Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

I guess the tip counts – the end of the AK Celibacy Project 2010 (in detail!)

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 6, 2010


Ok, so it’s over!  According to the comments on the last post, and other feedback I’ve been receiving, the tip counts, and the Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-2011, is officially over.

Disappointed?  Sad?  Surprised?  Expectant? No one cares no one cares no one cares?  Haha, well…

Since the project officially ended on Friday night I’ve had some time to reflect.  I’m a little disappointed myself, but all in all, I think I’m ok. I’ve learned some things about myself and really that was the whole point, right?

But before I get into all that, as promised, for Racer X, here is the Last Temptation of AK, in more detail:

Friday afternoon I get a call from GT.  We chat for a few minutes and he asks me what I’m doing that night. I tell him I’ve planned a night in watching a Zombie film and that I’m planning to lay low.  He tells me he’s taking his friend Betty (who I’ve met) out to dinner for a belated birthday present but he’s not sure what he’s doing afterwards.  I can tell he’s waiting for me to say something like, oh we should hang out, but I say nothing.  Then he says, well if I’m up by your neck of the woods, I’ll call you.  Ok, have fun tonight, I tell him, fully not expecting to hear from him at all.

A couple hours later I get a text from him – he is staying on a yacht tonight and invites me down for some drinks.  Hm.  I wait about 10 or 15 minutes before I text back, pondering whether I should go and exactly how much trouble I’m willing to get into tonight.  I throw caution to the wind and text him back yes.

Then, in true AK fashion I begin to worry.   I’d be driving very far to get where he is…if we have drinks and I get too drunk, I can’t exactly cab it home…is he expecting sex?  Am I a cheap whore if I drive down there to hang out tonight…?  And more importantly…what am I going to wear??

I decide the best thing to do is give myself options – I don’t want to be stuck staying with him on the yacht with the expectation of sex so I find a nice hotel room right by the harbor and book it.

I get there and he gives me a big hug and kiss.   It turns out Betty is there too.  It’s the three of us…

Have I been roped into a threesome?!

I panic slightly for a second but don’t let it show.  It’s actually nice to see Betty – she’s really sweet and I’m trying to set her up with one of my friends.  Although I still don’t know what the angle is with her being there,. I just play it cool and decide to enjoy myself and see what happens…

He makes us some drinks and we all start chatting.  At first I’m a little nervous around GT and it turns out he’s a little nervous around me.  Having another female there sets me at ease and I’m able to talk with her and observe him observing me, and yeah, he’s nervous!  He won’t sit next to me.  He keeps standing up.  Then when he sits down next to me, he’ll put his arm around me, but he won’t sit for very long.  Then he’ll get up again and fiddle with the music.

At this point I’ve already let him know that I’m staying at hotel.  He’s surprised and asks why I’m not staying on the boat with him and Betty and I just smile and shrug my shoulders.  He says, that’s ok, I’ll be following you back to the hotel…I tell him, ok that’s fine, if you want to sleep on the balcony.  He smiles back.  He goes outside to mess with some control on the boat and it’s just me and Betty.

At this point Betty and I have established a comraderie.

AK: Is it just me, or does he seem nervous?

B:  He’s nervous.  You intimidate him.

AK: I do?  How so? (This girl is AWESOME giving me the inside scoop)

B: He can’t impress you like he tries to impress other girls.  He’s not sure what to do.

I find this interesting since our lunch date he seemed so calm and cool.

AK: Ohhh.  Am I doing something to make him nervous?

B:  No, no, you’re fine!  You’re being cool.  He just doesn’t know what to do around you.  You’re different (I hear all the alphas, quietly chuckling).

I’m about 3 or 4 drinks deep and definitely tipsy. I start the prowl.   As he’s giving me a tour of the boat, I grab his hand, pull him in and kiss him.  He’s a little surprised, but as I turn around and head up the stairs, he says, “You’re a baaad girl huh?” and smacks my ass.  I jump a bit, giggle and head up the stairs smiling….

GT wants to come back to the hotel with me and leave Betty on the yacht.  I tell him no, he can’t do that, he needs to stay with her on the boat.  She insists he goes with me. (Whew, they weren’t trying to rope me in for a threesome!).  I’m finally convinced (drink 5 or 6?).

We get back to the hotel.  It’s very nice view with an ocean view (I’m a baller – I don’t mess around).  He’s impressed.  I put some music on.  We climb into bed…

We start cuddling.  I have my face nuzzled in his neck.  I’m wearing nothing but a t-shirt and my underwear.  He has his arm around me.  I start kissing him on the neck and the cheek.  He doesn’t move his face at all.  Hmm, Drunk AK is starting to think maybe GT isn’t attracted to her…Drunk AK thinks why isn’t he attacking me??  Drunk AK wants to know why he isn’t kissing back??

Drunk AK: Kiss me.  What’s wrong?

GT:  Nothing is wrong.

He kisses me finally on the lips.  No tongue.  WTF, Drunk AK thinks…I need some tongue action here…

GT:  We have plenty of time to have sex. There’s no rush.

Wait, wait, plenty of time? Tonight?  Or…what does he mean?  Shit.  I’m freaking drunk.

Drunk AK: Who said anything about sex?  I just want you to kiss me.

At this point I’m cooing in his ear and pressing my body tight against his.  He remains frozen.

GT:  I really really need you to be a good girl.  You don’t understand…

Drunk AK: I don’t?  My hands are rubbing his arm and chest as I softly kiss his cheek.

GT: Trust me.  Let’s just lay here.

Drunk AK isn’t really listening and I grab his face and give him the most seductive kiss I can muster in my drunken state.  Then, as if a switch is flipped, he’s kissing me back.  His hands are everywhere, on my nipples, in my hair, grabbing my face, rubbing me over my underwear.  We are tearing at each other.

He flips me onto my side and his hands are all over my ass, my breasts, my stomach.  He is grinding into me and I’m grinding back.  He’s hard.  Very hard.  And I can tell he’s big.  (Thank God).  He slides a hand underneath my underwear and says, “Oh god, you’re so wet.”

I guess that’s what 4 months of sexual frustration will do.

Next thing you know, he’s on top of me and he starts to slide it in.  Keep in mind, it’s been 4 months and I’m a little tight – haven’t been using the Rabbit since it broke and I didn’t really use the dildo part of it anyway.  I gasp and he says, “Oh my god, you’re so tight…”

The tip is in.  We’re staring straight into each others eyes and even though I want this guy to completely tear me a part all night long.  I stop him.  I can tell he doesn’t want to stop and that it takes a lot for him to disengage and move from between my legs.  We are both breathing heavily as he lays down next to me.  See? He says.  That’s why I didn’t want to kiss you back…

He spent the night and left around 10 am with a kiss goodbye.   He texted me later in the day and then called yesterday.  He’s been attentive and sweet so far.

Things for me to keep in mind:

1.  Just because I’m interested in someone doesn’t mean I can’t still work on the relationship with myself.  Perhaps this is a good exercise in balance – can I date GT while maintaining the relationship with myself?  I think the answer is yes.

2.  Don’t get drunk the next time I’m trying not to have sex.

3.  Just because he put the tip in doesn’t mean we now have to start screwing like rabbits.

4.  Apparently 1 year of celibacy is unrealistic for AK.  But it’s all about the process – being able to blog about my thoughts and experiences and get feedback has been amazing.

Day 98/365 the AK Celibacy Project Ends.

Thoughts on the end of the project?  The tip?  Betty?  Should I continue to blog?

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53 Responses to “I guess the tip counts – the end of the AK Celibacy Project 2010 (in detail!)”

  1. yohami said

    did you find yourself yet? if not how does this balance exercise work

    • I tend to be the kind of girl who when shes with her man, she gives everything to him. Time, money, attention, and love. Now there’s nothing wrong with that, but I keep picking the wrong men to give all that to. There are usually signs early on that they are the wrong men, but because I’m so engrossed in them, so off balance, that I ignore the signs.

      So I think this exercise in balance will involve me taking it slow (at least emotionally) and understanding that the best way for me to get a higher quality man is for me to be the highest quality person that I can be. Then everything else will just fall into place.

      And finding yourself is an ongoing process I think. I definitely feel like I’ve gotten a good start. And balance requires me to continue to do that even while I’m getting to know someone else and deciding whether they are the right partner for me…

      At least… That’s what I’ve thought of so far…

      Do you have any suggestions?

  2. Rivelino said

    wait, just the tip is a joke from the wedding crashers. not supposed to happen in real life. wtf.

    have a work deadline. will reread carefully later.

    • Well it wasn’t my intention to actually play the game…Things went from 0 to 60 and I thought better of it…it seemed there was part of him that wanted to hold back as well so we inadvertently played the Just the Tip Game…

  3. adrian drummond said

    “We have plenty of time to have sex. There’s no rush”.

    “I really really need you to be a good girl. You don’t understand…”

    If i was saying this, i guess i’d be hoping that she wasn’t going to be like all the other girls.

    • That was my impression as well…

      I hope I made the cut – I think I did so far. He’s been calling and texting consistently since that night.

      • Of course….that could just be because he wants to have sex and put in more than just the tip.

        Trying not to get that rationalization hamster going…

      • ASF said

        Um, man hard in physical proximity to you = wants to have sex. How can you even doubt such an elementary thing? You want to have sex too, of course. You just want to have it with a quality guy, unlike all or most of the other guys you were with in the past.

      • “Trying not to get that rationalization hamster going…”

        Too late. That thing is already furiously spinning the wheel.

      • Yes…now, how to slow it down? Think like a man?

      • I think it is important to recognize who is spinning the wheel.

        You are spinning the wheel.

        You *can* stop spinning it, and if you stop actively pushing it, spinning it, it will eventually slow down and stop, but you don’t really want to stop spinning it, because it feels good. You spin the wheel faster and faster, precisely because it feels good.

        If you really wanted it to stop, you would stop spinning it.

      • I realize I’m the one spinning it. Who else would?

        And are you saying that you think I can only be happy when the wheel is spinning?

        I’ve been very curious about the rationalization hamster theory so that’s why I’m asking.

        We all have to rationalize some behavior in our lives – that’s how we make choices and decisions. Some of the rationalization is good, some bad. Rationalization is sometimes no more than reasoned thinking.

      • If you know you are the one who is spinning the wheel, then why ask how to stop spinning it?

        On the contrary, I think it is not possible to be really happy while furiously spinning the wheel. Feeling good does not equal being happy. Being happy does feel good, but feeling good does not necessarily make you happy.

        Rationalization is a mechanism for justifying acting on our impulses. It is a mechanism for avoiding ownership of our actions. People don’t have to rationalize, but they often do.

  4. yohami said

    for me it sounds like the guy has shame about having sex

    • Hmmm…interesting.

      What makes you say that he has shame?

      • yohami said

        inconsistencies

        – he was uncomfortable / intimidated first
        – he pulls you to his hotel room
        – cuddles on the bed without making a move, but sniffes your neck. thats a deAngelo move and a lame one
        – he doesnt kiss you. why?
        – he says “there will be plenty of time to have sex”, why? are you both a couple now?
        – he rushes and grabs you hard and rampages into sex, but did he finger you? did he worked you sexually before the penetration? I guess not, since you werent ready and asked him to stop
        – he “tips”, so you say “stop”
        – he says “I told you this would happen”. what exactly, the stopping part? or the sex part?

        if its the stopping and he knew, this happens to him often. if its the sex, it makes no sense since he pulled you for no other reason than having sex

        now he calls you and texts you consistently, what for exactly, did he arranged a date, are you two fucking tonight?

        my veredict: lame dude trying game

      • – he pulls you to his hotel room

        – it was my hotel room. He invited himself along. I put up a fight, but not for very long.

        but sniffes your neck.

        It was me nuzzling his neck.

        thats a deAngelo move and a lame one

        Who is DeAngelo?

        – he doesnt kiss you. why?

        He does kiss me, but not with any tongue. Kind of like one of those good night kisses you get from your partner when they don’t want to have sex but you do and they know it. Kiss on the lips, sweet, but not sexy. He doesn’t use the tongue until I grab his face and kiss him with as much sexiness as I can.

        – he says “there will be plenty of time to have sex”, why? are you both a couple now?

        Uhhh, as far as I know, we’re not a couple. I’m not dating other people or anything like that, but I don’t know him well enough yet to know if I want to have a LTR with the guy. I just know I like him enough to keep hanging out with him and getting to know him.

        but did he finger you? did he worked you sexually before the penetration?

        Yes he did, I was just shy about posting that in detail…don’t know why…just was. Maybe I’m the one with shame…?

        – he says “I told you this would happen”. what exactly, the stopping part? or the sex part?

        I dunno what he meant. I’m assuming the sex part, but that could be my rationalization hamster.

        now he calls you and texts you consistently, what for exactly, did he arranged a date, are you two fucking tonight?

        He hasn’t arranged a date, and as far as I’m concerned, we aren’t fucking tonight. I don’t know why he’s calling and texting…perhaps to say hello? Let me know he likes me…? I dunno!

        Is it possible he’s just a nice guy?

      • yohami said

        I confused a few things, his room your room your neck his… whatever

        deAngelo is one of the game gurus, he advices stuff like that

        for me there are enough signs this is a lame guy, nice guy if you want to call him that. consistency is missing

      • Ah, got it. Noted.

    • Racer X said

      I agree with Yohami. As I mentioned before, he seems a little weak. When a man is lying in bed with a half naked girl, and he is NOT the aggressor, well, you have to wonder why.

      It will be interesting to see how all this plays out. Keep us updated. Perhaps he was just nervous that night.

      Nice story. I was looking forward to a possible threesome though. And yes, don’t spare the details about other things, like the fingering, etc. Of course, we need all the information in order to give you the best advice on your renewed love life.

      And have you ever done a threesome? Would you have that night? Do you want to have a threesome with me and another girl? Or a twosome between me and you? I can guarantee I will be more aggressive, masculine, virile. There won’t be those questions running through your mind if you were with me, you would simply be consumed in the most consummate seduction.

      • Well..maybe that’s what I need. What you guys call a “weak” guy… Him holding back and following up makes me feel like perhaps he is interested in more than just sex, which is really what I’m looking for. I don’t know whether or not he is…still waiting to see…

        Sorry to disappoint on the threesome…Haven’t done one before but I have made out with 2 of my friends. Just kissing. No big deal. And if I WERE to have a threesome…I don’t think it would’ve been with Betty… she’s sweet and everything, but not really my type.

        And please explain how details about fingering will give you guys the ability to give me the best advice on my dating life?? Haha..I said I was wet! That was pretty detailed…

      • yohami said

        it seems he initiated sex before you were ready, hence you said stop

      • yohami said

        and no one needs a “weak” guy unless its your thing, you need a strong man who wants a relatioship. weak guys are weak in a relationship too

      • I was physically ready…I just think I changed my mind and thought better of going through with it. He was respectful, he pulled out and it was fine after that…

        I definitely need a strong man…I was just saying that maybe my definition of what is strong is different from other definitions.

        For example, I know this guy is attracted to me. I know he finds me sexy and I know he wants to have sex with me. So for him to not be the initial aggressor sexually…perhaps that indicates his strength and not a weakness. After all, if he’s a guy who gets ass thrown at him all the time, it’s no big deal to have sex with a horny chick in bed, especially if he’s not interested in her as a LTR.

        There’s something to be said for waiting. If anyone was weak…it was me…

      • yohami said

        then your mind wasnt ready before he initiated, same thing

        you are obviously interested on the guy and the developing story, however the way you tie ideas to rationalize it dont make any sense

        it either felt RIGHT or it didnt, its really that simple

        “For example, I know this guy is attracted to me. I know he finds me sexy and I know he wants to have sex with me.”

        you are described almost every guy on earth

        “So for him to not be the initial aggressor sexually…perhaps that indicates his strength and not a weakness.”

        weakness, unless you were so drunk you wouldnt know whats going on (rape)

        “especially if he’s not interested in her as a LTR.”

        men are not like that, thats what a girl would do, not a man

        the only reason a man wouldnt go for sex: fear and consequences – nothing related to LTR or level of interest. if a man wants a girl and she is up for sex, love interest doesnt get in the way, theres no conflict there. its not like you are going to think “oh he is a whore, slept with me in the first date, no boyfriend material” – doesnt work that way

        and he did tip you so, “perhaps” overriden

      • It felt right…but I was worried about what he would think of me. So I stopped.

        And I am very interested in him. I totally admit that. Whether he is LTR material remains to be seen.

        You are totally right – I am projecting they way *I* would think onto his actions…thanks for pointing that out.

        So..what do you suggest I do next? If anything?

      • yohami said

        overall? get more self-centered and have fun!

      • Have fun? Absolutely!!

        Self-centered – I’m assuming you mean be more centered on myself, right?

      • yohami said

        yes

      • Good advice! Perhaps that or some variation of it can be the new theme of my blog…

  5. ASF said

    Not really having sex was probably a good idea. No guarantee of future happiness, but it likely increases the odds. I was right when I posted way back that I didn’t think you would make it, but that’s not so bad. You’re a very sexual person, so this self-denial is not natural and largely pointless.

    The more interesting thing is Betty’s presence. Was it planned? She convinced you to go! What could be better than for another woman to tell you to have sex with a dude you both know. Ultimate social proof.

    • You’re a very sexual person, so this self-denial is not natural and largely pointless.

      Yes, maybe instead of self-denial, I should just try taming it…

      The more interesting thing is Betty’s presence. Was it planned?

      Betty being there was interesting for me as well. She remarked to me she thought it was weird for her to be there. I was also working on her trying to get her to go out with a good friend of mine that she met a couple weeks back. I had broken her down a bit, but I don’t think she knew it. I always kept in mind that he was her friend and that I shouldn’t completely trust everything she says and that it was very possible he may have told Betty to talk him up, or that at the very least, she would do it on her own.

      When he invited me down he didn’t say anything about Betty. I literally didn’t know until I showed up that she was there.

      I also left this out in an attempt to keep the post short – About 5 in the morning GT’s phone rang and it was Betty. There were some alarms going off on the boat and she didn’t know how to shut them down. GT tried to talk her through it over the phone. After about 10 minutes of this I rolled over and told him to just have her come up to the hotel room and have her crash on the couch in the room. This was after we had played the Just the Tip Game.

      GT had to do something for work in the morning and left Betty with me. I ended up driving her home and you know how girls are…they like to gossip and talk so eventually she told me more than she should’ve.

      • ASF said

        Go on…(Jon Stewart voice)

      • LOL, I completely adore Jon Stewart so I know exactly the tone…hahaha

        Well see, she told me some things about his psycho ex-girlfriends, his work business, stuff like that…stuff I should probably find out on my own through conversation with him. The next morning she told me that he had been bragging to his friend earlier about hanging out with me and that she can tell he’s very interested. She dished everything out with the caveat, “Don’t tell him I told you!”

        But it was more the things she was telling me indirectly about him and I don’t even think she knew she was doing it. I noticed she liked to talk a lot, so really I didn’t even have to ask her very many questions…she kinda just ran with it. And honestly, she’s a really sweet girl and I don’t think she knew I was using my lawyer tricks on her…

        Not sure how much you know about GT (he’s a musician, worked with big names, and still does) but IF I were a gold digger or fame whore (which I’m neither), it’s just the kind of stuff I would want to know. What he likes, what he’s looking for, what interests him, what projects he’s working on, how much money he has…stuff like that…stuff that if you are running a tight game and trying to defend your friend against gold diggers and fame whores (apparently there are a lot of them) you wouldn’t tell them any of that. Luckily, I’m not a gold digger so GT has nothing to worry about, but what it did was give me more information than I felt entitled by him to know. She sold him out a little bit, but I got the feeling she was trying to impress me with how much she knew about him and also, trying to impart what a great guy she thought he was (social proof)

      • Lily said

        Is gt..riff dog…?!!

        I have some thoughts on this but mulling..stay cool.

        And honestly, la,’musicians, dubious past.. What are you thinking of getting into that situation…unprotected…? I’m sire the tip counts for chlamydia.. Hpv..etc etc..get down to the gynaecologist now..

      • I knew you’d catch that Lily…well I’m gonna go get tested. This is why alcohol is baaad…

      • Lily said

        “I knew you’d catch that Lily”
        I knew it…you do know Riff Dog is married right?

      • LOL. No GT is not Riff Dog, and yes I know Riff Dog is married cuz I enjoy reading his blog… 😛

        I meant that I knew you’d catch the unprotected part and call me out on it, LOL.

      • Lily said

        Yes, I know, I was just being silly 🙂

      • Lily said

        Nothing gets past Lily, even if she isn’t clever enough to be a lawyer.
        (well maybe not nothing, but most things anyway).

      • Lily, I’m *barely* clever enough to be a lawyer…

        😉

      • If you’re sexually active in a Western country there’s like a 90% chance you have HPV, since everyone has it. Have you seen the statistics? There’s like a 1-3% chance you have the kind that will give you cancer or genital warts.

        Anyway, yeah, ghonorrhea, chlamydia, herpes….yikes. Even pregnancy unless you’re on the pill. Partially why sex scares the shit out of me, when you hear that 1 in 3 people have herpes….

  6. Riff Dog said

    Three months is still pretty good. For a girl. 😉

  7. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Ashleee Karen, Ashleee Karen. Ashleee Karen said: I guess the tip counts – the end of the AK Celibacy Project 2010 (in detail!): http://wp.me/p12SOx-6t […]

  8. Doug1 said

    Well I wouldn’t count the tip as counting. Though I think you want it to, to unshackle yourself. Which is cool.

    Look at it this way, if you were a virgin with no untoward accident in your youth, you’d still be a virgin. Now if he came when the tip was inside you that might be different. See SDaedalus’ post on sponge bath conception. Also just a tad embarrassing for him.

    • I will definitely need to check that post out…sponge bath conception…I like!

      Maybe I should re-shackle myself… I mean, according to my own rules, which were no under the belt touching, I’m done. But I wouldn’t be opposed to re-starting the project after I see what happens with GT.

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