Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Posts Tagged ‘bloggers’

Blogcockblock

Posted by ashleeekaren on March 4, 2011


The old Ashleee would’ve pretended to want a friends with benefits situation while secretly hoping he would change his mind.  The new Ashleee (with the help of some colorful comments on this blog and a good book) is learning and knows better.  After springing an Alpha move on me which I rejected, we had a surprisingly honest, adult conversation about our differing interests and amicably ended things.

So Solomon, I don’t know what his ceiling looks like, nor do I expect to – my womb is ready for us to bring forth the Anti-Christ.

Posted in Hm. Inneresting..., The Men in My Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments »

We all just wanna be snowflakes

Posted by ashleeekaren on February 21, 2011


I have been quiet in the blogosphere for some time as there has been some things going on in my real life that have required my attention.

Leave it to my future baby daddy Solomon to snap me out of my digital silence.  While perusing his blog, I came across his latest post regarding an article from the Huffington Post written by a woman entitled, “Why You Aren’t Married”  I found the article itself to be well written, witty, and spot on in a lot of ways.  Solomon has a stimulating back and forth going on with a female commentator on his blog, mysteriously named “Author”.  Author does not like Solomon – that much is clear.  And since Author does not have a blog (that I know of) I can’t really say I know much more about her than that.

His response to one of her comments was particularly interesting and inspired me to blog about the swirl of thoughts it invoked…

You see, the *ONLY* thing that sets you apart and makes you special from a man is your ability to produce children. That’s why you’re so goddamn pissed off all the time: You can’t fulfill your biological purpose and you’re a lesser human being because of it. Though you may not know it, you can *feel* it so you try to explain your feelings away with a bunch of feminist rhetoric.

This got me thinking about another concept in the PUA blogosphere – snowflaking.  I have surmised that snowflaking is what a woman does when she wants a man to think she is different, that she is special (because apparently, no two actual snowflakes are ever alike).  Also according to PUA conceptualization, real life snowflakes DO in fact exist, but apparently do not reside in America.  I think the snowflake concept can be taken a politically correct step further to encompass the idea that human beings just want to feel special.  (Even those who DO reside in America)

And then that got me going down another path – feeling useless, feeling “un-special”,  and feeling like you have no purpose is perhaps one of the worst thing that could ever befall a person – woman or man.  Fulfilling my purpose, biologically, or otherwise, despite the fact that millions before me have done so, somehow makes me feel special.  Because I presently have no practical or desirable way to exercise that biological purpose (having children), I try to find my purpose elsewhere until, God willing, the stars align, I find a man of character that I am actually sexually attracted to, and we procreate together in a committed long term relationship.

So where all this mumbo-jumbo is going is this:  Solomon is right.  Now maybe I wouldn’t have put it exactly the way he said it, but the truth is this – if I can’t be a snowflake to man, then I want to be a snowflake somewhere else. I want to feel special because sometimes, I know I’m not.  And when I don’t feel special, when I can’t view myself as a snowflake (and not just in relation to a man) – yeah, it’s distressing.

If we were lucky as children, mommy AND daddy told us that we were special.  If we were unlucky, mommy and daddy didn’t tell us we were special at all and used some messed up reverse psychology to push us harder to succeed.  Either way, we grow up either trying to validate what our parents told us, or trying to prove to our parents (and/or ourselves) that we deserve to be told we are special.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel special. We all just wanna be snowflakes… but I think it’s probably a good idea to also live in reality and temper those feelings of snowflake fueled confidence with humility.

Posted in Hm. Inneresting... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 36 Comments »

Time to re-boot

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 2, 2010


Just reading over some of my recent posts and considering all the comments that have been made and you know what?!  I need to re-boot.

I started this blog so that I could document my celibacy project, and in the past few weeks it’s turned into just another dating blog… For shame, Ashleee Karen, for SHAME.

So I’m re-booting.   Time to go back to where I started – trying not to have sex for a year and using that year to explore me and who I am.  Who is AK?  What does AK want? Where does AK see herself in the next 5 years?  And why is AK writing in the 3rd person???

Now, there’s nothing wrong with dating blogs – I read some of them quite enthusiastically…but if I lose sight of the theme of this blog, then I lose sight of this project and I don’t want to do that.  Reading the last few posts, I’m like, so annoyed with myself.  I just wanna scream SHUT THE %#$! UP ASHLEEE! I will probably talk about dudes here and there, and I will give you guys updates on GT and Martin if any become available, but only as it pertains to my project.  SO this is where I’ve decided to leave things with those guys:

GT: If it happens, it happens.  If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.  He called the other day but I didn’t even care enough to post about it.  I’m not going to get drawn into his world…not because I’m a princess or I think I’m so unique or so wonderful, but because the more I’m drawn into what he wants, thinks, needs, and does, the less time I have to concentrate on what I want, think, need, and do.

Martin: I am going to give myself 3 months and re-visit the issue then. I honestly just don’t want to deal with him right now.  I’m still upset with him and I need to figure out why, and how I can stop, before I even consider going out on a date with the guy.

See, this is what I do.  I tell myself, no I’m not gonna date, I’m going to take a break, blah blah blah blah.  And then inevitably some dude comes along and wants to take me out, or some loser ex crawls out of some godforsaken hole with all these feelings and crap, and then all of a sudden it’s like, OHHHH, what should I do? What should I do??

It’s annoying.  I annoy myself.  Who CARES about these dudes?  I need to stop using these men as a distraction from myself and just learn to BE.  Be AK, not AKwhoisdatingGT, or AKwhoMartinwantstodateagain.  Just be AK.

SO,  Ctrl, Alt and Del!

Which brings us to this:

Today is Day 97/365 of the Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-11.

Days since Actual sex? 116.

Days until my new vibrator arrives?  5-7 business days.

😉

Posted in Trying to Maintain..., Uncategorized, Why I'm doing this | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments »

Day 76/365 – The Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-11

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 11, 2010


Day 76!  I have to admit last week I thought there was a chance that today I would have to re-set the counter to Day 0.  S had texted me last week, wanting to hook up today.  I said yes, but I knew he’d flake.  And guess what? He did!  But you know what, that’s ok.  The more time that passes by, and the more feedback I’ve been getting on this blog, the better I feel about actually achieving this goal.

What’s nice is that I”ve found some other blogs (see links on the right) that have similar goals to mine. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone.

I think it’s time to take stock of a couple  things I’ve learned so far:

1.  Although we are creatures driven by biological need to have sex and reproduce, we can control it.

2.  But at the same time, there is no shame in enjoying sex or admitting that you enjoy it.  Sex is SUPPOSED to be enjoyable. If it wasn’t so enjoyable, the human race would’ve died out a long time ago.

3.  Sounds elementary but people are both attracted to and threatened by blatant sexuality.  Sometimes separately.  Sometimes at the same time. Sometimes they don’t even know it.

There are more of course, but these are just the ones I’ve been mulling over lately.

As part of the Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-11, I have picked up 2 books:

1.  Marry Him, by Lori Gottilieb

2.  The Secret Lives of Men, by Christopher Blazina

Rivelino has been telling me to pick up the first book for some time now, and I ran across the second book at the library (yes – I still go to the library.  There’s something about checking out books that I love.  I’ve loved the library since I was a little girl…)  I’m thinking about doing a chapter by chapter post about both of those books but the second one is super long!

Thoughts?

Posted in Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments »

Why so serious?

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 9, 2010


Seriously.  Why so serious?  Can we just have a little fun here?

Was going to post a pic of the Joker, but this seemed less threatening. And the finger smiley face is kinda cute...

 

Posted in WTF | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

Why I’m doing this

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 9, 2010


I am a 31 year old woman and I am not ashamed to say that I’m still working on figuring things out.  

I have been asked several times why I am doing this little celibacy project.  I think there several theories floating around out there.  Here are some that I have gleaned from comments and emails:

1.  I’m trying to re-virginize myself: Couldn’t be farther from the truth.  Who the hell would want to be a virgin again?  And if I even thought that I could re-virginize myself…is there some magical thing that is supposed to happen once my hymen has been restored (which it can’t by the way, short of some weird plastic surgery)?  I don’t think so.

2.  I’m a born again Christian: Nope – haven’t talked that much about God or religion on this blog.  Or at all.  I don’t attend church.  I have nothing against people who believe in religion – good for them for being able to have so much faith.  That’s not me though.

3.  I’m doing this for attention:  Well duh.  But not exactly.  If I didn’t want anyone to read the thoughts I type, then I wouldn’t upload it to a blog and allow everyone to read it.  I’m not trying to get a movie deal like that Julie & Julia movie.  I am interested in a discourse. I want to know what people think.  I am fully aware that I open myself up to attack – being called a slut, a whore, etc, etc, these are not new or original ways to put someone down.  Especially a woman who brazenly declares how much she likes sex.  As unpleasant as the whore and slut comments can be, they are important to consider, but they will not censor me into writing something other than what I feel and experience.

I am not presumptuous enough to believe that my way is the best way to view sex and sexuality.  Do it whatever way you want, and if you don’t like it my way, then move on to the next blog.  That’s the beauty of this wonderful blogosphere – there are a plethora of ideas and perspectives for a person to explore and enjoy.  Some of it will upset you, some of it will make you laugh, and some of it will make you think.  Thank you First Amendment.

4.  I’m hoping someone will send me a new vibrator:  HA!  I could use a new one.  My trusty Rabbit just crapped out on me.  We had a good 2 years together – he was a giver.  I haven’t had the heart to replace him just yet…

 

Here are the REAL reasons I’m doing this celibacy project and blog (this list is not exclusive – Ashleee Karen reserves the right to amend the list as new reasons become available)


1.  I’ve had a rough few years:  My last boyfriend was an emotionally and physically abusive alcoholic.  I helped him through sobriety and when he got on his feet, he didn’t need me anymore.  I figured out that fixing someone (as if you ever can) doesn’t necessarily make them want to love you more, and in the end, you’re the one who needs fixing.  I am having trouble feeling safe enough to open myself up to someone in a meaningful way.

2.  I don’t know what I want: I don’t know if I want to get married and have kids. I don’t know if I am someone who knows how to be happy in a relationship.  The last healthy relationship I had was about 6-7 years ago and I feel like an entirely different person now.  That girl I was is a stranger to me in so many ways.

3.  I’m still picking crappy guys: In the 2 years that I’ve been single since T, 90% of the guys that I have dated were all wrong for me.  Maybe I picked them that way – self-sabotage and what not. The guys that I passed on, I probably should’ve pursued.  Until I figure out what the hell is going on with that, I think it’s better to stay away from men altogether.

4.  If I’m not working on a relationship with a guy, I can work on the relationship with myself: And here we are, the ultimate reason.  I will tell you what I told my therapist – when I’m not trying to date a guy I can work on other issues that I have outside of my romantic endeavors.  Men can be distractions if you let them, and it’s so much easier to deal with someone else than it is to deal with yourself.   I need to spend time with myself and learn all the great things about me, so that when (and if) I meet the right guy, then he’ll see those things too.

So there you have it.  Thoughts?

Posted in Why I'm doing this | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 33 Comments »

Protected: By (somewhat) popular demand…

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 1, 2010


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Looking for something different – are most blogs about love, dating, sex, and relationships written by women??

Posted by ashleeekaren on September 29, 2010


I am tempted to tell you about how I was held hostage by a gigantic spider, but I don’t know if that works well with this blog theme. (It was terrifying, I assure you…)

Anyway, what just occurred to me is this:

1.  I love blogging now.

2.  I’m obsessed with blogging.

3.  Most of the blogs I read are written by men.

Why I am primarily reading blogs written by men is interesting. Maybe I whine so damn much it’s hard for me to hear another female narrative…Again, that’s a topic for yet another blog.

Anyway, I have been looking for blogs that are written by men and talk about love, relationships, dating, sex, etc.  When I search the tags, most of these blogs are written by women.  And the blogs written by men concerning these subjects, many of the ones I come across are what I’m calling “gamers” – followers of  RooshV and Roissey.  Bloggers such as Neo in the Game, Paul the King, and Becoming Alpha.  They consider themselves “Alphas”.  

I guess what I’m looking for is a blog written by a Beta.  Someone who is not trying to run game or qualify women.  Part of this blogging process is not just the writing aspect, but the reading.  The absorption of other peoples’ perspectives and life experiences.

I would appreciate any suggestions 🙂

Posted in Hm. Inneresting... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments »

 
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