Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

I burn too…

Posted by ashleeekaren on March 24, 2011

I’ve been insanely busy lately and was going to wait to post something until work had calmed down but I’ve gotten some comments lately inquiring as to whether I’ve quit the blog.  Then I read Racer X and a recent post he made about sexual desire and it inspired me, so here I am.

Racer X talks about a woman with whom he has an intense sexual connection, yet they haven’t had sex.

There is one girl I have been enjoying an unfulfilled sexual tryst with for a few years now. For various reasons I have chosen not to pursue her beyond the merely verbal and emotional, but we are both aware of our mutual desires for each other. In such situations you can feel the tension in the room whenever we are together.

That’s exactly how I feel about Big Guy… Yes, yes…Big Guy, who I so proudly rejected just a few short weeks ago.  But I haven’ t been able to get him out of my head and that stupid post it he handed me with his phone number keeps staring at my from my desk.  I should just toss it.  And erase his number.  But I haven’t…because I don’t want to.

In FACT, I burn so much for Big Guy that I ended up consummating my bathroom relationship with Bathroom Makeout Guy, aka Ethan.  Bathroom Makeout Guy is easy, uncomplicated (or so I thought) and I know exactly what he is – just fun.  Plus he has a ridiculous body.  Unfortunately any further bathroom makeout sessions have been cancelled indefinitely since his roommate, my friend, found out and is extremely uncomfortable with it.

This is unfortunate as my plan was to preoccupy myself with Bathroom Makeout Guy to avoid any burning desire to make a dumb excuse to call Big Guy.  Luckily, work has been so crazy busy that I haven’t had too much time to let my mind wander about him.

I wonder what it will be like when we run into each other (because we will eventually due to some unavoidable obligations we both have separately).  According to a friend of mine I have no poker face when it comes to a guy I’m attracted to.  “I can see it in your eyes – you don’t hold back.”  I wonder if I could work on that…I’m afraid he will see how much I want to let him take control, tell me what to do, and have his way with me.  That was part of my attraction to him – because of his imposing size and his personality I felt completely out of control…and I liked it.  I spend so much of my time trying to be in control of situations with work and business that when I’m with a man, I don’t want to control anything. I want to trust him enough to be able to do what he wants without hurting me…not just physically/sexually, but emotionally as well…



47 Responses to “I burn too…”

  1. Veskrasen said

    Had a Racer X kind of dynamic with VW for years.

    God damn was it good when we finally gave in.

    I know it’s not exactly helpful, since you’re steeling yourself to *not* give into him. But in your case I think that’s exactly what you need to do – you want more than he has to give, you already know that you’ll fall for him, hard, if you do go down that road. I know your celibacy project is over, but the principles still seem to be the same – not letting sexual attraction determine what relationships you’ll be in, or on what timeline.

    That said, I think you’ve found a few things you’ll really need in your next relationship. Namely a dominant, fit man who is confident and with whom you can lose control – and be protected and safe in doing so. Someone who stokes that fire just by being around, who you fantasize about constantly. Just need to make sure it’s attached to someone who can actually commit to you and give you the emotional security you also really need.

    So, when should I pencil you in? 🙂

    • Pencil me in! 😉

      It’s true, I do feel that although the celibacy project was short and sweet that I did learn a few things from it. Especially the lesson about not letting sex determine the relationship.

  2. Lisa said


    I went through something similar last year with a guy I was super attracted to (but was bad for me, of course). I deleted him from my phone contacts so I couldn’t drunk call or text him. He has a girlfriend now so he probably wouldn’t respond to me now anyway-a good thing.

    • I’m pretty good about not drunk texting or dialing guys unless we’ve been hanging out for awhile. Then it’s funny. But that stupid post it…why do I still have it?

      • Lisa said

        Cause you wanna call him. It’s gonna take a lot of willpower. Throw out the post it-burn it!

        When I ran in into my guy, I was nervous as hell. I had to put on an Oscar performance and act all non-nonchalant and aloof so he wouldn’t know I was still into him. Hopefully it worked.

      • Do you think there is more willpower involved in throwing away the post it? Or do you think there is more willpower in keeping the number and not calling?


      • Lily said

        You have it because you don’t want to admit it is over. Losing the potential of something can sometimes be harder than losing something you actually had.
        Shred it. Don’t just throw it away. Put it in a shredder in the office.
        Who knows, maybe you two will bump into each other again or maybe he will come find you. But in the meantime just get out there and meet as many guys as you can. The more you meet the more likely you will find someone who is right for you.
        And stay away from bathroom guy.

      • I know we will bump into each other again. Im sure of it. But you’re right I should just shred and burn the thing. After everything I said to him the last time we talked (totally polite and firm) if I called him it would look pathetic…

        And I put myself out there cuz I agree with you – it’s a numbers game (or the lottery a la my last post).

      • Lisa said

        You have it because you’re kind of hoping for an excuse to call him. If he wants to see you or talk to you, he can call you. And yes, there is the idea of looking pathetic. That’s what kept me from calling and texting-pride. The idea of giving him an ego boost and/or bragging to his buddies about a “stalker” was enough to stop me.

      • That’s exactly why I havent called. Im not going to. I just like fanasizing about it.

      • Lily said

        The guys calling girls stalker thing is so funny. I could not help but laugh when I saw the recent CR thread on it..they are like a bunch of 14 year old girls trying to work out how to make a boy like you..I thought game was about DHV, not I take any contact as a sign of a woman contacting me as stalking.

        A ‘player’ guy I know said he had a couple of stalkers, then showed me why one of them was. He was like ‘we split up over a year ago’. I was expecting to see threats etc..what was it..a really sweet text asking how he was.

        When you’ve been followed and had multiple phone calls as a teenage girl with hangups and finally the police trace the call & go around the to guy’s house and there are photos of you on his wall taken with a long range camera, then talk to me about stalking. Immature fools.

      • Go Lily!

      • Lily said

        lol. Just want to clarify the hangups were on my phone (back in the day when we all had one phone we shared with our parents and siblings) not mine. Though I did probably at that age have some hang ups 🙂 Most likely not helped by a man 20 years older stalking me. As in actual stalking boys. You know the type when you may be raped or hurt or murdered. Not some girl you once told you loved (with her not knowing you were saying the same words to several other girls) sending you some sweet text asking how you are.

  3. Have you tried therapy?

    • Yes I have. I’ve been on and off with my therapist for about 3+ years now. She’s helped me through a lot of tough times.

      But by you asking the question it seems to imply (at least to me), that you believe that having a burning sexual desire for someone is something unhealthy or something that I should work through in a therapy session… Am I misreading your implication?

      • Lily said

        It’s ok to have a burning sexual desire for someone. More than ok. But it’s less ok to try & get rid of that burning desire by randomly shagging another dude. It makes about as much sense as that if you have onenitis go shag 10 other girls.

      • Yeah…maybe. But it sure was fuuuun… and im staying away from Bathroom Guy don’t worry. Unlikely to happen again.

      • First, a few philosophical questions:
        Isn’t it weird that we feel compelled to consummate our desires? I mean, if desire was actually a pleasant thing, wouldn’t we want to prolong it as long as possible, never consummating it? And why would we call it burning, if it were a pleasant thing?
        And then the psychology:
        I wouldn’t say the desire itself is unhealthy, but obsessive thinking is sometimes a sign of unprocessed emotions.

      • I will be the first to admit that I can be obsessive. Not psycho obsessive. But definitely over thinking things.

        But see, also remember I write with a tinge of drama and flair. Or at least I try to. Its an outlet, its fun and apparently some people like to read it.

      • Lisa said

        I think we all tend to over analyze. But that’s how we know it’s a bad situation-if we need to think about it that much, and go over in our heads what everything means, then is the guy really into us? Obviously not.

        Give yourself credit for not calling Big Guy. You know that no good can come from it. Many (maybe most) women would have contacted him and wasted time with a short term, going nowhere relationship.

      • Thanks Lisa 🙂

      • Lily said

        “I will be the first to admit that I can be obsessive.”
        Oh no…don’t say you did something like say google him or look him up on Facebook..because you know..that’s STALKING lol

      • Uhhhhhhh I am NOT STALKING!!! 😉

      • The T said

        I’m happy that you’re doing what you think is the best for your regardless of what or how these other people try to judge you! have fun!


  4. Veskrasen said

    “I will be the first to admit that I can be obsessive. Not psycho obsessive. But definitely over thinking things.”

    Out of curiosity, what’s your Meyers-Briggs type? I’m an INTP, and I definitely get into emotional tizzies by overanalyzing and overthinking things that have a heavy emotional impact. Cf: recent blog entries by me 🙂

    I wonder if it’s a combination of the introversion and heavy thinking bent – we reach for the biggest hammer we’ve got – namely, our intellectual bent – and use it to whack on whatever problem comes to bear – namely, intense emotion – and generally don’t let other people into the loop as much because of the introverted aspect of things.

    • i’ve never done a Meyers-Briggs test so I don’t know and I’m honestly a little afraid to find out…

      And I should replace the word “obsessive” with the descriptor “neurotic”. I think that more accurately describes me.

      • Veskrasen said

        Why would you be afraid to find out? Not a “know thyself” kinda girl, or just think there’s parts of your personality you’d rather not have to acknowledge?

        Meyers-Briggs is just a general personality typing inventory, measuring Introversion vs. Extroversion, Sensing vs. Intuition, Thinking vs. Feeling, and Perception vs. Judgement. It’s a way of getting a handle on how someone basically processes the world around them, which can be rather helpful in figuring out how to communicate with them / work with them, or from a personal standpoint – figure out some of the reasons why you respond the way you do to things.

        Good example was me and Princessa – we were identical types, except she was extremely Feeling oriented, while I was extremely Thinking oriented. She’d always approach things from a very emotional standpoint, while I’d always come at things from a very intellectual standpoint. We ended up talking past each other a lot more than we probably should have.

        Something to think about.

  5. Racer X said

    Glad to see you are burning along with me, Ashleee…haha.

    There is a certain strange pleasure in torturing oneself with unfulfilled desires. I suppose it can be safe fantasy. Sometimes it is better never to know what someone is really like in bed, or what a sexual experience with that person would have been like. Often the reality is far different from the fantasy we construct in our minds. Often, but now always.

    For instance, I am sure the reality of being with a hot babe like Ashleee would far, far exceed the fantasy of being with her…I can imagine the both of us, violently attacking each other with all those pent up, frustrated passions and desires…I am sure it would be extremely intense.

  6. ASF said

    AK, you are truly a gift to the blogosphere. Your femininity permeates this entire post. You have oneitis. Normally affecting AFC males, it appears that you have also caught it. Do you wash your hands regularly?

    Anyway, take Roosh’s advice and think on this: do you think he’s thinking like this as well? Obsessing? Wondering if he should call? No, he is working on his next girl, or already had/has one and is banging her. At least you know, or should know what kind of man you want (and more importantly, need)…someone who will be the leader in your relationship, but one who wants something long term.

    • AFC?

      And thank you for the compliment assuming you meant it in a complimentary way.

      That post it is STILL on my desk.

      • ASF said

        I did mean it in a complimentary way. AFC = average frustrated chump, I guess that’s “game” lingo. Basically it’s a guy that’s pining away for a single girl.

        Shred that post it right now. Do not even think about it. You will feel lighter and better afterwards. Don’t let it become your totem. 😉

      • Totem – I like the use of that word.

        I will think on that…

  7. Lily said

    I saw this comment on some article in the Daily Mail the other day (my excuse for reading it is that it is blog fodder) and thought of you so kept it.

    this man was so captivating because he was unavailable.simple psychology. he played “the game” on you. I suggest you ask your friends about it, or look it up online. it is a trick men use to get women to fall in love with them. sometimes it is done unconsciously (see Audrina and Justin in the Hills) There was a documentary about it – look it up. I suggest you look for someone else. This guy did not love you. The pain you are feeling is damage to your self esteem. You think you need him to be happy – because he loved you but never enough. Women blame themselves and wonder how why the best part of themselves they were willing to give was rejected. A negative cycle of low self esteem and depression follows. It is a very painful but its not your fault, the guy was a player. I hope you find happiness with kind man and a best friend who cares about your happiness and future.

    • Lisa said

      I like that line- “the pain you are feeling is damage to your self esteem.” It’s so true!

    • I like what the quote is saying but I don’t think what I’m feeling for Big Guy can be described as painful. I like to describe it as wistful anxiety… which of course will pass with time.

  8. […] yeah, you guessed it […]

  9. Lisa said

    Ashleee! How have you been? On a hiatus I see! No Solomon and no Ashleee…guess I’m gonna have to really start that blog now!

  10. The T said

    Sounds like an encounter i JUST posted about on my blog…I’m reading your stuf and loving it!


  11. Racer X said

    Ashleee, you have not posting in a while.

    I can only conclude you must be getting some real good sex lately…

    Tell us all the dirty details!

    • I hve been MIA and I would like to say it has something to do with all this sex im jabbing but its really just cuz i’ve been busy and feeling apathetic about things and therefore not really motivated to post. Im hoping to be inspired to write something soon…

  12. Lisa said

    Ashleee- I’ll put my brain on it. In the meantime, I’ve been posting on this girl’s blog and everyone hates me there. They all think I’m a guy! Haha, I love it. Here’s the link (I’m anonymous).

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