Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Archive for the ‘Rubbing it in’ Category

Various ways the world tries to humiliate me for being single.

“The Most Important Thing You’ll Ever Do”

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 29, 2011


Yes, it’s Friday night and I’m at home blogging… I think I’m coming down with something and Fringe is on, so I thought it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to stay in tonight.

Today I went to lunch with two friends of mine that I knew from my old job.   Mary is out on maternity leave and has a 5 month old bouncing baby boy.  Adrienne has a 10 month old adorable baby girl and has been back to work for a few months.  It had taken some time for the 3 of us to coordinate our schedules since we are all pretty busy, but I was glad to finally be able to sit and spend time with them and catch up.

Both babies were beautiful but…Mary’s baby boy made my heart stop.  Mary is Asian (like me) and seeing her baby made me think about what mine, if I were to ever have one, would look like…

We caught up briefly, asking about each other’s families, etc, etc and the talk soon turned to weaning baby off bottle, and at what point to start feeding solids… needless to say I had nothing to really contribute, but did my best to look interested and ask pointed questions throughout the conversation.  Mary wanted advice from Adrienne about sleep schedules and how to avoid diaper leaks at night…

I took turns playing with and holding each baby to give their mommies time to eat lunch and a moment away from fussing baby. I’m good with kids – I love them, and usually they love me.  I bounced Baby Boy on my lap, and wiped drool off teething Baby Girl’s chin, while the two moms chatted.  I was very intent on the crazy faces I was making to induce toothless, gummy laughter from both children, but I still picked up on the conversation.  And I heard this:

“Having a child is the most important thing you’ll ever do.”

If it wasn’t already mind numbingly obvious, I was the only woman at the table without a child, and on top of that, I wasn’t anywhere even close.

I politely pretended that I didn’t hear what Adrienne had said.  I didn’t want her to engage in an awkward reassurance, because she’s so sweet she would try.  And I didn’t want her to see the look on my face, because I’m not sure what it would reveal.

I look at my life and think for the most part, things are fine the way they are. Sure, I could use some help in the romance department, but otherwise, I’m pretty happy.  But that comment made me think – if having a child is the most important thing a person can do…what does that mean about my life?

Children are a wonderful thing.  A chance for you to leave something of yourself here in this world, long after your gone.  A living, breathing, human being whom you love unconditionally… I know why people want children.

I think I would like to have a child, but I don’t want to have a child just to have one… I want the whole package – mommy, daddy, and baby.  And I don’t want to have a child with just any man – I want to have a child with a man who will always be in his child’s life, regardless of whether the love between he and I, blooms or fades…a man who my child can always rely upon.  I know that if I never find the man that I am confident will be a great father, then it is likely I will never have a child.

So…if having a child is the most important thing I’ll ever do…what does it mean if I never have one?

Thoughts?

 

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Posted in Rubbing it in, WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments »

Pull back, push away, forget, and bury.

Posted by ashleeekaren on September 18, 2010


So I went to the hospital today to get a bone scan done on my foot, which may or may not have a stress fracture. I had been to this hospital once before when i was with my exboyfriend and apparently my in case of emergency contact was still him. Yet another reminder of the passage of time. When the receptionist asked for my new emergency contact number I gave her my father’s name. She said, “Relationship to you?” And I said, “My father.” She nodded slightly, and I swear I caught a look of pity on her face…

Why is it that I feel everywhere I go, someone is trying to make me feel better about the choices in my life – the decisions I’ve made, and my current single status? Is it them? Or is it me? Maybe I’m just interpreting everything this way? Maybe I’m trying to tell myself that I’m ok because deep down inside, I’m afraid that I’m not. Or is it that when you get to this age, these things just pop up?

Phone rang tonight and it was Dave. I answered the phone timidly and asked, “Did you get arrested?” Because I can’t believe that after the conversation we had about giving me my space that he would call for any other reason than that.

He just wanted to say hello, see how I was doing, “surprise me” he says. Now he’s texting me asking me if I miss him.

How do I even answer that question? I’ve been watching porn to try and forget our last night together! Should I tell him that? I do miss him, even though I know we aren’t right for each other, and even though I know he just wants my attention and time until he’s bored with me.

Still haven’t answered that text and then he followed up with another questions about missing him. I was having a perfectly wonderful week without him in it – cooking, cleaning, hanging out with my dogs, running errands. Perfectly boring and drama free.

What the other Ashlee Karen wants to say to him, the one I keep hidden and quiet and buried underneath layers of wise cracking, aptly timed jokes, is that yes, I miss him. Yes I miss him and can I come over and watch reruns of Deadliest Catch and American Pickers while snuggled up on the couch next to him? Can I come over and allow you to undress me, tangle my hair, and roll around with me? Can we enjoy the post-coital cigarrette in the dark coolness of your home office that I’ve come to love?

But the other smart, experienced, 31 year old Ashlee Karen remembers that she is the guardian of her weaker naive self and quickly withdraws any real warmth or affection she has for Dave and replaces it with dry humor.

This is the way someone like me survives weddings, baby showers, mattress shopping, and hospital visits. Pull back, push away, forget, and bury.

Posted in Rubbing it in, Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The Single Alumni

Posted by ashleeekaren on August 31, 2010


Just got off the phone with my high school alumni association. They had sent me a flier in the mail asking for my info for the alumni directory. As a business owner I felt it was a good idea to put myself in there – you never know who might call wanting to give me business.

Anyway, they asked the usual questions like, what degrees or certifications do I have, what is my email address, etc. etc. The BEST questions were these:

Them: “It’s been nearly 14 years since you graduated. Any name changes since high school?”

Me: “No, no name change.”

Them: “So you have not married since high school?”

Me: “No, never been married.”

Them: “Any children?”

Me: “No, no children…”

Them: “Well…that’s ok…!”

DAMN RIGHT IT’S OK! Why is being single and childless have to be something that people feel like they need to feel sorry for you. Or say stupid crap like, “Well….that’s ok…!”

I have 2 degrees under my belt, have been practicing law for 5 years, am a business owner, and I’m only 31. I think I’m doing alright – I don’t need some random lady on the alumni association directory committee feeling sorry for me.

Posted in Rubbing it in | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

 
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