Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Archive for the ‘The Men in My Life’ Category

Apathy is the new black

Posted by ashleeekaren on May 5, 2011


…at least for me it is.

I have been silent for awhile… and no, it’s not because I have been having all sorts of amazing sex…it’s because I’ve been apathetic.

Where did this all start??

I found out Martin has a new girlfriend… stupid Facebook.  I hate Facebook…  I didn’t even go on there and my friend had to shove it in my face early one morning…  And even though I had let Martin go, couldn’t bear to keep him around as a beta orbiter for my own selfish needs, I never in a MILLION years expected to react the way I did…

Which was to start crying and then go day drinking and end up a puddled, blabbering mess by 4pm.

I think that triggered it…

And then a couple weeks later, every freaking loser I’ve dated and then subsequently ignored called me.  Monday – Loser #1, Tuesday Loser #2, Weds – ran into Loser #3.   Then on Thurs went out on a date with Old Dorky Guy #1 who, from his pics, looked about 20 years younger than he actually did in person. (eharmony date – needless to say, I cancelled my subscription shortly after).  Did I mention that Loser #1 had actually called and texted me a couple weeks before that Monday, and I ignored him then too?? OH, and did I mention that the Evil T also texted that same weekend.

All of this put me in an emotional tizzy. I’m sensitive.  TOO sensitive, and I think it was time that something…snapped.  I’m sick of allowing these men to affect me the way they do.

And as Rivelino advised me awhile back – don’t just write about dating – write about what you want.

And here’s what I want –

I don’t want to feel anything.

I am not very good at dating.  I don’t think I ever have been.  I am good at getting dates, but not actually dating. I lose my head. I fall in love, I get my feelings hurt, and my heart broken.  No more.

What have any of these relationships ever done for me?  Nothing.  NOTHING!  Well, maybe I’ve learned a lesson or two, the most important being: DON’T DATE ANYMORE!

And I’m not here to blame it on men.  Although some of them are jerks, but just as many of them are nice.  It’s really all my fault.  All of it.  All the bad decisions, the bruised pride, the shattered heart… all of it is my fault.  And I don’t seem to be changing my tune, because I still go after the bad boys and they still go after me.   Ok, ok, admittedly, the 2 nice guys I’ve gone out with in the past 3 years since I’ve been single weren’t exactly matches for me – one wore his button up shirt unbuttoned too low showing his gaudy gold chain, which only emphasized the tragedy of his pointy alligator shoes… and the other…well… the other nice guy had a small penis and talked too much.  Again, not a match.

So I’ve turned off the emotions.  Stopped responding to male attention – for example was hit on yesterday at the grocery store, guy chatted me up in the frozen section and nearly stalked me around the store until checkout.  Then told me how sexy I was in the parking lot.  He was totally my type.  He gave me his number.  I’ve already thrown it away.  Ron has been texting me a lot lately too and haven’t responded to any of his texts…

And yes, I know this means I’m wasting what little beauty my quickly waning youth has afforded me.  But this just beats the alternative – up and down, left and right, feeling happy, then sad, then stupid and resentful.  Enough already.

Posted in Hm. Inneresting..., Just. Awful., Martin, Ron, Rules, T----, WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments »

I burn too…

Posted by ashleeekaren on March 24, 2011


I’ve been insanely busy lately and was going to wait to post something until work had calmed down but I’ve gotten some comments lately inquiring as to whether I’ve quit the blog.  Then I read Racer X and a recent post he made about sexual desire and it inspired me, so here I am.

Racer X talks about a woman with whom he has an intense sexual connection, yet they haven’t had sex.

There is one girl I have been enjoying an unfulfilled sexual tryst with for a few years now. For various reasons I have chosen not to pursue her beyond the merely verbal and emotional, but we are both aware of our mutual desires for each other. In such situations you can feel the tension in the room whenever we are together.

That’s exactly how I feel about Big Guy… Yes, yes…Big Guy, who I so proudly rejected just a few short weeks ago.  But I haven’ t been able to get him out of my head and that stupid post it he handed me with his phone number keeps staring at my from my desk.  I should just toss it.  And erase his number.  But I haven’t…because I don’t want to.

In FACT, I burn so much for Big Guy that I ended up consummating my bathroom relationship with Bathroom Makeout Guy, aka Ethan.  Bathroom Makeout Guy is easy, uncomplicated (or so I thought) and I know exactly what he is – just fun.  Plus he has a ridiculous body.  Unfortunately any further bathroom makeout sessions have been cancelled indefinitely since his roommate, my friend, found out and is extremely uncomfortable with it.

This is unfortunate as my plan was to preoccupy myself with Bathroom Makeout Guy to avoid any burning desire to make a dumb excuse to call Big Guy.  Luckily, work has been so crazy busy that I haven’t had too much time to let my mind wander about him.

I wonder what it will be like when we run into each other (because we will eventually due to some unavoidable obligations we both have separately).  According to a friend of mine I have no poker face when it comes to a guy I’m attracted to.  “I can see it in your eyes – you don’t hold back.”  I wonder if I could work on that…I’m afraid he will see how much I want to let him take control, tell me what to do, and have his way with me.  That was part of my attraction to him – because of his imposing size and his personality I felt completely out of control…and I liked it.  I spend so much of my time trying to be in control of situations with work and business that when I’m with a man, I don’t want to control anything. I want to trust him enough to be able to do what he wants without hurting me…not just physically/sexually, but emotionally as well…

 

 

Posted in Bathroom Makeout Guy (BMG), Big Guy, Sexytime | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 47 Comments »

Blogcockblock

Posted by ashleeekaren on March 4, 2011


The old Ashleee would’ve pretended to want a friends with benefits situation while secretly hoping he would change his mind.  The new Ashleee (with the help of some colorful comments on this blog and a good book) is learning and knows better.  After springing an Alpha move on me which I rejected, we had a surprisingly honest, adult conversation about our differing interests and amicably ended things.

So Solomon, I don’t know what his ceiling looks like, nor do I expect to – my womb is ready for us to bring forth the Anti-Christ.

Posted in Hm. Inneresting..., The Men in My Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments »

A girl and her dog

Posted by ashleeekaren on February 1, 2011


I love dogs.  And no, not in that crazy, dress them up in little outfits and hats, kinda love.  But the somewhat normal, love taking them on walks and hikes, playing fetch, and giving belly rubs kind of love.  I have 2 dogs myself – Russell and Benny, and they are very special to me.  Russell in particular

Before T and I moved into the house I’m presently living in, we talked about getting a dog.  I was still under the delusion that he would stop drinking and that I could change him, so I thought getting a dog would be a nice way to normalize us.  Better than getting pregnant, that’s for sure…

I got Russell at a dog adoption fair – he was with a rescue group who took in pregnant dogs and adopted out their puppies.  He was only 12 weeks old when I got him, but he was so sweet and adorable – still small enough to sit in my lap, albeit awkwardly, although I knew he would get big since his mother was a German Shephard…

Once in the new house, T’s drinking worsened and my denial grew deeper.  I had isolated myself from my friends and family, ashamed of who I had chosen as a boyfriend, and unable to ask for help or advice from anyone I trusted.  Because of his drinking, I was scared to really push him too hard, but the stress was beginning to wear on me.  My everyday life became a constant effort not to upset T so that he wouldn’t drink more, so we wouldn’t fight…he was a very mean drunk.

I would come home from work and nearly every day he would be drunk.  Having not worked a full day, or at all, he instead played video games and drank and by the time I got home there would be empty vodka and beer bottles strewn about our house.   So I wouldn’t have to fight with him, I would simply greet him, pretend everything was ok, and tell him I was taking Russell for a walk.

I looked forward to the walks I had with Russell, just as much as I know he did.  I would take out that leash and he would wag his tail furiously and do little doggy circle dances while waiting for me to get ready.  Our walks would be about 20 to 30 minutes, but I loved every second.  Here was another living, breathing creature who knew what I was going through and I could talk to him – he never judged me, he only loved me.  He always knew when I was sad – but playing fetch with him would make me smile as I watched him tumble over himself chasing his ball… After T would get particularly mean, and sometimes violent, Russell would curl up next to me and lay his head on my leg while I quietly cried – and I felt better.   In the lonely haze of T’s alcoholism, I sometimes felt that Russell was all I had.

As the drunken bouts grew worse, I needed more time away from the house – I would go to work early, and stay as late as I could, but would always come home in time to feed Russell.  I started taking him to the dog park where I could stay for an hour or so while he played with other dogs and I chatted with people who didn’t know I was the fool of a girlfriend to a bad drunk…

The night I kicked T out of the house – things were bad.  He was more drunk than I had ever seen him and in a bad mood.  I had had enough of tip toeing around him and this time didn’t back down from his temper.  I didn’t say anything to him – it was just a look I gave him.  He must have understood it –  I told him I was going out to a work function, and that’s when he exploded…  after some pushing, shoving, and broken glass, I locked myself and Russell in my bedroom and called T’s friend to come get him – I was reluctant to call the police – I was afraid of exposing the shame of my relationship to people that I worked with, as a criminal case, if filed, would sure to have been filed in the court I worked in…I thought – maybe if I just have his friend pick him up then no one would have to know.

Russell and I sat in my bedroom as T pounded on the door, screaming and yelling for me to get off the phone… I remember seeing Russell with his ears back and his tail between his legs.  He was shaking – and I realized I was too.  T broke down the door and stepped into the room – Russell tried crawling under the bed but he couldn’t fit and he began to whimper softly… I murmured to him that he was ok, it was going to be alright, and I gently stroked his head.  I remember staring at T trying to anticipate his next move with 911 already punched into my phone.    I saw the door, splintered and cracked with the knob hanging off, ready to hit send if he took another step towards me.

We stared at each other, but I don’t know if he saw my phone ready to dial 911.  Then he broke the silence and told me he wasn’t leaving but that he would sleep on the couch.   I said nothing as he walked back out of the room.  His friend came a few minutes later and put him in the car and drove away.

Dogs are amazing creatures – they don’t care about anything except loving you.  They don’t judge you when you’re weak, they keep you company when you’re lonely, and they make you smile when you think you’ve forgotten how.

 

Posted in T----, The Men in My Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 23 Comments »

Celibate from intimacy…?

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 22, 2011


Since breaking up with T I have dated a few guys and have had sex with them, but I can say that I have never really achieved that level of intimacy that I’ve been craving.

Intimacy, at least for me, is something that takes a long time to build.  I have had sex with men and been affectionate, warm, and inviting, but not truly intimate.  It’s that unspoken familiarity between two people – feeling comfortable enough to curl up next to someone without restraint, knowing exactly how they are going to put their arms around you… those are the things that I miss.  

Sure, sex often leads to cuddling, affection, hand holding and kisses on the forehead, but it’s not the same.  I can have sex with someone and be responsive and engaged…but without the intimacy, without love…it’s not the same.  I hold back – GT and I have only really had sex the one time and things with him are so inconsistent that I hold back emotionally as well.  Not physically so much…maybe just a little because I’m still self-conscious, but with true intimacy, all that self-consciousness is wiped away.

I realize that the last person I was truly intimate with was T.  About 6 or 7 months ago we had had a brief tryst and it was there.   But it was bitter for me… And were my judgment to falter  again and I called him up, we’d probably attack each other as if there hadn’t been any time between us.  And though it might feel strange to feel that intimate with someone who has hurt me so much, it would be there anyway.

I now know that I could never have any realistic long term situation with GT, and frankly his inconsistency is beginning to wear on me.  The excitement of getting to know someone has faded – I am far too old to put up with games, whether they are inadvertent or not.  The little I have gleaned from him leads me to believe that although he may genuinely like me, he is far too selfish a person for me to ever seriously consider being with.  He is still caught up in the rockstar lifestyle and has a million balls in the air…I’m not foolish enough to think that he will ever change who he is – I learned a long time ago that you must take a man for who he is and never expect him to be anything but that.

I cannot say that I am sad.  Or unhappy.  I’m not either of these things.  But I miss feeling the weight of a man that I love on top of me.  I miss being able to wake up in the morning with a man I love fumbling with the sheets to get closer to me so I can feel his breath on my neck… I miss cooking for a man!  Haha, never thought I’d feel that way…  These are the treasures you get when you are intimate with someone.  And I have been celibate from these treasures for a long time…

Posted in Grand Theft (GT), Hm. Inneresting..., T----, Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments »

2011? Business as usual…

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 2, 2011


New Years posts are supposed to reflect on the year behind you and declare the changes you are going to make for a better you in the coming year.  Yeah…Am I supposed to say something profound?

It would’ve been nice to have still been continuing my celibacy project into 2011 since I quite enjoyed typing “The Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-2011.”  That was fun.  But oh well.  That’s really the only thing I can think of…

Setting goals is important, but you should be setting them all the time, not just for your New Years Resolution.  I can’t stand that doctors offices and gyms are the busiest in the first quarter of every year.  It’s annoying.  The gyms are packed, my doctor is booked…I don’t like it…

So I’m just going to go about living (and blogging) the way I normally do.  I think I happen to be over-analytical and reflective anyway, so this being the time for New Years Resolutions is actually unnecessary for me.  I’m not saying that it is unnecessary for me to change or to set goals or that I am perfect and have done everything right.  I really don’t think that.  It’s just that this evolution I’ve been trying to achieve has been a work in progress all my life and especially the last 2 years…

SO, business as usual.  Here’s how the NYE party turned out:

I got nice and liquored up to be able to handle the potential New Years Eve Party Disaster.  Only 2 out of the 3 suitors showed up.  Martin being the first. I chatted with him and was totally polite.  Then Bathroom Makeout Guy (BMG) showed up.  The minute he walked through the door, it was on.

He has what I call a “lingering touch” meaning he leaves his hand or arm there just a little bit longer to let you know he’s interested.  I had to dodge Martin but field these little flirtations here and there.  It was totally hot.   At one point we were in the kitchen and he was making me a drink.  With no one within ear shot I scolded him for opening his big mouth about our bathroom makeout session on Halloween (his roommate is one of my best guy friends and thinks BMG is a dog and doesn’t want me anywhere near him-I got an earful from said guy friend about the whole thing).  BMG tells me that he didn’t say anything and that my friend caught him slinking out of the bathroom right after me  (God, I am SO classy, lol).

At this point I am about 6 or 7 drinks deep but still able to edit myself whenever I see Martin walk in the room and I’m talking to BMG.  Of course, I think I’m being smooth but a friend of mine came up to me and was asking about that guy I was flirting with so maybe I wasn’t so slick.  I figure I have been pretty straight forward with Martin and I should just do what I want and if his feelings are hurt, then that’s his fault for even showing up.  Still…I try to play it nice and make sure not to be too obvious in front of Martin.    So BMG and I continue to steal moments with each other throughout the party.  He stands a little too close, brushes his arm against my back as we walks by, plays with my hair when he thinks no one is looking…very sexy.

Did I mention BMG does MMA and his body is sick??  Anyway…

The NYE countdown happens. I do not kiss BMG or Martin.  But I am WASTED at this point.  Not sick wasted, but happy-go-lucky-wasted where everyone is my best friend and the world is wonderful.

A little bit later BMG lets me know he’s leaving. We unfortunately could not sneak away for any bathroom fun during the party as it was a pretty small gathering and it would’ve been noticed by everyone.  He has me walk him out – the rest of his friends are halfway to the sidewalk heading towards the cab. I’m standing at the door my body still inside the house but my head peaking through.  We both look to see that no one is watching and he grabs my face and plants a kiss on me.

I remember passing out on the couch but I ended up sleeping on the living room floor of my friends house.  People are still up partying but I am too drunk and tired to do anything but snore.  At 3 AM I get a text from GT wishing me Happy New Year.

All in all, it was a great way to start 2011.

 

 

 

Posted in Bathroom Makeout Guy (BMG), Grand Theft (GT), Martin | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments »

Marry Him…? (No, not the book…yet)

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 30, 2010


Ok, it’s still sitting on my night stand.  But now is the best time to read it I think.

Martin just dropped the bomb on me.

Yes, yes I realize I’ve been talking about GT a lot lately – trying to figure him out, etc, etc (annoying myself at this point when it comes to GT…)

But Martin called today and dropped the bomb on me.

He wants to be with me.

Where did this come from?

We’ve been hanging out here and there as friends.  My friend Sharon and I were bored and last weekend I texted him:

AK: What are you doing?

MB: Sorry just saw your texts.  I’m down at ______ with a few friends.

AK: How long you gonna be there?

AK: We’re out at dinner. Just finished eating and we’re gonna head home and change.

MB: Should be here till they close

AK: Who u with (sent by Sharon on my phone)

MB: Yeah a few old people and a few new ones.

MB: Maybe you don’t want to come

AK: Are you being serious

AK: Next time you don’t want me to hang, don’t bother texting me back and I will get it.

MB: You can always hangout.  Just wanted to let you know.

AK: Yeah – no thanks.

Sharon was smart. She knew he was seeing a chick but didn’t want me to show up and have her be there.  Which is why she wanted to know who he was with.  I wasn’t thinking that way – I just figured that he wouldn’t respond and tell me where he’s at unless he wanted to meet up.

I was pissed.  I don’t know why.  He has every right to date someone new. I guess I just don’t want to know about them directly…

Anyway he texted me today to ask if I hated him. I called him and said, no I don’t hate you, but you’re an idiot for even texting me at all that night.  Especially if you knew you were going to hang with some girl.  He apologized and said he wasn’t thinking.  Then this:

“Ever since we’ve been broken up, I’ve been trying to find someone who is just like you.  This girl I was dating – she’s a lot like you, but I realized I don’t want a replacement.  So I ended it with her.  I want the real thing.”

I still have feelings for him.  And yes, Riv, to answer your questions – he is husband material.  He is a Beta – he’s thoughtful, considerate, often places my needs before his own.  He always treated me with kindness and respect, and didn’t want anything from me but to just BE with me…  He would be a good husband and an even better father.  He’s a bit lacking in the career and goals department – I don’t feel like he can keep up with me, but I’m being told I shouldn’t be so “picky”.  Whatever that means…

He is a good man and if I let him, he will spend his life trying to make me happy.

So why aren’t I jumping at the chance to be with him again?

What is the difference between Martin and all these other guys I’ve been spending time with over the past 2 years…?

The difference is that Martin fucked up.  Big time.  And when he did, he broke my heart, and it still hurts.  GT and the rest of the guys I’ve dated haven’t fucked up like that yet.  So I give them a shot, while Martin waits in the wings.

I don’t want to keep looking for “Prince Charming” who I KNOW doesn’t exist, and then blink, and as Riv is always ALWAYS telling me, years have gone by and my youth and good looks and social value is gone and then I’m a cougar…

But I just don’t know how to forgive him.  I still resent him and I need to get over it.  I hang onto my resentment because it protects me from being hurt by him again.  Ugh, that is so bitter and awful sounding, but it’s the honest truth.

Posted in Martin, The Men in My Life, WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 30 Comments »

No Sex in My City (Still) – Day 62/365

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 28, 2010


Well, I didn’t do it.  And it’s not because I didn’t want to.  It’s because S chickened out.  He had me all ramped up with all these sext messages describing all the naughty things we were going to do to each other and then…nothing.  Probably had something to do with that girlfriend of his.  Oh well… It wasn’t meant to be I guess.  And all the better because now I can keep blogging, haha.

I think as time wears on, I become less horny.  Although you would think it would be the opposite.  Even after all the sext messages between me and S and the accompanying disappointment, I didn’t even want to masturbate to take the edge off…

Posted in Guys are Jerks, Near slip ups!, S, The Men in My Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments »

Ashleee Karen – The Devirginizer and Destroyer.

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 23, 2010


Time to introduce the boy/man who started it all – S

I first met S when I was 15 working at a local restaurant during the summer.  I was about to be a sophomore in high school and he, a freshman.  He was a surfer, lean, tan, with a boyish hair cut with long bangs that swung over his eyes.

I was not (and I’m still not), a girl you’d think a surfer would date.  I had major T and A (I had B/C cups in high school – a gift and a curse) and just in general we ran with different crowds.  I was friends with some people he knew and vice versa.

That summer we started going out.  Puppy love for sure.  Then we discovered we were insanely sexually attracted to one another.  We didn’t have sex that summer, but we tried pretty much everything else.  Alas, it really was just sumer lovin and by the time the school year started, we had broken up.  

At school, we’d pretend we didn’t know each other but we’d still hook up. He’d come over after school and we’d mess around before my parents got home from work.  We’d have such a great time hanging out, making out, but the next day at school, again, we’d pretend we didn’t know each other.

My close friends knew and apparently we’d been seen around town driving together so people started to figure things out. We’d drive up to the hills and park in a secluded spot and make out literally like teenagers….

I ended up losing my virginity to someone else (for another post) but in the end, I took his.   It didn’t seem like a big deal since we never really dated after that initial summer – I always liked him and wished for more but never thought we’d end up together.  He was in the surf crowd – I played sports and was a book nerd – our high school love just wasn’t meant to be.  For some reason I think this clandestine arrangement we had did a number on my self esteem – I figured there was something wrong with me if he didn’t want people to know we liked each other.  And since there was something wrong with me, it MUST mean that he was better than me and that I should just be lucky and grateful for any attention he paid to me at all.

And so this continued for awhile – all the way up to my sophomore year in college. I was going to drive down to his college and see him but at the last minute I flaked and didn’t bother to tell him.  I never called him after that…

Flashforward to 2007 – I saw him at a bar in our hometown.  He was still boyish looking, but not boyishly handsome…still attractive though.  We were both wasted at the bar. I sat down at his table and started talking to him.  I figured after all these years, who cares about high school bullshit and whether people knew we were friends.  He asked for my card and I pretended I didn’t have one…

Flashforward to 2008 – I facebook him to say hello. He facebooks back.  What ensues is a crazy night in a hotel room screwing like we were teenagers again.  I don’t hear from him – I’m annoyed, but ok with it.

Flashforward to last week – he facebooks me again.  Wants to hook up. Proceeds to tell me that he has been sexually obsessed with me.  I ask, since when, since the last time we hooked up?? He says no, since I was 15.

“You’re still the best sex I’ve ever had.”

WOW.  Now, when I was a teenager I had a pretty bangin body so I get that he was all into that.  But then he started to remind me of all the crazy shit we used to do.

We did it in my pool a few times.

At a party I pulled him into the bathroom and blew him.

I used to tease the hell out of him and make him beg me to finish him off.

Jesus what the hell was wrong with me?!?  What kind of crazy ass teenager is that sexually confident that she’s going around doing that shit?!

Me apparently.

I guess I forgot all about this stuff until he reminded me.  And with this whole celibacy project I have, it’s interesting to revisit.

He insists that every girlfriend he’s had since me has paled in comparison sexually.  He says he is totally into the dominance thing, with the girl being dominant. It turns him on to have to beg.  I’m the first girl he ever went down on and now that’s his favorite thing to do.  He’s been jerking off to me since we were in high school – and he hasn’t stopped since (creepy or flattering?).

How is it possible, that after nearly 16 years I am still the most amazing sex he’s ever had?!  He says he thinks he’s ruined – that his sex life has been destroyed because he’s still looking for the insane, raw, sexual chemistry we had and he’s afraid he’ll never find it…Now he wants to do every dirty thing he didn’t get to do to me before…

Maybe it’s a line.  Maybe it’s true.  Maybe that’s really sad.  I was a teenager – yes, I get that I was advanced and horny as hell and apparently not much has changed, but I didn’t even have my A game out in my teens.  When we did it back in 2007, it was good and fun, but I was nervous and held back a little (translation: didn’t get drunk enough).

So anyways he wants to hook up…I haven’t exactly said no.  Actually, I’ve kinda said yes, but I’m not 100% sure I should go through with it.  I think the sex will be amazing…just not sure if it’s worth it.  Plus I kinda like the celibacy thing… not only does it give me something to blog about, but I think it was a good idea…

Maybe I’m just denying my true nature – nymphomaniac…

Thoughts???  Any advice would be appreciated…

Posted in S, Sexytime, The Men in My Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments »

The 4 year long, 1 night stand, Part 1

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 12, 2010


I’ve finally decided to sit down and write about T—-. I know I’ve been pretty playful with my posts lately, so sorry to get heavy on you…

I never would’ve guessed that just a few hours spent together would’ve drastically changed my life.

I was 25 and fresh from my breakup with Martin – I was depressed and reckless and I decided to try online dating for the first time ever. We slept together the first night and I thought I would never see him again.

T—- was charming, funny, and sweet. He was articulate, good looking and professed to be very successful. He was exactly what I needed to forget about Martin.

The sex was insane – our chemistry was ridiculous. He knew what I wanted before I did, and when he gave it to me, I wondered how I had ever lived without it. I just wanted to eat, sleep and dream him.  He spoiled me rotten – taking me out to fancy dinners, Dodger games, trips to Vegas, out to bars, and he never let me pick up the tab.

However, he kept me at arms length – I thought there was something damaged about him – maybe mommy hadn’t held him enough as a child – maybe daddy leaving was really traumatic for him. Being unable to solve this delicate mystery just made me want him more…

So did the unreturned phone calls. And the times he would invite me over and then not answer the door when I would get there, me leaving, confused and worried that something had happened. But for as many times as he ignored and flaked on me, he also welcomed me with open arms, tender kisses, and sleepless sex filled nights.

I was in love.

And it was a foolish love. The first year we knew each other he wouldn’t commit. It was tumultuous to say the least…I wanted nothing more than to be with him and take care of him.

T—- is an alcoholic. I had never known an alcoholic before and didn’t even know he was one until we moved in together. This was after a marriage proposal (with no ring). When work started to slow down for him he became depressed – he was making less money, I was paying all the bills (at this point I had been practicing law for about 2 years) and this was a problem.  I soon learned that the times he wouldn’t pick up the phone or answer the door wasn’t because he was torn about whether to commit to me and just couldn’t handle speaking or seeing me – it was because he was passed out drunk.

I would leave for work and I would come home to several empty beer, vodka and wine bottles. He would either be passed out on the couch or playing on his computer. At first it wasn’t so bad – or at least that’s what I told myself. He’s just having a rough time, I would tell myself – he’ll snap out of it,

But he didn’t. The drinking became worse. I would be thankful to go to work in the mornings to get away from him. I couldn’t talk to any of my friends or family about it because I was ashamed to admit anything was wrong.

I would work late to avoid him being up when I got home. When he was passed out, I would check if he was breathing. I was foolish in the beginning and I used to wake him up to get him into bed, but then quickly learned that he was an angry drunk when awakened like this, so I stopped doing it. I had made the mistake several times of trying to reason with him when he was drunk, and stopped that when he would proceed to yell at me unintelligibly.

I learned to tiptoe around him and over a period of months this became normal. It was I who had to change my behavior because I was so unreasonable, he would tell me…he’s just having a tough time, he would get a job and take care of me the way I was taking care of him. I just had to be patient – he had never loved anyone more than he loved me and he was going to prove it to me.

I soon began to feel the walls closing in around me. I started to see that I was being foolish and that I should just get out of there. But he would sense that, and turn on the charm and it was like I had my old T—- back. He would be attentive and sweet, and hey, even bring home some money to pay bills. We’re a team he’d say – we gotta stick together. I would fall in love with him all over again, he would stop drinking for awhile, but then he would start again and this is how our relationship cycled.

Everytime this cycle occurred, the drinking would get worse. He began punching walls and throwing stuff at me. I would make him sleep on the couch and in the morning he would crawl back into bed sometimes apologetic, and sometimes not remembering what he’d done and how scared he made me.  Sometimes he would talk about how much he wanted to hit me, and how he had never wanted to punch a woman before, until now.  But then he would tell me how much he loved me.

And I believed him.

T—- was mostly an angry drunk.  If he started out as a happy drunk he would be so clingy and needy and he would constantly need my validation about how great he was. I would give it to him, but after awhile, it would wear on me and I couldn’t perform the way he needed me to.  That’s when he turned into an angry drunk. Angry I wouldn’t tell him how much I loved him for the 50th time.  Angry I had come home late. Angry I had suggested while he was sober, that he sell the Lexus he drove since we couldn’t afford it, and most of all, I think, angry that I was figuring out what he really was…

One day I came to work with a large bruise on my arm – I was aware of it and of course wore a suit jacket over it.  At some point during the day, I took my jacket off, forgetting about the bruise. My boss saw it and remarked at how large it was.  I told her I had gotten it playing basketball the night before.

The truth was that T—- was drunk the night before and upset about something…I can’t even remember what.  We were in the bedroom I think, and he wanted to leave the room, so he pushed me out of the way and into the dresser.  Then he punched a hole in the door.   I don’t even know if I cried that night – this was normal for me now and I didn’t even know that it was wrong anymore.

To be continued…

*Please keep in mind, I am not an advocate, or an expert, or anything like that. I’m just telling you what happened and what was going through my head at the time.  I am fully aware that I could’ve gotten out at several points and trust me, I’ve been beating myself up over it for the past 2 years… I wrote this today because I felt it was time to confront it.  Maybe doing this will help me open back up and let someone get close to me in a meaningful way….I dunno. I just know it feels good to get it out there.

Posted in T----, The Men in My Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments »

 
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