Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Archive for the ‘Guys are awesome’ Category

Ashleee has a boyfriend…?!?

Posted by ashleeekaren on September 28, 2011


I’ve got to say that I’ve missed blogging.  The last post I wrote was quite awhile ago and I admit that I haven’t had much to say until lately, mostly because I’ve been very, very happy.

I have a boyfriend.  I found him after I had given up and decided I wasn’t ever going to meet anyone and get married.   He’s not a jerk, not an alcoholic, not a game player, and not afraid of commitment.  He is open and honest about how he feels, tells me about 20 times a day that he loves me and thinks I’m beautiful.  I fall asleep every night cuddled up in my favorite place of all places: the nook, that special spot right between his shoulder and chest…  I wake up in the morning to him nuzzling my neck and wrapping his warm arms around me.  I feel like a teenager again, and I am head over heels in love with this guy.   He is thoughtful, funny, kind, affectionate, smart, handsome, sexy, and uh….ahem, well endowed…

No, I’m not making this up.  It’s true. I found a unicorn!  And the very best part of all of this is that I am not afraid to receive everything he is willing to give me.  We recognize we’ve found something very special with each other and we’re not going to let it pass us by.

Now in response to a recent comment I discovered about me on another blog, I wanted to say this:  You might have been right.  There might have been a chip missing in me.  Maybe it was because of any number of jerks I had dated.  Maybe it was because I was abused by my alcoholic ex, or abandoned by the first real love of my life, or maybe it was me.  Maybe it just isn’t easy to find someone you’re compatible with.  What the hell do I know…?

I think the chip that was missing for me was the belief that I would ever be able to actually open up to someone and let them into my life…so maybe dating these jerks was just a self-fulfilling prophecy…who knows?   I’m hoping things work out with this new guy – we find out more about each other every day and continue to fall deeper and deeper in love.  But if it doesn’t, then I least I know that after all the heartbreak I’ve suffered, that I am still capable of love.

Posted in Guys are awesome, Hm. Inneresting..., Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Winning the Lottery

Posted by ashleeekaren on March 8, 2011


A close friend of mine who probably knows me better than anyone said to me the other day:

“You are someone who puts yourself out there – it’s your worst and best quality.”

I think what she meant by that (as it was said in the context of discussing what occurred with Big Guy) was that despite all of the terrible dates and bad guys I’ve dated, I keep putting myself out there to get hurt again…

Now keep in mind, none of the guys I’ve hung out with or dated in the past 2 and half years since I’ve been single have gotten anywhere close to my heart to the point where they could really hurt me. .. Sure, some of them might have annoyed me, or maybe I got a little sad about them… but actually getting to me??  Nah, never happened once.  Not like how T  did, or Martin…

One of my biggest fears is being so wrecked by my relationships with T and Martin that I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable with another guy again…so everytime I feel myself retreating back into my victim cave, I snap myself out of it.  I’ve gotta put myself out there.  I need to keep my heart open.

I still believe in love.

And yesterday I was thinking:  finding a man who will love you and you can love back, is like winning the lottery.  If I never buy a ticket, then I’ll never have a chance to win.  Sure, those odds may be small, but they are odds nonetheless.

I like playing the odds.  So I gotta keep buying those tickets…

Posted in Guys are awesome, Hm. Inneresting..., Just be happy, Why I'm doing this | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments »

Protected: 1 day, 2 dates

Posted by ashleeekaren on February 27, 2011


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I guess the tip counts – the end of the AK Celibacy Project 2010 (in detail!)

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 6, 2010


Ok, so it’s over!  According to the comments on the last post, and other feedback I’ve been receiving, the tip counts, and the Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-2011, is officially over.

Disappointed?  Sad?  Surprised?  Expectant? No one cares no one cares no one cares?  Haha, well…

Since the project officially ended on Friday night I’ve had some time to reflect.  I’m a little disappointed myself, but all in all, I think I’m ok. I’ve learned some things about myself and really that was the whole point, right?

But before I get into all that, as promised, for Racer X, here is the Last Temptation of AK, in more detail:

Friday afternoon I get a call from GT.  We chat for a few minutes and he asks me what I’m doing that night. I tell him I’ve planned a night in watching a Zombie film and that I’m planning to lay low.  He tells me he’s taking his friend Betty (who I’ve met) out to dinner for a belated birthday present but he’s not sure what he’s doing afterwards.  I can tell he’s waiting for me to say something like, oh we should hang out, but I say nothing.  Then he says, well if I’m up by your neck of the woods, I’ll call you.  Ok, have fun tonight, I tell him, fully not expecting to hear from him at all.

A couple hours later I get a text from him – he is staying on a yacht tonight and invites me down for some drinks.  Hm.  I wait about 10 or 15 minutes before I text back, pondering whether I should go and exactly how much trouble I’m willing to get into tonight.  I throw caution to the wind and text him back yes.

Then, in true AK fashion I begin to worry.   I’d be driving very far to get where he is…if we have drinks and I get too drunk, I can’t exactly cab it home…is he expecting sex?  Am I a cheap whore if I drive down there to hang out tonight…?  And more importantly…what am I going to wear??

I decide the best thing to do is give myself options – I don’t want to be stuck staying with him on the yacht with the expectation of sex so I find a nice hotel room right by the harbor and book it.

I get there and he gives me a big hug and kiss.   It turns out Betty is there too.  It’s the three of us…

Have I been roped into a threesome?!

I panic slightly for a second but don’t let it show.  It’s actually nice to see Betty – she’s really sweet and I’m trying to set her up with one of my friends.  Although I still don’t know what the angle is with her being there,. I just play it cool and decide to enjoy myself and see what happens…

He makes us some drinks and we all start chatting.  At first I’m a little nervous around GT and it turns out he’s a little nervous around me.  Having another female there sets me at ease and I’m able to talk with her and observe him observing me, and yeah, he’s nervous!  He won’t sit next to me.  He keeps standing up.  Then when he sits down next to me, he’ll put his arm around me, but he won’t sit for very long.  Then he’ll get up again and fiddle with the music.

At this point I’ve already let him know that I’m staying at hotel.  He’s surprised and asks why I’m not staying on the boat with him and Betty and I just smile and shrug my shoulders.  He says, that’s ok, I’ll be following you back to the hotel…I tell him, ok that’s fine, if you want to sleep on the balcony.  He smiles back.  He goes outside to mess with some control on the boat and it’s just me and Betty.

At this point Betty and I have established a comraderie.

AK: Is it just me, or does he seem nervous?

B:  He’s nervous.  You intimidate him.

AK: I do?  How so? (This girl is AWESOME giving me the inside scoop)

B: He can’t impress you like he tries to impress other girls.  He’s not sure what to do.

I find this interesting since our lunch date he seemed so calm and cool.

AK: Ohhh.  Am I doing something to make him nervous?

B:  No, no, you’re fine!  You’re being cool.  He just doesn’t know what to do around you.  You’re different (I hear all the alphas, quietly chuckling).

I’m about 3 or 4 drinks deep and definitely tipsy. I start the prowl.   As he’s giving me a tour of the boat, I grab his hand, pull him in and kiss him.  He’s a little surprised, but as I turn around and head up the stairs, he says, “You’re a baaad girl huh?” and smacks my ass.  I jump a bit, giggle and head up the stairs smiling….

GT wants to come back to the hotel with me and leave Betty on the yacht.  I tell him no, he can’t do that, he needs to stay with her on the boat.  She insists he goes with me. (Whew, they weren’t trying to rope me in for a threesome!).  I’m finally convinced (drink 5 or 6?).

We get back to the hotel.  It’s very nice view with an ocean view (I’m a baller – I don’t mess around).  He’s impressed.  I put some music on.  We climb into bed…

We start cuddling.  I have my face nuzzled in his neck.  I’m wearing nothing but a t-shirt and my underwear.  He has his arm around me.  I start kissing him on the neck and the cheek.  He doesn’t move his face at all.  Hmm, Drunk AK is starting to think maybe GT isn’t attracted to her…Drunk AK thinks why isn’t he attacking me??  Drunk AK wants to know why he isn’t kissing back??

Drunk AK: Kiss me.  What’s wrong?

GT:  Nothing is wrong.

He kisses me finally on the lips.  No tongue.  WTF, Drunk AK thinks…I need some tongue action here…

GT:  We have plenty of time to have sex. There’s no rush.

Wait, wait, plenty of time? Tonight?  Or…what does he mean?  Shit.  I’m freaking drunk.

Drunk AK: Who said anything about sex?  I just want you to kiss me.

At this point I’m cooing in his ear and pressing my body tight against his.  He remains frozen.

GT:  I really really need you to be a good girl.  You don’t understand…

Drunk AK: I don’t?  My hands are rubbing his arm and chest as I softly kiss his cheek.

GT: Trust me.  Let’s just lay here.

Drunk AK isn’t really listening and I grab his face and give him the most seductive kiss I can muster in my drunken state.  Then, as if a switch is flipped, he’s kissing me back.  His hands are everywhere, on my nipples, in my hair, grabbing my face, rubbing me over my underwear.  We are tearing at each other.

He flips me onto my side and his hands are all over my ass, my breasts, my stomach.  He is grinding into me and I’m grinding back.  He’s hard.  Very hard.  And I can tell he’s big.  (Thank God).  He slides a hand underneath my underwear and says, “Oh god, you’re so wet.”

I guess that’s what 4 months of sexual frustration will do.

Next thing you know, he’s on top of me and he starts to slide it in.  Keep in mind, it’s been 4 months and I’m a little tight – haven’t been using the Rabbit since it broke and I didn’t really use the dildo part of it anyway.  I gasp and he says, “Oh my god, you’re so tight…”

The tip is in.  We’re staring straight into each others eyes and even though I want this guy to completely tear me a part all night long.  I stop him.  I can tell he doesn’t want to stop and that it takes a lot for him to disengage and move from between my legs.  We are both breathing heavily as he lays down next to me.  See? He says.  That’s why I didn’t want to kiss you back…

He spent the night and left around 10 am with a kiss goodbye.   He texted me later in the day and then called yesterday.  He’s been attentive and sweet so far.

Things for me to keep in mind:

1.  Just because I’m interested in someone doesn’t mean I can’t still work on the relationship with myself.  Perhaps this is a good exercise in balance – can I date GT while maintaining the relationship with myself?  I think the answer is yes.

2.  Don’t get drunk the next time I’m trying not to have sex.

3.  Just because he put the tip in doesn’t mean we now have to start screwing like rabbits.

4.  Apparently 1 year of celibacy is unrealistic for AK.  But it’s all about the process – being able to blog about my thoughts and experiences and get feedback has been amazing.

Day 98/365 the AK Celibacy Project Ends.

Thoughts on the end of the project?  The tip?  Betty?  Should I continue to blog?

Posted in Guys are awesome, Near slip ups!, Sexytime | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 53 Comments »

Does the tip count?

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 4, 2010


Soooo….. Hung out with GT last night….

I’d go into details but it would just make me more smitten than I already am…I’m also exhausted so I will fill you all in later…

Does the tip count?? Is it time for me to end my project???

Posted in Crushes during Celibacy, Grand Theft (GT), Guys are awesome, Near slip ups! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments »

The Logistics of a Grand Theft Lunch

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 28, 2010


So I had my lunch date with Grand Theft on Weds and didn’t immediately post as the Thanksgiving holiday and eating large amounts of turkey took up most of my weekend.

I’m glad I didn’t post immediately, although sometimes the thoughts that are coming right out of your head are the best ones to write down.  I wanted to let the date simmer a bit, and think about all of the things I’ve been learning in this blogosphere and in the past year.

Some have commented that he is a PUA, but a “natural”.  That’s a definite possibility given his career and background.  (He’s a musician who has toured the world, worked with big names, and is talented in his own right.  I won’t tell you what kind of music he plays, nor who the big names are, nor what movies or projects he’s worked on.  But with all that under his belt, I’m SURE he has been getting all sorts of tail without having to try very hard.)  I try to keep an open mind when I read blogs and when people comment on my blog.  On top of that, I’m highly analytical but would be lying if I said my emotions (or rationalization hamster) can sometimes talk my way into and out of, nearly anything.

The Logistics:

  • It was a weekday.  Middle of the day, lunch, and he chose a neutral spot – an upscale neighborhood.  I don’t live close and neither does he.
  • Leading up to the date there have been no overtly sexual texting.  A little flirting, but most of it G rated.  He has a nickname for me, but it’s not R rated.
  • The restaurant he took me to was owned by a friend of his.  His friend was there and he introduced me.  They served beer and wine.  He didn’t ask if I wanted either. We both drank water.
  • The conversation never turned to sex or people we used to date or have sex with, etc, etc.
  • He paid and would not let me even go in for myself.

So there are the bullet points.  Here’s a little more detail:

I showed up about 20 minutes late. It was nightmare with all the traffic and parking, but he was totally cordial and nice about it. I was profusely apologetic but he wouldn’t even let me worry about it.  I was dressed cute – sexy with a sophisticated edge, so not slutty -black tights, grey suede cuffed boots, loose black top, no cleavage, and a black sweater.  Makeup was light – just mascara, lip gloss and a little blush.  He wore dark jeans, black t-shirt, newsboy cap and red converse.  I love red converse.

The conversation flowed for the most part.  I gotta admit, I was nervous as hell.  I don’t know what was wrong with me. I am usually pretty affable, conversational and easy to get along with. I am inquisitive but not intrusive, and I try to smile and laugh at all of your jokes.    But I was NERVOUS.  He set me at ease, asked me a lot of questions about myself and I returned the gesture.  If he was nervous, I couldn’t tell.

As I sat talking to him, I suddenly noticed he had blue eyes.  I mean, somewhere in my consciousness I think I knew he had blue eyes…but for some reason, as he talked, they struck me.  Hmm… I was becoming more and more attracted to him, even though the conversation was not overtly sexual…  I was trying to get to know him as a person, and not “Grand Theft-the musician”.

The bill came and I went to my purse. If a guy is the one asking me out, I prefer if he pays, but I always offer to at least pay for myself.  It’s only polite, and I don’t want the guy to think I’m out for a free lunch.  He wouldn’t let me pay so I said, “Ok, next one is on me.”  I smiled warmly at him and then said, “You like McDonalds?”  He laughed and said, “Yeah can I get the McChicken Grilled Sandwich?”  I didn’t miss a beat and replied, “Well…let’s not get crazy – only if it’s on the Extra Value Menu.”  We both laughed.

There was a slight lull in the conversation.  Then:

AK: You know, you have a lot of balls asking me out.

GT: (Smiling cautiously) Oh yeah? Why is that?

AK: Well, just the situation…  You being you, and me being me.  (That’s a paraphrase to protect private details -sorry)

GT: Ok…

AK: (Realizing how arrogant that came across)  No, no, I mean that in a good way.  Just put it this way – there have been a lot of guys who X (more editing) and I always say no.  You’re the first one I’ve said yes to.

(I’m watching him as he finally breaks out into a smile, turns his head to the side,  looks pleased with himself, then turns back to me)

GT: Well…I gotta keep it gangster.

I was also watching for PUA signs.  No negs, no kino – he didn’t even put his hand on the small of my back as he led me through the door (one move I’m a SUCKER for).  Although, I do have to disclose there was plenty of that at the party a couple weeks ago.  He walked me to my car like a perfect gentleman.  Didn’t try to hold my hand or put his arm around my shoulder (although that would’ve been hard as I was wearing boots with 3 inch heels, making me almost 6 ft).  NOTHING.

He gave me a kiss on the lips and a hug and said the dreaded, “We should do this again soon.” I stopped and looked at him and said, “Yeah?”  He said, “Yes absolutely.”  But he didn’t lock it down.

I texted him the next day to thank him again for lunch and let him know I had a nice time.  He texted back a cute reply and I haven’t texted him since. It’s been 3 days and I don’t know why I just don’t text him.  Maybe I’m not sure if he likes me and I want to see how he responds.  Maybe he’s not interested…

Or… maybe I’m just an idiot and I don’t know how to deal with a guy who is actually nice.  In the past 2 years I’ve been single and going out on dates, this is probably the nicest date I’ve been on.  Not because he took me to an upscale restaurant.  Not because he’s a musician, and not because he paid.  But because for the first time in the past 2 years, I feel like someone is genuinely interested in me as a person.  That was an adult date.  No one was trying to get in anyone’s head (at least I don’t think so), or in anyone’s pants.  He didn’t look at me with what I call “pervert eyes”, but actual sincere interest.

And even though he didn’t look at me with pervert eyes, I was imagining having sex with him. If I can imagine having sex with a guy, then I know I like him.  I hope I didn’t look at HIM with pervert eyes…  Anyway, I imagined us having sex in my bedroom – I imagine him to be a slow kisser at first, attentive, sweet, but after awhile, rough and sloppy in the sexiest way possible…  I imagined waking up in the morning to him sliding his hands across my back and stomach, and pulling me in closer to him…

I almost hope GT doesn’t text…I can already see I’ll be in trouble…

Thoughts on his logistics?  Do we have an Alpha? A Beta? Or is it too soon to tell…?  Should I text him back?  And should he be a candidate for aiding me in ending my project…?

Posted in Crushes during Celibacy, Grand Theft (GT), Guys are awesome | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments »

“I’m not a petty thief…”

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 16, 2010


“…I commit grand theft…”

Probably the BEST/WORST line that has been ever been used on me. EVER.  “But I don’t get it, AK, what kind of line is that?” is what you’re probably thinking.  So… it happened this weekend as follows:

Went to a party at my friends house – he knows some people, who know some people, and many of these people showed up, including the deliverer of the above line, who we’ll call “Grand Theft Guy”.  I had met him once before briefly and remember thinking what a nice guy he was.  He’s a somewhat well known musician who has been a bit behind the scenes for the past few years.

Anyways, he comes up to me and says hello.  We catch up briefly, talk a little business and it seems like things are going well for him.  I tell him I’m happy to hear that.  We chat a bit longer and each continue to mingle separately throughout the party.

He comes up to me again later and starts chatting me up.  He’s telling jokes, cracking me up, and all of a sudden…I’m looking at him a little bit differently than before.  Trying to remember some of the PUA stuff I’ve been learning about, I suddenly become a little on guard and start to eye him suspiciously.

But I can’t. It’s so hard. He seems so genuine and nice and funny, and he’s got a great personality.  On top of that, although he’s not the usual type that I would date physically, I find myself becoming physically attracted to him.  The host of the party always talks about how Grand Theft is such a nice guy…I like Grand Theft’s style too… (I’m big on style – I know, it’s so shallow…)

By the end of the night, he’s got me blushing – he pulls his chair up close to mine, and slowly and smoothly, puts his hand on my leg.  My hand is resting on my leg, and so he reaches for my hand and starts to hold it.  All of this while we are talking to other people in a big group.  Just right smack dab in front of them.

Wow.  This guy has got some balls.

It’s not just the physical touching that I find ballsy…and I wish I could divulge some more detail about this person so you could understand exactly how ballsy it is for him to be hitting on me like that.  But just in case some of you sly readers are curious enough to try and figure it out, I unfortunately won’t reveal more.  Just let me tell you…it was BALLSY.

And I was immediately attracted to it. I got the tingles.  I got the tingles when I SHOULDN’T be getting the tingles…

He says some more cute stuff to get me to agree to a date.  I joke with him a little but let him know that the answer is yes.  While I’m sitting next to him at the party, he texts:

GT: Can’t wait to see you again, lil’ miss super amazing with ridiculous flavor and style. Hope we can finally get to know each other.  You really do turn me on, not only physically, but also mentally.

I look up at him and smile. I am so nervous I don’t know what to say. Me.  AK with the big ass loud mouth.  Public speaker AK.  Nervous and giddy.

Anyway, I had to give my friend a ride home, and Grand Theft offered to walk me out to my car – he had a phone case in his car that he wanted to give me because I had remarked earlier in the night how I liked someone else’s.  I walked over to his car with him and he handed me the case.  He asked for a hug, and I gave it to him.  As he had his arm around me, he quickly asked for a kiss, pulled me in, and planted one right on my toothy grin before I could respond, “Yes!”  It was adorable.  So then he says,

GT: Just had to steal that.  I’m a thief.  But I ain’t a petty thief. I only steal things of high value.  I just committed grand theft.

AK: (Blushing and all smiley) Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee

Like a little girl…

I drove my friend home, remarking how I had such a good time at the party and how glad I was that I decided to go.  My friend just chuckles at me, and says, “Yeah, I BET you’re glad.”

I texted Grand Theft back later that night and said

AK: You are so sweet – definitely putting a smile on my face reading this text. It was nice hanging out with you tonight 🙂

Buuuuut.  Haven’t heard back.

I keep trying to figure out why I’m so giddy…has this celibate thing made me so starved for attention that I’m reduced to a nervous little girl, and not the strong confident woman who is used to lines like this…?  He’ll probably never call, but that’s ok.  It’s just interesting to be hit on during this celibacy thing…

Thoughts?  Questions? Comments?

Posted in Crushes during Celibacy, Grand Theft (GT), Guys are awesome | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 27 Comments »

My Dad is Rad

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 9, 2010


I’m sitting at a French dip sandwich place and there’s an old man sitting next to me. He’s probably in his late 70’s, early 80’s. He’s got a baseball cap with an American flag on it and it’s pulled down over his curly white hair. Amber colored blue blockers hang down from a string around his neck. His beige jacket is oversized and has faded corduroy elbow pads. He softly coughs over his potato salad and half eaten French dip sandwich.

I glance up at him from time to time and see his lips moving in a soft whisper. They stop only for the cup of coffee he puts to his lips every minute or so.

He reminded me of my Dad when I saw him. A pang of guilt flashed through my torso as I thought to myself how much he would’ve liked this French Dip place and how I should’ve called him to meet me. It was a last minute lunch stop – I had expected to be done before lunch today and back in the office. Still…this old man makes me think of my Dad eating lunch alone. I dont like the thought of him being alone.

The man I’ve been referring to as my father is not my biological father – he’s my step-father. He has raised me since I was 8 and treated me as his own. He is patient, kind, smart, and selfless. He has always provided for me in every way he could. I get choked up just thinking about how wonderful he is.

My Dad is rad. I’m going to stop by the house on my way home and say hello.

Posted in Guys are awesome | Tagged: , , , , , | 7 Comments »

 
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