Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Posts Tagged ‘Blog’

Apathy is the new black

Posted by ashleeekaren on May 5, 2011


…at least for me it is.

I have been silent for awhile… and no, it’s not because I have been having all sorts of amazing sex…it’s because I’ve been apathetic.

Where did this all start??

I found out Martin has a new girlfriend… stupid Facebook.  I hate Facebook…  I didn’t even go on there and my friend had to shove it in my face early one morning…  And even though I had let Martin go, couldn’t bear to keep him around as a beta orbiter for my own selfish needs, I never in a MILLION years expected to react the way I did…

Which was to start crying and then go day drinking and end up a puddled, blabbering mess by 4pm.

I think that triggered it…

And then a couple weeks later, every freaking loser I’ve dated and then subsequently ignored called me.  Monday – Loser #1, Tuesday Loser #2, Weds – ran into Loser #3.   Then on Thurs went out on a date with Old Dorky Guy #1 who, from his pics, looked about 20 years younger than he actually did in person. (eharmony date – needless to say, I cancelled my subscription shortly after).  Did I mention that Loser #1 had actually called and texted me a couple weeks before that Monday, and I ignored him then too?? OH, and did I mention that the Evil T also texted that same weekend.

All of this put me in an emotional tizzy. I’m sensitive.  TOO sensitive, and I think it was time that something…snapped.  I’m sick of allowing these men to affect me the way they do.

And as Rivelino advised me awhile back – don’t just write about dating – write about what you want.

And here’s what I want –

I don’t want to feel anything.

I am not very good at dating.  I don’t think I ever have been.  I am good at getting dates, but not actually dating. I lose my head. I fall in love, I get my feelings hurt, and my heart broken.  No more.

What have any of these relationships ever done for me?  Nothing.  NOTHING!  Well, maybe I’ve learned a lesson or two, the most important being: DON’T DATE ANYMORE!

And I’m not here to blame it on men.  Although some of them are jerks, but just as many of them are nice.  It’s really all my fault.  All of it.  All the bad decisions, the bruised pride, the shattered heart… all of it is my fault.  And I don’t seem to be changing my tune, because I still go after the bad boys and they still go after me.   Ok, ok, admittedly, the 2 nice guys I’ve gone out with in the past 3 years since I’ve been single weren’t exactly matches for me – one wore his button up shirt unbuttoned too low showing his gaudy gold chain, which only emphasized the tragedy of his pointy alligator shoes… and the other…well… the other nice guy had a small penis and talked too much.  Again, not a match.

So I’ve turned off the emotions.  Stopped responding to male attention – for example was hit on yesterday at the grocery store, guy chatted me up in the frozen section and nearly stalked me around the store until checkout.  Then told me how sexy I was in the parking lot.  He was totally my type.  He gave me his number.  I’ve already thrown it away.  Ron has been texting me a lot lately too and haven’t responded to any of his texts…

And yes, I know this means I’m wasting what little beauty my quickly waning youth has afforded me.  But this just beats the alternative – up and down, left and right, feeling happy, then sad, then stupid and resentful.  Enough already.

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Posted in Hm. Inneresting..., Just. Awful., Martin, Ron, Rules, T----, WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments »

Blogcockblock

Posted by ashleeekaren on March 4, 2011


The old Ashleee would’ve pretended to want a friends with benefits situation while secretly hoping he would change his mind.  The new Ashleee (with the help of some colorful comments on this blog and a good book) is learning and knows better.  After springing an Alpha move on me which I rejected, we had a surprisingly honest, adult conversation about our differing interests and amicably ended things.

So Solomon, I don’t know what his ceiling looks like, nor do I expect to – my womb is ready for us to bring forth the Anti-Christ.

Posted in Hm. Inneresting..., The Men in My Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments »

I guess the tip counts – the end of the AK Celibacy Project 2010 (in detail!)

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 6, 2010


Ok, so it’s over!  According to the comments on the last post, and other feedback I’ve been receiving, the tip counts, and the Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-2011, is officially over.

Disappointed?  Sad?  Surprised?  Expectant? No one cares no one cares no one cares?  Haha, well…

Since the project officially ended on Friday night I’ve had some time to reflect.  I’m a little disappointed myself, but all in all, I think I’m ok. I’ve learned some things about myself and really that was the whole point, right?

But before I get into all that, as promised, for Racer X, here is the Last Temptation of AK, in more detail:

Friday afternoon I get a call from GT.  We chat for a few minutes and he asks me what I’m doing that night. I tell him I’ve planned a night in watching a Zombie film and that I’m planning to lay low.  He tells me he’s taking his friend Betty (who I’ve met) out to dinner for a belated birthday present but he’s not sure what he’s doing afterwards.  I can tell he’s waiting for me to say something like, oh we should hang out, but I say nothing.  Then he says, well if I’m up by your neck of the woods, I’ll call you.  Ok, have fun tonight, I tell him, fully not expecting to hear from him at all.

A couple hours later I get a text from him – he is staying on a yacht tonight and invites me down for some drinks.  Hm.  I wait about 10 or 15 minutes before I text back, pondering whether I should go and exactly how much trouble I’m willing to get into tonight.  I throw caution to the wind and text him back yes.

Then, in true AK fashion I begin to worry.   I’d be driving very far to get where he is…if we have drinks and I get too drunk, I can’t exactly cab it home…is he expecting sex?  Am I a cheap whore if I drive down there to hang out tonight…?  And more importantly…what am I going to wear??

I decide the best thing to do is give myself options – I don’t want to be stuck staying with him on the yacht with the expectation of sex so I find a nice hotel room right by the harbor and book it.

I get there and he gives me a big hug and kiss.   It turns out Betty is there too.  It’s the three of us…

Have I been roped into a threesome?!

I panic slightly for a second but don’t let it show.  It’s actually nice to see Betty – she’s really sweet and I’m trying to set her up with one of my friends.  Although I still don’t know what the angle is with her being there,. I just play it cool and decide to enjoy myself and see what happens…

He makes us some drinks and we all start chatting.  At first I’m a little nervous around GT and it turns out he’s a little nervous around me.  Having another female there sets me at ease and I’m able to talk with her and observe him observing me, and yeah, he’s nervous!  He won’t sit next to me.  He keeps standing up.  Then when he sits down next to me, he’ll put his arm around me, but he won’t sit for very long.  Then he’ll get up again and fiddle with the music.

At this point I’ve already let him know that I’m staying at hotel.  He’s surprised and asks why I’m not staying on the boat with him and Betty and I just smile and shrug my shoulders.  He says, that’s ok, I’ll be following you back to the hotel…I tell him, ok that’s fine, if you want to sleep on the balcony.  He smiles back.  He goes outside to mess with some control on the boat and it’s just me and Betty.

At this point Betty and I have established a comraderie.

AK: Is it just me, or does he seem nervous?

B:  He’s nervous.  You intimidate him.

AK: I do?  How so? (This girl is AWESOME giving me the inside scoop)

B: He can’t impress you like he tries to impress other girls.  He’s not sure what to do.

I find this interesting since our lunch date he seemed so calm and cool.

AK: Ohhh.  Am I doing something to make him nervous?

B:  No, no, you’re fine!  You’re being cool.  He just doesn’t know what to do around you.  You’re different (I hear all the alphas, quietly chuckling).

I’m about 3 or 4 drinks deep and definitely tipsy. I start the prowl.   As he’s giving me a tour of the boat, I grab his hand, pull him in and kiss him.  He’s a little surprised, but as I turn around and head up the stairs, he says, “You’re a baaad girl huh?” and smacks my ass.  I jump a bit, giggle and head up the stairs smiling….

GT wants to come back to the hotel with me and leave Betty on the yacht.  I tell him no, he can’t do that, he needs to stay with her on the boat.  She insists he goes with me. (Whew, they weren’t trying to rope me in for a threesome!).  I’m finally convinced (drink 5 or 6?).

We get back to the hotel.  It’s very nice view with an ocean view (I’m a baller – I don’t mess around).  He’s impressed.  I put some music on.  We climb into bed…

We start cuddling.  I have my face nuzzled in his neck.  I’m wearing nothing but a t-shirt and my underwear.  He has his arm around me.  I start kissing him on the neck and the cheek.  He doesn’t move his face at all.  Hmm, Drunk AK is starting to think maybe GT isn’t attracted to her…Drunk AK thinks why isn’t he attacking me??  Drunk AK wants to know why he isn’t kissing back??

Drunk AK: Kiss me.  What’s wrong?

GT:  Nothing is wrong.

He kisses me finally on the lips.  No tongue.  WTF, Drunk AK thinks…I need some tongue action here…

GT:  We have plenty of time to have sex. There’s no rush.

Wait, wait, plenty of time? Tonight?  Or…what does he mean?  Shit.  I’m freaking drunk.

Drunk AK: Who said anything about sex?  I just want you to kiss me.

At this point I’m cooing in his ear and pressing my body tight against his.  He remains frozen.

GT:  I really really need you to be a good girl.  You don’t understand…

Drunk AK: I don’t?  My hands are rubbing his arm and chest as I softly kiss his cheek.

GT: Trust me.  Let’s just lay here.

Drunk AK isn’t really listening and I grab his face and give him the most seductive kiss I can muster in my drunken state.  Then, as if a switch is flipped, he’s kissing me back.  His hands are everywhere, on my nipples, in my hair, grabbing my face, rubbing me over my underwear.  We are tearing at each other.

He flips me onto my side and his hands are all over my ass, my breasts, my stomach.  He is grinding into me and I’m grinding back.  He’s hard.  Very hard.  And I can tell he’s big.  (Thank God).  He slides a hand underneath my underwear and says, “Oh god, you’re so wet.”

I guess that’s what 4 months of sexual frustration will do.

Next thing you know, he’s on top of me and he starts to slide it in.  Keep in mind, it’s been 4 months and I’m a little tight – haven’t been using the Rabbit since it broke and I didn’t really use the dildo part of it anyway.  I gasp and he says, “Oh my god, you’re so tight…”

The tip is in.  We’re staring straight into each others eyes and even though I want this guy to completely tear me a part all night long.  I stop him.  I can tell he doesn’t want to stop and that it takes a lot for him to disengage and move from between my legs.  We are both breathing heavily as he lays down next to me.  See? He says.  That’s why I didn’t want to kiss you back…

He spent the night and left around 10 am with a kiss goodbye.   He texted me later in the day and then called yesterday.  He’s been attentive and sweet so far.

Things for me to keep in mind:

1.  Just because I’m interested in someone doesn’t mean I can’t still work on the relationship with myself.  Perhaps this is a good exercise in balance – can I date GT while maintaining the relationship with myself?  I think the answer is yes.

2.  Don’t get drunk the next time I’m trying not to have sex.

3.  Just because he put the tip in doesn’t mean we now have to start screwing like rabbits.

4.  Apparently 1 year of celibacy is unrealistic for AK.  But it’s all about the process – being able to blog about my thoughts and experiences and get feedback has been amazing.

Day 98/365 the AK Celibacy Project Ends.

Thoughts on the end of the project?  The tip?  Betty?  Should I continue to blog?

Posted in Guys are awesome, Near slip ups!, Sexytime | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 53 Comments »

Time to re-boot

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 2, 2010


Just reading over some of my recent posts and considering all the comments that have been made and you know what?!  I need to re-boot.

I started this blog so that I could document my celibacy project, and in the past few weeks it’s turned into just another dating blog… For shame, Ashleee Karen, for SHAME.

So I’m re-booting.   Time to go back to where I started – trying not to have sex for a year and using that year to explore me and who I am.  Who is AK?  What does AK want? Where does AK see herself in the next 5 years?  And why is AK writing in the 3rd person???

Now, there’s nothing wrong with dating blogs – I read some of them quite enthusiastically…but if I lose sight of the theme of this blog, then I lose sight of this project and I don’t want to do that.  Reading the last few posts, I’m like, so annoyed with myself.  I just wanna scream SHUT THE %#$! UP ASHLEEE! I will probably talk about dudes here and there, and I will give you guys updates on GT and Martin if any become available, but only as it pertains to my project.  SO this is where I’ve decided to leave things with those guys:

GT: If it happens, it happens.  If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.  He called the other day but I didn’t even care enough to post about it.  I’m not going to get drawn into his world…not because I’m a princess or I think I’m so unique or so wonderful, but because the more I’m drawn into what he wants, thinks, needs, and does, the less time I have to concentrate on what I want, think, need, and do.

Martin: I am going to give myself 3 months and re-visit the issue then. I honestly just don’t want to deal with him right now.  I’m still upset with him and I need to figure out why, and how I can stop, before I even consider going out on a date with the guy.

See, this is what I do.  I tell myself, no I’m not gonna date, I’m going to take a break, blah blah blah blah.  And then inevitably some dude comes along and wants to take me out, or some loser ex crawls out of some godforsaken hole with all these feelings and crap, and then all of a sudden it’s like, OHHHH, what should I do? What should I do??

It’s annoying.  I annoy myself.  Who CARES about these dudes?  I need to stop using these men as a distraction from myself and just learn to BE.  Be AK, not AKwhoisdatingGT, or AKwhoMartinwantstodateagain.  Just be AK.

SO,  Ctrl, Alt and Del!

Which brings us to this:

Today is Day 97/365 of the Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-11.

Days since Actual sex? 116.

Days until my new vibrator arrives?  5-7 business days.

😉

Posted in Trying to Maintain..., Uncategorized, Why I'm doing this | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments »

Day 76/365 – The Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-11

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 11, 2010


Day 76!  I have to admit last week I thought there was a chance that today I would have to re-set the counter to Day 0.  S had texted me last week, wanting to hook up today.  I said yes, but I knew he’d flake.  And guess what? He did!  But you know what, that’s ok.  The more time that passes by, and the more feedback I’ve been getting on this blog, the better I feel about actually achieving this goal.

What’s nice is that I”ve found some other blogs (see links on the right) that have similar goals to mine. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone.

I think it’s time to take stock of a couple  things I’ve learned so far:

1.  Although we are creatures driven by biological need to have sex and reproduce, we can control it.

2.  But at the same time, there is no shame in enjoying sex or admitting that you enjoy it.  Sex is SUPPOSED to be enjoyable. If it wasn’t so enjoyable, the human race would’ve died out a long time ago.

3.  Sounds elementary but people are both attracted to and threatened by blatant sexuality.  Sometimes separately.  Sometimes at the same time. Sometimes they don’t even know it.

There are more of course, but these are just the ones I’ve been mulling over lately.

As part of the Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-11, I have picked up 2 books:

1.  Marry Him, by Lori Gottilieb

2.  The Secret Lives of Men, by Christopher Blazina

Rivelino has been telling me to pick up the first book for some time now, and I ran across the second book at the library (yes – I still go to the library.  There’s something about checking out books that I love.  I’ve loved the library since I was a little girl…)  I’m thinking about doing a chapter by chapter post about both of those books but the second one is super long!

Thoughts?

Posted in Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments »

Why so serious?

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 9, 2010


Seriously.  Why so serious?  Can we just have a little fun here?

Was going to post a pic of the Joker, but this seemed less threatening. And the finger smiley face is kinda cute...

 

Posted in WTF | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

Why I’m doing this

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 9, 2010


I am a 31 year old woman and I am not ashamed to say that I’m still working on figuring things out.  

I have been asked several times why I am doing this little celibacy project.  I think there several theories floating around out there.  Here are some that I have gleaned from comments and emails:

1.  I’m trying to re-virginize myself: Couldn’t be farther from the truth.  Who the hell would want to be a virgin again?  And if I even thought that I could re-virginize myself…is there some magical thing that is supposed to happen once my hymen has been restored (which it can’t by the way, short of some weird plastic surgery)?  I don’t think so.

2.  I’m a born again Christian: Nope – haven’t talked that much about God or religion on this blog.  Or at all.  I don’t attend church.  I have nothing against people who believe in religion – good for them for being able to have so much faith.  That’s not me though.

3.  I’m doing this for attention:  Well duh.  But not exactly.  If I didn’t want anyone to read the thoughts I type, then I wouldn’t upload it to a blog and allow everyone to read it.  I’m not trying to get a movie deal like that Julie & Julia movie.  I am interested in a discourse. I want to know what people think.  I am fully aware that I open myself up to attack – being called a slut, a whore, etc, etc, these are not new or original ways to put someone down.  Especially a woman who brazenly declares how much she likes sex.  As unpleasant as the whore and slut comments can be, they are important to consider, but they will not censor me into writing something other than what I feel and experience.

I am not presumptuous enough to believe that my way is the best way to view sex and sexuality.  Do it whatever way you want, and if you don’t like it my way, then move on to the next blog.  That’s the beauty of this wonderful blogosphere – there are a plethora of ideas and perspectives for a person to explore and enjoy.  Some of it will upset you, some of it will make you laugh, and some of it will make you think.  Thank you First Amendment.

4.  I’m hoping someone will send me a new vibrator:  HA!  I could use a new one.  My trusty Rabbit just crapped out on me.  We had a good 2 years together – he was a giver.  I haven’t had the heart to replace him just yet…

 

Here are the REAL reasons I’m doing this celibacy project and blog (this list is not exclusive – Ashleee Karen reserves the right to amend the list as new reasons become available)


1.  I’ve had a rough few years:  My last boyfriend was an emotionally and physically abusive alcoholic.  I helped him through sobriety and when he got on his feet, he didn’t need me anymore.  I figured out that fixing someone (as if you ever can) doesn’t necessarily make them want to love you more, and in the end, you’re the one who needs fixing.  I am having trouble feeling safe enough to open myself up to someone in a meaningful way.

2.  I don’t know what I want: I don’t know if I want to get married and have kids. I don’t know if I am someone who knows how to be happy in a relationship.  The last healthy relationship I had was about 6-7 years ago and I feel like an entirely different person now.  That girl I was is a stranger to me in so many ways.

3.  I’m still picking crappy guys: In the 2 years that I’ve been single since T, 90% of the guys that I have dated were all wrong for me.  Maybe I picked them that way – self-sabotage and what not. The guys that I passed on, I probably should’ve pursued.  Until I figure out what the hell is going on with that, I think it’s better to stay away from men altogether.

4.  If I’m not working on a relationship with a guy, I can work on the relationship with myself: And here we are, the ultimate reason.  I will tell you what I told my therapist – when I’m not trying to date a guy I can work on other issues that I have outside of my romantic endeavors.  Men can be distractions if you let them, and it’s so much easier to deal with someone else than it is to deal with yourself.   I need to spend time with myself and learn all the great things about me, so that when (and if) I meet the right guy, then he’ll see those things too.

So there you have it.  Thoughts?

Posted in Why I'm doing this | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 33 Comments »

Protected: By (somewhat) popular demand…

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 1, 2010


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Ashleee Karen – The Devirginizer and Destroyer.

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 23, 2010


Time to introduce the boy/man who started it all – S

I first met S when I was 15 working at a local restaurant during the summer.  I was about to be a sophomore in high school and he, a freshman.  He was a surfer, lean, tan, with a boyish hair cut with long bangs that swung over his eyes.

I was not (and I’m still not), a girl you’d think a surfer would date.  I had major T and A (I had B/C cups in high school – a gift and a curse) and just in general we ran with different crowds.  I was friends with some people he knew and vice versa.

That summer we started going out.  Puppy love for sure.  Then we discovered we were insanely sexually attracted to one another.  We didn’t have sex that summer, but we tried pretty much everything else.  Alas, it really was just sumer lovin and by the time the school year started, we had broken up.  

At school, we’d pretend we didn’t know each other but we’d still hook up. He’d come over after school and we’d mess around before my parents got home from work.  We’d have such a great time hanging out, making out, but the next day at school, again, we’d pretend we didn’t know each other.

My close friends knew and apparently we’d been seen around town driving together so people started to figure things out. We’d drive up to the hills and park in a secluded spot and make out literally like teenagers….

I ended up losing my virginity to someone else (for another post) but in the end, I took his.   It didn’t seem like a big deal since we never really dated after that initial summer – I always liked him and wished for more but never thought we’d end up together.  He was in the surf crowd – I played sports and was a book nerd – our high school love just wasn’t meant to be.  For some reason I think this clandestine arrangement we had did a number on my self esteem – I figured there was something wrong with me if he didn’t want people to know we liked each other.  And since there was something wrong with me, it MUST mean that he was better than me and that I should just be lucky and grateful for any attention he paid to me at all.

And so this continued for awhile – all the way up to my sophomore year in college. I was going to drive down to his college and see him but at the last minute I flaked and didn’t bother to tell him.  I never called him after that…

Flashforward to 2007 – I saw him at a bar in our hometown.  He was still boyish looking, but not boyishly handsome…still attractive though.  We were both wasted at the bar. I sat down at his table and started talking to him.  I figured after all these years, who cares about high school bullshit and whether people knew we were friends.  He asked for my card and I pretended I didn’t have one…

Flashforward to 2008 – I facebook him to say hello. He facebooks back.  What ensues is a crazy night in a hotel room screwing like we were teenagers again.  I don’t hear from him – I’m annoyed, but ok with it.

Flashforward to last week – he facebooks me again.  Wants to hook up. Proceeds to tell me that he has been sexually obsessed with me.  I ask, since when, since the last time we hooked up?? He says no, since I was 15.

“You’re still the best sex I’ve ever had.”

WOW.  Now, when I was a teenager I had a pretty bangin body so I get that he was all into that.  But then he started to remind me of all the crazy shit we used to do.

We did it in my pool a few times.

At a party I pulled him into the bathroom and blew him.

I used to tease the hell out of him and make him beg me to finish him off.

Jesus what the hell was wrong with me?!?  What kind of crazy ass teenager is that sexually confident that she’s going around doing that shit?!

Me apparently.

I guess I forgot all about this stuff until he reminded me.  And with this whole celibacy project I have, it’s interesting to revisit.

He insists that every girlfriend he’s had since me has paled in comparison sexually.  He says he is totally into the dominance thing, with the girl being dominant. It turns him on to have to beg.  I’m the first girl he ever went down on and now that’s his favorite thing to do.  He’s been jerking off to me since we were in high school – and he hasn’t stopped since (creepy or flattering?).

How is it possible, that after nearly 16 years I am still the most amazing sex he’s ever had?!  He says he thinks he’s ruined – that his sex life has been destroyed because he’s still looking for the insane, raw, sexual chemistry we had and he’s afraid he’ll never find it…Now he wants to do every dirty thing he didn’t get to do to me before…

Maybe it’s a line.  Maybe it’s true.  Maybe that’s really sad.  I was a teenager – yes, I get that I was advanced and horny as hell and apparently not much has changed, but I didn’t even have my A game out in my teens.  When we did it back in 2007, it was good and fun, but I was nervous and held back a little (translation: didn’t get drunk enough).

So anyways he wants to hook up…I haven’t exactly said no.  Actually, I’ve kinda said yes, but I’m not 100% sure I should go through with it.  I think the sex will be amazing…just not sure if it’s worth it.  Plus I kinda like the celibacy thing… not only does it give me something to blog about, but I think it was a good idea…

Maybe I’m just denying my true nature – nymphomaniac…

Thoughts???  Any advice would be appreciated…

Posted in S, Sexytime, The Men in My Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments »

You want me to wear a WHAT?!?

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 4, 2010


I’ve been wanting to post something about T—- for awhile now – give more of a back story than the few paragraphs littered here and there throughout my blog, but I don’t think I’m ready yet.   It’s such a heavy topic for me, and I’ve discussed it a ZILLION times with girlfriends and guyfriends, but I’m not exactly ready to put pen to paper (or finger to key).  So instead of choosing a heavy topic, I thought I would give you a few laughs and introduce you to my first boyfriend ever – SOM.  Obviously, that’s not his real name, but read on to find out what it stands for… (this one is a bit lengthy but I’m all about building suspense and dramatic flourish)

I was 19 or 20 when I met SOM.  I went to a birthday dinner for my dear friend Amelia (hello Amelia!)  – there were about 10-15 people there from what I remember and someone told me that this guy named Jim wanted to meet me.  I sat and talked to Jim, but he really wasn’t my type.  Perfectly nice guy, but there was no physical attraction there…

What I didn’t know was that ANOTHER guy at this birthday dinner was interested in me as well – it was SOM.  He was a little more my type (although I was later told that he was ugly by more than one person – I suppose love IS blind).  I can’t remember if he asked for my number that night or not, but anyway, eventually it was on.  He was into me, I was into him – I invited him one night to come watch me play the guitar (I did a couple shows in college).  He didn’t kiss me that night, and I couldn’t tell what his deal was.  I learned later, he showed up like a looney tune at Amelia’s house – he scared the crap out of her by popping up at her kitchen window at midnight while she was doing the dishes.  He had to tell her that the moment had been perfect, he didn’t kiss me, he messed up and OOPS, did he forget to mention he still had a girlfriend?!

Yes, he HAD forgotten to mention that really really important aspect.  I found out about it later, but I was young and dumb and didn’t really care.  He broke up with her and started dating me.  The first night we had sex was…

Disappointing.  

SOM had problems in the bedroom, he said.  He had a difficult time keeping it up – no babe, don’t worry, it’s not you – it’s me!  It was a bit odd since he was only 4 years older than me at the time.  I was not used to dealing with guys who couldn’t get it up.  But I was kind and understanding and for whatever reason, I liked this guy so I gently placed my hand on his and said, “Don’t worry – we’ll work on it.  It will be fine.”

But it wasn’t fine.  This problem plagued our entire relationship. I was 20, I was in college and I had a boyfriend – I wanted to have sex, and LOTS of it.    It gradually became clear to me that the problem in the bedroom likely stemmed from problems in his life.  SOM couldn’t  for the life of him, finish college. He had 8 units to go – 2 classes! For those classes he only had to write a few essays and hand them into the professors and they said they would pass him and he could earn his degree.  It was my 3rd year in college and I was studying for my LSAT’S.  I would drag him to the library with me and make him sit there to write his essays while I studied for my test.  I couldn’t understand what his problem was – I was taking a full load of classes, working 20-30 hours a week AND studying for the LSAT – these 8 units had been hanging over his head for at LEAST a year.  He was like, a 6th year senior or something ridiculous like that…

Anyways, I tried EVERYTHING to turn this guy on – I asked him what would help and I tried every request he made.   I was trying to be an understanding girlfriend and really…just wanted to please the guy.  Plus it was doing a number on my self esteem and I thought there was something wrong with me.  But try as I might, nothing worked.  The little soldier just wouldn’t salute.   Then one day, at the beginning of my first year in law school (and yes the rumors are true – it’s HELL) he says to me:

“Remember how you asked me what my fantasies were?”

“Yes?” I said, intrigued.  Could’ve sworn I wore those boots for him once…

“Well…there was one more I didn’t tell you about, ” he said sheepishly.

“Ok babe, well tell me what it is.” I was a bit hopeful – maybe there was something I could do to help us in the bedroom.

“Well…I’ve always had this fantasy of… you know… I think it would be really sexy if a girl…I’ve always wanted a girl to…” his voice trailed off…was he going to ask me to stick my thumb in his ass or something?

“Yes?” I said cautiously.

“Wear a strap on.”

“Wear a WHAT?!?” No.  Freaking.  Way. Did he just say that to me?

“Yeah, I dunno, I’ve always just thought it would be sexy…would you want to do that?”

I didn’t even hesitate. I didn’t even PRETEND to consider it.

“No. Nope.  Uh, uh. Can’t do that.”

He was disappointed.  But I didn’t hear anything about it for awhile.  Now, I consider myself sexually open minded – but that was just one thing I wouldn’t do.  Other people have their druthers in the bedroom – mine are:  That I am a woman and I don’t have a penis. Women get bent over – NOT MEN! (at least not in my bedroom ) You as the man have the penis and you place it into my vagina and/or mouth.  I do not want to anally violate you, a  man who was 6’2″ and weighed in at about 250 pounds. On top of that he was hairy everywhere but his head (why I keep dating hairy fat guys, I have no idea, but I think that’s for a different post).  Just the thought of it makes my non-existent strap on penis, go flaccid.  Why I didn’t break up with him right there and then just goes to show you how much of a sucker I was/am…

He STILL hadn’t finished those 8 units.  On top of that he had LIED to his parents about finishing them.   As my first year in law school progressed, the arguments would go up and down, back and forth – Christmas came and he showered me with gifts and a trip to New York City for New Years Eve.  We returned from the trip and the fighting started again…the sex problems were even worse…I just didn’t know what to do.  The fighting was AWFUL and I was so unhappy.  And I was naive enough to believe that if I just kept hanging on, everything would be fine…

One month before finals the fighting hit an all time high and in the heat of one of them he said, “Remember that thing I asked you to do?  Well…when you said no, I went online and found someone who would.”

This mother fucker had cheated on me with a chick who agreed to wear a STRAP ON? AND ON TOP OF THAT HE WAS UGLY?! AND DIDN’T HAVE A JOB?! WHO THE HELL DID HE THINK HE WAS?!?  That was it. That’s all I needed to hear.  I was DONE.

Finals came and went and I passed them all (thankfully) I decided to have a party at my house and ended up hooking up with one of the guys there – tall, handsome, funny, and Mr. Right Now.  When he left in the morning I gave him a bunch of SOM’s clothes…Then I made a point of telling SOM about it.  It was pretty awesome.

By the way, SOM stands for STRAP ON M—

(I found out that SOM recently married – I wondered if she strapped one on for him…)

Posted in Guys are Jerks, Hm. Inneresting..., Sexytime, SOM, The Men in My Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

 
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