Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Archive for the ‘WTF’ Category

Apathy is the new black

Posted by ashleeekaren on May 5, 2011


…at least for me it is.

I have been silent for awhile… and no, it’s not because I have been having all sorts of amazing sex…it’s because I’ve been apathetic.

Where did this all start??

I found out Martin has a new girlfriend… stupid Facebook.  I hate Facebook…  I didn’t even go on there and my friend had to shove it in my face early one morning…  And even though I had let Martin go, couldn’t bear to keep him around as a beta orbiter for my own selfish needs, I never in a MILLION years expected to react the way I did…

Which was to start crying and then go day drinking and end up a puddled, blabbering mess by 4pm.

I think that triggered it…

And then a couple weeks later, every freaking loser I’ve dated and then subsequently ignored called me.  Monday – Loser #1, Tuesday Loser #2, Weds – ran into Loser #3.   Then on Thurs went out on a date with Old Dorky Guy #1 who, from his pics, looked about 20 years younger than he actually did in person. (eharmony date – needless to say, I cancelled my subscription shortly after).  Did I mention that Loser #1 had actually called and texted me a couple weeks before that Monday, and I ignored him then too?? OH, and did I mention that the Evil T also texted that same weekend.

All of this put me in an emotional tizzy. I’m sensitive.  TOO sensitive, and I think it was time that something…snapped.  I’m sick of allowing these men to affect me the way they do.

And as Rivelino advised me awhile back – don’t just write about dating – write about what you want.

And here’s what I want –

I don’t want to feel anything.

I am not very good at dating.  I don’t think I ever have been.  I am good at getting dates, but not actually dating. I lose my head. I fall in love, I get my feelings hurt, and my heart broken.  No more.

What have any of these relationships ever done for me?  Nothing.  NOTHING!  Well, maybe I’ve learned a lesson or two, the most important being: DON’T DATE ANYMORE!

And I’m not here to blame it on men.  Although some of them are jerks, but just as many of them are nice.  It’s really all my fault.  All of it.  All the bad decisions, the bruised pride, the shattered heart… all of it is my fault.  And I don’t seem to be changing my tune, because I still go after the bad boys and they still go after me.   Ok, ok, admittedly, the 2 nice guys I’ve gone out with in the past 3 years since I’ve been single weren’t exactly matches for me – one wore his button up shirt unbuttoned too low showing his gaudy gold chain, which only emphasized the tragedy of his pointy alligator shoes… and the other…well… the other nice guy had a small penis and talked too much.  Again, not a match.

So I’ve turned off the emotions.  Stopped responding to male attention – for example was hit on yesterday at the grocery store, guy chatted me up in the frozen section and nearly stalked me around the store until checkout.  Then told me how sexy I was in the parking lot.  He was totally my type.  He gave me his number.  I’ve already thrown it away.  Ron has been texting me a lot lately too and haven’t responded to any of his texts…

And yes, I know this means I’m wasting what little beauty my quickly waning youth has afforded me.  But this just beats the alternative – up and down, left and right, feeling happy, then sad, then stupid and resentful.  Enough already.

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Posted in Hm. Inneresting..., Just. Awful., Martin, Ron, Rules, T----, WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments »

“The Most Important Thing You’ll Ever Do”

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 29, 2011


Yes, it’s Friday night and I’m at home blogging… I think I’m coming down with something and Fringe is on, so I thought it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to stay in tonight.

Today I went to lunch with two friends of mine that I knew from my old job.   Mary is out on maternity leave and has a 5 month old bouncing baby boy.  Adrienne has a 10 month old adorable baby girl and has been back to work for a few months.  It had taken some time for the 3 of us to coordinate our schedules since we are all pretty busy, but I was glad to finally be able to sit and spend time with them and catch up.

Both babies were beautiful but…Mary’s baby boy made my heart stop.  Mary is Asian (like me) and seeing her baby made me think about what mine, if I were to ever have one, would look like…

We caught up briefly, asking about each other’s families, etc, etc and the talk soon turned to weaning baby off bottle, and at what point to start feeding solids… needless to say I had nothing to really contribute, but did my best to look interested and ask pointed questions throughout the conversation.  Mary wanted advice from Adrienne about sleep schedules and how to avoid diaper leaks at night…

I took turns playing with and holding each baby to give their mommies time to eat lunch and a moment away from fussing baby. I’m good with kids – I love them, and usually they love me.  I bounced Baby Boy on my lap, and wiped drool off teething Baby Girl’s chin, while the two moms chatted.  I was very intent on the crazy faces I was making to induce toothless, gummy laughter from both children, but I still picked up on the conversation.  And I heard this:

“Having a child is the most important thing you’ll ever do.”

If it wasn’t already mind numbingly obvious, I was the only woman at the table without a child, and on top of that, I wasn’t anywhere even close.

I politely pretended that I didn’t hear what Adrienne had said.  I didn’t want her to engage in an awkward reassurance, because she’s so sweet she would try.  And I didn’t want her to see the look on my face, because I’m not sure what it would reveal.

I look at my life and think for the most part, things are fine the way they are. Sure, I could use some help in the romance department, but otherwise, I’m pretty happy.  But that comment made me think – if having a child is the most important thing a person can do…what does that mean about my life?

Children are a wonderful thing.  A chance for you to leave something of yourself here in this world, long after your gone.  A living, breathing, human being whom you love unconditionally… I know why people want children.

I think I would like to have a child, but I don’t want to have a child just to have one… I want the whole package – mommy, daddy, and baby.  And I don’t want to have a child with just any man – I want to have a child with a man who will always be in his child’s life, regardless of whether the love between he and I, blooms or fades…a man who my child can always rely upon.  I know that if I never find the man that I am confident will be a great father, then it is likely I will never have a child.

So…if having a child is the most important thing I’ll ever do…what does it mean if I never have one?

Thoughts?

 

Posted in Rubbing it in, WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments »

“You’re intimidating”

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 26, 2011


Although I have already decided that GT isn’t a long term match for me, there is something that is bothering me and I wanted to throw it out there to my readers.

What does it mean when a man says “You’re intimidating.”??

A little about me to give you a big picture:

1.  I’m a lawyer and I’ve been practicing for over 5 years now, but I don’t go around shoving it in people’s faces.  Often, I play it down, and don’t talk about it too much.   If I can avoid saying what I do for a living, I will.  Not because I’m not proud of it, but because I always get some weird reaction from it and I’d just as soon as not deal with it.

2.  I make good money.  I’m not the type to tell people what I make (here in LA, there are LOTS of people who feel they need to tell you how much they make, or how much something costs) I don’t go around telling people I’m rich, but I do have expensive taste and it tends to show.  Chanel, Gucci, Prada, Chloe, and Louis are all very close friends of mine…

3.  I will admit I am high maintainence – I get my nails and hair done religiously. I get my teeth whitened, and they are straight as an arrow.  I also get my eyebrows shaped, have done microderm abrasion, and laser hair removal.  I also have a bad shoe habit and like to get the latest gadgets.  Do I talk about this with guys I’m dating?  Not initially, no.  Do I ever expect anyone else to pay for any of that stuff? No.  I can pay for it myself.  Is it likely that people notice all this stuff?  Yes.  And no, I haven’t gotten any plastic surgery.

4. I’m aggressive in my job, but not the same way in my personal life.  I turn that off when I don’t have my lawyer hat on.  I would say I’m assertive and actually pretty easy going.

5.  I can be a ridiculous pushover and sucker.  The problem is that I see the good in everyone, doesn’t matter who they are, or what they did, I find something redeeming about everyone, even if I don’t like them as a person.  It’s also a good thing that I see people that way, but it gets me into trouble just as much as it benefits me.

Here’s the conversation between me and GT:

AK: I really need you to be more consistent with me.  I’m not saying I want to know if you’re my boyfriend or not, I’m just saying you should follow through with what you say you’re going to follow through with.

GT: The problem is that you’re intimidating…

AK: (puzzled look) How have I been intimidating you?

GT: It’s not anything you’re doing…it’s who you are…you’re secure in your life and I’m not. My life has been on hold for a long time because of x, y, z  (editing to protect his privacy).  And until I can a, b, c the x, y, z, then I won’t be in a position to give you what I know you deserve.

AK: But I know about x, y, and z, and it doesn’t bother me at all.  If it did, I wouldn’t be sitting here with you right now.

GT: I know it doesn’t because you’re such a sweet girl.  And when I think about you and me, of course I’m thinking long term…. Like, what are your parents going to think when they meet me?

AK: My parents? (Head cocked, eyes wide)

GT: Yeah, your parents.  I can tell they adore you and I don’t think they would like me very much because of x, y, z.

AK: My parents?  Why are we talking about my parents?

GT: Because I’ve been thinking about that…

AK: But why? I think you’re getting ahead of yourself.  It’s too soon for a conversation about you meeting my parents.  Let’s just figure out whether we are compatible with each other before we start throwing in family and what not…

GT: It’s just intimidating is all…

I see how he deflected his behavior onto me – I tell him he’s inconsistent and he basically says it’s my fault.  What he’s really saying is that because he’s starting to figure out that he won’t match up to me, there’s no point in him being consistent and reliable because he’s already decided it won’t go anywhere….  Another possibility is that he’s trying to intentionally mess with my head, but I didn’t get the sense that he was.  At least that’s my take on it.

But this “You’re intimidating” thing has come up several times with different guys so I’m curious what my readers think… Thoughts?

Posted in Grand Theft (GT), Guys are Jerks, Hm. Inneresting..., WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 35 Comments »

Anticipating a New Years Eve Disaster

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 31, 2010


New Years Eve.  A time for reflection.  A time for celebration.  A time for…disaster?

My friend Sharon decided to have a party this year, as last years NYE was a bit boring.  She sent the evite out a few weeks ago.  I didn’t bother to look at the invite list and simply replied “yes”.  Sharon is one of my best friends and it was a given that I would be going to this party, since everyone I know is going to be there too.

Sharon is also friends with Martin.  Martin of the “I’m still in love with you” nonsense.  She invited him.  What was I supposed to say?  She felt awkward about not inviting him even though she knows everything that’s been going on between Martin and I.  So I said I would deal with it.

THEN I find out that the dude I made out with in the bathroom at Halloween is ALSO coming to the party.  And the Irish guy i had a crush on awhile back may also show up.

I get a text from Martin (although I did tell him I needed my space awhile back) telling me he’s picking up some stuff for the party and would I like anything.  I say no.  Then he asks if it’s going to be awkward if he shows up. I tell him no, it’s fine, he should come because I know Sharon wants him to.

SO, since Bathroom Makeout Guy is going to be there and he has a total hard on for me, I can just imagine myself trying to dodge his advances to preserve Martin’s feelings.  And I can just imagine how completely awkward it’s going to be when Irish Guy shows up and my friend’s husband starts trying to set us up (he’s hell bent on making it happen).

Thank goodness I don’t have to deal with GT since he’s with his daughter and in a very far away city.  But I still think I have my hands full. I should probably just drink myself ridiculous and hide in a closet or something…

Posted in WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments »

Marry Him…? (No, not the book…yet)

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 30, 2010


Ok, it’s still sitting on my night stand.  But now is the best time to read it I think.

Martin just dropped the bomb on me.

Yes, yes I realize I’ve been talking about GT a lot lately – trying to figure him out, etc, etc (annoying myself at this point when it comes to GT…)

But Martin called today and dropped the bomb on me.

He wants to be with me.

Where did this come from?

We’ve been hanging out here and there as friends.  My friend Sharon and I were bored and last weekend I texted him:

AK: What are you doing?

MB: Sorry just saw your texts.  I’m down at ______ with a few friends.

AK: How long you gonna be there?

AK: We’re out at dinner. Just finished eating and we’re gonna head home and change.

MB: Should be here till they close

AK: Who u with (sent by Sharon on my phone)

MB: Yeah a few old people and a few new ones.

MB: Maybe you don’t want to come

AK: Are you being serious

AK: Next time you don’t want me to hang, don’t bother texting me back and I will get it.

MB: You can always hangout.  Just wanted to let you know.

AK: Yeah – no thanks.

Sharon was smart. She knew he was seeing a chick but didn’t want me to show up and have her be there.  Which is why she wanted to know who he was with.  I wasn’t thinking that way – I just figured that he wouldn’t respond and tell me where he’s at unless he wanted to meet up.

I was pissed.  I don’t know why.  He has every right to date someone new. I guess I just don’t want to know about them directly…

Anyway he texted me today to ask if I hated him. I called him and said, no I don’t hate you, but you’re an idiot for even texting me at all that night.  Especially if you knew you were going to hang with some girl.  He apologized and said he wasn’t thinking.  Then this:

“Ever since we’ve been broken up, I’ve been trying to find someone who is just like you.  This girl I was dating – she’s a lot like you, but I realized I don’t want a replacement.  So I ended it with her.  I want the real thing.”

I still have feelings for him.  And yes, Riv, to answer your questions – he is husband material.  He is a Beta – he’s thoughtful, considerate, often places my needs before his own.  He always treated me with kindness and respect, and didn’t want anything from me but to just BE with me…  He would be a good husband and an even better father.  He’s a bit lacking in the career and goals department – I don’t feel like he can keep up with me, but I’m being told I shouldn’t be so “picky”.  Whatever that means…

He is a good man and if I let him, he will spend his life trying to make me happy.

So why aren’t I jumping at the chance to be with him again?

What is the difference between Martin and all these other guys I’ve been spending time with over the past 2 years…?

The difference is that Martin fucked up.  Big time.  And when he did, he broke my heart, and it still hurts.  GT and the rest of the guys I’ve dated haven’t fucked up like that yet.  So I give them a shot, while Martin waits in the wings.

I don’t want to keep looking for “Prince Charming” who I KNOW doesn’t exist, and then blink, and as Riv is always ALWAYS telling me, years have gone by and my youth and good looks and social value is gone and then I’m a cougar…

But I just don’t know how to forgive him.  I still resent him and I need to get over it.  I hang onto my resentment because it protects me from being hurt by him again.  Ugh, that is so bitter and awful sounding, but it’s the honest truth.

Posted in Martin, The Men in My Life, WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 30 Comments »

Why so serious?

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 9, 2010


Seriously.  Why so serious?  Can we just have a little fun here?

Was going to post a pic of the Joker, but this seemed less threatening. And the finger smiley face is kinda cute...

 

Posted in WTF | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

 
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