Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Archive for the ‘Just. Awful.’ Category

Apathy is the new black

Posted by ashleeekaren on May 5, 2011


…at least for me it is.

I have been silent for awhile… and no, it’s not because I have been having all sorts of amazing sex…it’s because I’ve been apathetic.

Where did this all start??

I found out Martin has a new girlfriend… stupid Facebook.  I hate Facebook…  I didn’t even go on there and my friend had to shove it in my face early one morning…  And even though I had let Martin go, couldn’t bear to keep him around as a beta orbiter for my own selfish needs, I never in a MILLION years expected to react the way I did…

Which was to start crying and then go day drinking and end up a puddled, blabbering mess by 4pm.

I think that triggered it…

And then a couple weeks later, every freaking loser I’ve dated and then subsequently ignored called me.  Monday – Loser #1, Tuesday Loser #2, Weds – ran into Loser #3.   Then on Thurs went out on a date with Old Dorky Guy #1 who, from his pics, looked about 20 years younger than he actually did in person. (eharmony date – needless to say, I cancelled my subscription shortly after).  Did I mention that Loser #1 had actually called and texted me a couple weeks before that Monday, and I ignored him then too?? OH, and did I mention that the Evil T also texted that same weekend.

All of this put me in an emotional tizzy. I’m sensitive.  TOO sensitive, and I think it was time that something…snapped.  I’m sick of allowing these men to affect me the way they do.

And as Rivelino advised me awhile back – don’t just write about dating – write about what you want.

And here’s what I want –

I don’t want to feel anything.

I am not very good at dating.  I don’t think I ever have been.  I am good at getting dates, but not actually dating. I lose my head. I fall in love, I get my feelings hurt, and my heart broken.  No more.

What have any of these relationships ever done for me?  Nothing.  NOTHING!  Well, maybe I’ve learned a lesson or two, the most important being: DON’T DATE ANYMORE!

And I’m not here to blame it on men.  Although some of them are jerks, but just as many of them are nice.  It’s really all my fault.  All of it.  All the bad decisions, the bruised pride, the shattered heart… all of it is my fault.  And I don’t seem to be changing my tune, because I still go after the bad boys and they still go after me.   Ok, ok, admittedly, the 2 nice guys I’ve gone out with in the past 3 years since I’ve been single weren’t exactly matches for me – one wore his button up shirt unbuttoned too low showing his gaudy gold chain, which only emphasized the tragedy of his pointy alligator shoes… and the other…well… the other nice guy had a small penis and talked too much.  Again, not a match.

So I’ve turned off the emotions.  Stopped responding to male attention – for example was hit on yesterday at the grocery store, guy chatted me up in the frozen section and nearly stalked me around the store until checkout.  Then told me how sexy I was in the parking lot.  He was totally my type.  He gave me his number.  I’ve already thrown it away.  Ron has been texting me a lot lately too and haven’t responded to any of his texts…

And yes, I know this means I’m wasting what little beauty my quickly waning youth has afforded me.  But this just beats the alternative – up and down, left and right, feeling happy, then sad, then stupid and resentful.  Enough already.

Posted in Hm. Inneresting..., Just. Awful., Martin, Ron, Rules, T----, WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments »

Protected: Raining on my parade

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 3, 2010


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Why you should ALWAYS ask if he has a girlfriend…And why it really DOES matter…

Posted by ashleeekaren on September 29, 2010


Ok, so about a year ago there was this guy we’ll call Gary.  I met him at lunch with a bunch of other people.  There was definite chemistry – you could almost feel it.  So I tell my friend who is friends with him that I think he’s cute.  Next thing you know, she’s setting us up – come over to my house and hang out – we’re having a few people over and having drinks.

I come over, we all have more than a few drinks and then next thing you know this guy and I are sucking each others faces off.  I didn’t sleep with him that night but eventually did after a few dates.  The sex was amazing.  What was even more amazing was everything that led up to it – our foreplay wasn’t just in the bedroom, it was our entire time together.  The conversation, the flirting…it all clicked in a major way.  But as I’ve explained before, sex just gets me into trouble…

I’m into this guy, so I start asking around – who he is? What’s his deal? I get a flurry of calls and texts that he is a player, that I should stay away… Because the sex was so good, I didn’t even bother to listen to the advice.  I start hearing that there is one girl in particular who he has been seeing – I ask Gary about it and he says, yeah, but it’s not serious.  He doesn’t seem to want to talk about it and since we had only known each other for a couople months I wasn’t going to start requiring him to stop dating other people.  (I certainly hadn’t).  We are both very open about minding our own business and not getting into each others.  It was clear to me at that point that I had no real interest in a relationship with him, but I did enjoy spending time with him, so I thought, hey, why the hell not??  As long as what he’s doing on the side, stays on the side and it’s not in my face…what do I care??  Well…

Anyway, there is just so much more to the story, but I cut some of it short:  I find out she’s pregnant, I confront him and he denies it.  I start hearing from other people that she is in fact pregnant and that  they are moving in together.  I stop talking to him.

I run into him here and there, but always play it cool.  I had never met her before, but knew people who knew her and they only ever said nice things about her.  They all agreed she was naive, but neverthless, she was very nice and sweet.  Even though I’m furious with him (and with myself for being so stupid), there really is no benefit to exposing what happened between us.  It would only hurt everyone involved.  It is true what they say – the truth hurts.

Flash forward to a few months ago. I hear through the grapevine that they are getting married.   I say to myself, hope they are very happy together.  And if by some magic extra sensory perception, he texts me.  Says he’s been thinking about me, hopes I know why he had to stay away, etc, etc. I tell him I understand and no hard feelings and that I’m very happy for him and his girlfriend.  I tell him it’s nice to hear he’s growing up.  It’s very pleasant and short.

Then I start hearing from him more frequently – do you want to have drinks? We should really have drinks some time…just to catch up, you know?  Because I like the attention, I play along, not really sure what I would actually do if I took him up on that offer for “drinks”.  A month or so passes, he keeps asking.  I keep teasing him.  Eventually I take the time to stop and think about it and conclude it’s a bad idea.  I text him that I think we shouldn’t have “drinks”.  I tell him that I’m really happy for him and I don’t want to get in the middle of anything.  He was nice and understanding about it.  A month later he got married. I saw the pics on Facebook – she looked beautiful, he was handsome – they looked very happy.

Flash forward to recently – I ran into her.  We know a lot of the same people and I guess it was inevitable…but that hour was AWFUL.    I tried to chat up my friends as much as I could so that I wouldn’t have to talk to her, because really, I couldn’t look her in the eyes.    She was so damn nice! And pretty!  And I just felt like an awful whore. 

She  introduced herself.  Polite, sweet, pretty, smart.  I felt awful.  I shook her hand and smiled and introduced myself.  I have never felt like that in my life.

I know at the end of the day, Gary is the real dog in the situation.   But I have to take responsibility for my actions.  I knew she existed. I may have been misled about how serious they were, but I knew she was there.  I told myself what I needed to in order to get what I wanted.  It was selfish.  There are many women out there who have dated men who are in relationships and always rationalize by saying, “I don’t owe her anything.”  Well, having been through this experience I can tell you, that you’re right – you don’t owe HER anything.  But you do owe yourself something.  You owe it to yourself to be better than that and not have to be the person that was the catalyst for ruining a marriage, a relationship, or a family.  I’m not judging – trust me, I’m not.  Who am I to judge?  There are very few decisions in my life I would take back – that whole mess with Gary is one of them.    After I found out she was pregnant, I felt bad, but I don’t think I really grasped the entire thing until I saw her face to face.

I can tell you now that it doesn’t matter how great the sex was – it was NOT worth what I had to go through yesterday and it would definitely not be worth if it she ever found out – she would be devastated.  And I should be ashamed…

Trust me…I am.

Posted in Guys are Jerks, Just. Awful., Sexytime | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 29 Comments »

 
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