of lust, adoration, admiration, and pleasure — those cannot grow. They can only decrease with time.

    This is a slight exaggeration, but you get my point.

    So if you meet a guy — 5-7 years older is perfect, but the older you get, the bigger the difference will have to be — and he is crazy about you on the first date and second date, don’t think he is “weird” or “has issues”. Those “issues” are called love.

    Nowadays, chicks call guys “in love”, they call them “stalkers.”

    Just another way the feminists have fucked everyone over.

  11. Rivelino said

    “I agree with it to the extent that I would like someone to be devoted to me and think I’m the greatest thing in the world – but only AFTER we’ve gotten to know each other. Then he’s gotten to know my faults and imperfections and is devoted to me in spite (or because) of them.

    100% infatuation from the beginning? Turn off and weird.”

    Read Marry Him already!

    Damn. Girls nowadays. What the fuck has gotten into you. I seriously need to start $1,000 a day seminars.

    Maybe an example will help:

    Chicken or egg, but I love girls with dark hair and pale skin. Valentina had dark hair and pale skin. Anyway, she would see me checking out girls, most often, the girl had dark hair and pale skin. Or, she would see me checking out a girl with great legs. Valentina had great legs.

    Valentina would sometimes get upset about this, if she was in a pissy mood. If she was in a good mood, she might tease me or say something coy and sexual, damn her, like, “Oh, pretty girl, do you like her?”.

    Anyway, what I tried to explain to her was this:

    BE LUCKY that I like girls with dark hair, pale skin, and nice legs — that is the reason I put up with your crap!

    Does that make sense?

    You can’t have it both ways.

    Guys love to fuck. Guys need sex. Guys need sex much more than girls need sex. Guys love beautiful girls. Guys love beautiful girls the way girls love beautiful Chanel handbags. It is a deep and primal lust.

    So if a man decides to forsake all other chicks in order to fuck your ass for the rest of his days, that is BECAUSE he is a horny bastard that finds you super hot, not DESPITE the fact that he is a super bastard that finds girls in general hot.

    In other words, the reason he is committing to you is the same reason he is checking out other girls.

    You can’t have it both ways.

    So if a man meets you on a first date and is “blown away” by “your look” or “your tits” or “your legs” or “your dark hair and pale skin and great legs and nice teeth”, well then, BE THANKFUL, because that means that there is a good potential for a long term match.

    If he is not “blown way” by your “huge tits” — for example, me, I am not really into huge tits, prefer ballerina girls — well then, it is very unlikely that he is going to decide to put up with your shit for the next 50 years in order to — in order to what?

    I decided to marry Valentina for several reasons, but far and away reason #1 was:

    BECAUSE SHE WAS SUPER HOT.

    And what I mean is, she was super hot to me.

    Now, most guys would find her super hot, but let’s say the dude with the Asian fetish, or the dude who needs a barbie doll blonde, well, those guys would not want to marry Valentina because, hey, what’s in it for them?

    Is this making sense yet??

    Men are extremely visual, and a man is only going to marry a girl that he finds super hot.

    So if he finds your look super hot, that is ***a good thing***, not a “weird thing”.

    Damn.

  12. […] I just wrote this on Ashlee’s blog. But since she gets about four hits a day, and three of them are from dudes […]

  13. […] I just wrote this on Ashlee’s blog. But since she gets about four hits a day, and three of them are from dudes […]

  14. Hank Reardon said

    I’m late to this conversation. This guy is very skilled at seduction. He has much to share. He has almost got you wrapped up, and you seem to be enjoying it. Go in with your eyes open young lady. This man moves fast, very skilled.

    • I agree. Although I think I’m past the point of enjoyment now – I was enjoying the attention until tonight. I’m not ok being one of the women in his stable.

    • modernguy said

      Skilled? He’s trying to force a move on her part directly – which might be okay, but only if she’s already very invested, and then he set up a lunch date – eating and talking, which can only be to his disadvantage. He’s gonna have to sit there and either flirt and charm her all through lunch or make a presentation which she’ll be judging. And if they get stuffed at lunch, forget about sex, not to mention the logistics involved in moving her to a sexier place. He would have been better off flirting casually in text and setting up a drink date.

      • Modernguy, I was thinking about exactly what you just said and boom, you commented! Great minds think alike.

        Anyway, I don’t think PUAs would set up a lunch date. At least a PUA who knows what they are doing. The logistics were all off for him – he doesn’t live nearby and either do I. There was no alcohol involved and he was a perfect gentleman. He has refrained from any sexual talk over text, phone and in person. I’m going to post on our lunch date in more detail.

  15. Hank Reardon said

    It was not sarcasm. Although, I am very capable of sarcasm. I am sure that you are worth more than that.

  16. Hank Reardon said

    I have to go to bed now. Perhaps we can talk again some time.

  17. Have you tried making out with the back of your hand? I know this is so 7th grade, but I just love it. I’m not getting any either, and I make out a lot with the back of my hand. I’m getting really good at it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: