Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

“You’re intimidating”

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 26, 2011


Although I have already decided that GT isn’t a long term match for me, there is something that is bothering me and I wanted to throw it out there to my readers.

What does it mean when a man says “You’re intimidating.”??

A little about me to give you a big picture:

1.  I’m a lawyer and I’ve been practicing for over 5 years now, but I don’t go around shoving it in people’s faces.  Often, I play it down, and don’t talk about it too much.   If I can avoid saying what I do for a living, I will.  Not because I’m not proud of it, but because I always get some weird reaction from it and I’d just as soon as not deal with it.

2.  I make good money.  I’m not the type to tell people what I make (here in LA, there are LOTS of people who feel they need to tell you how much they make, or how much something costs) I don’t go around telling people I’m rich, but I do have expensive taste and it tends to show.  Chanel, Gucci, Prada, Chloe, and Louis are all very close friends of mine…

3.  I will admit I am high maintainence – I get my nails and hair done religiously. I get my teeth whitened, and they are straight as an arrow.  I also get my eyebrows shaped, have done microderm abrasion, and laser hair removal.  I also have a bad shoe habit and like to get the latest gadgets.  Do I talk about this with guys I’m dating?  Not initially, no.  Do I ever expect anyone else to pay for any of that stuff? No.  I can pay for it myself.  Is it likely that people notice all this stuff?  Yes.  And no, I haven’t gotten any plastic surgery.

4. I’m aggressive in my job, but not the same way in my personal life.  I turn that off when I don’t have my lawyer hat on.  I would say I’m assertive and actually pretty easy going.

5.  I can be a ridiculous pushover and sucker.  The problem is that I see the good in everyone, doesn’t matter who they are, or what they did, I find something redeeming about everyone, even if I don’t like them as a person.  It’s also a good thing that I see people that way, but it gets me into trouble just as much as it benefits me.

Here’s the conversation between me and GT:

AK: I really need you to be more consistent with me.  I’m not saying I want to know if you’re my boyfriend or not, I’m just saying you should follow through with what you say you’re going to follow through with.

GT: The problem is that you’re intimidating…

AK: (puzzled look) How have I been intimidating you?

GT: It’s not anything you’re doing…it’s who you are…you’re secure in your life and I’m not. My life has been on hold for a long time because of x, y, z  (editing to protect his privacy).  And until I can a, b, c the x, y, z, then I won’t be in a position to give you what I know you deserve.

AK: But I know about x, y, and z, and it doesn’t bother me at all.  If it did, I wouldn’t be sitting here with you right now.

GT: I know it doesn’t because you’re such a sweet girl.  And when I think about you and me, of course I’m thinking long term…. Like, what are your parents going to think when they meet me?

AK: My parents? (Head cocked, eyes wide)

GT: Yeah, your parents.  I can tell they adore you and I don’t think they would like me very much because of x, y, z.

AK: My parents?  Why are we talking about my parents?

GT: Because I’ve been thinking about that…

AK: But why? I think you’re getting ahead of yourself.  It’s too soon for a conversation about you meeting my parents.  Let’s just figure out whether we are compatible with each other before we start throwing in family and what not…

GT: It’s just intimidating is all…

I see how he deflected his behavior onto me – I tell him he’s inconsistent and he basically says it’s my fault.  What he’s really saying is that because he’s starting to figure out that he won’t match up to me, there’s no point in him being consistent and reliable because he’s already decided it won’t go anywhere….  Another possibility is that he’s trying to intentionally mess with my head, but I didn’t get the sense that he was.  At least that’s my take on it.

But this “You’re intimidating” thing has come up several times with different guys so I’m curious what my readers think… Thoughts?

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Posted in Grand Theft (GT), Guys are Jerks, Hm. Inneresting..., WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 35 Comments »

Celibate from intimacy…?

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 22, 2011


Since breaking up with T I have dated a few guys and have had sex with them, but I can say that I have never really achieved that level of intimacy that I’ve been craving.

Intimacy, at least for me, is something that takes a long time to build.  I have had sex with men and been affectionate, warm, and inviting, but not truly intimate.  It’s that unspoken familiarity between two people – feeling comfortable enough to curl up next to someone without restraint, knowing exactly how they are going to put their arms around you… those are the things that I miss.  

Sure, sex often leads to cuddling, affection, hand holding and kisses on the forehead, but it’s not the same.  I can have sex with someone and be responsive and engaged…but without the intimacy, without love…it’s not the same.  I hold back – GT and I have only really had sex the one time and things with him are so inconsistent that I hold back emotionally as well.  Not physically so much…maybe just a little because I’m still self-conscious, but with true intimacy, all that self-consciousness is wiped away.

I realize that the last person I was truly intimate with was T.  About 6 or 7 months ago we had had a brief tryst and it was there.   But it was bitter for me… And were my judgment to falter  again and I called him up, we’d probably attack each other as if there hadn’t been any time between us.  And though it might feel strange to feel that intimate with someone who has hurt me so much, it would be there anyway.

I now know that I could never have any realistic long term situation with GT, and frankly his inconsistency is beginning to wear on me.  The excitement of getting to know someone has faded – I am far too old to put up with games, whether they are inadvertent or not.  The little I have gleaned from him leads me to believe that although he may genuinely like me, he is far too selfish a person for me to ever seriously consider being with.  He is still caught up in the rockstar lifestyle and has a million balls in the air…I’m not foolish enough to think that he will ever change who he is – I learned a long time ago that you must take a man for who he is and never expect him to be anything but that.

I cannot say that I am sad.  Or unhappy.  I’m not either of these things.  But I miss feeling the weight of a man that I love on top of me.  I miss being able to wake up in the morning with a man I love fumbling with the sheets to get closer to me so I can feel his breath on my neck… I miss cooking for a man!  Haha, never thought I’d feel that way…  These are the treasures you get when you are intimate with someone.  And I have been celibate from these treasures for a long time…

Posted in Grand Theft (GT), Hm. Inneresting..., T----, Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments »

Just be happy.

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 17, 2011


View from my balcony - the sun is just barely coming up.

As I type this I am sitting on my enormous balcony overlooking the Sea of Cortez.  The sun is rising, and I can see the gentle splash of the water against the rocks on the beach.  Roaring softly in my ear, the sea is calming and a beautiful blue, clear and refreshing.  This is the most peaceful I have been in a long time.

I’ve been here in Cabo San Lucas for 4 days and today is my last.  It was a short vacation, but exactly what I needed to recharge.  Working as hard as I do, I’ve been lucky enough to be able to afford a luxurious ocean front room with top notch service.  Every need I’ve had has been attended to on this trip and as I sit here, taking in this beautiful view, it’s made me think.

My life is just fine.  In fact, my life is great.

Like many 31 year old women I have worried about finding someone to spend my life with, as if that will complete me.  I worry about being alone, being filled with regret, and being unhappy.  But a woman with laser like focus on finding a man, and the aforementioned worries, is anything but attractive and is everything most men run screaming from.  Just as pursuit of sex has gotten me into trouble, sparking the original, and now defunct Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010, I think the ragged pursuit of a life partner will also land me into trouble.

I’m not saying I want to stay single forever.  And I realize that many PUA’s will tell me that I’m running out of time and that my youth and beauty will fade… I know all this.  I have no illusions of trying to compete with women in their 20’s.  I know, short of plastic surgery, that my skin will sag, the wrinkles will one day set, and my lusturous mane of dark hair, will eventually turn grey.  But I’m willing to take that risk.  I would rather be old, happy, and single, than young, married and with a man who can’t make me happy.  

But if I just keep living my life, and being happy with it, then that happiness will attract the right person. Happiness is like a magnet.  Ever been at a party and hear a group of people laughing at something?  Maybe you look over and wonder what they’re laughing at, what’s so funny…?  You’re curious, you’re attracted, and you want to find out.  You want to know what’s so funny, so you can laugh too.

I think that’s my new approach – just be happy.  I am luckier than most people to have the life I live.  Some of that is a product of hard work, (this vacation wasn’t cheap), and some is the product of absolute luck.  So why focus on the things I don’t have?

Just be happy.

Posted in Just be happy | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments »

2011? Business as usual…

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 2, 2011


New Years posts are supposed to reflect on the year behind you and declare the changes you are going to make for a better you in the coming year.  Yeah…Am I supposed to say something profound?

It would’ve been nice to have still been continuing my celibacy project into 2011 since I quite enjoyed typing “The Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-2011.”  That was fun.  But oh well.  That’s really the only thing I can think of…

Setting goals is important, but you should be setting them all the time, not just for your New Years Resolution.  I can’t stand that doctors offices and gyms are the busiest in the first quarter of every year.  It’s annoying.  The gyms are packed, my doctor is booked…I don’t like it…

So I’m just going to go about living (and blogging) the way I normally do.  I think I happen to be over-analytical and reflective anyway, so this being the time for New Years Resolutions is actually unnecessary for me.  I’m not saying that it is unnecessary for me to change or to set goals or that I am perfect and have done everything right.  I really don’t think that.  It’s just that this evolution I’ve been trying to achieve has been a work in progress all my life and especially the last 2 years…

SO, business as usual.  Here’s how the NYE party turned out:

I got nice and liquored up to be able to handle the potential New Years Eve Party Disaster.  Only 2 out of the 3 suitors showed up.  Martin being the first. I chatted with him and was totally polite.  Then Bathroom Makeout Guy (BMG) showed up.  The minute he walked through the door, it was on.

He has what I call a “lingering touch” meaning he leaves his hand or arm there just a little bit longer to let you know he’s interested.  I had to dodge Martin but field these little flirtations here and there.  It was totally hot.   At one point we were in the kitchen and he was making me a drink.  With no one within ear shot I scolded him for opening his big mouth about our bathroom makeout session on Halloween (his roommate is one of my best guy friends and thinks BMG is a dog and doesn’t want me anywhere near him-I got an earful from said guy friend about the whole thing).  BMG tells me that he didn’t say anything and that my friend caught him slinking out of the bathroom right after me  (God, I am SO classy, lol).

At this point I am about 6 or 7 drinks deep but still able to edit myself whenever I see Martin walk in the room and I’m talking to BMG.  Of course, I think I’m being smooth but a friend of mine came up to me and was asking about that guy I was flirting with so maybe I wasn’t so slick.  I figure I have been pretty straight forward with Martin and I should just do what I want and if his feelings are hurt, then that’s his fault for even showing up.  Still…I try to play it nice and make sure not to be too obvious in front of Martin.    So BMG and I continue to steal moments with each other throughout the party.  He stands a little too close, brushes his arm against my back as we walks by, plays with my hair when he thinks no one is looking…very sexy.

Did I mention BMG does MMA and his body is sick??  Anyway…

The NYE countdown happens. I do not kiss BMG or Martin.  But I am WASTED at this point.  Not sick wasted, but happy-go-lucky-wasted where everyone is my best friend and the world is wonderful.

A little bit later BMG lets me know he’s leaving. We unfortunately could not sneak away for any bathroom fun during the party as it was a pretty small gathering and it would’ve been noticed by everyone.  He has me walk him out – the rest of his friends are halfway to the sidewalk heading towards the cab. I’m standing at the door my body still inside the house but my head peaking through.  We both look to see that no one is watching and he grabs my face and plants a kiss on me.

I remember passing out on the couch but I ended up sleeping on the living room floor of my friends house.  People are still up partying but I am too drunk and tired to do anything but snore.  At 3 AM I get a text from GT wishing me Happy New Year.

All in all, it was a great way to start 2011.

 

 

 

Posted in Bathroom Makeout Guy (BMG), Grand Theft (GT), Martin | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments »

Anticipating a New Years Eve Disaster

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 31, 2010


New Years Eve.  A time for reflection.  A time for celebration.  A time for…disaster?

My friend Sharon decided to have a party this year, as last years NYE was a bit boring.  She sent the evite out a few weeks ago.  I didn’t bother to look at the invite list and simply replied “yes”.  Sharon is one of my best friends and it was a given that I would be going to this party, since everyone I know is going to be there too.

Sharon is also friends with Martin.  Martin of the “I’m still in love with you” nonsense.  She invited him.  What was I supposed to say?  She felt awkward about not inviting him even though she knows everything that’s been going on between Martin and I.  So I said I would deal with it.

THEN I find out that the dude I made out with in the bathroom at Halloween is ALSO coming to the party.  And the Irish guy i had a crush on awhile back may also show up.

I get a text from Martin (although I did tell him I needed my space awhile back) telling me he’s picking up some stuff for the party and would I like anything.  I say no.  Then he asks if it’s going to be awkward if he shows up. I tell him no, it’s fine, he should come because I know Sharon wants him to.

SO, since Bathroom Makeout Guy is going to be there and he has a total hard on for me, I can just imagine myself trying to dodge his advances to preserve Martin’s feelings.  And I can just imagine how completely awkward it’s going to be when Irish Guy shows up and my friend’s husband starts trying to set us up (he’s hell bent on making it happen).

Thank goodness I don’t have to deal with GT since he’s with his daughter and in a very far away city.  But I still think I have my hands full. I should probably just drink myself ridiculous and hide in a closet or something…

Posted in WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments »

What to do…what to do…

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 27, 2010


So I’m at a point in my blogging life where I feel listless.  (The rest of my life is quite fabulous though, so there’s that…) Having ended the celibacy project, my blogging lacks a specific theme.  Always said I didn’t want to be another whiny dating blog – there are so many of them out there…

…yet, here I am, about to tell you about the latest GT development.

Some have suggested I start my celibacy project anew…that’s a possibility…but I think I would like to see exactly where this GT thing might go.  I haven’t completely written him off.  I did end up hearing from him, a lot later than I would have preferred, but I heard from him nonetheless.

I was a little bit annoyed when he called and I think he could tell.

GT: What’s up? What are you up to?

AK: Nothing.  Just smoking a cigarrette.

GT: That’s a bad habit.  You need to quit that. I should be the only bad habit you have…

AK:  Maybe I should quit that first…

A pause…

GT: So it’s like that, huh?

AK: Yep.

I got that jab in, but was polite for the rest of the conversation.  Having got the hint I was annoyed, he proceeded to tell me that right after he left my house he hopped on a plan last minute for work and was out of town for 3 days.  Doesn’t justify him failing to at least text me. Takes less than 10 seconds…but I didn’t want to get into it with him.  When we see each other again, I intend on letting him know that he needs to be a little bit more attentive in that regard. Especially since I let him stick his penis in my vagina…

Anyway, he then gave me his itinerary for the next 10 days – he’s going on a trip with his daughter and he’s doing x, y, and z fabulous industry related stuff while on the trip.  His schedule sounds packed and I already made up my mind not to expect to hear from him for the next 10 days.

GT: I know we’re both really busy, but we should try to talk at least every few days…

AK: Sounds good.

We texted each other Christmas Day and that’s about it.  No expectations = no disappointment.

After having been celibate for 4 months I thought that having sex with GT would have triggered a waterfall of sexual urges…but honestly…I’m not that horny.  Still haven’t opened up that new vibrator yet…I read back some of my old posts during the first 30 days of my celibacy project and I was like, geez, that girl sounds like an ANIMAL…

 

Posted in Grand Theft (GT) | 14 Comments »

And it counts!!!

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 20, 2010


Yep!  More than just the tip this time.

GT and I hung out this weekend. He invited me up to a party in a fancy schmancy area. I reluctantly said yes and was getting ready to drive up to meet him. He called me up and said he would come see me instead so I wouldn’t have to drive in the rain…

A few of my friends were over and he was polite and personable. We were going to head out to a bar but it was raining so hard we decided to stay in.  My friends left and it was just the 2 of us.

We stayed up until 4 in the morning talking. A few kisses here and there but for the most part we behaved.   He opened up quite a bit and I felt like we were really starting to get to know each other… He did try to impress me by name dropping quite a bit and showing off by calling a famous musician on the phone (who picked up) while we were watching his music video…  I don’t know if I was reacting the way he expected me too, but I could tell he was trying very hard. Here are some interesting tidbits from our conversation:

He made a point of talking to me about other chicks that he had dated in the past.  It got to the point where I was like, “Why are you telling me this?”  And then he was like, “Well I just want you to know I’m not like that anymore…I don’t want to just bang a bunch of chicks….What kind of dudes hit on you?  I bet you get hit on all the time”  Uhhh, no, not playing that game…. I didn’t answer and artfully changed the subject.  The way I interpreted it was that he was trying to show his value.  It came off as insecure though…

He told me he’s been breaking a lot of his own rules to hang out with me.  Like staying home on a Friday night, crashing an estrogen party (since a couple of my friends were over), driving with a broken tail light…

And here’s the BEST part…

While lying in bed (no sex yet):

GT: Wouldn’t that be funny if I got you pregnant?

AK: Uhhh, depends what your definition of funny is… (nervous laughing)

GT: No really, I bet your parents would freak out if you brought me home…

AK: (laughing…and glad the lights were out cuz I’m sure my face had this “WTF” look on it)

Silence

GT: What do you think our kids would look like?

AK: I don’t know if the world needs anymore Ashleees runinng around…

GT: I bet they would have your skin and my eyes…

AK: (Nervous laugher)  Maybe…

GT: Do you want kids?

AK: I think so, yes… not anytime soon, but I think I probably do…

GT: Well I’m glad I have my daughter already, cuz she’s amazing, but I probably would have kids again with the right person and the right situation.

We fell asleep talking and in the morning he woke me up and we had some sloppy morning sex.  It was good 🙂  Then we went back to sleep. He left later in the morning.

Thoughts?  Questions? So what now?

Posted in Crushes during Celibacy, Grand Theft (GT), Hm. Inneresting... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 28 Comments »

Re-Focus

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 15, 2010


I have been too focused on GT. Time to re-focus on something more important – myself! So here is what I’ve done so far to encourage this:

1. Finally, FINALLY going on vacation! My schedule has been cleared and I am going on a tropical vacation for 6 glorious days. I’ve been working like a dog lately and haven’t gone in 2 years.

2. Been playing the guitar every night and I’m planning on doing an open mic soon. I used to do them all the time and haven’t done one in 5 years.

3. Re-organizing my garage – that thing is a mess! Still even have some of T’s old stuff in there…time to throw it out.

Focus focus focus. See? All hope for me is not lost. 🙂

Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments »

Losing Momentum to Gain Full Entry to my Vagina

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 11, 2010


So GT had good momentum at first – after our Just the Tip Game, he called and texted and was very attentive. It felt nice that it didn’t feel like a game – he called and texted when he wanted to and I answered and texted back when he did.

So I had to be out of town this weekend and I called him to see if he wanted to get together before I left. We were both pretty busy during the week but we decided to meet halfway Weds night – I was at a party at a bar and he was going to meet me up.

He came but couldn’t stay for too long. He met some of my friends and was polite and friendly. We had a good time. We kissed for a bit and he had to go. I asked him to text me when he got home so I know he got home alright. He did.

I texted him the next day and said it was nice seeing him and thanked him for coming out.

Haven’t heard from him since.

Perhaps for some this would be considered his effort to build interest or push/pull or whatever….

But what its doing for me is making me doubtful. Although he’s already gotten the tip in, in my mind, he has not assured himself full entry into my vagina.

I started thinking about this after reading Paul the Kings recent post on momentum http://paultheking.wordpress.com/2010/12/10/the-power-of-momentum-nsfw/.

Basically, for him to keep my panties wet, he’s going to have to put more work in. He may *think* that he’s in, but now I’m having doubts about it.

I don’t like Hot and Cold. Him not responding to me does not make me want to jump his bones. Keeping in touch with me via text or phone is like foreplay – it keeps that momentum going and increases the likelihood of sex as well as decreases the amount of time I will make him wait for full access.

Whereas I was previously trying to figure out WHEN we would sleep together, now I’m trying to figure out WHETHER I will…

Thoughts??

Posted in Uncategorized | 34 Comments »

I guess the tip counts – the end of the AK Celibacy Project 2010 (in detail!)

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 6, 2010


Ok, so it’s over!  According to the comments on the last post, and other feedback I’ve been receiving, the tip counts, and the Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-2011, is officially over.

Disappointed?  Sad?  Surprised?  Expectant? No one cares no one cares no one cares?  Haha, well…

Since the project officially ended on Friday night I’ve had some time to reflect.  I’m a little disappointed myself, but all in all, I think I’m ok. I’ve learned some things about myself and really that was the whole point, right?

But before I get into all that, as promised, for Racer X, here is the Last Temptation of AK, in more detail:

Friday afternoon I get a call from GT.  We chat for a few minutes and he asks me what I’m doing that night. I tell him I’ve planned a night in watching a Zombie film and that I’m planning to lay low.  He tells me he’s taking his friend Betty (who I’ve met) out to dinner for a belated birthday present but he’s not sure what he’s doing afterwards.  I can tell he’s waiting for me to say something like, oh we should hang out, but I say nothing.  Then he says, well if I’m up by your neck of the woods, I’ll call you.  Ok, have fun tonight, I tell him, fully not expecting to hear from him at all.

A couple hours later I get a text from him – he is staying on a yacht tonight and invites me down for some drinks.  Hm.  I wait about 10 or 15 minutes before I text back, pondering whether I should go and exactly how much trouble I’m willing to get into tonight.  I throw caution to the wind and text him back yes.

Then, in true AK fashion I begin to worry.   I’d be driving very far to get where he is…if we have drinks and I get too drunk, I can’t exactly cab it home…is he expecting sex?  Am I a cheap whore if I drive down there to hang out tonight…?  And more importantly…what am I going to wear??

I decide the best thing to do is give myself options – I don’t want to be stuck staying with him on the yacht with the expectation of sex so I find a nice hotel room right by the harbor and book it.

I get there and he gives me a big hug and kiss.   It turns out Betty is there too.  It’s the three of us…

Have I been roped into a threesome?!

I panic slightly for a second but don’t let it show.  It’s actually nice to see Betty – she’s really sweet and I’m trying to set her up with one of my friends.  Although I still don’t know what the angle is with her being there,. I just play it cool and decide to enjoy myself and see what happens…

He makes us some drinks and we all start chatting.  At first I’m a little nervous around GT and it turns out he’s a little nervous around me.  Having another female there sets me at ease and I’m able to talk with her and observe him observing me, and yeah, he’s nervous!  He won’t sit next to me.  He keeps standing up.  Then when he sits down next to me, he’ll put his arm around me, but he won’t sit for very long.  Then he’ll get up again and fiddle with the music.

At this point I’ve already let him know that I’m staying at hotel.  He’s surprised and asks why I’m not staying on the boat with him and Betty and I just smile and shrug my shoulders.  He says, that’s ok, I’ll be following you back to the hotel…I tell him, ok that’s fine, if you want to sleep on the balcony.  He smiles back.  He goes outside to mess with some control on the boat and it’s just me and Betty.

At this point Betty and I have established a comraderie.

AK: Is it just me, or does he seem nervous?

B:  He’s nervous.  You intimidate him.

AK: I do?  How so? (This girl is AWESOME giving me the inside scoop)

B: He can’t impress you like he tries to impress other girls.  He’s not sure what to do.

I find this interesting since our lunch date he seemed so calm and cool.

AK: Ohhh.  Am I doing something to make him nervous?

B:  No, no, you’re fine!  You’re being cool.  He just doesn’t know what to do around you.  You’re different (I hear all the alphas, quietly chuckling).

I’m about 3 or 4 drinks deep and definitely tipsy. I start the prowl.   As he’s giving me a tour of the boat, I grab his hand, pull him in and kiss him.  He’s a little surprised, but as I turn around and head up the stairs, he says, “You’re a baaad girl huh?” and smacks my ass.  I jump a bit, giggle and head up the stairs smiling….

GT wants to come back to the hotel with me and leave Betty on the yacht.  I tell him no, he can’t do that, he needs to stay with her on the boat.  She insists he goes with me. (Whew, they weren’t trying to rope me in for a threesome!).  I’m finally convinced (drink 5 or 6?).

We get back to the hotel.  It’s very nice view with an ocean view (I’m a baller – I don’t mess around).  He’s impressed.  I put some music on.  We climb into bed…

We start cuddling.  I have my face nuzzled in his neck.  I’m wearing nothing but a t-shirt and my underwear.  He has his arm around me.  I start kissing him on the neck and the cheek.  He doesn’t move his face at all.  Hmm, Drunk AK is starting to think maybe GT isn’t attracted to her…Drunk AK thinks why isn’t he attacking me??  Drunk AK wants to know why he isn’t kissing back??

Drunk AK: Kiss me.  What’s wrong?

GT:  Nothing is wrong.

He kisses me finally on the lips.  No tongue.  WTF, Drunk AK thinks…I need some tongue action here…

GT:  We have plenty of time to have sex. There’s no rush.

Wait, wait, plenty of time? Tonight?  Or…what does he mean?  Shit.  I’m freaking drunk.

Drunk AK: Who said anything about sex?  I just want you to kiss me.

At this point I’m cooing in his ear and pressing my body tight against his.  He remains frozen.

GT:  I really really need you to be a good girl.  You don’t understand…

Drunk AK: I don’t?  My hands are rubbing his arm and chest as I softly kiss his cheek.

GT: Trust me.  Let’s just lay here.

Drunk AK isn’t really listening and I grab his face and give him the most seductive kiss I can muster in my drunken state.  Then, as if a switch is flipped, he’s kissing me back.  His hands are everywhere, on my nipples, in my hair, grabbing my face, rubbing me over my underwear.  We are tearing at each other.

He flips me onto my side and his hands are all over my ass, my breasts, my stomach.  He is grinding into me and I’m grinding back.  He’s hard.  Very hard.  And I can tell he’s big.  (Thank God).  He slides a hand underneath my underwear and says, “Oh god, you’re so wet.”

I guess that’s what 4 months of sexual frustration will do.

Next thing you know, he’s on top of me and he starts to slide it in.  Keep in mind, it’s been 4 months and I’m a little tight – haven’t been using the Rabbit since it broke and I didn’t really use the dildo part of it anyway.  I gasp and he says, “Oh my god, you’re so tight…”

The tip is in.  We’re staring straight into each others eyes and even though I want this guy to completely tear me a part all night long.  I stop him.  I can tell he doesn’t want to stop and that it takes a lot for him to disengage and move from between my legs.  We are both breathing heavily as he lays down next to me.  See? He says.  That’s why I didn’t want to kiss you back…

He spent the night and left around 10 am with a kiss goodbye.   He texted me later in the day and then called yesterday.  He’s been attentive and sweet so far.

Things for me to keep in mind:

1.  Just because I’m interested in someone doesn’t mean I can’t still work on the relationship with myself.  Perhaps this is a good exercise in balance – can I date GT while maintaining the relationship with myself?  I think the answer is yes.

2.  Don’t get drunk the next time I’m trying not to have sex.

3.  Just because he put the tip in doesn’t mean we now have to start screwing like rabbits.

4.  Apparently 1 year of celibacy is unrealistic for AK.  But it’s all about the process – being able to blog about my thoughts and experiences and get feedback has been amazing.

Day 98/365 the AK Celibacy Project Ends.

Thoughts on the end of the project?  The tip?  Betty?  Should I continue to blog?

Posted in Guys are awesome, Near slip ups!, Sexytime | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 53 Comments »

 
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