Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Archive for the ‘Martin’ Category

Apathy is the new black

Posted by ashleeekaren on May 5, 2011


…at least for me it is.

I have been silent for awhile… and no, it’s not because I have been having all sorts of amazing sex…it’s because I’ve been apathetic.

Where did this all start??

I found out Martin has a new girlfriend… stupid Facebook.  I hate Facebook…  I didn’t even go on there and my friend had to shove it in my face early one morning…  And even though I had let Martin go, couldn’t bear to keep him around as a beta orbiter for my own selfish needs, I never in a MILLION years expected to react the way I did…

Which was to start crying and then go day drinking and end up a puddled, blabbering mess by 4pm.

I think that triggered it…

And then a couple weeks later, every freaking loser I’ve dated and then subsequently ignored called me.  Monday – Loser #1, Tuesday Loser #2, Weds – ran into Loser #3.   Then on Thurs went out on a date with Old Dorky Guy #1 who, from his pics, looked about 20 years younger than he actually did in person. (eharmony date – needless to say, I cancelled my subscription shortly after).  Did I mention that Loser #1 had actually called and texted me a couple weeks before that Monday, and I ignored him then too?? OH, and did I mention that the Evil T also texted that same weekend.

All of this put me in an emotional tizzy. I’m sensitive.  TOO sensitive, and I think it was time that something…snapped.  I’m sick of allowing these men to affect me the way they do.

And as Rivelino advised me awhile back – don’t just write about dating – write about what you want.

And here’s what I want –

I don’t want to feel anything.

I am not very good at dating.  I don’t think I ever have been.  I am good at getting dates, but not actually dating. I lose my head. I fall in love, I get my feelings hurt, and my heart broken.  No more.

What have any of these relationships ever done for me?  Nothing.  NOTHING!  Well, maybe I’ve learned a lesson or two, the most important being: DON’T DATE ANYMORE!

And I’m not here to blame it on men.  Although some of them are jerks, but just as many of them are nice.  It’s really all my fault.  All of it.  All the bad decisions, the bruised pride, the shattered heart… all of it is my fault.  And I don’t seem to be changing my tune, because I still go after the bad boys and they still go after me.   Ok, ok, admittedly, the 2 nice guys I’ve gone out with in the past 3 years since I’ve been single weren’t exactly matches for me – one wore his button up shirt unbuttoned too low showing his gaudy gold chain, which only emphasized the tragedy of his pointy alligator shoes… and the other…well… the other nice guy had a small penis and talked too much.  Again, not a match.

So I’ve turned off the emotions.  Stopped responding to male attention – for example was hit on yesterday at the grocery store, guy chatted me up in the frozen section and nearly stalked me around the store until checkout.  Then told me how sexy I was in the parking lot.  He was totally my type.  He gave me his number.  I’ve already thrown it away.  Ron has been texting me a lot lately too and haven’t responded to any of his texts…

And yes, I know this means I’m wasting what little beauty my quickly waning youth has afforded me.  But this just beats the alternative – up and down, left and right, feeling happy, then sad, then stupid and resentful.  Enough already.

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Posted in Hm. Inneresting..., Just. Awful., Martin, Ron, Rules, T----, WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments »

2011? Business as usual…

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 2, 2011


New Years posts are supposed to reflect on the year behind you and declare the changes you are going to make for a better you in the coming year.  Yeah…Am I supposed to say something profound?

It would’ve been nice to have still been continuing my celibacy project into 2011 since I quite enjoyed typing “The Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-2011.”  That was fun.  But oh well.  That’s really the only thing I can think of…

Setting goals is important, but you should be setting them all the time, not just for your New Years Resolution.  I can’t stand that doctors offices and gyms are the busiest in the first quarter of every year.  It’s annoying.  The gyms are packed, my doctor is booked…I don’t like it…

So I’m just going to go about living (and blogging) the way I normally do.  I think I happen to be over-analytical and reflective anyway, so this being the time for New Years Resolutions is actually unnecessary for me.  I’m not saying that it is unnecessary for me to change or to set goals or that I am perfect and have done everything right.  I really don’t think that.  It’s just that this evolution I’ve been trying to achieve has been a work in progress all my life and especially the last 2 years…

SO, business as usual.  Here’s how the NYE party turned out:

I got nice and liquored up to be able to handle the potential New Years Eve Party Disaster.  Only 2 out of the 3 suitors showed up.  Martin being the first. I chatted with him and was totally polite.  Then Bathroom Makeout Guy (BMG) showed up.  The minute he walked through the door, it was on.

He has what I call a “lingering touch” meaning he leaves his hand or arm there just a little bit longer to let you know he’s interested.  I had to dodge Martin but field these little flirtations here and there.  It was totally hot.   At one point we were in the kitchen and he was making me a drink.  With no one within ear shot I scolded him for opening his big mouth about our bathroom makeout session on Halloween (his roommate is one of my best guy friends and thinks BMG is a dog and doesn’t want me anywhere near him-I got an earful from said guy friend about the whole thing).  BMG tells me that he didn’t say anything and that my friend caught him slinking out of the bathroom right after me  (God, I am SO classy, lol).

At this point I am about 6 or 7 drinks deep but still able to edit myself whenever I see Martin walk in the room and I’m talking to BMG.  Of course, I think I’m being smooth but a friend of mine came up to me and was asking about that guy I was flirting with so maybe I wasn’t so slick.  I figure I have been pretty straight forward with Martin and I should just do what I want and if his feelings are hurt, then that’s his fault for even showing up.  Still…I try to play it nice and make sure not to be too obvious in front of Martin.    So BMG and I continue to steal moments with each other throughout the party.  He stands a little too close, brushes his arm against my back as we walks by, plays with my hair when he thinks no one is looking…very sexy.

Did I mention BMG does MMA and his body is sick??  Anyway…

The NYE countdown happens. I do not kiss BMG or Martin.  But I am WASTED at this point.  Not sick wasted, but happy-go-lucky-wasted where everyone is my best friend and the world is wonderful.

A little bit later BMG lets me know he’s leaving. We unfortunately could not sneak away for any bathroom fun during the party as it was a pretty small gathering and it would’ve been noticed by everyone.  He has me walk him out – the rest of his friends are halfway to the sidewalk heading towards the cab. I’m standing at the door my body still inside the house but my head peaking through.  We both look to see that no one is watching and he grabs my face and plants a kiss on me.

I remember passing out on the couch but I ended up sleeping on the living room floor of my friends house.  People are still up partying but I am too drunk and tired to do anything but snore.  At 3 AM I get a text from GT wishing me Happy New Year.

All in all, it was a great way to start 2011.

 

 

 

Posted in Bathroom Makeout Guy (BMG), Grand Theft (GT), Martin | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments »

Marry Him…? (No, not the book…yet)

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 30, 2010


Ok, it’s still sitting on my night stand.  But now is the best time to read it I think.

Martin just dropped the bomb on me.

Yes, yes I realize I’ve been talking about GT a lot lately – trying to figure him out, etc, etc (annoying myself at this point when it comes to GT…)

But Martin called today and dropped the bomb on me.

He wants to be with me.

Where did this come from?

We’ve been hanging out here and there as friends.  My friend Sharon and I were bored and last weekend I texted him:

AK: What are you doing?

MB: Sorry just saw your texts.  I’m down at ______ with a few friends.

AK: How long you gonna be there?

AK: We’re out at dinner. Just finished eating and we’re gonna head home and change.

MB: Should be here till they close

AK: Who u with (sent by Sharon on my phone)

MB: Yeah a few old people and a few new ones.

MB: Maybe you don’t want to come

AK: Are you being serious

AK: Next time you don’t want me to hang, don’t bother texting me back and I will get it.

MB: You can always hangout.  Just wanted to let you know.

AK: Yeah – no thanks.

Sharon was smart. She knew he was seeing a chick but didn’t want me to show up and have her be there.  Which is why she wanted to know who he was with.  I wasn’t thinking that way – I just figured that he wouldn’t respond and tell me where he’s at unless he wanted to meet up.

I was pissed.  I don’t know why.  He has every right to date someone new. I guess I just don’t want to know about them directly…

Anyway he texted me today to ask if I hated him. I called him and said, no I don’t hate you, but you’re an idiot for even texting me at all that night.  Especially if you knew you were going to hang with some girl.  He apologized and said he wasn’t thinking.  Then this:

“Ever since we’ve been broken up, I’ve been trying to find someone who is just like you.  This girl I was dating – she’s a lot like you, but I realized I don’t want a replacement.  So I ended it with her.  I want the real thing.”

I still have feelings for him.  And yes, Riv, to answer your questions – he is husband material.  He is a Beta – he’s thoughtful, considerate, often places my needs before his own.  He always treated me with kindness and respect, and didn’t want anything from me but to just BE with me…  He would be a good husband and an even better father.  He’s a bit lacking in the career and goals department – I don’t feel like he can keep up with me, but I’m being told I shouldn’t be so “picky”.  Whatever that means…

He is a good man and if I let him, he will spend his life trying to make me happy.

So why aren’t I jumping at the chance to be with him again?

What is the difference between Martin and all these other guys I’ve been spending time with over the past 2 years…?

The difference is that Martin fucked up.  Big time.  And when he did, he broke my heart, and it still hurts.  GT and the rest of the guys I’ve dated haven’t fucked up like that yet.  So I give them a shot, while Martin waits in the wings.

I don’t want to keep looking for “Prince Charming” who I KNOW doesn’t exist, and then blink, and as Riv is always ALWAYS telling me, years have gone by and my youth and good looks and social value is gone and then I’m a cougar…

But I just don’t know how to forgive him.  I still resent him and I need to get over it.  I hang onto my resentment because it protects me from being hurt by him again.  Ugh, that is so bitter and awful sounding, but it’s the honest truth.

Posted in Martin, The Men in My Life, WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 30 Comments »

Why are you on Match.com? You should be on IMALIAR.COM!!!

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 8, 2010


Ok, I fully understand that I might end up looking like a bit of a stalker and a koo koo, but I don’t care.  I just saw Martin’s profile on Match.com.

My friend Sharon is on Match right now and she hung out with Martin the other night.  The two of them are friends, and I’m completely fine with that.  Last night I’m over at her house and she tells me Martin is on Match and I should check out his profile. Of course I say YES and we take a look at it.

His pics are nice – they look like him.  His screen name is something awful…I’m scrolling, I’m scrolling and… (all identifying info has been erased)

LIE #1

Ok, ok…it’s possible he’s changed his mind about wanting to have children, and yes, he’s allowed to do that….BUT, moving on…

LIE #2

 

Athletic and Toned???  PLEASE!  He’s not a fatty at all – he probably carries a little bit of extra weight but he’s not fat. But he IS very big boy.  6’4″ as you can see (at least that’s not a lie).  He may have athletic ability, but that’s not what Match is asking you when they are asking about your body type.  To me, athletic and toned is:

Ok, I’m not saying that’s the only way someone could be described as athletic and toned, but you catch my drift.  Ryan Reynolds is chiseled, muscles are defined, etc.  I actually care less about a body than I do a face, but if you’re gonna say you’re athletic and toned, then I expect something like the above, or at least in that hemisphere.  Martin is NOT in that hemisphere.  He has muscles, but he doesn’t have any definition and he’s not toned.  Toned. 

LIE #3

This fool DOES NOT have a bachelors degree!!! In fact, that’s the main reason my mom didn’t like him for me.  I know for a FACT that he hasn’t gone back to school since we’ve broken up.  So why in the hell is he putting that on there?  Match offers the option of putting “some college” which would have been the accurate thing to put down.  He told Sharon he is looking for a wife – he’d really like to settle down and have kids.  Do you think telling someone that you have a bachelors degree, or at least letting them think that, is a good way to start out a potential long term relationship?!

So this begs the question – why do I care?  I don’t know. It just bothers me.  Maybe because if he were actually ALL of those things he put in his profile, I might want to be with him.  He just got laid off and is collecting unemployment.  He told me the other day that he could have a job but it would only be part time and he would make just as much money on unemployment – so why work?  WRONG ANSWER.  Is he working on some grand novel?  NO.  Does he have any physical disabilities??  NO.  Is he taking time out to travel? NO.  Spend time with his sick relative? NO. 

For me, there is only one reason for an able bodied 35 year old man with job opportunities to be on unemployment – LAZINESS.

Anyway, I had a good incredulous laugh last night when I saw his profile and Sharon agreed with me that it was a bit ridiculous.  I mean, Martin doesn’t have a mean bone in his body – but what’s with all the lies??

Thoughts?

Posted in Guys are Jerks, Hm. Inneresting..., Martin, The Men in My Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments »

The Beta in My Life

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 2, 2010


Martin is my Beta.

Martin and I met when I was about 22 or 23.  I was going into my 2nd year in law school.  He had gone to my high school but we weren’t there at the same time.  He used to play basketball down at the park with my guy friends, who I would sometimes join.  We met at a bar and dated for about 2 years, give or take a few months.

Martin is 5 years older than me.  We always got along so well – barely ever fought, the sex was good (not mind blowing, but perfectly satisfactory), and I felt like I was in a happy, healthy relationship.  My friends loved him, my Dad loved him, my Mom…not so much, but that’s only because he never graduated from college.  At the time we met he was doing a job that required a lot of manual labor, but he was laid off.  He immediately found an office job in the same industry and started off in an entry level position.

I remember one night we were getting ready for bed and he walked in from the bathroom.  He was hairy as hell and a little tubby but I remember thinking, “Dammit he’s fat and hairy — but I love him.”

One day about a year and half into the relationship he said to me out of the blue, “I don’t think I want to have kids.”  I was puzzled since we never had talks about kids or marriage – I was only 23 or 24 at the time and hadn’t even graduated law school. I wasn’t ready to have those conversations with him.  But here it was, ready to slap me in the face.

“Like, ever?” I asked.

“Yeah, like ever.”

Hmmmm…. that was going to be a problem.  At that point in my life I was 70/30 about having kids, 70 for having kids, 30 for not.  (As I’ve gotten older, that number vacillates between 50/50 and 60/40.)  I didn’t know whether I wanted to be with someone who was completely 100% against it.

It wasn’t that I wanted to have kids right away.  It was more that I didn’t want to waste my time with someone who couldn’t even consider the possibility.  It was going to be a deal breaker eventually.  But in the meantime, I let him know I was kinda disappointed with that and didn’t really talk about it again.

A few months go by, no arguing, no fighting and then he says, “I’m thinking of moving.”  I thought that was odd since he had just moved into his apartment…

He was feeling restless. He wanted out of his town – he had lived there all his life and wanted to know what it felt like to live somewhere else.  He was going to go up north and stay with a friend.  Just quit his job and go.  I wanted to go with him, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen.  I had just gotten an offer to work my dream job – there was no way I was giving that up based on this flight of fancy upon which he was about to embark.

A few months later, he was gone.  I had begged him not to go since he was insistent there was no way we could do a long distance relationship.  I was willing to try – he wasn’t.  It was awful. I stayed in bed for days and then started going out and dating everything in sight.  That’s when I eventually met T—-, the next love/catastrophe of my life.

After a couple months of Martin being gone, he called me one day and admitted to me that he had made a mistake. He wanted to come back. He wanted to get back together. He wanted to have kids and get married. He always wanted those things but he was just too scared to admit it and he had to lose what he had in order to understand how important it was to him.

By then it was too late – I had fallen for T—- but I didn’t have the balls to tell Martin, especially since I did still love him.  So even though I was still angry with him, I told him to come back – he did and we decided to go ring shopping.  T—- and I had had a falling out and he wasn’t around so Martin was the perfect fill in.  Plus he was such a nice guy and he loved me so much….

Eventually I cheated on Martin with T—-.  I felt awful and told Martin about it.  We broke up.  I felt awful and the only thing that made me feel better was T—-.  Eventually we got serious and I kept Martin in the back of my mind…

Anyway, Martin and I are friends now and have been ever since I broke up with T—-.  I haven’t had sex with him, although we did mess around a few times here and there…even though he is the world’s nicest guy I just don’t know if we are compatible anymore.  The things that I didn’t care about really bug me now –  he’s not very articulate, he didn’t graduate college, and he has no goals or ambitions other than to have fun.  He still lives in the same crummy apartment he did 7 years ago and has nothing put away for a house or anything like that.

I suppose it may be hard to understand why those things bug me so much now without the benefit of the full story of T—-.  That story, even after 2 years, is a bit too raw for me, but I plan to post about it soon.

I want an Alpha AND a Beta.  Is that even possible?

Posted in Martin, T----, The Men in My Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

 
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