Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Archive for the ‘Crushes during Celibacy’ Category

And it counts!!!

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 20, 2010


Yep!  More than just the tip this time.

GT and I hung out this weekend. He invited me up to a party in a fancy schmancy area. I reluctantly said yes and was getting ready to drive up to meet him. He called me up and said he would come see me instead so I wouldn’t have to drive in the rain…

A few of my friends were over and he was polite and personable. We were going to head out to a bar but it was raining so hard we decided to stay in.  My friends left and it was just the 2 of us.

We stayed up until 4 in the morning talking. A few kisses here and there but for the most part we behaved.   He opened up quite a bit and I felt like we were really starting to get to know each other… He did try to impress me by name dropping quite a bit and showing off by calling a famous musician on the phone (who picked up) while we were watching his music video…  I don’t know if I was reacting the way he expected me too, but I could tell he was trying very hard. Here are some interesting tidbits from our conversation:

He made a point of talking to me about other chicks that he had dated in the past.  It got to the point where I was like, “Why are you telling me this?”  And then he was like, “Well I just want you to know I’m not like that anymore…I don’t want to just bang a bunch of chicks….What kind of dudes hit on you?  I bet you get hit on all the time”  Uhhh, no, not playing that game…. I didn’t answer and artfully changed the subject.  The way I interpreted it was that he was trying to show his value.  It came off as insecure though…

He told me he’s been breaking a lot of his own rules to hang out with me.  Like staying home on a Friday night, crashing an estrogen party (since a couple of my friends were over), driving with a broken tail light…

And here’s the BEST part…

While lying in bed (no sex yet):

GT: Wouldn’t that be funny if I got you pregnant?

AK: Uhhh, depends what your definition of funny is… (nervous laughing)

GT: No really, I bet your parents would freak out if you brought me home…

AK: (laughing…and glad the lights were out cuz I’m sure my face had this “WTF” look on it)

Silence

GT: What do you think our kids would look like?

AK: I don’t know if the world needs anymore Ashleees runinng around…

GT: I bet they would have your skin and my eyes…

AK: (Nervous laugher)  Maybe…

GT: Do you want kids?

AK: I think so, yes… not anytime soon, but I think I probably do…

GT: Well I’m glad I have my daughter already, cuz she’s amazing, but I probably would have kids again with the right person and the right situation.

We fell asleep talking and in the morning he woke me up and we had some sloppy morning sex.  It was good 🙂  Then we went back to sleep. He left later in the morning.

Thoughts?  Questions? So what now?

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Posted in Crushes during Celibacy, Grand Theft (GT), Hm. Inneresting... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 28 Comments »

Does the tip count?

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 4, 2010


Soooo….. Hung out with GT last night….

I’d go into details but it would just make me more smitten than I already am…I’m also exhausted so I will fill you all in later…

Does the tip count?? Is it time for me to end my project???

Posted in Crushes during Celibacy, Grand Theft (GT), Guys are awesome, Near slip ups! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments »

The Logistics of a Grand Theft Lunch

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 28, 2010


So I had my lunch date with Grand Theft on Weds and didn’t immediately post as the Thanksgiving holiday and eating large amounts of turkey took up most of my weekend.

I’m glad I didn’t post immediately, although sometimes the thoughts that are coming right out of your head are the best ones to write down.  I wanted to let the date simmer a bit, and think about all of the things I’ve been learning in this blogosphere and in the past year.

Some have commented that he is a PUA, but a “natural”.  That’s a definite possibility given his career and background.  (He’s a musician who has toured the world, worked with big names, and is talented in his own right.  I won’t tell you what kind of music he plays, nor who the big names are, nor what movies or projects he’s worked on.  But with all that under his belt, I’m SURE he has been getting all sorts of tail without having to try very hard.)  I try to keep an open mind when I read blogs and when people comment on my blog.  On top of that, I’m highly analytical but would be lying if I said my emotions (or rationalization hamster) can sometimes talk my way into and out of, nearly anything.

The Logistics:

  • It was a weekday.  Middle of the day, lunch, and he chose a neutral spot – an upscale neighborhood.  I don’t live close and neither does he.
  • Leading up to the date there have been no overtly sexual texting.  A little flirting, but most of it G rated.  He has a nickname for me, but it’s not R rated.
  • The restaurant he took me to was owned by a friend of his.  His friend was there and he introduced me.  They served beer and wine.  He didn’t ask if I wanted either. We both drank water.
  • The conversation never turned to sex or people we used to date or have sex with, etc, etc.
  • He paid and would not let me even go in for myself.

So there are the bullet points.  Here’s a little more detail:

I showed up about 20 minutes late. It was nightmare with all the traffic and parking, but he was totally cordial and nice about it. I was profusely apologetic but he wouldn’t even let me worry about it.  I was dressed cute – sexy with a sophisticated edge, so not slutty -black tights, grey suede cuffed boots, loose black top, no cleavage, and a black sweater.  Makeup was light – just mascara, lip gloss and a little blush.  He wore dark jeans, black t-shirt, newsboy cap and red converse.  I love red converse.

The conversation flowed for the most part.  I gotta admit, I was nervous as hell.  I don’t know what was wrong with me. I am usually pretty affable, conversational and easy to get along with. I am inquisitive but not intrusive, and I try to smile and laugh at all of your jokes.    But I was NERVOUS.  He set me at ease, asked me a lot of questions about myself and I returned the gesture.  If he was nervous, I couldn’t tell.

As I sat talking to him, I suddenly noticed he had blue eyes.  I mean, somewhere in my consciousness I think I knew he had blue eyes…but for some reason, as he talked, they struck me.  Hmm… I was becoming more and more attracted to him, even though the conversation was not overtly sexual…  I was trying to get to know him as a person, and not “Grand Theft-the musician”.

The bill came and I went to my purse. If a guy is the one asking me out, I prefer if he pays, but I always offer to at least pay for myself.  It’s only polite, and I don’t want the guy to think I’m out for a free lunch.  He wouldn’t let me pay so I said, “Ok, next one is on me.”  I smiled warmly at him and then said, “You like McDonalds?”  He laughed and said, “Yeah can I get the McChicken Grilled Sandwich?”  I didn’t miss a beat and replied, “Well…let’s not get crazy – only if it’s on the Extra Value Menu.”  We both laughed.

There was a slight lull in the conversation.  Then:

AK: You know, you have a lot of balls asking me out.

GT: (Smiling cautiously) Oh yeah? Why is that?

AK: Well, just the situation…  You being you, and me being me.  (That’s a paraphrase to protect private details -sorry)

GT: Ok…

AK: (Realizing how arrogant that came across)  No, no, I mean that in a good way.  Just put it this way – there have been a lot of guys who X (more editing) and I always say no.  You’re the first one I’ve said yes to.

(I’m watching him as he finally breaks out into a smile, turns his head to the side,  looks pleased with himself, then turns back to me)

GT: Well…I gotta keep it gangster.

I was also watching for PUA signs.  No negs, no kino – he didn’t even put his hand on the small of my back as he led me through the door (one move I’m a SUCKER for).  Although, I do have to disclose there was plenty of that at the party a couple weeks ago.  He walked me to my car like a perfect gentleman.  Didn’t try to hold my hand or put his arm around my shoulder (although that would’ve been hard as I was wearing boots with 3 inch heels, making me almost 6 ft).  NOTHING.

He gave me a kiss on the lips and a hug and said the dreaded, “We should do this again soon.” I stopped and looked at him and said, “Yeah?”  He said, “Yes absolutely.”  But he didn’t lock it down.

I texted him the next day to thank him again for lunch and let him know I had a nice time.  He texted back a cute reply and I haven’t texted him since. It’s been 3 days and I don’t know why I just don’t text him.  Maybe I’m not sure if he likes me and I want to see how he responds.  Maybe he’s not interested…

Or… maybe I’m just an idiot and I don’t know how to deal with a guy who is actually nice.  In the past 2 years I’ve been single and going out on dates, this is probably the nicest date I’ve been on.  Not because he took me to an upscale restaurant.  Not because he’s a musician, and not because he paid.  But because for the first time in the past 2 years, I feel like someone is genuinely interested in me as a person.  That was an adult date.  No one was trying to get in anyone’s head (at least I don’t think so), or in anyone’s pants.  He didn’t look at me with what I call “pervert eyes”, but actual sincere interest.

And even though he didn’t look at me with pervert eyes, I was imagining having sex with him. If I can imagine having sex with a guy, then I know I like him.  I hope I didn’t look at HIM with pervert eyes…  Anyway, I imagined us having sex in my bedroom – I imagine him to be a slow kisser at first, attentive, sweet, but after awhile, rough and sloppy in the sexiest way possible…  I imagined waking up in the morning to him sliding his hands across my back and stomach, and pulling me in closer to him…

I almost hope GT doesn’t text…I can already see I’ll be in trouble…

Thoughts on his logistics?  Do we have an Alpha? A Beta? Or is it too soon to tell…?  Should I text him back?  And should he be a candidate for aiding me in ending my project…?

Posted in Crushes during Celibacy, Grand Theft (GT), Guys are awesome | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments »

A weekend review and Monday musing: Does celibate = boring and bored…?

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 22, 2010


Weekend Review

After last weeks hectic work week I was excited for the weekend.  Ready to have a drink (or two, or three) and relax with friends.  Friday night brought the new Harry Potter film and yes, I am a nerd so I was super excited to watch it.  So Friday was a generally wholesome night.

Grand Theft texted me Friday night to say hello and say we should hang soon.  I was worried…was he trying to booty call me?  So I told him I would like that and left it at that.  Wanted to see what his reaction would be.  He called.  The first few minutes we exchanged pleasantries, hi, how are you, blah blah blah.  Then…:

GT: So I’d really like to take you out, maybe get some lunch.  What’s your schedule like next week?

AK: Weds is good for me.

GT: Great, then lets do Weds for lunch….And by the way, you know, don’t be afraid to call me…

AK: Afraid?  I’m not afraid… (puzzled tone)

GT:  I just mean that you’re a grown woman, independent, on point…you shouldn’t be afraid to do what you want and if you want to call or text me, you should.  I’m interested in you and if you’re interested in me, then you shouldn’t be afraid to show it.  I’m not going to baby you…

AK: (nervous laugh – I sometimes laugh when I’m nervous in social situations) Baby me?

GT: I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ll baby you in other ways, but not like that.

AK: (I was dying to have him elaborate on what these “other ways” were but I didn’t want the conversation to turn towards sex) Ok, got it.

GT: Good, good.  I hope I hear from you then.

AK: You will (a challenge, huh?) Good night.

Hmmmm…inneresting.  I thought the direct approach was refreshing…but because I’ve been reading too many damn blogs, I started over analyze everything he said…is he trying to set the tone? .Or is he just insecure and needs someone to stroke his ego…? Or maybe because he is who he is, he’s used to girls throwing themselves at him and blowing up his phone, and so far I’ve refused to do that…  Even as I type this, I’m continuing the dissection, but I should stop.  So I’ll just tell you about Saturday night, which segue ways into the 2nd part of this post:

Monday musing: Does Celibate = boring and bored…?

Boring – shopping for rugs for my friend. Don’t get me wrong, I love shopping and even though it took 4 people, to shove a rug, an accent table and two gigantic plastic storage boxes into my prius, I wouldn’t say it was the most exciting thing to happen this weekend.

Bored – after meeting up with a friend at this awful dive bar and leaving, NO ONE WANTED TO HANG OUT WITH US.

NO ONE.

We called up a friend to see if he wanted to grab a drink.  He brushed us off.

Two of our crew were with their boyfriends.  Inaccessible.

I had texted Grand Theft earlier in the day to see if he wanted to meet up for a drink. He told me not to be afraid, right?  That he wasn’t going to baby me like that, right?  He was hanging with a buddy but said he would see where they would be at and let me know.

Didn’t hear from him after that.  Nope.  And I wasn’t going to double text him.  I suppose the positive thing is that he didn’t booty call me.  Of course, that’s only positive if he wasn’t booty calling some other chick…

I am ashamed to admit I went to bed on Saturday feeling a little sorry for myself, and woke up on Sunday feeling the same way.  No one cares no one cares no one cares…  Hahahahaha…

I spent most of yesterday pondering why I felt so boring and bored.  Did it have to do with this celibacy project?  I don’t consider myself a boring person most of the time.  And I understand that if there isn’t any drama then that can be a good thing.  Not saying at all that I want to end the project.  At this point, I’m emotionally invested in seeing this project through so IF I were to end it early, it wouldn’t be just because I’m bored.  It would have to be for somebody special and deserving of my time and attention…

In the meantime I will work on being something other than bored and horny…

Posted in Crushes during Celibacy, Grand Theft (GT), Hm. Inneresting..., Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 61 Comments »

“I’m not a petty thief…”

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 16, 2010


“…I commit grand theft…”

Probably the BEST/WORST line that has been ever been used on me. EVER.  “But I don’t get it, AK, what kind of line is that?” is what you’re probably thinking.  So… it happened this weekend as follows:

Went to a party at my friends house – he knows some people, who know some people, and many of these people showed up, including the deliverer of the above line, who we’ll call “Grand Theft Guy”.  I had met him once before briefly and remember thinking what a nice guy he was.  He’s a somewhat well known musician who has been a bit behind the scenes for the past few years.

Anyways, he comes up to me and says hello.  We catch up briefly, talk a little business and it seems like things are going well for him.  I tell him I’m happy to hear that.  We chat a bit longer and each continue to mingle separately throughout the party.

He comes up to me again later and starts chatting me up.  He’s telling jokes, cracking me up, and all of a sudden…I’m looking at him a little bit differently than before.  Trying to remember some of the PUA stuff I’ve been learning about, I suddenly become a little on guard and start to eye him suspiciously.

But I can’t. It’s so hard. He seems so genuine and nice and funny, and he’s got a great personality.  On top of that, although he’s not the usual type that I would date physically, I find myself becoming physically attracted to him.  The host of the party always talks about how Grand Theft is such a nice guy…I like Grand Theft’s style too… (I’m big on style – I know, it’s so shallow…)

By the end of the night, he’s got me blushing – he pulls his chair up close to mine, and slowly and smoothly, puts his hand on my leg.  My hand is resting on my leg, and so he reaches for my hand and starts to hold it.  All of this while we are talking to other people in a big group.  Just right smack dab in front of them.

Wow.  This guy has got some balls.

It’s not just the physical touching that I find ballsy…and I wish I could divulge some more detail about this person so you could understand exactly how ballsy it is for him to be hitting on me like that.  But just in case some of you sly readers are curious enough to try and figure it out, I unfortunately won’t reveal more.  Just let me tell you…it was BALLSY.

And I was immediately attracted to it. I got the tingles.  I got the tingles when I SHOULDN’T be getting the tingles…

He says some more cute stuff to get me to agree to a date.  I joke with him a little but let him know that the answer is yes.  While I’m sitting next to him at the party, he texts:

GT: Can’t wait to see you again, lil’ miss super amazing with ridiculous flavor and style. Hope we can finally get to know each other.  You really do turn me on, not only physically, but also mentally.

I look up at him and smile. I am so nervous I don’t know what to say. Me.  AK with the big ass loud mouth.  Public speaker AK.  Nervous and giddy.

Anyway, I had to give my friend a ride home, and Grand Theft offered to walk me out to my car – he had a phone case in his car that he wanted to give me because I had remarked earlier in the night how I liked someone else’s.  I walked over to his car with him and he handed me the case.  He asked for a hug, and I gave it to him.  As he had his arm around me, he quickly asked for a kiss, pulled me in, and planted one right on my toothy grin before I could respond, “Yes!”  It was adorable.  So then he says,

GT: Just had to steal that.  I’m a thief.  But I ain’t a petty thief. I only steal things of high value.  I just committed grand theft.

AK: (Blushing and all smiley) Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee

Like a little girl…

I drove my friend home, remarking how I had such a good time at the party and how glad I was that I decided to go.  My friend just chuckles at me, and says, “Yeah, I BET you’re glad.”

I texted Grand Theft back later that night and said

AK: You are so sweet – definitely putting a smile on my face reading this text. It was nice hanging out with you tonight 🙂

Buuuuut.  Haven’t heard back.

I keep trying to figure out why I’m so giddy…has this celibate thing made me so starved for attention that I’m reduced to a nervous little girl, and not the strong confident woman who is used to lines like this…?  He’ll probably never call, but that’s ok.  It’s just interesting to be hit on during this celibacy thing…

Thoughts?  Questions? Comments?

Posted in Crushes during Celibacy, Grand Theft (GT), Guys are awesome | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 27 Comments »

Do I have a thing for Irish guys??

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 7, 2010


Hmmm, I’m beginning to wonder… S, T, and P are all Irish. What’s the deal with that??

Hung out with P again last night. A friend of mine just finished a triathlon and had a party to celebrate. She wanted to invite P cuz she knows I have the worlds biggest crush on him. So she invites P who says he’s going to stop by after a birthday party. Apparently, he’s bringing a lady friend with him…my friends start reassuring me, no they aren’t dating, she’s a friend of his from high school – she’s just in town to hang out… I’m a little skeptical, especially cuz I don’t want to be disappointed since this crush has been building in intensity over the past month.

He shows up with her, and my friends do their due diligence – they watch them like a hawk. I play it cool, let him come up to me and say hello. My friends husband comes up to me an apologizes for cock blocking me the other night at his house “I was so wasted I didn’t pick up on your vibe that you wanted to hang out with him until after he walked you out to the cab.”. I told him what happened after he walked me out and he was like, “he probably was worried his breath stank” and I responded “does your breath have to smell good to ask for my number?” He said, “I dunno. Maybe he’s just dense. I have a feeling that if he knew you had a crush on him, he would be all over it…maybe I should drop some hints.”

Anyway, P and his lady friend are not giving the “we are hooking up vibe” according to my friends. P and his lady friend get up to leave and he comes to say good bye.

P: We’re heading over to [bar in our area]. You guys should come.
AK: Where’s that at?
P: Not far. You should come by.
LF (Lady friend): yeah for sure you guys should.
G (my drunk friend/wing woman): oh yeah!! Let’s keep the party going!!!
AK: ok maybe we’ll see you there.

We show up to the bar and he’s there with her. They aren’t sitting close or anything like that. We chat, “Glad you guys could make it” he says. G plays a good wing woman and makes it seem like this entire outing is her idea. She’s amazing. But I think perhaps, P thinks SHE’S in love with him. We tell them we’re gonna find a table and they should join us.

15-20 minutes they come sit with us. We make small talk, turns out we know some of the same people. My mind is working trying to figure out THEIR vibe, and trying to figure if there’s a vibe between P and me…

Last call, we leave the bar and he hugs us goodbye.

I think that 2 weekends in a row making an effort to hang with P…that’s enough effort on my part. There’s a difference between pursuing someone and letting someone know you’re interested. And I think there is a very fine line between the two. I think I’m walking that line. I’m done walking that line. It’s his turn to let ME know he’s interested….

Sigh…so the crush continues.

Posted in Crushes during Celibacy | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

A nice guy/beta??

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 30, 2010


So I’ve had this crush on this guy P. P is friends with my good friend Beth. I’ve known him for about 2 years. He’s usually had a girlfriend. One night about a year ago I hit on him shamelessly whilst drunk out of my mind. I was embarrassed the next time I saw him but he was so nice about it and it just made me like him more.

I saw him at B’s wedding a few weeks ago, and SURPRISE, I was wasted again but I made it a point not to hit on him. We did, however, have a wonderful conversation about zombies and Greek mythology. It was delightful. We said goodbye and he commented that it was always nice to see me.

Saw him again last night and we ended up hanging out the whole time. He came out to smoke cigarettes with me and paid a whole lot of attention to me. Beth was super excited because she wants us to hook up but I still couldn’t tell if he was into me or not. Everyone else seemed to think he was too…

We went back to Beth’s house and had more drinks. Still no touching or hand holding or anything even though I was ripe to be taken advantage of. I call a cab to head home and he walks me out. He give me a hug. I pull back from the hug and pause. He looks at me and says “What?” I smile, shake my drunken head and say nothing. I get into the cab.

WTF?!? Ask for my number, FOOL!

Part of me wants to play it more assertive and just facebook him and say, “we should hang out”. I kinda want to avoid any awkwardness as I’m sure to run into him… Did I read it wrong? Did all my other friends read it wrong too?

What should I do?

Posted in Crushes during Celibacy, Hm. Inneresting... | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

 
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