Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Celibate from intimacy…?

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 22, 2011

Since breaking up with T I have dated a few guys and have had sex with them, but I can say that I have never really achieved that level of intimacy that I’ve been craving.

Intimacy, at least for me, is something that takes a long time to build.  I have had sex with men and been affectionate, warm, and inviting, but not truly intimate.  It’s that unspoken familiarity between two people – feeling comfortable enough to curl up next to someone without restraint, knowing exactly how they are going to put their arms around you… those are the things that I miss.  

Sure, sex often leads to cuddling, affection, hand holding and kisses on the forehead, but it’s not the same.  I can have sex with someone and be responsive and engaged…but without the intimacy, without love…it’s not the same.  I hold back – GT and I have only really had sex the one time and things with him are so inconsistent that I hold back emotionally as well.  Not physically so much…maybe just a little because I’m still self-conscious, but with true intimacy, all that self-consciousness is wiped away.

I realize that the last person I was truly intimate with was T.  About 6 or 7 months ago we had had a brief tryst and it was there.   But it was bitter for me… And were my judgment to falter  again and I called him up, we’d probably attack each other as if there hadn’t been any time between us.  And though it might feel strange to feel that intimate with someone who has hurt me so much, it would be there anyway.

I now know that I could never have any realistic long term situation with GT, and frankly his inconsistency is beginning to wear on me.  The excitement of getting to know someone has faded – I am far too old to put up with games, whether they are inadvertent or not.  The little I have gleaned from him leads me to believe that although he may genuinely like me, he is far too selfish a person for me to ever seriously consider being with.  He is still caught up in the rockstar lifestyle and has a million balls in the air…I’m not foolish enough to think that he will ever change who he is – I learned a long time ago that you must take a man for who he is and never expect him to be anything but that.

I cannot say that I am sad.  Or unhappy.  I’m not either of these things.  But I miss feeling the weight of a man that I love on top of me.  I miss being able to wake up in the morning with a man I love fumbling with the sheets to get closer to me so I can feel his breath on my neck… I miss cooking for a man!  Haha, never thought I’d feel that way…  These are the treasures you get when you are intimate with someone.  And I have been celibate from these treasures for a long time…


26 Responses to “Celibate from intimacy…?”

  1. “He is still caught up in the rockstar lifestyle”

    That is because he is a narcissist. Most people who entertain (or want to) for a living are, though there are many narcissists who aren’t entertainers.

    • Yes, I’m starting to see that. He’s a nice enough guy, but I’m not here to bask in his rockstar glow (or what’s left of it). I have no hard feelings against the guy, really, but spending time getting to know me doesn’t seem to rank anywhere near the top of his priority list. 5 years ago I may have tried harder to fight my way to the top of that list, but I don’t have the energy or the inclination to do that. Not to sound self-worshipping, but I’m a decent enough catch and it’s beneath me to engage in that behavior.

      • To think of yourself as a “decent enough catch” is to think of yourself in terms of your appeal to others. Why concern yourself with that?

      • Well…let me explain.

        I am who I am because this is who I want to be. Not because I think others want me to be this way. if I am kind to someone, it is out of my own kindness, not in the hope that someone will think that I am kind. If I am good at my job, it is because that is what I want for myself – to be good at my job.

        If people see that I am kind, or good at my job, or whatever else it may be, then that’s what they see. But my motivations to be those things are not because i want people to see me that way. It is because that is who I am.

        So – I don’t care whether GT thinks I’m a “decent enough catch” – it only matters that I think that.

      • If not a decent enough catch to GT then to whom?

      • Hmmm well to be honest…I don’t think GT is decent enough catch for me – there are other things besides jobs, money and status that matter to me.

      • A catch is caught by someone else.

      • The point I am attempting to make is that thinking of yourself “being a catch” (in general) is to think of yourself in terms of your appeal to others. It is a trap.

      • I understand your point. The point I was attempting to make is that I can look at myself through someone else’s eyes but that doesn’t mean it’s the only way that I look at myself.

      • Looking at yourself through someone else’s eyes is more generic than looking at yourself by way of your appeal to someone else, which is what is implied by being a “catch”.

      • And no one said that is the only way you look at yourself, but why look at yourself that way at all?

      • Because I don’t live in a bubble!

        I don’t think it’s a good thing to primarily look at yourself through other people’s eyes, but every once in awhile it might not be a bad thing.

  2. “because he is a narcissist”, which also explains the lack of intimacy. Narcissists are incapable of intimacy because other people don’t really exist for them (in the sense of them not recognizing psychological entities separate from themselves).

    • Yes I noticed that it was really hard to get to know him, which is what I really need to build the intimacy. Physically, he was very affectionate, but like I said, that’s not enough for me… I don’t think he can sit still long enough for someone to really get to know him, which is exactly the way he likes it I think…

  3. paultheking said

    very well written 😉

  4. ASF said

    Is marriage a requirement for you?

    • Not a requirement, no. I’m not the type to pressure a man into marriage – I don’t believe in the ultimatum thing, or getting pregnant to keep a guy, thing. However, I suppose that if I was with a man I loved for a long period of time and things were good, that I should like to get married to him. But I would be just as happy in a committed LTR without marriage.

  5. awww ashleee you break my heart. 😦

  6. Solomon II said

    You’re so much sweeter in your posts than I am in mine. I always enjoy paroozing your blog.

    • I am actually honored that you link to and read my blog. And thank you for the compliment. I find your blog fascinating and read it often. Although it’s a game blog, I’ve read a couple things here and there that I found to be very sweet…

      • Solomon II said

        I’ve read a couple things here and there that I found to be very sweet…

        Darn it. I must be doing something wrong!

      • Not at all! Us Alpha lovers like to see a sweet side now and then – means our investment isn’t a total waste of time and shows us you’re not a total dick. We love that – bad boy with a heart of gold – gives us a reason to stick around.

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