Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Archive for the ‘Why I’m doing this’ Category

Winning the Lottery

Posted by ashleeekaren on March 8, 2011


A close friend of mine who probably knows me better than anyone said to me the other day:

“You are someone who puts yourself out there – it’s your worst and best quality.”

I think what she meant by that (as it was said in the context of discussing what occurred with Big Guy) was that despite all of the terrible dates and bad guys I’ve dated, I keep putting myself out there to get hurt again…

Now keep in mind, none of the guys I’ve hung out with or dated in the past 2 and half years since I’ve been single have gotten anywhere close to my heart to the point where they could really hurt me. .. Sure, some of them might have annoyed me, or maybe I got a little sad about them… but actually getting to me??  Nah, never happened once.  Not like how T  did, or Martin…

One of my biggest fears is being so wrecked by my relationships with T and Martin that I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable with another guy again…so everytime I feel myself retreating back into my victim cave, I snap myself out of it.  I’ve gotta put myself out there.  I need to keep my heart open.

I still believe in love.

And yesterday I was thinking:  finding a man who will love you and you can love back, is like winning the lottery.  If I never buy a ticket, then I’ll never have a chance to win.  Sure, those odds may be small, but they are odds nonetheless.

I like playing the odds.  So I gotta keep buying those tickets…

Posted in Guys are awesome, Hm. Inneresting..., Just be happy, Why I'm doing this | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments »

Time to re-boot

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 2, 2010


Just reading over some of my recent posts and considering all the comments that have been made and you know what?!  I need to re-boot.

I started this blog so that I could document my celibacy project, and in the past few weeks it’s turned into just another dating blog… For shame, Ashleee Karen, for SHAME.

So I’m re-booting.   Time to go back to where I started – trying not to have sex for a year and using that year to explore me and who I am.  Who is AK?  What does AK want? Where does AK see herself in the next 5 years?  And why is AK writing in the 3rd person???

Now, there’s nothing wrong with dating blogs – I read some of them quite enthusiastically…but if I lose sight of the theme of this blog, then I lose sight of this project and I don’t want to do that.  Reading the last few posts, I’m like, so annoyed with myself.  I just wanna scream SHUT THE %#$! UP ASHLEEE! I will probably talk about dudes here and there, and I will give you guys updates on GT and Martin if any become available, but only as it pertains to my project.  SO this is where I’ve decided to leave things with those guys:

GT: If it happens, it happens.  If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.  He called the other day but I didn’t even care enough to post about it.  I’m not going to get drawn into his world…not because I’m a princess or I think I’m so unique or so wonderful, but because the more I’m drawn into what he wants, thinks, needs, and does, the less time I have to concentrate on what I want, think, need, and do.

Martin: I am going to give myself 3 months and re-visit the issue then. I honestly just don’t want to deal with him right now.  I’m still upset with him and I need to figure out why, and how I can stop, before I even consider going out on a date with the guy.

See, this is what I do.  I tell myself, no I’m not gonna date, I’m going to take a break, blah blah blah blah.  And then inevitably some dude comes along and wants to take me out, or some loser ex crawls out of some godforsaken hole with all these feelings and crap, and then all of a sudden it’s like, OHHHH, what should I do? What should I do??

It’s annoying.  I annoy myself.  Who CARES about these dudes?  I need to stop using these men as a distraction from myself and just learn to BE.  Be AK, not AKwhoisdatingGT, or AKwhoMartinwantstodateagain.  Just be AK.

SO,  Ctrl, Alt and Del!

Which brings us to this:

Today is Day 97/365 of the Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-11.

Days since Actual sex? 116.

Days until my new vibrator arrives?  5-7 business days.

😉

Posted in Trying to Maintain..., Uncategorized, Why I'm doing this | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments »

Defining Ashleee

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 10, 2010


The definition of defining (according to dictionary.com):

–adjective

decisive; critically important: Taking a course in architecture was a defining turn in her life.

The definition of define (also according to dictionary.com):

–verb (used with object)

1. to state or set forth the meaning of (a word, phrase, etc.):They disagreed on how to define “liberal.”
2. to explain or identify the nature or essential qualities of;describe: to define judicial functions.
3. to fix or lay down definitely; specify distinctly: to define one’s responsibilities.
4. to determine or fix the boundaries or extent of: to define property with stakes.
5. to make clear the outline or form of: The roof was boldlydefined against the sky.

And the definition of Ashleee Karen (according to ashleeekaren.wordpress.com):

Uhhhh, still working on this one.

Posted in Why I'm doing this | Leave a Comment »

Why I’m doing this

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 9, 2010


I am a 31 year old woman and I am not ashamed to say that I’m still working on figuring things out.  

I have been asked several times why I am doing this little celibacy project.  I think there several theories floating around out there.  Here are some that I have gleaned from comments and emails:

1.  I’m trying to re-virginize myself: Couldn’t be farther from the truth.  Who the hell would want to be a virgin again?  And if I even thought that I could re-virginize myself…is there some magical thing that is supposed to happen once my hymen has been restored (which it can’t by the way, short of some weird plastic surgery)?  I don’t think so.

2.  I’m a born again Christian: Nope – haven’t talked that much about God or religion on this blog.  Or at all.  I don’t attend church.  I have nothing against people who believe in religion – good for them for being able to have so much faith.  That’s not me though.

3.  I’m doing this for attention:  Well duh.  But not exactly.  If I didn’t want anyone to read the thoughts I type, then I wouldn’t upload it to a blog and allow everyone to read it.  I’m not trying to get a movie deal like that Julie & Julia movie.  I am interested in a discourse. I want to know what people think.  I am fully aware that I open myself up to attack – being called a slut, a whore, etc, etc, these are not new or original ways to put someone down.  Especially a woman who brazenly declares how much she likes sex.  As unpleasant as the whore and slut comments can be, they are important to consider, but they will not censor me into writing something other than what I feel and experience.

I am not presumptuous enough to believe that my way is the best way to view sex and sexuality.  Do it whatever way you want, and if you don’t like it my way, then move on to the next blog.  That’s the beauty of this wonderful blogosphere – there are a plethora of ideas and perspectives for a person to explore and enjoy.  Some of it will upset you, some of it will make you laugh, and some of it will make you think.  Thank you First Amendment.

4.  I’m hoping someone will send me a new vibrator:  HA!  I could use a new one.  My trusty Rabbit just crapped out on me.  We had a good 2 years together – he was a giver.  I haven’t had the heart to replace him just yet…

 

Here are the REAL reasons I’m doing this celibacy project and blog (this list is not exclusive – Ashleee Karen reserves the right to amend the list as new reasons become available)


1.  I’ve had a rough few years:  My last boyfriend was an emotionally and physically abusive alcoholic.  I helped him through sobriety and when he got on his feet, he didn’t need me anymore.  I figured out that fixing someone (as if you ever can) doesn’t necessarily make them want to love you more, and in the end, you’re the one who needs fixing.  I am having trouble feeling safe enough to open myself up to someone in a meaningful way.

2.  I don’t know what I want: I don’t know if I want to get married and have kids. I don’t know if I am someone who knows how to be happy in a relationship.  The last healthy relationship I had was about 6-7 years ago and I feel like an entirely different person now.  That girl I was is a stranger to me in so many ways.

3.  I’m still picking crappy guys: In the 2 years that I’ve been single since T, 90% of the guys that I have dated were all wrong for me.  Maybe I picked them that way – self-sabotage and what not. The guys that I passed on, I probably should’ve pursued.  Until I figure out what the hell is going on with that, I think it’s better to stay away from men altogether.

4.  If I’m not working on a relationship with a guy, I can work on the relationship with myself: And here we are, the ultimate reason.  I will tell you what I told my therapist – when I’m not trying to date a guy I can work on other issues that I have outside of my romantic endeavors.  Men can be distractions if you let them, and it’s so much easier to deal with someone else than it is to deal with yourself.   I need to spend time with myself and learn all the great things about me, so that when (and if) I meet the right guy, then he’ll see those things too.

So there you have it.  Thoughts?

Posted in Why I'm doing this | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 33 Comments »

 
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