Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Archive for the ‘T—-’ Category

Apathy is the new black

Posted by ashleeekaren on May 5, 2011


…at least for me it is.

I have been silent for awhile… and no, it’s not because I have been having all sorts of amazing sex…it’s because I’ve been apathetic.

Where did this all start??

I found out Martin has a new girlfriend… stupid Facebook.  I hate Facebook…  I didn’t even go on there and my friend had to shove it in my face early one morning…  And even though I had let Martin go, couldn’t bear to keep him around as a beta orbiter for my own selfish needs, I never in a MILLION years expected to react the way I did…

Which was to start crying and then go day drinking and end up a puddled, blabbering mess by 4pm.

I think that triggered it…

And then a couple weeks later, every freaking loser I’ve dated and then subsequently ignored called me.  Monday – Loser #1, Tuesday Loser #2, Weds – ran into Loser #3.   Then on Thurs went out on a date with Old Dorky Guy #1 who, from his pics, looked about 20 years younger than he actually did in person. (eharmony date – needless to say, I cancelled my subscription shortly after).  Did I mention that Loser #1 had actually called and texted me a couple weeks before that Monday, and I ignored him then too?? OH, and did I mention that the Evil T also texted that same weekend.

All of this put me in an emotional tizzy. I’m sensitive.  TOO sensitive, and I think it was time that something…snapped.  I’m sick of allowing these men to affect me the way they do.

And as Rivelino advised me awhile back – don’t just write about dating – write about what you want.

And here’s what I want –

I don’t want to feel anything.

I am not very good at dating.  I don’t think I ever have been.  I am good at getting dates, but not actually dating. I lose my head. I fall in love, I get my feelings hurt, and my heart broken.  No more.

What have any of these relationships ever done for me?  Nothing.  NOTHING!  Well, maybe I’ve learned a lesson or two, the most important being: DON’T DATE ANYMORE!

And I’m not here to blame it on men.  Although some of them are jerks, but just as many of them are nice.  It’s really all my fault.  All of it.  All the bad decisions, the bruised pride, the shattered heart… all of it is my fault.  And I don’t seem to be changing my tune, because I still go after the bad boys and they still go after me.   Ok, ok, admittedly, the 2 nice guys I’ve gone out with in the past 3 years since I’ve been single weren’t exactly matches for me – one wore his button up shirt unbuttoned too low showing his gaudy gold chain, which only emphasized the tragedy of his pointy alligator shoes… and the other…well… the other nice guy had a small penis and talked too much.  Again, not a match.

So I’ve turned off the emotions.  Stopped responding to male attention – for example was hit on yesterday at the grocery store, guy chatted me up in the frozen section and nearly stalked me around the store until checkout.  Then told me how sexy I was in the parking lot.  He was totally my type.  He gave me his number.  I’ve already thrown it away.  Ron has been texting me a lot lately too and haven’t responded to any of his texts…

And yes, I know this means I’m wasting what little beauty my quickly waning youth has afforded me.  But this just beats the alternative – up and down, left and right, feeling happy, then sad, then stupid and resentful.  Enough already.

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Posted in Hm. Inneresting..., Just. Awful., Martin, Ron, Rules, T----, WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments »

A girl and her dog

Posted by ashleeekaren on February 1, 2011


I love dogs.  And no, not in that crazy, dress them up in little outfits and hats, kinda love.  But the somewhat normal, love taking them on walks and hikes, playing fetch, and giving belly rubs kind of love.  I have 2 dogs myself – Russell and Benny, and they are very special to me.  Russell in particular

Before T and I moved into the house I’m presently living in, we talked about getting a dog.  I was still under the delusion that he would stop drinking and that I could change him, so I thought getting a dog would be a nice way to normalize us.  Better than getting pregnant, that’s for sure…

I got Russell at a dog adoption fair – he was with a rescue group who took in pregnant dogs and adopted out their puppies.  He was only 12 weeks old when I got him, but he was so sweet and adorable – still small enough to sit in my lap, albeit awkwardly, although I knew he would get big since his mother was a German Shephard…

Once in the new house, T’s drinking worsened and my denial grew deeper.  I had isolated myself from my friends and family, ashamed of who I had chosen as a boyfriend, and unable to ask for help or advice from anyone I trusted.  Because of his drinking, I was scared to really push him too hard, but the stress was beginning to wear on me.  My everyday life became a constant effort not to upset T so that he wouldn’t drink more, so we wouldn’t fight…he was a very mean drunk.

I would come home from work and nearly every day he would be drunk.  Having not worked a full day, or at all, he instead played video games and drank and by the time I got home there would be empty vodka and beer bottles strewn about our house.   So I wouldn’t have to fight with him, I would simply greet him, pretend everything was ok, and tell him I was taking Russell for a walk.

I looked forward to the walks I had with Russell, just as much as I know he did.  I would take out that leash and he would wag his tail furiously and do little doggy circle dances while waiting for me to get ready.  Our walks would be about 20 to 30 minutes, but I loved every second.  Here was another living, breathing creature who knew what I was going through and I could talk to him – he never judged me, he only loved me.  He always knew when I was sad – but playing fetch with him would make me smile as I watched him tumble over himself chasing his ball… After T would get particularly mean, and sometimes violent, Russell would curl up next to me and lay his head on my leg while I quietly cried – and I felt better.   In the lonely haze of T’s alcoholism, I sometimes felt that Russell was all I had.

As the drunken bouts grew worse, I needed more time away from the house – I would go to work early, and stay as late as I could, but would always come home in time to feed Russell.  I started taking him to the dog park where I could stay for an hour or so while he played with other dogs and I chatted with people who didn’t know I was the fool of a girlfriend to a bad drunk…

The night I kicked T out of the house – things were bad.  He was more drunk than I had ever seen him and in a bad mood.  I had had enough of tip toeing around him and this time didn’t back down from his temper.  I didn’t say anything to him – it was just a look I gave him.  He must have understood it –  I told him I was going out to a work function, and that’s when he exploded…  after some pushing, shoving, and broken glass, I locked myself and Russell in my bedroom and called T’s friend to come get him – I was reluctant to call the police – I was afraid of exposing the shame of my relationship to people that I worked with, as a criminal case, if filed, would sure to have been filed in the court I worked in…I thought – maybe if I just have his friend pick him up then no one would have to know.

Russell and I sat in my bedroom as T pounded on the door, screaming and yelling for me to get off the phone… I remember seeing Russell with his ears back and his tail between his legs.  He was shaking – and I realized I was too.  T broke down the door and stepped into the room – Russell tried crawling under the bed but he couldn’t fit and he began to whimper softly… I murmured to him that he was ok, it was going to be alright, and I gently stroked his head.  I remember staring at T trying to anticipate his next move with 911 already punched into my phone.    I saw the door, splintered and cracked with the knob hanging off, ready to hit send if he took another step towards me.

We stared at each other, but I don’t know if he saw my phone ready to dial 911.  Then he broke the silence and told me he wasn’t leaving but that he would sleep on the couch.   I said nothing as he walked back out of the room.  His friend came a few minutes later and put him in the car and drove away.

Dogs are amazing creatures – they don’t care about anything except loving you.  They don’t judge you when you’re weak, they keep you company when you’re lonely, and they make you smile when you think you’ve forgotten how.

 

Posted in T----, The Men in My Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 23 Comments »

Celibate from intimacy…?

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 22, 2011


Since breaking up with T I have dated a few guys and have had sex with them, but I can say that I have never really achieved that level of intimacy that I’ve been craving.

Intimacy, at least for me, is something that takes a long time to build.  I have had sex with men and been affectionate, warm, and inviting, but not truly intimate.  It’s that unspoken familiarity between two people – feeling comfortable enough to curl up next to someone without restraint, knowing exactly how they are going to put their arms around you… those are the things that I miss.  

Sure, sex often leads to cuddling, affection, hand holding and kisses on the forehead, but it’s not the same.  I can have sex with someone and be responsive and engaged…but without the intimacy, without love…it’s not the same.  I hold back – GT and I have only really had sex the one time and things with him are so inconsistent that I hold back emotionally as well.  Not physically so much…maybe just a little because I’m still self-conscious, but with true intimacy, all that self-consciousness is wiped away.

I realize that the last person I was truly intimate with was T.  About 6 or 7 months ago we had had a brief tryst and it was there.   But it was bitter for me… And were my judgment to falter  again and I called him up, we’d probably attack each other as if there hadn’t been any time between us.  And though it might feel strange to feel that intimate with someone who has hurt me so much, it would be there anyway.

I now know that I could never have any realistic long term situation with GT, and frankly his inconsistency is beginning to wear on me.  The excitement of getting to know someone has faded – I am far too old to put up with games, whether they are inadvertent or not.  The little I have gleaned from him leads me to believe that although he may genuinely like me, he is far too selfish a person for me to ever seriously consider being with.  He is still caught up in the rockstar lifestyle and has a million balls in the air…I’m not foolish enough to think that he will ever change who he is – I learned a long time ago that you must take a man for who he is and never expect him to be anything but that.

I cannot say that I am sad.  Or unhappy.  I’m not either of these things.  But I miss feeling the weight of a man that I love on top of me.  I miss being able to wake up in the morning with a man I love fumbling with the sheets to get closer to me so I can feel his breath on my neck… I miss cooking for a man!  Haha, never thought I’d feel that way…  These are the treasures you get when you are intimate with someone.  And I have been celibate from these treasures for a long time…

Posted in Grand Theft (GT), Hm. Inneresting..., T----, Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments »

The 4 year long, 1 night stand, Part 1

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 12, 2010


I’ve finally decided to sit down and write about T—-. I know I’ve been pretty playful with my posts lately, so sorry to get heavy on you…

I never would’ve guessed that just a few hours spent together would’ve drastically changed my life.

I was 25 and fresh from my breakup with Martin – I was depressed and reckless and I decided to try online dating for the first time ever. We slept together the first night and I thought I would never see him again.

T—- was charming, funny, and sweet. He was articulate, good looking and professed to be very successful. He was exactly what I needed to forget about Martin.

The sex was insane – our chemistry was ridiculous. He knew what I wanted before I did, and when he gave it to me, I wondered how I had ever lived without it. I just wanted to eat, sleep and dream him.  He spoiled me rotten – taking me out to fancy dinners, Dodger games, trips to Vegas, out to bars, and he never let me pick up the tab.

However, he kept me at arms length – I thought there was something damaged about him – maybe mommy hadn’t held him enough as a child – maybe daddy leaving was really traumatic for him. Being unable to solve this delicate mystery just made me want him more…

So did the unreturned phone calls. And the times he would invite me over and then not answer the door when I would get there, me leaving, confused and worried that something had happened. But for as many times as he ignored and flaked on me, he also welcomed me with open arms, tender kisses, and sleepless sex filled nights.

I was in love.

And it was a foolish love. The first year we knew each other he wouldn’t commit. It was tumultuous to say the least…I wanted nothing more than to be with him and take care of him.

T—- is an alcoholic. I had never known an alcoholic before and didn’t even know he was one until we moved in together. This was after a marriage proposal (with no ring). When work started to slow down for him he became depressed – he was making less money, I was paying all the bills (at this point I had been practicing law for about 2 years) and this was a problem.  I soon learned that the times he wouldn’t pick up the phone or answer the door wasn’t because he was torn about whether to commit to me and just couldn’t handle speaking or seeing me – it was because he was passed out drunk.

I would leave for work and I would come home to several empty beer, vodka and wine bottles. He would either be passed out on the couch or playing on his computer. At first it wasn’t so bad – or at least that’s what I told myself. He’s just having a rough time, I would tell myself – he’ll snap out of it,

But he didn’t. The drinking became worse. I would be thankful to go to work in the mornings to get away from him. I couldn’t talk to any of my friends or family about it because I was ashamed to admit anything was wrong.

I would work late to avoid him being up when I got home. When he was passed out, I would check if he was breathing. I was foolish in the beginning and I used to wake him up to get him into bed, but then quickly learned that he was an angry drunk when awakened like this, so I stopped doing it. I had made the mistake several times of trying to reason with him when he was drunk, and stopped that when he would proceed to yell at me unintelligibly.

I learned to tiptoe around him and over a period of months this became normal. It was I who had to change my behavior because I was so unreasonable, he would tell me…he’s just having a tough time, he would get a job and take care of me the way I was taking care of him. I just had to be patient – he had never loved anyone more than he loved me and he was going to prove it to me.

I soon began to feel the walls closing in around me. I started to see that I was being foolish and that I should just get out of there. But he would sense that, and turn on the charm and it was like I had my old T—- back. He would be attentive and sweet, and hey, even bring home some money to pay bills. We’re a team he’d say – we gotta stick together. I would fall in love with him all over again, he would stop drinking for awhile, but then he would start again and this is how our relationship cycled.

Everytime this cycle occurred, the drinking would get worse. He began punching walls and throwing stuff at me. I would make him sleep on the couch and in the morning he would crawl back into bed sometimes apologetic, and sometimes not remembering what he’d done and how scared he made me.  Sometimes he would talk about how much he wanted to hit me, and how he had never wanted to punch a woman before, until now.  But then he would tell me how much he loved me.

And I believed him.

T—- was mostly an angry drunk.  If he started out as a happy drunk he would be so clingy and needy and he would constantly need my validation about how great he was. I would give it to him, but after awhile, it would wear on me and I couldn’t perform the way he needed me to.  That’s when he turned into an angry drunk. Angry I wouldn’t tell him how much I loved him for the 50th time.  Angry I had come home late. Angry I had suggested while he was sober, that he sell the Lexus he drove since we couldn’t afford it, and most of all, I think, angry that I was figuring out what he really was…

One day I came to work with a large bruise on my arm – I was aware of it and of course wore a suit jacket over it.  At some point during the day, I took my jacket off, forgetting about the bruise. My boss saw it and remarked at how large it was.  I told her I had gotten it playing basketball the night before.

The truth was that T—- was drunk the night before and upset about something…I can’t even remember what.  We were in the bedroom I think, and he wanted to leave the room, so he pushed me out of the way and into the dresser.  Then he punched a hole in the door.   I don’t even know if I cried that night – this was normal for me now and I didn’t even know that it was wrong anymore.

To be continued…

*Please keep in mind, I am not an advocate, or an expert, or anything like that. I’m just telling you what happened and what was going through my head at the time.  I am fully aware that I could’ve gotten out at several points and trust me, I’ve been beating myself up over it for the past 2 years… I wrote this today because I felt it was time to confront it.  Maybe doing this will help me open back up and let someone get close to me in a meaningful way….I dunno. I just know it feels good to get it out there.

Posted in T----, The Men in My Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments »

The Beta in My Life

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 2, 2010


Martin is my Beta.

Martin and I met when I was about 22 or 23.  I was going into my 2nd year in law school.  He had gone to my high school but we weren’t there at the same time.  He used to play basketball down at the park with my guy friends, who I would sometimes join.  We met at a bar and dated for about 2 years, give or take a few months.

Martin is 5 years older than me.  We always got along so well – barely ever fought, the sex was good (not mind blowing, but perfectly satisfactory), and I felt like I was in a happy, healthy relationship.  My friends loved him, my Dad loved him, my Mom…not so much, but that’s only because he never graduated from college.  At the time we met he was doing a job that required a lot of manual labor, but he was laid off.  He immediately found an office job in the same industry and started off in an entry level position.

I remember one night we were getting ready for bed and he walked in from the bathroom.  He was hairy as hell and a little tubby but I remember thinking, “Dammit he’s fat and hairy — but I love him.”

One day about a year and half into the relationship he said to me out of the blue, “I don’t think I want to have kids.”  I was puzzled since we never had talks about kids or marriage – I was only 23 or 24 at the time and hadn’t even graduated law school. I wasn’t ready to have those conversations with him.  But here it was, ready to slap me in the face.

“Like, ever?” I asked.

“Yeah, like ever.”

Hmmmm…. that was going to be a problem.  At that point in my life I was 70/30 about having kids, 70 for having kids, 30 for not.  (As I’ve gotten older, that number vacillates between 50/50 and 60/40.)  I didn’t know whether I wanted to be with someone who was completely 100% against it.

It wasn’t that I wanted to have kids right away.  It was more that I didn’t want to waste my time with someone who couldn’t even consider the possibility.  It was going to be a deal breaker eventually.  But in the meantime, I let him know I was kinda disappointed with that and didn’t really talk about it again.

A few months go by, no arguing, no fighting and then he says, “I’m thinking of moving.”  I thought that was odd since he had just moved into his apartment…

He was feeling restless. He wanted out of his town – he had lived there all his life and wanted to know what it felt like to live somewhere else.  He was going to go up north and stay with a friend.  Just quit his job and go.  I wanted to go with him, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen.  I had just gotten an offer to work my dream job – there was no way I was giving that up based on this flight of fancy upon which he was about to embark.

A few months later, he was gone.  I had begged him not to go since he was insistent there was no way we could do a long distance relationship.  I was willing to try – he wasn’t.  It was awful. I stayed in bed for days and then started going out and dating everything in sight.  That’s when I eventually met T—-, the next love/catastrophe of my life.

After a couple months of Martin being gone, he called me one day and admitted to me that he had made a mistake. He wanted to come back. He wanted to get back together. He wanted to have kids and get married. He always wanted those things but he was just too scared to admit it and he had to lose what he had in order to understand how important it was to him.

By then it was too late – I had fallen for T—- but I didn’t have the balls to tell Martin, especially since I did still love him.  So even though I was still angry with him, I told him to come back – he did and we decided to go ring shopping.  T—- and I had had a falling out and he wasn’t around so Martin was the perfect fill in.  Plus he was such a nice guy and he loved me so much….

Eventually I cheated on Martin with T—-.  I felt awful and told Martin about it.  We broke up.  I felt awful and the only thing that made me feel better was T—-.  Eventually we got serious and I kept Martin in the back of my mind…

Anyway, Martin and I are friends now and have been ever since I broke up with T—-.  I haven’t had sex with him, although we did mess around a few times here and there…even though he is the world’s nicest guy I just don’t know if we are compatible anymore.  The things that I didn’t care about really bug me now –  he’s not very articulate, he didn’t graduate college, and he has no goals or ambitions other than to have fun.  He still lives in the same crummy apartment he did 7 years ago and has nothing put away for a house or anything like that.

I suppose it may be hard to understand why those things bug me so much now without the benefit of the full story of T—-.  That story, even after 2 years, is a bit too raw for me, but I plan to post about it soon.

I want an Alpha AND a Beta.  Is that even possible?

Posted in Martin, T----, The Men in My Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

The Sitting on the Couch Club

Posted by ashleeekaren on August 31, 2010


In an attempt to embark successfully on this No Sex journey my friends and I have formed the “Sitting in the Couch Club”. It’s self explanatory. They don’t know about my no sex journey and if they did I would probably get a bunch of eye rolls and “Yeah rights…”. I don’t need negative energy like that while I am embarking on this difficult endeavor.

Dave has been calling quite a bit lately. He called yesterday morning and then two more times throughout the day. Even though I know nothing is gonna happen between us, I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the attention. I do. We have a lot in common, he’s funny, and he’s got a deep sexy voice. And I’m a sucker for a deep voice. But I keep him at arms length, emotionally and physically.

Ron also texted last night. Ron, Ron, Ron… He would make excellent genetic material with which to procreate…however he’s a little messed up in the head. A little messed up like me I guess.

I met Ron about 5 years ago. I was a law clerk waiting to pass the bar and he walked into the elevator. He had just interviewed and I remember thinking, damn he’s hot. Tall, blonde, blue eyed with a nice suit on. A deadly combination for me and my weak knees. We exchanged a few pleasantries and he got off the elevator and I crossed my fingers that he would get hired.

He did. So did I and eventually we ended up with offices just down the hall from each other. I was not the only girl who had noticed Ron. And apparently he made a habit of noticing girls quite a bit. But I had started seeing T—-by that time and didn’t care as much anymore. Eventually I left that office but he and I stayed in touch. Tom and I had been off and on and in one of the off periods I eventually hooked up with Ron. When things got really bad with Tom I eventually cheated on him with Ron (as I often do when I want out of the relationship but don’t even know I do).

Since then we have developed into an interesting friendship. We chat, text and have lunch here and there and I’ve told him we can only have sex every 6 months. Otherwise I will get attached. He hates that rule. I just hooked up with Ron a month or so ago and so he’s got another 4-5 months before he gets in again. However with my new goal of no sex (for a year? Hmm..I dunno) he won’t be getting in anywhere….

Anyway he texted last night and I was tempted to invite him over. But I was having too much fun sitting on the couch with my girlfriends complaining about the last guy to annoy the shit out of one of us.

Throughout this complaining I was reminding of why I started this no sex journey. So I just ignored him and made sure I did my duties as a founding member of the Sitting on the Couch Club. And I just sat there on the couch.

Posted in Dave, In the beginning..., Ron, T----, The Men in My Life | Tagged: , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

The Journey Begins

Posted by ashleeekaren on August 28, 2010


It’s Friday night and I’m at home. There is no sex in my city tonight. Although I tend to think that’s ok. Mostly sex just gets me in trouble – wanting sex, chasing sex, having sex. So perhaps I should take sex out if my equation completely and see where that lands me. A social experiment if you will.

Now if you know me at all (which you probably don’t and if you haven’t guessed my name isn’t really Ashleee Karen, or Ashleee or Karen, or even a variation of either. My initials aren’t even the same. If my mom found out I was writing about sex and/or the lack of it, she would be mortified), then you would know that I tend to make grand statements.

I guess I want to know if you stop wanting relationships and/or sex – does that really fix anything? Or does it just make you bitter and undateable when you finally do decide to dive into the relationship pool?

I’ve been out of a relationship for almost 2 years now. The last guy I dated, we’ll call him T—-, was a bad alcoholic who had trouble finding and keeping a job. But Jesus, I really was madly in love with the guy. The sex was insane – chemistry was always really hot and on top of that, I was naive enough to believe that people could change. He didn’t want to change – he just wanted to pretend he changed cuz he wanted to be with me – and admission he finally made after the relationship was over. But really, it wasn’t his fault – he was who he was.

Since that relationship my career has taken off and I’m definitely enjoying finding out who I am and what I really want out of life. Now 31 years old, I find myself in the position that I’m sure millions of women find themselves in – What next?

So this brings me back to sex – since the breakup I have pursued that type of raw sexual chemistry I found with T—-, hoping it would eventually turn into the type of intimacy I used to crave being someone’s girlfriend. I know many people say it’s supposed to happen the other way around or and that it’s much healthier that way but hey…who hell knows anymore? The last guy I had sex with a couple weeks ago, we’ll call him Dave, I truly liked and wanted to get to know better, but my pursuit of that sexual chemistry/intimacy clouded my judgment a little and i moved too fast for him. Now we are just friends. Which might be a good thing.

There are no men in rotation right now and I feel like I can breathe. And although I miss the intimacy, I think it’s better this way.

So if anyone is reading, stay tuned for the adventures of a single 31 year old who is on the verge of being bitter but still has some last remaining shreds of romanticism left in her heart. It’s usually pretty interesting in my neck of the woods.

Posted in Dave, In the beginning..., T---- | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

 
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