Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Archive for the ‘Sexytime’ Category

I burn too…

Posted by ashleeekaren on March 24, 2011

I’ve been insanely busy lately and was going to wait to post something until work had calmed down but I’ve gotten some comments lately inquiring as to whether I’ve quit the blog.  Then I read Racer X and a recent post he made about sexual desire and it inspired me, so here I am.

Racer X talks about a woman with whom he has an intense sexual connection, yet they haven’t had sex.

There is one girl I have been enjoying an unfulfilled sexual tryst with for a few years now. For various reasons I have chosen not to pursue her beyond the merely verbal and emotional, but we are both aware of our mutual desires for each other. In such situations you can feel the tension in the room whenever we are together.

That’s exactly how I feel about Big Guy… Yes, yes…Big Guy, who I so proudly rejected just a few short weeks ago.  But I haven’ t been able to get him out of my head and that stupid post it he handed me with his phone number keeps staring at my from my desk.  I should just toss it.  And erase his number.  But I haven’t…because I don’t want to.

In FACT, I burn so much for Big Guy that I ended up consummating my bathroom relationship with Bathroom Makeout Guy, aka Ethan.  Bathroom Makeout Guy is easy, uncomplicated (or so I thought) and I know exactly what he is – just fun.  Plus he has a ridiculous body.  Unfortunately any further bathroom makeout sessions have been cancelled indefinitely since his roommate, my friend, found out and is extremely uncomfortable with it.

This is unfortunate as my plan was to preoccupy myself with Bathroom Makeout Guy to avoid any burning desire to make a dumb excuse to call Big Guy.  Luckily, work has been so crazy busy that I haven’t had too much time to let my mind wander about him.

I wonder what it will be like when we run into each other (because we will eventually due to some unavoidable obligations we both have separately).  According to a friend of mine I have no poker face when it comes to a guy I’m attracted to.  “I can see it in your eyes – you don’t hold back.”  I wonder if I could work on that…I’m afraid he will see how much I want to let him take control, tell me what to do, and have his way with me.  That was part of my attraction to him – because of his imposing size and his personality I felt completely out of control…and I liked it.  I spend so much of my time trying to be in control of situations with work and business that when I’m with a man, I don’t want to control anything. I want to trust him enough to be able to do what he wants without hurting me…not just physically/sexually, but emotionally as well…



Posted in Bathroom Makeout Guy (BMG), Big Guy, Sexytime | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 47 Comments »

I guess the tip counts – the end of the AK Celibacy Project 2010 (in detail!)

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 6, 2010

Ok, so it’s over!  According to the comments on the last post, and other feedback I’ve been receiving, the tip counts, and the Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-2011, is officially over.

Disappointed?  Sad?  Surprised?  Expectant? No one cares no one cares no one cares?  Haha, well…

Since the project officially ended on Friday night I’ve had some time to reflect.  I’m a little disappointed myself, but all in all, I think I’m ok. I’ve learned some things about myself and really that was the whole point, right?

But before I get into all that, as promised, for Racer X, here is the Last Temptation of AK, in more detail:

Friday afternoon I get a call from GT.  We chat for a few minutes and he asks me what I’m doing that night. I tell him I’ve planned a night in watching a Zombie film and that I’m planning to lay low.  He tells me he’s taking his friend Betty (who I’ve met) out to dinner for a belated birthday present but he’s not sure what he’s doing afterwards.  I can tell he’s waiting for me to say something like, oh we should hang out, but I say nothing.  Then he says, well if I’m up by your neck of the woods, I’ll call you.  Ok, have fun tonight, I tell him, fully not expecting to hear from him at all.

A couple hours later I get a text from him – he is staying on a yacht tonight and invites me down for some drinks.  Hm.  I wait about 10 or 15 minutes before I text back, pondering whether I should go and exactly how much trouble I’m willing to get into tonight.  I throw caution to the wind and text him back yes.

Then, in true AK fashion I begin to worry.   I’d be driving very far to get where he is…if we have drinks and I get too drunk, I can’t exactly cab it home…is he expecting sex?  Am I a cheap whore if I drive down there to hang out tonight…?  And more importantly…what am I going to wear??

I decide the best thing to do is give myself options – I don’t want to be stuck staying with him on the yacht with the expectation of sex so I find a nice hotel room right by the harbor and book it.

I get there and he gives me a big hug and kiss.   It turns out Betty is there too.  It’s the three of us…

Have I been roped into a threesome?!

I panic slightly for a second but don’t let it show.  It’s actually nice to see Betty – she’s really sweet and I’m trying to set her up with one of my friends.  Although I still don’t know what the angle is with her being there,. I just play it cool and decide to enjoy myself and see what happens…

He makes us some drinks and we all start chatting.  At first I’m a little nervous around GT and it turns out he’s a little nervous around me.  Having another female there sets me at ease and I’m able to talk with her and observe him observing me, and yeah, he’s nervous!  He won’t sit next to me.  He keeps standing up.  Then when he sits down next to me, he’ll put his arm around me, but he won’t sit for very long.  Then he’ll get up again and fiddle with the music.

At this point I’ve already let him know that I’m staying at hotel.  He’s surprised and asks why I’m not staying on the boat with him and Betty and I just smile and shrug my shoulders.  He says, that’s ok, I’ll be following you back to the hotel…I tell him, ok that’s fine, if you want to sleep on the balcony.  He smiles back.  He goes outside to mess with some control on the boat and it’s just me and Betty.

At this point Betty and I have established a comraderie.

AK: Is it just me, or does he seem nervous?

B:  He’s nervous.  You intimidate him.

AK: I do?  How so? (This girl is AWESOME giving me the inside scoop)

B: He can’t impress you like he tries to impress other girls.  He’s not sure what to do.

I find this interesting since our lunch date he seemed so calm and cool.

AK: Ohhh.  Am I doing something to make him nervous?

B:  No, no, you’re fine!  You’re being cool.  He just doesn’t know what to do around you.  You’re different (I hear all the alphas, quietly chuckling).

I’m about 3 or 4 drinks deep and definitely tipsy. I start the prowl.   As he’s giving me a tour of the boat, I grab his hand, pull him in and kiss him.  He’s a little surprised, but as I turn around and head up the stairs, he says, “You’re a baaad girl huh?” and smacks my ass.  I jump a bit, giggle and head up the stairs smiling….

GT wants to come back to the hotel with me and leave Betty on the yacht.  I tell him no, he can’t do that, he needs to stay with her on the boat.  She insists he goes with me. (Whew, they weren’t trying to rope me in for a threesome!).  I’m finally convinced (drink 5 or 6?).

We get back to the hotel.  It’s very nice view with an ocean view (I’m a baller – I don’t mess around).  He’s impressed.  I put some music on.  We climb into bed…

We start cuddling.  I have my face nuzzled in his neck.  I’m wearing nothing but a t-shirt and my underwear.  He has his arm around me.  I start kissing him on the neck and the cheek.  He doesn’t move his face at all.  Hmm, Drunk AK is starting to think maybe GT isn’t attracted to her…Drunk AK thinks why isn’t he attacking me??  Drunk AK wants to know why he isn’t kissing back??

Drunk AK: Kiss me.  What’s wrong?

GT:  Nothing is wrong.

He kisses me finally on the lips.  No tongue.  WTF, Drunk AK thinks…I need some tongue action here…

GT:  We have plenty of time to have sex. There’s no rush.

Wait, wait, plenty of time? Tonight?  Or…what does he mean?  Shit.  I’m freaking drunk.

Drunk AK: Who said anything about sex?  I just want you to kiss me.

At this point I’m cooing in his ear and pressing my body tight against his.  He remains frozen.

GT:  I really really need you to be a good girl.  You don’t understand…

Drunk AK: I don’t?  My hands are rubbing his arm and chest as I softly kiss his cheek.

GT: Trust me.  Let’s just lay here.

Drunk AK isn’t really listening and I grab his face and give him the most seductive kiss I can muster in my drunken state.  Then, as if a switch is flipped, he’s kissing me back.  His hands are everywhere, on my nipples, in my hair, grabbing my face, rubbing me over my underwear.  We are tearing at each other.

He flips me onto my side and his hands are all over my ass, my breasts, my stomach.  He is grinding into me and I’m grinding back.  He’s hard.  Very hard.  And I can tell he’s big.  (Thank God).  He slides a hand underneath my underwear and says, “Oh god, you’re so wet.”

I guess that’s what 4 months of sexual frustration will do.

Next thing you know, he’s on top of me and he starts to slide it in.  Keep in mind, it’s been 4 months and I’m a little tight – haven’t been using the Rabbit since it broke and I didn’t really use the dildo part of it anyway.  I gasp and he says, “Oh my god, you’re so tight…”

The tip is in.  We’re staring straight into each others eyes and even though I want this guy to completely tear me a part all night long.  I stop him.  I can tell he doesn’t want to stop and that it takes a lot for him to disengage and move from between my legs.  We are both breathing heavily as he lays down next to me.  See? He says.  That’s why I didn’t want to kiss you back…

He spent the night and left around 10 am with a kiss goodbye.   He texted me later in the day and then called yesterday.  He’s been attentive and sweet so far.

Things for me to keep in mind:

1.  Just because I’m interested in someone doesn’t mean I can’t still work on the relationship with myself.  Perhaps this is a good exercise in balance – can I date GT while maintaining the relationship with myself?  I think the answer is yes.

2.  Don’t get drunk the next time I’m trying not to have sex.

3.  Just because he put the tip in doesn’t mean we now have to start screwing like rabbits.

4.  Apparently 1 year of celibacy is unrealistic for AK.  But it’s all about the process – being able to blog about my thoughts and experiences and get feedback has been amazing.

Day 98/365 the AK Celibacy Project Ends.

Thoughts on the end of the project?  The tip?  Betty?  Should I continue to blog?

Posted in Guys are awesome, Near slip ups!, Sexytime | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 53 Comments »

Making out in bathrooms…classy as usual…

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 1, 2010

Went to a costume party and saw Ethan there.  He and I have been flirting for months.  Problem is that he is roomies with a good guy friend of mine who has apparently forbidden him from trying to hook up with me (apparently Ethan is the world’s biggest male whore).  Of course all that sneaking around makes it all the hotter.

He calmly told me to go to the bathroom and he’d meet me there.  I go.  A few minutes later, a knock on the door.  I crack it open, he shoves me inside, locks the door behind him, and starts kissing me violently.  It was SO HOT.  He slams me up against the door and his hands are everywhere.  Then he grabs me by the hair, pulls back, looks me in the eyes, and then flips me around and starts kissing the back of my neck…  

He’s trying to tear my clothes off, but I (unfortunately) think better of it and tell him I have to go.  I fix myself in the mirror and rush out of the bathroom before anyone notices we were in there together.


Posted in Near slip ups!, Sexytime | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Ashleee Karen – The Devirginizer and Destroyer.

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 23, 2010

Time to introduce the boy/man who started it all – S

I first met S when I was 15 working at a local restaurant during the summer.  I was about to be a sophomore in high school and he, a freshman.  He was a surfer, lean, tan, with a boyish hair cut with long bangs that swung over his eyes.

I was not (and I’m still not), a girl you’d think a surfer would date.  I had major T and A (I had B/C cups in high school – a gift and a curse) and just in general we ran with different crowds.  I was friends with some people he knew and vice versa.

That summer we started going out.  Puppy love for sure.  Then we discovered we were insanely sexually attracted to one another.  We didn’t have sex that summer, but we tried pretty much everything else.  Alas, it really was just sumer lovin and by the time the school year started, we had broken up.  

At school, we’d pretend we didn’t know each other but we’d still hook up. He’d come over after school and we’d mess around before my parents got home from work.  We’d have such a great time hanging out, making out, but the next day at school, again, we’d pretend we didn’t know each other.

My close friends knew and apparently we’d been seen around town driving together so people started to figure things out. We’d drive up to the hills and park in a secluded spot and make out literally like teenagers….

I ended up losing my virginity to someone else (for another post) but in the end, I took his.   It didn’t seem like a big deal since we never really dated after that initial summer – I always liked him and wished for more but never thought we’d end up together.  He was in the surf crowd – I played sports and was a book nerd – our high school love just wasn’t meant to be.  For some reason I think this clandestine arrangement we had did a number on my self esteem – I figured there was something wrong with me if he didn’t want people to know we liked each other.  And since there was something wrong with me, it MUST mean that he was better than me and that I should just be lucky and grateful for any attention he paid to me at all.

And so this continued for awhile – all the way up to my sophomore year in college. I was going to drive down to his college and see him but at the last minute I flaked and didn’t bother to tell him.  I never called him after that…

Flashforward to 2007 – I saw him at a bar in our hometown.  He was still boyish looking, but not boyishly handsome…still attractive though.  We were both wasted at the bar. I sat down at his table and started talking to him.  I figured after all these years, who cares about high school bullshit and whether people knew we were friends.  He asked for my card and I pretended I didn’t have one…

Flashforward to 2008 – I facebook him to say hello. He facebooks back.  What ensues is a crazy night in a hotel room screwing like we were teenagers again.  I don’t hear from him – I’m annoyed, but ok with it.

Flashforward to last week – he facebooks me again.  Wants to hook up. Proceeds to tell me that he has been sexually obsessed with me.  I ask, since when, since the last time we hooked up?? He says no, since I was 15.

“You’re still the best sex I’ve ever had.”

WOW.  Now, when I was a teenager I had a pretty bangin body so I get that he was all into that.  But then he started to remind me of all the crazy shit we used to do.

We did it in my pool a few times.

At a party I pulled him into the bathroom and blew him.

I used to tease the hell out of him and make him beg me to finish him off.

Jesus what the hell was wrong with me?!?  What kind of crazy ass teenager is that sexually confident that she’s going around doing that shit?!

Me apparently.

I guess I forgot all about this stuff until he reminded me.  And with this whole celibacy project I have, it’s interesting to revisit.

He insists that every girlfriend he’s had since me has paled in comparison sexually.  He says he is totally into the dominance thing, with the girl being dominant. It turns him on to have to beg.  I’m the first girl he ever went down on and now that’s his favorite thing to do.  He’s been jerking off to me since we were in high school – and he hasn’t stopped since (creepy or flattering?).

How is it possible, that after nearly 16 years I am still the most amazing sex he’s ever had?!  He says he thinks he’s ruined – that his sex life has been destroyed because he’s still looking for the insane, raw, sexual chemistry we had and he’s afraid he’ll never find it…Now he wants to do every dirty thing he didn’t get to do to me before…

Maybe it’s a line.  Maybe it’s true.  Maybe that’s really sad.  I was a teenager – yes, I get that I was advanced and horny as hell and apparently not much has changed, but I didn’t even have my A game out in my teens.  When we did it back in 2007, it was good and fun, but I was nervous and held back a little (translation: didn’t get drunk enough).

So anyways he wants to hook up…I haven’t exactly said no.  Actually, I’ve kinda said yes, but I’m not 100% sure I should go through with it.  I think the sex will be amazing…just not sure if it’s worth it.  Plus I kinda like the celibacy thing… not only does it give me something to blog about, but I think it was a good idea…

Maybe I’m just denying my true nature – nymphomaniac…

Thoughts???  Any advice would be appreciated…

Posted in S, Sexytime, The Men in My Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments »

You want me to wear a WHAT?!?

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 4, 2010

I’ve been wanting to post something about T—- for awhile now – give more of a back story than the few paragraphs littered here and there throughout my blog, but I don’t think I’m ready yet.   It’s such a heavy topic for me, and I’ve discussed it a ZILLION times with girlfriends and guyfriends, but I’m not exactly ready to put pen to paper (or finger to key).  So instead of choosing a heavy topic, I thought I would give you a few laughs and introduce you to my first boyfriend ever – SOM.  Obviously, that’s not his real name, but read on to find out what it stands for… (this one is a bit lengthy but I’m all about building suspense and dramatic flourish)

I was 19 or 20 when I met SOM.  I went to a birthday dinner for my dear friend Amelia (hello Amelia!)  – there were about 10-15 people there from what I remember and someone told me that this guy named Jim wanted to meet me.  I sat and talked to Jim, but he really wasn’t my type.  Perfectly nice guy, but there was no physical attraction there…

What I didn’t know was that ANOTHER guy at this birthday dinner was interested in me as well – it was SOM.  He was a little more my type (although I was later told that he was ugly by more than one person – I suppose love IS blind).  I can’t remember if he asked for my number that night or not, but anyway, eventually it was on.  He was into me, I was into him – I invited him one night to come watch me play the guitar (I did a couple shows in college).  He didn’t kiss me that night, and I couldn’t tell what his deal was.  I learned later, he showed up like a looney tune at Amelia’s house – he scared the crap out of her by popping up at her kitchen window at midnight while she was doing the dishes.  He had to tell her that the moment had been perfect, he didn’t kiss me, he messed up and OOPS, did he forget to mention he still had a girlfriend?!

Yes, he HAD forgotten to mention that really really important aspect.  I found out about it later, but I was young and dumb and didn’t really care.  He broke up with her and started dating me.  The first night we had sex was…


SOM had problems in the bedroom, he said.  He had a difficult time keeping it up – no babe, don’t worry, it’s not you – it’s me!  It was a bit odd since he was only 4 years older than me at the time.  I was not used to dealing with guys who couldn’t get it up.  But I was kind and understanding and for whatever reason, I liked this guy so I gently placed my hand on his and said, “Don’t worry – we’ll work on it.  It will be fine.”

But it wasn’t fine.  This problem plagued our entire relationship. I was 20, I was in college and I had a boyfriend – I wanted to have sex, and LOTS of it.    It gradually became clear to me that the problem in the bedroom likely stemmed from problems in his life.  SOM couldn’t  for the life of him, finish college. He had 8 units to go – 2 classes! For those classes he only had to write a few essays and hand them into the professors and they said they would pass him and he could earn his degree.  It was my 3rd year in college and I was studying for my LSAT’S.  I would drag him to the library with me and make him sit there to write his essays while I studied for my test.  I couldn’t understand what his problem was – I was taking a full load of classes, working 20-30 hours a week AND studying for the LSAT – these 8 units had been hanging over his head for at LEAST a year.  He was like, a 6th year senior or something ridiculous like that…

Anyways, I tried EVERYTHING to turn this guy on – I asked him what would help and I tried every request he made.   I was trying to be an understanding girlfriend and really…just wanted to please the guy.  Plus it was doing a number on my self esteem and I thought there was something wrong with me.  But try as I might, nothing worked.  The little soldier just wouldn’t salute.   Then one day, at the beginning of my first year in law school (and yes the rumors are true – it’s HELL) he says to me:

“Remember how you asked me what my fantasies were?”

“Yes?” I said, intrigued.  Could’ve sworn I wore those boots for him once…

“Well…there was one more I didn’t tell you about, ” he said sheepishly.

“Ok babe, well tell me what it is.” I was a bit hopeful – maybe there was something I could do to help us in the bedroom.

“Well…I’ve always had this fantasy of… you know… I think it would be really sexy if a girl…I’ve always wanted a girl to…” his voice trailed off…was he going to ask me to stick my thumb in his ass or something?

“Yes?” I said cautiously.

“Wear a strap on.”

“Wear a WHAT?!?” No.  Freaking.  Way. Did he just say that to me?

“Yeah, I dunno, I’ve always just thought it would be sexy…would you want to do that?”

I didn’t even hesitate. I didn’t even PRETEND to consider it.

“No. Nope.  Uh, uh. Can’t do that.”

He was disappointed.  But I didn’t hear anything about it for awhile.  Now, I consider myself sexually open minded – but that was just one thing I wouldn’t do.  Other people have their druthers in the bedroom – mine are:  That I am a woman and I don’t have a penis. Women get bent over – NOT MEN! (at least not in my bedroom ) You as the man have the penis and you place it into my vagina and/or mouth.  I do not want to anally violate you, a  man who was 6’2″ and weighed in at about 250 pounds. On top of that he was hairy everywhere but his head (why I keep dating hairy fat guys, I have no idea, but I think that’s for a different post).  Just the thought of it makes my non-existent strap on penis, go flaccid.  Why I didn’t break up with him right there and then just goes to show you how much of a sucker I was/am…

He STILL hadn’t finished those 8 units.  On top of that he had LIED to his parents about finishing them.   As my first year in law school progressed, the arguments would go up and down, back and forth – Christmas came and he showered me with gifts and a trip to New York City for New Years Eve.  We returned from the trip and the fighting started again…the sex problems were even worse…I just didn’t know what to do.  The fighting was AWFUL and I was so unhappy.  And I was naive enough to believe that if I just kept hanging on, everything would be fine…

One month before finals the fighting hit an all time high and in the heat of one of them he said, “Remember that thing I asked you to do?  Well…when you said no, I went online and found someone who would.”

This mother fucker had cheated on me with a chick who agreed to wear a STRAP ON? AND ON TOP OF THAT HE WAS UGLY?! AND DIDN’T HAVE A JOB?! WHO THE HELL DID HE THINK HE WAS?!?  That was it. That’s all I needed to hear.  I was DONE.

Finals came and went and I passed them all (thankfully) I decided to have a party at my house and ended up hooking up with one of the guys there – tall, handsome, funny, and Mr. Right Now.  When he left in the morning I gave him a bunch of SOM’s clothes…Then I made a point of telling SOM about it.  It was pretty awesome.

By the way, SOM stands for STRAP ON M—

(I found out that SOM recently married – I wondered if she strapped one on for him…)

Posted in Guys are Jerks, Hm. Inneresting..., Sexytime, SOM, The Men in My Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

Why you should ALWAYS ask if he has a girlfriend…And why it really DOES matter…

Posted by ashleeekaren on September 29, 2010

Ok, so about a year ago there was this guy we’ll call Gary.  I met him at lunch with a bunch of other people.  There was definite chemistry – you could almost feel it.  So I tell my friend who is friends with him that I think he’s cute.  Next thing you know, she’s setting us up – come over to my house and hang out – we’re having a few people over and having drinks.

I come over, we all have more than a few drinks and then next thing you know this guy and I are sucking each others faces off.  I didn’t sleep with him that night but eventually did after a few dates.  The sex was amazing.  What was even more amazing was everything that led up to it – our foreplay wasn’t just in the bedroom, it was our entire time together.  The conversation, the flirting…it all clicked in a major way.  But as I’ve explained before, sex just gets me into trouble…

I’m into this guy, so I start asking around – who he is? What’s his deal? I get a flurry of calls and texts that he is a player, that I should stay away… Because the sex was so good, I didn’t even bother to listen to the advice.  I start hearing that there is one girl in particular who he has been seeing – I ask Gary about it and he says, yeah, but it’s not serious.  He doesn’t seem to want to talk about it and since we had only known each other for a couople months I wasn’t going to start requiring him to stop dating other people.  (I certainly hadn’t).  We are both very open about minding our own business and not getting into each others.  It was clear to me at that point that I had no real interest in a relationship with him, but I did enjoy spending time with him, so I thought, hey, why the hell not??  As long as what he’s doing on the side, stays on the side and it’s not in my face…what do I care??  Well…

Anyway, there is just so much more to the story, but I cut some of it short:  I find out she’s pregnant, I confront him and he denies it.  I start hearing from other people that she is in fact pregnant and that  they are moving in together.  I stop talking to him.

I run into him here and there, but always play it cool.  I had never met her before, but knew people who knew her and they only ever said nice things about her.  They all agreed she was naive, but neverthless, she was very nice and sweet.  Even though I’m furious with him (and with myself for being so stupid), there really is no benefit to exposing what happened between us.  It would only hurt everyone involved.  It is true what they say – the truth hurts.

Flash forward to a few months ago. I hear through the grapevine that they are getting married.   I say to myself, hope they are very happy together.  And if by some magic extra sensory perception, he texts me.  Says he’s been thinking about me, hopes I know why he had to stay away, etc, etc. I tell him I understand and no hard feelings and that I’m very happy for him and his girlfriend.  I tell him it’s nice to hear he’s growing up.  It’s very pleasant and short.

Then I start hearing from him more frequently – do you want to have drinks? We should really have drinks some time…just to catch up, you know?  Because I like the attention, I play along, not really sure what I would actually do if I took him up on that offer for “drinks”.  A month or so passes, he keeps asking.  I keep teasing him.  Eventually I take the time to stop and think about it and conclude it’s a bad idea.  I text him that I think we shouldn’t have “drinks”.  I tell him that I’m really happy for him and I don’t want to get in the middle of anything.  He was nice and understanding about it.  A month later he got married. I saw the pics on Facebook – she looked beautiful, he was handsome – they looked very happy.

Flash forward to recently – I ran into her.  We know a lot of the same people and I guess it was inevitable…but that hour was AWFUL.    I tried to chat up my friends as much as I could so that I wouldn’t have to talk to her, because really, I couldn’t look her in the eyes.    She was so damn nice! And pretty!  And I just felt like an awful whore. 

She  introduced herself.  Polite, sweet, pretty, smart.  I felt awful.  I shook her hand and smiled and introduced myself.  I have never felt like that in my life.

I know at the end of the day, Gary is the real dog in the situation.   But I have to take responsibility for my actions.  I knew she existed. I may have been misled about how serious they were, but I knew she was there.  I told myself what I needed to in order to get what I wanted.  It was selfish.  There are many women out there who have dated men who are in relationships and always rationalize by saying, “I don’t owe her anything.”  Well, having been through this experience I can tell you, that you’re right – you don’t owe HER anything.  But you do owe yourself something.  You owe it to yourself to be better than that and not have to be the person that was the catalyst for ruining a marriage, a relationship, or a family.  I’m not judging – trust me, I’m not.  Who am I to judge?  There are very few decisions in my life I would take back – that whole mess with Gary is one of them.    After I found out she was pregnant, I felt bad, but I don’t think I really grasped the entire thing until I saw her face to face.

I can tell you now that it doesn’t matter how great the sex was – it was NOT worth what I had to go through yesterday and it would definitely not be worth if it she ever found out – she would be devastated.  And I should be ashamed…

Trust me…I am.

Posted in Guys are Jerks, Just. Awful., Sexytime | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 29 Comments »

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