Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

“You’re intimidating”

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 26, 2011


Although I have already decided that GT isn’t a long term match for me, there is something that is bothering me and I wanted to throw it out there to my readers.

What does it mean when a man says “You’re intimidating.”??

A little about me to give you a big picture:

1.  I’m a lawyer and I’ve been practicing for over 5 years now, but I don’t go around shoving it in people’s faces.  Often, I play it down, and don’t talk about it too much.   If I can avoid saying what I do for a living, I will.  Not because I’m not proud of it, but because I always get some weird reaction from it and I’d just as soon as not deal with it.

2.  I make good money.  I’m not the type to tell people what I make (here in LA, there are LOTS of people who feel they need to tell you how much they make, or how much something costs) I don’t go around telling people I’m rich, but I do have expensive taste and it tends to show.  Chanel, Gucci, Prada, Chloe, and Louis are all very close friends of mine…

3.  I will admit I am high maintainence – I get my nails and hair done religiously. I get my teeth whitened, and they are straight as an arrow.  I also get my eyebrows shaped, have done microderm abrasion, and laser hair removal.  I also have a bad shoe habit and like to get the latest gadgets.  Do I talk about this with guys I’m dating?  Not initially, no.  Do I ever expect anyone else to pay for any of that stuff? No.  I can pay for it myself.  Is it likely that people notice all this stuff?  Yes.  And no, I haven’t gotten any plastic surgery.

4. I’m aggressive in my job, but not the same way in my personal life.  I turn that off when I don’t have my lawyer hat on.  I would say I’m assertive and actually pretty easy going.

5.  I can be a ridiculous pushover and sucker.  The problem is that I see the good in everyone, doesn’t matter who they are, or what they did, I find something redeeming about everyone, even if I don’t like them as a person.  It’s also a good thing that I see people that way, but it gets me into trouble just as much as it benefits me.

Here’s the conversation between me and GT:

AK: I really need you to be more consistent with me.  I’m not saying I want to know if you’re my boyfriend or not, I’m just saying you should follow through with what you say you’re going to follow through with.

GT: The problem is that you’re intimidating…

AK: (puzzled look) How have I been intimidating you?

GT: It’s not anything you’re doing…it’s who you are…you’re secure in your life and I’m not. My life has been on hold for a long time because of x, y, z  (editing to protect his privacy).  And until I can a, b, c the x, y, z, then I won’t be in a position to give you what I know you deserve.

AK: But I know about x, y, and z, and it doesn’t bother me at all.  If it did, I wouldn’t be sitting here with you right now.

GT: I know it doesn’t because you’re such a sweet girl.  And when I think about you and me, of course I’m thinking long term…. Like, what are your parents going to think when they meet me?

AK: My parents? (Head cocked, eyes wide)

GT: Yeah, your parents.  I can tell they adore you and I don’t think they would like me very much because of x, y, z.

AK: My parents?  Why are we talking about my parents?

GT: Because I’ve been thinking about that…

AK: But why? I think you’re getting ahead of yourself.  It’s too soon for a conversation about you meeting my parents.  Let’s just figure out whether we are compatible with each other before we start throwing in family and what not…

GT: It’s just intimidating is all…

I see how he deflected his behavior onto me – I tell him he’s inconsistent and he basically says it’s my fault.  What he’s really saying is that because he’s starting to figure out that he won’t match up to me, there’s no point in him being consistent and reliable because he’s already decided it won’t go anywhere….  Another possibility is that he’s trying to intentionally mess with my head, but I didn’t get the sense that he was.  At least that’s my take on it.

But this “You’re intimidating” thing has come up several times with different guys so I’m curious what my readers think… Thoughts?

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35 Responses to ““You’re intimidating””

  1. n1i2c3o4l5e said

    At least he’s frank. He trust you enough to be so. He seems to lack confidence in himself and wants you to reassure him. My oppinion is that regardless of our social status we ought to strive for equality with others.

    • I definitely think he’s insecure. And I thought I had reassured him by telling him I didn’t care. Perhaps he wanted to hear that my parents would like him, but seriously, I dont think it’s am appropriate conversation at this point.

  2. ASF said

    You will never be able to do anything about his insecurity, no matter how much you reassure him. Only he can change that about himself. Constantly reassuring him will get old; we reassure children, not grown men. Why is he talking about meeting the parents when you’re not even dating? His mind is disorganized. His confidence is inch deep: he was able to seduce you/attract you, but now that he’s accomplished it, he’s feeling lost. Can’t you find a man who has it together? 🙂

    Incidentally, what’s your practice area? I do IP work.

    • You will never be able to do anything about his insecurity, no matter how much you reassure him.

      Good point… And I agree with you for the most part. Sometimes I think it depends on how much confidence a person has when it comes to trying to reassure them. Even the most confident person has moments of doubt. But I think you’re right – his confidence IS inch deep and his mind is all over the place. I think he has ADD, no joke. Sweet as hell, but very disorganized.

      Can’t you find a man who has it together?

      Lol, apparently not…

      And do you think men find me intimidating because they are insecure…? And what does it even mean when a man says that?

  3. ASF said

    The most common intimidating factor in women (for me) is physical attractiveness, but at least I recognize that that’s just my own issue. I have never been intimidated by a woman simply by virtue of her job/credentials, partly because my own are incredibly high, and partly because they are actually irrelevant (i.e. that’s not what I find attractive about women). Generally being an accomplished woman is not a positive, it’s neutral at best. It’s good that you don’t flaunt your accomplishments, but you likely convey a certain confidence merely by the way you present yourself, aside from the fancy pants clothes. Maybe you should shop at Target and Payless and see how that goes?

    You’ve read enough of game theory to know that for things to work well the woman to be submissive to the man, i.e. the man should lead. He probably feels this is impossible because he thinks you’re too smart, make more money than him, etc. He lacks confidence, basically. That’s what it always comes down to.

    • The most common intimidating factor in women (for me) is physical attractiveness

      Hmmm…I have been told by both guy and girl friends that I tend to date guys who are much less attractive than me. And what initially drew me to GT was not necessarily his physicality, but more his swagger, the way he held himself and how assertive/aggressive he was with me when he started running game on me… I just don’t know what happened to all that swagger…

      Maybe you should shop at Target and Payless and see how that goes?

      I do shop at Target!! I love Target! I shop at Ross and Marshalls too – who doesn’t love a bargain. Payless…? No, I’m sorry, I can’t do it… those shoes always fall a part… that’s why you “pay less”… I think I painted a picture too fancy – I dress down a lot – love jeans and leggings, and not everything I have is brand name. But when it comes to certain things, purses, shoes, suits, jackets… yeah I splurge. I guess the point is that I try to always look put together, even when I’m dressed casually. I dunno…maybe it’s an LA thing…

      You’ve read enough of game theory to know that for things to work well the woman to be submissive to the man, i.e. the man should lead

      Sigh…yes, I know! I’ve been trying my best… really I have! I let him lead as much as possible, and coo and fuss over how manly he is…

      • ASF said

        “what initially drew me to GT was not necessarily his physicality, but more his swagger, the way he held himself and how assertive/aggressive he was with me when he started running game on me” —> this means confidence.

        “I let him lead as much as possible, and coo and fuss over how manly he is…”

        But don’t you see that this is fake? You’re trying to recreate that initial feeling you had due to his swagger.

        I guess my point about how you look was that you project confidence, not female insecurity. I didn’t mean to suggest you should look like a bum, all guys like a girl who looks good. I don’t even know if he would recognize some of those brands. I’m a big Bvlgari fan myself, although the only things of theirs I own are cologne and deodorant.

        You provide nice insight into female thought/actions. The fact that you allegedly date less attractive men (subjective) but respond to male aggressiveness/assertiveness. You also demonstrate that a guy can fake confidence and still get ass. You’re an excellent case study AK!

      • You’re an excellent case study AK!

        Haha, is that another way of calling me koo koo? I probably am.

        He does recognize all those brands. Actually, whenever we’d be out, he’d say, “Oh nice, a Gucci” or “That’s a nice Chanel”. He would recognize stuff that had no labels on them at all. He even knew Tory Burch, which is high end but a little less recognizable than say a Chanel or Louis… He himself is a brand whore, D&G, Gucci, John Varvatos – I’ve seen him wear all of that and he made a point of telling me he was. I guess that’s why I brought it up in my post originally because if he recognizes those brands then he probably knows how much they cost. I showed him pictures from Cabo as well, and he commented on how nice the view and the room was and I could see the wheels just spinning in his head… he’s made comments like “you’re upper echelon” and “You’re high class”. He’s asked me about my family and where I grew up, you know, all that good stuff, and I’m from a beach town where it’s not cheap to live. One night we were out in my hometown and I took him by the house I grew up in. Not to impress him, but to show him things like, “Hey, that’s my bedroom window, and I used to sneak out of it…” You know, stuff like that, trying to let him get to know me a little better.

        Bottom line is that I think I emasculate him. Not intentionally of course. But I know some men like to feel needed and like to provide for their woman and perhaps he understands that I’ve kind of got all of that figured out. So what would be his role? Cuckold? Nah, i don’t like cuckolds either…

        Maybe the solution is that I should just date rich, attractive guys from good families? Like those guys are just walking around or something… Not because they are rich, but because maybe I won’t have to worry about that “intimidating” stuff… good thing I didn’t tell GT more about my family…that REALLY would’ve intimidated him.

      • I have never been intimidated by a woman simply by virtue of her job/credentials, partly because my own are incredibly high, and partly because they are actually irrelevant (i.e. that’s not what I find attractive about women).

        Maybe the solution is that I should just date rich, attractive guys from good families?

        Maybe you and I should just date ASF. You sound like my type 😉

  4. Lily said

    “Maybe you should shop at Target and Payless and see how that goes?”
    Hmm, whilst I’m not exactly a label whore (labels on the inside please), is any guy worth doing this for? Seriously?! 🙂 Wouldn’t it be better to have a quiet life with chickens?
    I didn’t actually realise Payless was a real shop, I remember it being mentioned in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Cordelia.
    AK, I think you should visit England, our lawyer boys would go crazy for you ‘oh so exotic’..plus you have that whole green card thing …

    • is any guy worth doing this for? Seriously?! Wouldn’t it be better to have a quiet life with chickens?

      Haha, yes it would!

    • plus you have that whole green card thing …

      At this point, if a green card is what it takes, then I guess a green card it is… 😉

      • Lily said

        Just do it over here though, they won’t know what hit them. If they meet someone like you, They’ll be like Nick Clegg in my blog post with his Spanish wife.

        Don’t go for an English boy in America, they’ll be distracted by the other goods on display. The ones who do go over report that pulling women is like shooting fish in a barrel!

      • Can I just meet Nick Clegg instead? He’s hot.

      • Lily said

        and make sure you talk to the upper middle class lawyer boys, not the jack the lad types like krauser and jambones.

        I would set you up with my only single brother but he’s just got engaged.

      • Krauser sounds like a fucking creep. Seriously. Have you heard his voice? What a shitty accent. No wonder he can only sleep with foreign girls.

      • Lily said

        @ashleee
        Sadly, Nick Clegg is all taken, not just with getting men parental leave but his wife and 3 boys. Also, I don’t think you’d be too impressed with his giftbuying, somehow I don’t think you’d be too impressed with Kendal mint cake (it’s mint covered in chocolate)
        http://www.thestar.co.uk/news/local/present_but_not_so_correct_1_2977875
        @Mandy
        I have not actually watched any of Krauser’s vids so don’t actually know what he sounds like. But funny post on how girls on online dating may be doing it because they are too busy so therefore they must be masculine career women (hey, any girl who pays her own bills probably works during the days, especially those poor shop girls they work really long hours at minimum wage instead of hanging around Covent Garden waiting to be picked up by him or his crew. Ho hum).

      • I’ve never been on Krauser’s page, although I’ve seen his link here and there…

        And I would TOTALLY be impressed with a mint cake. I love mint and chocolate!

        It doesn’t have to be Chanel to make me happy… 😉

  5. ASF said

    “Maybe you and I should just date ASF. You sound like my type”

    West Coast vs. East Coast, I dunno AK. A two-lawyer couple? Scary good or scary bad, it’s a toss up. Are you any good at phone sex? 😉 I can say one thing with confidence: I am way more together than any guy you I have seen you describe (in terms of personality issues) in this blog.

  6. If you are anything like my father’s cousin….yes, I can see how you’re intimidating. She scares the shit out of me.

  7. Bricona said

    Beta Men, always ruining now with thoughts of “what if.”

    He really needs to do his homework.

  8. LeighTerell said

    Honestly, it’s like we’re twins! With a few exceptions….I’m an avid New Yorker, CPA and have only one beautiful puppy! Okay so here’s how I stubbled upon your blog….my “intimidation factor” has not only impeded on my social life but it’s rearing its ugly head into my corporate life—Help! Any way you have made this work for you at the office?

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