Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Apathy is the new black

Posted by ashleeekaren on May 5, 2011

…at least for me it is.

I have been silent for awhile… and no, it’s not because I have been having all sorts of amazing sex…it’s because I’ve been apathetic.

Where did this all start??

I found out Martin has a new girlfriend… stupid Facebook.  I hate Facebook…  I didn’t even go on there and my friend had to shove it in my face early one morning…  And even though I had let Martin go, couldn’t bear to keep him around as a beta orbiter for my own selfish needs, I never in a MILLION years expected to react the way I did…

Which was to start crying and then go day drinking and end up a puddled, blabbering mess by 4pm.

I think that triggered it…

And then a couple weeks later, every freaking loser I’ve dated and then subsequently ignored called me.  Monday – Loser #1, Tuesday Loser #2, Weds – ran into Loser #3.   Then on Thurs went out on a date with Old Dorky Guy #1 who, from his pics, looked about 20 years younger than he actually did in person. (eharmony date – needless to say, I cancelled my subscription shortly after).  Did I mention that Loser #1 had actually called and texted me a couple weeks before that Monday, and I ignored him then too?? OH, and did I mention that the Evil T also texted that same weekend.

All of this put me in an emotional tizzy. I’m sensitive.  TOO sensitive, and I think it was time that something…snapped.  I’m sick of allowing these men to affect me the way they do.

And as Rivelino advised me awhile back – don’t just write about dating – write about what you want.

And here’s what I want –

I don’t want to feel anything.

I am not very good at dating.  I don’t think I ever have been.  I am good at getting dates, but not actually dating. I lose my head. I fall in love, I get my feelings hurt, and my heart broken.  No more.

What have any of these relationships ever done for me?  Nothing.  NOTHING!  Well, maybe I’ve learned a lesson or two, the most important being: DON’T DATE ANYMORE!

And I’m not here to blame it on men.  Although some of them are jerks, but just as many of them are nice.  It’s really all my fault.  All of it.  All the bad decisions, the bruised pride, the shattered heart… all of it is my fault.  And I don’t seem to be changing my tune, because I still go after the bad boys and they still go after me.   Ok, ok, admittedly, the 2 nice guys I’ve gone out with in the past 3 years since I’ve been single weren’t exactly matches for me – one wore his button up shirt unbuttoned too low showing his gaudy gold chain, which only emphasized the tragedy of his pointy alligator shoes… and the other…well… the other nice guy had a small penis and talked too much.  Again, not a match.

So I’ve turned off the emotions.  Stopped responding to male attention – for example was hit on yesterday at the grocery store, guy chatted me up in the frozen section and nearly stalked me around the store until checkout.  Then told me how sexy I was in the parking lot.  He was totally my type.  He gave me his number.  I’ve already thrown it away.  Ron has been texting me a lot lately too and haven’t responded to any of his texts…

And yes, I know this means I’m wasting what little beauty my quickly waning youth has afforded me.  But this just beats the alternative – up and down, left and right, feeling happy, then sad, then stupid and resentful.  Enough already.


21 Responses to “Apathy is the new black”

  1. “I’m sick of allowing these men to affect me the way they do.”

    You are on the right track. You have correctly identified yourself as the source of your suffering, though it is not your sensitivity, per se, that causes your turmoil, but rather your reactivity to what you sense.

    You are not alone. Mental reactivity is the cause of all unhappiness. You don’t have to get rid of your emotions, you just need to become less reactive to them.

    It is impossible to be happy with a mind that blows around like a leaf in the wind. Practice meditation for a stable, unreactive mind. There is a reason why Buddhist monastics are some of the happiest people on earth.

  2. Phoenix said

    Dang, girl. Geez, you’re feeling like shit. I’ll get back to this later.

  3. ASF said

    You need a little vacation/change of scene.

    • Well I could always use a vacation but with work, it doesn’t get to happen very often.

      New perspective perhaps…but I quite like this wall im building…

      • ASF said

        Well I hear you on the work, I haven’t really had one in a while. Hell I’m replying to a client at fucking midnight, which I shouldn’t do.

        Maybe you should try the Costanza strategy. If everything you’ve done so far has gotten you loser guys, then the opposite would have to get you good guys.

        I find it amazing that an attractive girl (from my vague recollection of your photo) is having so much trouble. But maybe lots of attractive girls do, which is something interesting to think about and capitalize on. FOR ME! 😀

      • I have thought about a Costanza type but I am just so sick of having to deal with dating…

        And thank you for the compliment…I don’t have a problem meeting guys – I have a problem meeting the right guys…. but hey, maybe Im not as attractive as I thought…! That’s certainly possible and a good explanation for why I can’t meet a good guy.

        And at the end of the day…I don’t trust myself when it comes to dating.

  4. Racer X said

    Don’t despair Ashleee, even though you’ve had bad luck in the dating department, I still love you!

  5. Lily said

    How are you? Are you going out enough?
    Saw this book outline and thought of you
    And have you been on a vacation yet?
    Lily x

    • Lily said

      Oh and a funny article. Just pretend it says 30 🙂–bag-husband-40.html

    • Hi Lily – I’m fine. I think I’ve decided that I’m not the marrying kind. And apparently so have you judging from the book title you just suggested….

      I go out and do things, movies, shows, birthday parties, etc, etc…but I’m just fed up. And I am painfully reminded of a previous comment you made – that i come across as a “good time girl”… I dont go out to meet guys – i go out to have fun with my friends and experience new things.

      Look, getting married…It’s not gonna happen for me – and instead of hoping for something that will be nearly impossible to attain and constantly being disappointed, I’ve decided its time to just accept my position in life and be satisfied with it.

      The one man who wants to marry me, broke my heart and I can’t get over it – every other guy I meet sees my big boobs and immediately assumes I want to have sex with them. I can’t win so…. I just dont want to care anymore.

  6. Phoenix said

    Hi! Where you been? You haven’t blogged in almost 3 months. You ok? I’d like to hear how you’ve been doing.

  7. ashlee we are talking about you.

    • Hi,

      Nice to know I haven’t been forgotten. So funny, because I was actually planning on blogging today about what’s been going on with my dating life – I’ve received a few emails here and there wondering where I’ve been so I thought I would give an update.

      Stay tuned 🙂

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