Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

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Winning the Lottery

Posted by ashleeekaren on March 8, 2011


A close friend of mine who probably knows me better than anyone said to me the other day:

“You are someone who puts yourself out there – it’s your worst and best quality.”

I think what she meant by that (as it was said in the context of discussing what occurred with Big Guy) was that despite all of the terrible dates and bad guys I’ve dated, I keep putting myself out there to get hurt again…

Now keep in mind, none of the guys I’ve hung out with or dated in the past 2 and half years since I’ve been single have gotten anywhere close to my heart to the point where they could really hurt me. .. Sure, some of them might have annoyed me, or maybe I got a little sad about them… but actually getting to me??  Nah, never happened once.  Not like how T  did, or Martin…

One of my biggest fears is being so wrecked by my relationships with T and Martin that I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable with another guy again…so everytime I feel myself retreating back into my victim cave, I snap myself out of it.  I’ve gotta put myself out there.  I need to keep my heart open.

I still believe in love.

And yesterday I was thinking:  finding a man who will love you and you can love back, is like winning the lottery.  If I never buy a ticket, then I’ll never have a chance to win.  Sure, those odds may be small, but they are odds nonetheless.

I like playing the odds.  So I gotta keep buying those tickets…

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19 Responses to “Winning the Lottery”

  1. Gwen said

    “One of my biggest fears is being so wrecked by my relationships with T and Martin that I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable with another guy again…”

    I can totally relate to this. A couple really bad relationships under your belt and you’re not so excited about being hurt again. I’m like you; I believe in love. When you find the really good guy you’ll be vulnerable again. What you’re doing now is weeding out the losers.

    • Weeding out the losers is a good way to put it. And even the “losers” weren’t such bad guys. Maybe I was a bit harsh. The truth is they weren’t all that bad – just not where or who I needed them to be for me.

      • Gwen said

        You’re right, losers is a strong word. But as far as where you want to go, and at what rate, they sort of are. But in a less mean way. 🙂 I get the feeling you’re not at a place where you’re willing to teach a man how to treat you, or wait for him to grow up to be what you’re looking for.

      • Yeah I’m definitely past that phase. I spent most of my 20’s on men who I thought I could fix up into Mr. Perfect, so what a shame it would be if I went into my 30’s still thinking the same thing…

        Big Guy could easily have turned into one of those guys (although on paper and physically, he was Mr. Perfect) and I could just as easily have pretended I could do the friends with benefits situation…but that’s not what I want. I want something more than that, more meaningful, more substance, and more than just fun. And all he wanted was fun.

        Sooo…. I guess he IS a loser – he loses out on Ashleee! Hahaha…

    • Phoenix said

      At least the ‘loser’ was honest about his intentions. He could have lied about it to which he would have spent more time dating you. And after a few rounds of sex, he’d be done with it.

      Give the guy credit for at least revealing his cards before you went all in. I tell you what Ashlee, don’t cross this guy off your list yet. If Big Guy wants to see you again, then feel free to keep dating. Maybe he’ll have a change of heart and want to settle down.

      How can you figure this out? By his actions – if he works on building an emotional connection for a good while, and not attempt to seduce you with physical escalation, then he’s probably wanting to get more serious with you.

      Any girl I want for a long term relationship = phone calls, dates, cuddling, and just making each other happy. Emotional bonding first, then physical later.

      • Big Guy is not a loser for sure. I give him more credit than any other guy I’ve hung out with this year. His honesty was refreshing and appreciated. I don’t think I’ll be hearing from him anytime soon but I’m ok with that. His intentions were clear and I won’t stick around to see if he changes his mind – cuz mine were clear too.

        Like I said – loser was harsh and only meant in jest as they “lost out” on me.

  2. ASF said

    Having a positive attitude is a good idea. And yeah, you gotta put yourself out there. Men having been doing it for ages. Is marriage a requirement for you?

    • I think that’s a tough question for me to answer – is marriage a requirement for happiness? For me, no, I think I will be ok if I never get married. Thankfully I have enough interests and passions in other areas of my life that will bring me fulfillment should I remain unmarried. But if I meet someone I’m in love with and is a good partner, sure, marriage would seem to fall into place, but required…?

      I think the word I’m having a problem with is “requirement”. The use of the word implies (at least to me) one of those crazy women who HAVE to get married and pressure their boyfriends and give ultimatums… I don’t view myself as one of those women.

  3. Solomon II said

    If you’re buying tickets, I’m screwed. I’m a low-stakes scratch off at best. I sent you my digits, so call or text a fellow blogger sometime.

  4. Veskrasen said

    It’s amazing how much getting your heart torn out a couple times can interfere with your life, isn’t it?

    Gotta hand it to you for still putting yourself out there. It’s tough, no doubt about it. The only advice I’d give – feel free to ignore it – is that sometimes it’s best NOT to force yourself out of your little cave. There’s times when it’s a damn good place to be, and you’re in there for a damn good reason. If you always override that instinct, you’re creating another pattern that might have you end up overriding a good instinct to avoid a person or situation. Like, I dunno, Big Guy for instance.

    Also, there’s times when you really just need to give yourself a bit of room to catch your breath and assimilate things. I’m an introvert by nature, and I do my best healing in my man cave. It can be just as damaging to put yourself out there when you’re honestly not ready to do so, as it can be to not put yourself out there when you ought to.

    The trick, I think, is to take an honest look at why you’re retreating, and see if your fears / reactions are rooted in something solid or if they stem from past trauma. Not always an easy thing to do, but we develop instincts for a reason.

  5. Introspection creates wisdom and a positive outlook on the future.

    Self-absorption creates the victim mentality and a negative outlook on the future.

  6. Lisa said

    Ashleee, are you hanging it up? Or just collecting some good new material? 🙂

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