Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

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Archive for the ‘Trying to Maintain…’ Category

Things I do to maintain my year long celibacy…

Celibate from intimacy…?

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 22, 2011

Since breaking up with T I have dated a few guys and have had sex with them, but I can say that I have never really achieved that level of intimacy that I’ve been craving.

Intimacy, at least for me, is something that takes a long time to build.  I have had sex with men and been affectionate, warm, and inviting, but not truly intimate.  It’s that unspoken familiarity between two people – feeling comfortable enough to curl up next to someone without restraint, knowing exactly how they are going to put their arms around you… those are the things that I miss.  

Sure, sex often leads to cuddling, affection, hand holding and kisses on the forehead, but it’s not the same.  I can have sex with someone and be responsive and engaged…but without the intimacy, without love…it’s not the same.  I hold back – GT and I have only really had sex the one time and things with him are so inconsistent that I hold back emotionally as well.  Not physically so much…maybe just a little because I’m still self-conscious, but with true intimacy, all that self-consciousness is wiped away.

I realize that the last person I was truly intimate with was T.  About 6 or 7 months ago we had had a brief tryst and it was there.   But it was bitter for me… And were my judgment to falter  again and I called him up, we’d probably attack each other as if there hadn’t been any time between us.  And though it might feel strange to feel that intimate with someone who has hurt me so much, it would be there anyway.

I now know that I could never have any realistic long term situation with GT, and frankly his inconsistency is beginning to wear on me.  The excitement of getting to know someone has faded – I am far too old to put up with games, whether they are inadvertent or not.  The little I have gleaned from him leads me to believe that although he may genuinely like me, he is far too selfish a person for me to ever seriously consider being with.  He is still caught up in the rockstar lifestyle and has a million balls in the air…I’m not foolish enough to think that he will ever change who he is – I learned a long time ago that you must take a man for who he is and never expect him to be anything but that.

I cannot say that I am sad.  Or unhappy.  I’m not either of these things.  But I miss feeling the weight of a man that I love on top of me.  I miss being able to wake up in the morning with a man I love fumbling with the sheets to get closer to me so I can feel his breath on my neck… I miss cooking for a man!  Haha, never thought I’d feel that way…  These are the treasures you get when you are intimate with someone.  And I have been celibate from these treasures for a long time…


Posted in Grand Theft (GT), Hm. Inneresting..., T----, Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments »

Time to re-boot

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 2, 2010

Just reading over some of my recent posts and considering all the comments that have been made and you know what?!  I need to re-boot.

I started this blog so that I could document my celibacy project, and in the past few weeks it’s turned into just another dating blog… For shame, Ashleee Karen, for SHAME.

So I’m re-booting.   Time to go back to where I started – trying not to have sex for a year and using that year to explore me and who I am.  Who is AK?  What does AK want? Where does AK see herself in the next 5 years?  And why is AK writing in the 3rd person???

Now, there’s nothing wrong with dating blogs – I read some of them quite enthusiastically…but if I lose sight of the theme of this blog, then I lose sight of this project and I don’t want to do that.  Reading the last few posts, I’m like, so annoyed with myself.  I just wanna scream SHUT THE %#$! UP ASHLEEE! I will probably talk about dudes here and there, and I will give you guys updates on GT and Martin if any become available, but only as it pertains to my project.  SO this is where I’ve decided to leave things with those guys:

GT: If it happens, it happens.  If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.  He called the other day but I didn’t even care enough to post about it.  I’m not going to get drawn into his world…not because I’m a princess or I think I’m so unique or so wonderful, but because the more I’m drawn into what he wants, thinks, needs, and does, the less time I have to concentrate on what I want, think, need, and do.

Martin: I am going to give myself 3 months and re-visit the issue then. I honestly just don’t want to deal with him right now.  I’m still upset with him and I need to figure out why, and how I can stop, before I even consider going out on a date with the guy.

See, this is what I do.  I tell myself, no I’m not gonna date, I’m going to take a break, blah blah blah blah.  And then inevitably some dude comes along and wants to take me out, or some loser ex crawls out of some godforsaken hole with all these feelings and crap, and then all of a sudden it’s like, OHHHH, what should I do? What should I do??

It’s annoying.  I annoy myself.  Who CARES about these dudes?  I need to stop using these men as a distraction from myself and just learn to BE.  Be AK, not AKwhoisdatingGT, or AKwhoMartinwantstodateagain.  Just be AK.

SO,  Ctrl, Alt and Del!

Which brings us to this:

Today is Day 97/365 of the Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-11.

Days since Actual sex? 116.

Days until my new vibrator arrives?  5-7 business days.


Posted in Trying to Maintain..., Uncategorized, Why I'm doing this | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments »

A weekend review and Monday musing: Does celibate = boring and bored…?

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 22, 2010

Weekend Review

After last weeks hectic work week I was excited for the weekend.  Ready to have a drink (or two, or three) and relax with friends.  Friday night brought the new Harry Potter film and yes, I am a nerd so I was super excited to watch it.  So Friday was a generally wholesome night.

Grand Theft texted me Friday night to say hello and say we should hang soon.  I was worried…was he trying to booty call me?  So I told him I would like that and left it at that.  Wanted to see what his reaction would be.  He called.  The first few minutes we exchanged pleasantries, hi, how are you, blah blah blah.  Then…:

GT: So I’d really like to take you out, maybe get some lunch.  What’s your schedule like next week?

AK: Weds is good for me.

GT: Great, then lets do Weds for lunch….And by the way, you know, don’t be afraid to call me…

AK: Afraid?  I’m not afraid… (puzzled tone)

GT:  I just mean that you’re a grown woman, independent, on point…you shouldn’t be afraid to do what you want and if you want to call or text me, you should.  I’m interested in you and if you’re interested in me, then you shouldn’t be afraid to show it.  I’m not going to baby you…

AK: (nervous laugh – I sometimes laugh when I’m nervous in social situations) Baby me?

GT: I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ll baby you in other ways, but not like that.

AK: (I was dying to have him elaborate on what these “other ways” were but I didn’t want the conversation to turn towards sex) Ok, got it.

GT: Good, good.  I hope I hear from you then.

AK: You will (a challenge, huh?) Good night.

Hmmmm…inneresting.  I thought the direct approach was refreshing…but because I’ve been reading too many damn blogs, I started over analyze everything he said…is he trying to set the tone? .Or is he just insecure and needs someone to stroke his ego…? Or maybe because he is who he is, he’s used to girls throwing themselves at him and blowing up his phone, and so far I’ve refused to do that…  Even as I type this, I’m continuing the dissection, but I should stop.  So I’ll just tell you about Saturday night, which segue ways into the 2nd part of this post:

Monday musing: Does Celibate = boring and bored…?

Boring – shopping for rugs for my friend. Don’t get me wrong, I love shopping and even though it took 4 people, to shove a rug, an accent table and two gigantic plastic storage boxes into my prius, I wouldn’t say it was the most exciting thing to happen this weekend.

Bored – after meeting up with a friend at this awful dive bar and leaving, NO ONE WANTED TO HANG OUT WITH US.


We called up a friend to see if he wanted to grab a drink.  He brushed us off.

Two of our crew were with their boyfriends.  Inaccessible.

I had texted Grand Theft earlier in the day to see if he wanted to meet up for a drink. He told me not to be afraid, right?  That he wasn’t going to baby me like that, right?  He was hanging with a buddy but said he would see where they would be at and let me know.

Didn’t hear from him after that.  Nope.  And I wasn’t going to double text him.  I suppose the positive thing is that he didn’t booty call me.  Of course, that’s only positive if he wasn’t booty calling some other chick…

I am ashamed to admit I went to bed on Saturday feeling a little sorry for myself, and woke up on Sunday feeling the same way.  No one cares no one cares no one cares…  Hahahahaha…

I spent most of yesterday pondering why I felt so boring and bored.  Did it have to do with this celibacy project?  I don’t consider myself a boring person most of the time.  And I understand that if there isn’t any drama then that can be a good thing.  Not saying at all that I want to end the project.  At this point, I’m emotionally invested in seeing this project through so IF I were to end it early, it wouldn’t be just because I’m bored.  It would have to be for somebody special and deserving of my time and attention…

In the meantime I will work on being something other than bored and horny…

Posted in Crushes during Celibacy, Grand Theft (GT), Hm. Inneresting..., Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 61 Comments »

Day 76/365 – The Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-11

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 11, 2010

Day 76!  I have to admit last week I thought there was a chance that today I would have to re-set the counter to Day 0.  S had texted me last week, wanting to hook up today.  I said yes, but I knew he’d flake.  And guess what? He did!  But you know what, that’s ok.  The more time that passes by, and the more feedback I’ve been getting on this blog, the better I feel about actually achieving this goal.

What’s nice is that I”ve found some other blogs (see links on the right) that have similar goals to mine. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone.

I think it’s time to take stock of a couple  things I’ve learned so far:

1.  Although we are creatures driven by biological need to have sex and reproduce, we can control it.

2.  But at the same time, there is no shame in enjoying sex or admitting that you enjoy it.  Sex is SUPPOSED to be enjoyable. If it wasn’t so enjoyable, the human race would’ve died out a long time ago.

3.  Sounds elementary but people are both attracted to and threatened by blatant sexuality.  Sometimes separately.  Sometimes at the same time. Sometimes they don’t even know it.

There are more of course, but these are just the ones I’ve been mulling over lately.

As part of the Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-11, I have picked up 2 books:

1.  Marry Him, by Lori Gottilieb

2.  The Secret Lives of Men, by Christopher Blazina

Rivelino has been telling me to pick up the first book for some time now, and I ran across the second book at the library (yes – I still go to the library.  There’s something about checking out books that I love.  I’ve loved the library since I was a little girl…)  I’m thinking about doing a chapter by chapter post about both of those books but the second one is super long!


Posted in Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments »

Time to pick a new vibrator

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 9, 2010

I posted previously that my vibrator broke.  I had the thing for about 4 years or so and I think it was just its time to go… That was last week.  Lucky for me, as the Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-11 wears on, my sex drive diminishes.  I just have stars in my eyes (and not my loins) for P.  Sigh…my love for him will just have to burn in silence…

Anyway, in the event that I need to take the edge off (although, like I said, over time, the edge becomes more dull) time to pick a new vibrator. I had the rabbit before and he was great, but I think it’s time for a change.  I’m the kind of girl who doesn’t like too many sex toys around. It makes me feel creepy, so I’ve always just had the one faithful little bunny.  I don’t have any back up (other than my own hands).   Here are some that I’ve looked at:


Candidate #1 Jimmyjane Form 2


Candidate #1 description:  Jimmyjane launches their “Pleasure to the People” campaign with a winner — the Form 2 offers more than twice the power of other vibrators, thanks to dual vibrating “ears” that surround the clit. Unlike other vibrators, the flexible tip of each ear is powered with four vibration modes and five power settings, so you can slide, flutter, and vibrate to your heart’s content. The Form 2 is waterproof and rechargeable, and you can’t possibly “overcharge” it, so feel free to plug it in overnight without worry. This is truly sex toy innovation at its best, and we’re just as excited about it as you are.  $135


Candidate #2 Je Joue G-Ki






Candidate #2 Description:  The suspense has been killing us, and it’s finally here: the G-Ki, Je Joue’s latest brilliant G-spot innovation! Je Joue broke new ground with the SaSi vibrator, and they’ve taken it one step further with the G-Ki’s firm, adjustable curve and powerful vibrations. That’s right: you can adjust and lock the curve of the G-Ki to any of three positions, each guaranteed to provide a satisfying new twist on G-spot stimulation. For the first time, you’ll be able to customize your G-spot play to whatever angle suits you best; angle the head far enough forward, and you’ll enjoy simultaneous G-spot and clit stimulation. If you’ve ever doubted the existence of the G-spot, the G-Ki will make a very satisfied believer of you. Easy to control, with five speeds/variations and a waterproof, rechargeable body.  $99


Candidate #3 Laya Spot Vibrator




And last but not least, Candidate #3 description:  Tuck the splashproof Laya Spot in your backpack next to your travel guide and prepare for a fantasy getaway. Breeze through customs, enjoy a buzz in the surf and massage the kinks out of road-weary muscles. An ergonomic shape and three distinct buzz patterns will make even at-home use seem like a vacation from ordinary sex toys. Hold down the “+” button for five seconds to turn it on and then cycle through the vibe patterns by pressing the button again to move to the next one.  Cost:  $60




All of these toys are available on   Buying a vibrator is an investment – they aren’t cheap, and they should last you a long time .  If any of you have suggestions, I would greatly appreciate them.


Posted in Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments »

Yes. I masturbate.

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 16, 2010

That’s either incredibly sad, or incredibly sexy. I’m going with sad.

But how else did you think I was going to be able to get through this celibacy project?

Hee hee


Rules of the Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-11

1) Cannot have under the clothes contact with anyone.
2) Excluding myself.

Apparently there are more than few people betting against me completing this project. Haters. All of you.

BUT, as Vodkacranberry pointed out in a comment on my previous post, maybe I need to pick up a hobby. He suggested cold showers, but i do that all the time anyway. Both a marathon and horseback riding were suggested.

Although I suppose this whole project is like a marathon…

So anyway, he’s right. Hobbies.

My current hobbies:
1) Reading
2) Blogging
3) Playing the guitar
4) Writing songs and singing
5) Doing hair (yes strange I know…)

Maybe I should work out more. Maybe that will relieve stress.

And for all you doubters and nay sayers, I will have you know that Ron texted me AGAIN today and wants to hang out tonight. And by “hang out” he means have meaningless sex. I’m not even tempted! I am being egged on by all you doubters to actually do this.

I feel like Kanye right now so I will leave you with this:

Posted in Doubting, Rules, Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments »

Day 48/365 – Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-2011

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 14, 2010

Day 48 of 365.  Hey, just 317 more days left in my celibacy project…!  Do they make a sedative that will knock me out for 317 more days??

So let’s see….the last post was a little depressing so I thought I would lighten the mood a little.  This blog is supposed to be about my day to day struggle to not have sex and stay away from men, not a history of my bad boyfriends…. Well maybe thinking about my bad boyfriends helps me stay celibate…  There are no rules I suppose, but I like to try and be consistent.

So this morning I didn’t have to be in court so I usually allow myself the luxury of sleeping in and waiting the traffic out.  This was not to be, as Ron must have SMELLED how unbelievably sex starved I feel.  He texted me this morning at 6 AM.  He thinks it’s funny to wake me up in the mornings on his way to the gym.

I peeked at the phone through a layer of blankets and my sleepy eyes – text from Ron.  Closed my eyes.  Rolled over.  Another text.  Ignored it.  Put the pillow over my head.  And another text.

Hm.  Maybe it’s important…I rolled over and checked the texts:


R: HI!

R: Good morning!  Hire you?

R: Oops! I mean, How are you?

Yeah…not that important.  But I was up now, so I texted him back:

AK: Lol.  You reeeeeally like waking me up on the days I can sleep in…

AK: And now that you’ve woken me up you have to entertain me.

R: Okay.  What’s up?  What are you up to today?

As I texted him, flashbacks of our last hot sex romp filled my head. I got the tingles.

R: What is your weekend looking like?

AK: I have a Quincenera on Sat in ________.  You?

R: Let’s hang out

AK: I’ll let you know.


I have a theory (which is not an original one) about ovulation and being horny. I have a friend who is super smart and has a PhD in the human reproductive area so I’ve got to talk to her about that so I can blog about it.  Anyway, according to my handy iphone app Period Tracker, I’m not ovulating right now but there have been times when that app predicts I’m ovulating and I feel horny as hell.

Maybe I just feel horny as hell all the time.  Maybe there’s something wrong with me.  Maybe it’s not normal to have a lingering stare at the hot bailiff through the lockup windows.  Maybe I should tell Ron I’m not having sex for a year?  Nah…maybe not.  Maybe I should just tease him.  He likes that.

When I hit 365/365 I’ll either be:

A raging monster - imagine the train cars are men...




Calm, cool, collected.


Place your bets!  😉


Posted in Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments »

Day 41/365…Sigh…

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 7, 2010

A calendar showing the leap year day.

Image via Wikipedia

It is day 41/365 since my celibacy pledge.  I must be crazy… I am crawling out of my skin.  Yes, I realize that it has only been 2 months since I had sex (so I am 60/365 for sexytime), but I like sex.  A lot.  I read the word “sex” today and I got a little tingle… how sad is that?  Even typing the word “sex” is excruciating…

Ron called yesterday wanting to “say hi and see how you were doing.”  Translation:  the weekend is coming…are you gonna be around so we can have meaningless sex?  I was cordial but didn’t commit to anything.  I’m tempted, I ain’t gonna lie…




Posted in Ron, Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments »

Do boots attract Betas?

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 7, 2010

First, I want to start off by saying that I am honored that Paul the King mentioned my blog.  Pretty cool.



Ok, onto my boots.

These are my Beta Magnet Boots

I always plan my outfits the night before to save myself some time in the morning – I think it’s important to look put together.  I always try to look professional, while remaining youthful and stylish.  I feel more comfortable dressed like that as opposed to having to get into some stuffy looking granny suit my Mom would wear.  I put on a nice black dress today with black tights and knee high boots and paired it with a herringbone wool jacket and a long dangley necklace.  Trendy, yet professional.  The dress was probably half an inch higher than I would normally wear, but I figured with the black tights and the high boots, the length wouldn’t be a big deal.  I double checked with a guy friend of mine and he said, no you look professional, don’t worry. (You never want to be that lawyer who walks into court and everyone is talking about you after you leave cause you dressed like a slut).

But apparently that half inch made a huge difference because I got hit on by 3 guys today.  None of them were Alphas apparently since they didn’t ask for my number.  1 guy is a bailiff in a court I go to here and there so I suspect maybe he wants to circle for awhile before he makes a move. Who knows?  Anyway, I found it interesting that they had enough balls to come up to me, but not to close.  I don’t think I was stand offish, which I can be when I’m not interested. Polite, but stand offish.  But all 3 of these guys I thought to be cute.  One of them said, “You’re gorgeous” but choked after that and couldn’t close.

Were these men Betas? Had everything I’d been reading about in all these blogs just been realized right in front of me?!

If a guy is interested in me, and he has the balls to show it, I know enough to show my appreciation for this courage and reciprocate interest. (Assuming I’m attracted to him, of course).  However, I don’t think I want to take it a step further (like I used to). I think the reciprocation is enough and a REAL man will pick up on it and try to close the deal.  Ask for my number you morons!  If I’m giving you the time of day, go ahead and ask!  Chances are, I’ll probably say yes!

Now that leads to the next query – what’s the point in giving guys my number right now if I’m trying to remain celibate for a year?  Hmmm….haven’t figured that out quite yet.  Thoughts?

Posted in Hm. Inneresting..., Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Torturing myself…One Dave at a time…

Posted by ashleeekaren on September 26, 2010

I am horny as hell. It’s awful. I want to have sex. And I decided to torture myself by hanging out with Dave last night. The entire time I was driving over to his house I was thinking about the year long celibacy that I have pledged. Then the thoughts of us rolling around on the bed, him pulling at my hair and kissing me hard… What celibacy pledge??

So I get there, and he has his shirt off. The funny thing is that he doesn’t really have a nice body so it doesn’t turn me on to see him that way. He’s kinda skinny actually, and a lot skinnier than any dude I’ve ever dated. (Remember, I’m a Joan) Yet for some reason I am still attracted to him. I make some smart ass remark about not knowing this was a No Shirt Party (using humor as a shield).

It’s incredibly hot in his apartment, he explains, and that’s why he has his shirt off. He runs and puts one on. Again, doesn’t really matter, cuz seeing him shirtless doesn’t turn me on, yet I still want to have sex with the guy.

We hang out a bit, have a couple smokes, and he says, “Let’s go for a drive.” Dave is in a bad mood – crappy week at work, people are pissing him off, and some girl he hit on didn’t call him back. Why he’s telling me (again) about some girl he hit on is beyond me. Why I don’t immediately understand we won’t be having sex tonight is also beyond me. This guy can’t decide what the hell he wants from me, one minute he tells me about chicks he hits on, the next he’s all over me, but then insisting we’re just friends… and I’m letting my hormones drown out any meager sense that I have left in my brain.

Driving makes Dave feel better. It’s a nice night anyway plus he loves the feel of his Mercedes and it usually calms him down to drive around. So I say ok, let’s go for a drive. He takes me down by the beach and up into the hills and the view is really nice.   I start babbling a little bit, then quickly pull back when I become paranoid that I’m not saying anything interesting. Dave is quiet. I make a couple jokes. He laughs a little, but goes back to brooding.

We stop and grab some food and head back to the house. I’m not really hungry…at least not for food. When can we have sex please?!?! We hang out for a bit longer and we chat a little here and there. He’s still in a bad mood and I’m thinking, why the hell did he invite me over if he’s feeling crappy? I try to distract him, try to make jokes. He tells a couple jokes and I laugh at them – they’re funny, but not THAT funny, but I know laughing at them will stroke his ego a bit. This man has such a fragile ego…Did I say man? I meant BOY.

I am hoping beyond hope that i will get the signal from him that he’s ready to play. I don’t even care that he’s been brooding all night, that he’s in a bad mood, that he’s got a lot on his mind. I can only think of one thing: SEX.

I sit there for a few minutes more thinking about my next move – should I be aggressive? Should I start with our usual innuendos? I observe him for a bit and see if he’s posturing to go in for a move. He’s not. And I decide that this was just one big torture fest and that I need to go home.

So I’m driving. I’m up the 110 going through downtown and then I think, What about T?? T the ex boyfriend who I’ve spent the past 2 years getting over – T the alcoholic, T the guy who couldn’t get a job, T the guy who resented everything about me, T the guy who was amazing in bed, T the perennial broken down bad boy who so many naive women LOVE to try and fix (and I tried too!). What about T?!?! I’m about to drive by his exit…if I just text him….hmmmmm…..

Quick roll in the hay. It would be hot, dirty, quick and then long. It would be over and over again. It would be familiar, comfortable, but somehow still feel new, exhausting, exhilarating…It would be AMAZING.

It would also be a huge mistake, so I just keep driving past his exit. I put the phone down and turn up the music.

I ended my night by playing Plants vs. Zombies.

Posted in Near slip ups!, Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments »

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