Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Posts Tagged ‘boyfriends’

Ashleee has a boyfriend…?!?

Posted by ashleeekaren on September 28, 2011

I’ve got to say that I’ve missed blogging.  The last post I wrote was quite awhile ago and I admit that I haven’t had much to say until lately, mostly because I’ve been very, very happy.

I have a boyfriend.  I found him after I had given up and decided I wasn’t ever going to meet anyone and get married.   He’s not a jerk, not an alcoholic, not a game player, and not afraid of commitment.  He is open and honest about how he feels, tells me about 20 times a day that he loves me and thinks I’m beautiful.  I fall asleep every night cuddled up in my favorite place of all places: the nook, that special spot right between his shoulder and chest…  I wake up in the morning to him nuzzling my neck and wrapping his warm arms around me.  I feel like a teenager again, and I am head over heels in love with this guy.   He is thoughtful, funny, kind, affectionate, smart, handsome, sexy, and uh….ahem, well endowed…

No, I’m not making this up.  It’s true. I found a unicorn!  And the very best part of all of this is that I am not afraid to receive everything he is willing to give me.  We recognize we’ve found something very special with each other and we’re not going to let it pass us by.

Now in response to a recent comment I discovered about me on another blog, I wanted to say this:  You might have been right.  There might have been a chip missing in me.  Maybe it was because of any number of jerks I had dated.  Maybe it was because I was abused by my alcoholic ex, or abandoned by the first real love of my life, or maybe it was me.  Maybe it just isn’t easy to find someone you’re compatible with.  What the hell do I know…?

I think the chip that was missing for me was the belief that I would ever be able to actually open up to someone and let them into my life…so maybe dating these jerks was just a self-fulfilling prophecy…who knows?   I’m hoping things work out with this new guy – we find out more about each other every day and continue to fall deeper and deeper in love.  But if it doesn’t, then I least I know that after all the heartbreak I’ve suffered, that I am still capable of love.


Posted in Guys are awesome, Hm. Inneresting..., Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Apathy is the new black

Posted by ashleeekaren on May 5, 2011

…at least for me it is.

I have been silent for awhile… and no, it’s not because I have been having all sorts of amazing sex…it’s because I’ve been apathetic.

Where did this all start??

I found out Martin has a new girlfriend… stupid Facebook.  I hate Facebook…  I didn’t even go on there and my friend had to shove it in my face early one morning…  And even though I had let Martin go, couldn’t bear to keep him around as a beta orbiter for my own selfish needs, I never in a MILLION years expected to react the way I did…

Which was to start crying and then go day drinking and end up a puddled, blabbering mess by 4pm.

I think that triggered it…

And then a couple weeks later, every freaking loser I’ve dated and then subsequently ignored called me.  Monday – Loser #1, Tuesday Loser #2, Weds – ran into Loser #3.   Then on Thurs went out on a date with Old Dorky Guy #1 who, from his pics, looked about 20 years younger than he actually did in person. (eharmony date – needless to say, I cancelled my subscription shortly after).  Did I mention that Loser #1 had actually called and texted me a couple weeks before that Monday, and I ignored him then too?? OH, and did I mention that the Evil T also texted that same weekend.

All of this put me in an emotional tizzy. I’m sensitive.  TOO sensitive, and I think it was time that something…snapped.  I’m sick of allowing these men to affect me the way they do.

And as Rivelino advised me awhile back – don’t just write about dating – write about what you want.

And here’s what I want –

I don’t want to feel anything.

I am not very good at dating.  I don’t think I ever have been.  I am good at getting dates, but not actually dating. I lose my head. I fall in love, I get my feelings hurt, and my heart broken.  No more.

What have any of these relationships ever done for me?  Nothing.  NOTHING!  Well, maybe I’ve learned a lesson or two, the most important being: DON’T DATE ANYMORE!

And I’m not here to blame it on men.  Although some of them are jerks, but just as many of them are nice.  It’s really all my fault.  All of it.  All the bad decisions, the bruised pride, the shattered heart… all of it is my fault.  And I don’t seem to be changing my tune, because I still go after the bad boys and they still go after me.   Ok, ok, admittedly, the 2 nice guys I’ve gone out with in the past 3 years since I’ve been single weren’t exactly matches for me – one wore his button up shirt unbuttoned too low showing his gaudy gold chain, which only emphasized the tragedy of his pointy alligator shoes… and the other…well… the other nice guy had a small penis and talked too much.  Again, not a match.

So I’ve turned off the emotions.  Stopped responding to male attention – for example was hit on yesterday at the grocery store, guy chatted me up in the frozen section and nearly stalked me around the store until checkout.  Then told me how sexy I was in the parking lot.  He was totally my type.  He gave me his number.  I’ve already thrown it away.  Ron has been texting me a lot lately too and haven’t responded to any of his texts…

And yes, I know this means I’m wasting what little beauty my quickly waning youth has afforded me.  But this just beats the alternative – up and down, left and right, feeling happy, then sad, then stupid and resentful.  Enough already.

Posted in Hm. Inneresting..., Just. Awful., Martin, Ron, Rules, T----, WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments »

Day 48/365 – Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-2011

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 14, 2010

Day 48 of 365.  Hey, just 317 more days left in my celibacy project…!  Do they make a sedative that will knock me out for 317 more days??

So let’s see….the last post was a little depressing so I thought I would lighten the mood a little.  This blog is supposed to be about my day to day struggle to not have sex and stay away from men, not a history of my bad boyfriends…. Well maybe thinking about my bad boyfriends helps me stay celibate…  There are no rules I suppose, but I like to try and be consistent.

So this morning I didn’t have to be in court so I usually allow myself the luxury of sleeping in and waiting the traffic out.  This was not to be, as Ron must have SMELLED how unbelievably sex starved I feel.  He texted me this morning at 6 AM.  He thinks it’s funny to wake me up in the mornings on his way to the gym.

I peeked at the phone through a layer of blankets and my sleepy eyes – text from Ron.  Closed my eyes.  Rolled over.  Another text.  Ignored it.  Put the pillow over my head.  And another text.

Hm.  Maybe it’s important…I rolled over and checked the texts:


R: HI!

R: Good morning!  Hire you?

R: Oops! I mean, How are you?

Yeah…not that important.  But I was up now, so I texted him back:

AK: Lol.  You reeeeeally like waking me up on the days I can sleep in…

AK: And now that you’ve woken me up you have to entertain me.

R: Okay.  What’s up?  What are you up to today?

As I texted him, flashbacks of our last hot sex romp filled my head. I got the tingles.

R: What is your weekend looking like?

AK: I have a Quincenera on Sat in ________.  You?

R: Let’s hang out

AK: I’ll let you know.


I have a theory (which is not an original one) about ovulation and being horny. I have a friend who is super smart and has a PhD in the human reproductive area so I’ve got to talk to her about that so I can blog about it.  Anyway, according to my handy iphone app Period Tracker, I’m not ovulating right now but there have been times when that app predicts I’m ovulating and I feel horny as hell.

Maybe I just feel horny as hell all the time.  Maybe there’s something wrong with me.  Maybe it’s not normal to have a lingering stare at the hot bailiff through the lockup windows.  Maybe I should tell Ron I’m not having sex for a year?  Nah…maybe not.  Maybe I should just tease him.  He likes that.

When I hit 365/365 I’ll either be:

A raging monster - imagine the train cars are men...




Calm, cool, collected.


Place your bets!  😉


Posted in Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments »

Why are you on You should be on IMALIAR.COM!!!

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 8, 2010

Ok, I fully understand that I might end up looking like a bit of a stalker and a koo koo, but I don’t care.  I just saw Martin’s profile on

My friend Sharon is on Match right now and she hung out with Martin the other night.  The two of them are friends, and I’m completely fine with that.  Last night I’m over at her house and she tells me Martin is on Match and I should check out his profile. Of course I say YES and we take a look at it.

His pics are nice – they look like him.  His screen name is something awful…I’m scrolling, I’m scrolling and… (all identifying info has been erased)

LIE #1

Ok, ok…it’s possible he’s changed his mind about wanting to have children, and yes, he’s allowed to do that….BUT, moving on…

LIE #2


Athletic and Toned???  PLEASE!  He’s not a fatty at all – he probably carries a little bit of extra weight but he’s not fat. But he IS very big boy.  6’4″ as you can see (at least that’s not a lie).  He may have athletic ability, but that’s not what Match is asking you when they are asking about your body type.  To me, athletic and toned is:

Ok, I’m not saying that’s the only way someone could be described as athletic and toned, but you catch my drift.  Ryan Reynolds is chiseled, muscles are defined, etc.  I actually care less about a body than I do a face, but if you’re gonna say you’re athletic and toned, then I expect something like the above, or at least in that hemisphere.  Martin is NOT in that hemisphere.  He has muscles, but he doesn’t have any definition and he’s not toned.  Toned. 

LIE #3

This fool DOES NOT have a bachelors degree!!! In fact, that’s the main reason my mom didn’t like him for me.  I know for a FACT that he hasn’t gone back to school since we’ve broken up.  So why in the hell is he putting that on there?  Match offers the option of putting “some college” which would have been the accurate thing to put down.  He told Sharon he is looking for a wife – he’d really like to settle down and have kids.  Do you think telling someone that you have a bachelors degree, or at least letting them think that, is a good way to start out a potential long term relationship?!

So this begs the question – why do I care?  I don’t know. It just bothers me.  Maybe because if he were actually ALL of those things he put in his profile, I might want to be with him.  He just got laid off and is collecting unemployment.  He told me the other day that he could have a job but it would only be part time and he would make just as much money on unemployment – so why work?  WRONG ANSWER.  Is he working on some grand novel?  NO.  Does he have any physical disabilities??  NO.  Is he taking time out to travel? NO.  Spend time with his sick relative? NO. 

For me, there is only one reason for an able bodied 35 year old man with job opportunities to be on unemployment – LAZINESS.

Anyway, I had a good incredulous laugh last night when I saw his profile and Sharon agreed with me that it was a bit ridiculous.  I mean, Martin doesn’t have a mean bone in his body – but what’s with all the lies??


Posted in Guys are Jerks, Hm. Inneresting..., Martin, The Men in My Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments »

You want me to wear a WHAT?!?

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 4, 2010

I’ve been wanting to post something about T—- for awhile now – give more of a back story than the few paragraphs littered here and there throughout my blog, but I don’t think I’m ready yet.   It’s such a heavy topic for me, and I’ve discussed it a ZILLION times with girlfriends and guyfriends, but I’m not exactly ready to put pen to paper (or finger to key).  So instead of choosing a heavy topic, I thought I would give you a few laughs and introduce you to my first boyfriend ever – SOM.  Obviously, that’s not his real name, but read on to find out what it stands for… (this one is a bit lengthy but I’m all about building suspense and dramatic flourish)

I was 19 or 20 when I met SOM.  I went to a birthday dinner for my dear friend Amelia (hello Amelia!)  – there were about 10-15 people there from what I remember and someone told me that this guy named Jim wanted to meet me.  I sat and talked to Jim, but he really wasn’t my type.  Perfectly nice guy, but there was no physical attraction there…

What I didn’t know was that ANOTHER guy at this birthday dinner was interested in me as well – it was SOM.  He was a little more my type (although I was later told that he was ugly by more than one person – I suppose love IS blind).  I can’t remember if he asked for my number that night or not, but anyway, eventually it was on.  He was into me, I was into him – I invited him one night to come watch me play the guitar (I did a couple shows in college).  He didn’t kiss me that night, and I couldn’t tell what his deal was.  I learned later, he showed up like a looney tune at Amelia’s house – he scared the crap out of her by popping up at her kitchen window at midnight while she was doing the dishes.  He had to tell her that the moment had been perfect, he didn’t kiss me, he messed up and OOPS, did he forget to mention he still had a girlfriend?!

Yes, he HAD forgotten to mention that really really important aspect.  I found out about it later, but I was young and dumb and didn’t really care.  He broke up with her and started dating me.  The first night we had sex was…


SOM had problems in the bedroom, he said.  He had a difficult time keeping it up – no babe, don’t worry, it’s not you – it’s me!  It was a bit odd since he was only 4 years older than me at the time.  I was not used to dealing with guys who couldn’t get it up.  But I was kind and understanding and for whatever reason, I liked this guy so I gently placed my hand on his and said, “Don’t worry – we’ll work on it.  It will be fine.”

But it wasn’t fine.  This problem plagued our entire relationship. I was 20, I was in college and I had a boyfriend – I wanted to have sex, and LOTS of it.    It gradually became clear to me that the problem in the bedroom likely stemmed from problems in his life.  SOM couldn’t  for the life of him, finish college. He had 8 units to go – 2 classes! For those classes he only had to write a few essays and hand them into the professors and they said they would pass him and he could earn his degree.  It was my 3rd year in college and I was studying for my LSAT’S.  I would drag him to the library with me and make him sit there to write his essays while I studied for my test.  I couldn’t understand what his problem was – I was taking a full load of classes, working 20-30 hours a week AND studying for the LSAT – these 8 units had been hanging over his head for at LEAST a year.  He was like, a 6th year senior or something ridiculous like that…

Anyways, I tried EVERYTHING to turn this guy on – I asked him what would help and I tried every request he made.   I was trying to be an understanding girlfriend and really…just wanted to please the guy.  Plus it was doing a number on my self esteem and I thought there was something wrong with me.  But try as I might, nothing worked.  The little soldier just wouldn’t salute.   Then one day, at the beginning of my first year in law school (and yes the rumors are true – it’s HELL) he says to me:

“Remember how you asked me what my fantasies were?”

“Yes?” I said, intrigued.  Could’ve sworn I wore those boots for him once…

“Well…there was one more I didn’t tell you about, ” he said sheepishly.

“Ok babe, well tell me what it is.” I was a bit hopeful – maybe there was something I could do to help us in the bedroom.

“Well…I’ve always had this fantasy of… you know… I think it would be really sexy if a girl…I’ve always wanted a girl to…” his voice trailed off…was he going to ask me to stick my thumb in his ass or something?

“Yes?” I said cautiously.

“Wear a strap on.”

“Wear a WHAT?!?” No.  Freaking.  Way. Did he just say that to me?

“Yeah, I dunno, I’ve always just thought it would be sexy…would you want to do that?”

I didn’t even hesitate. I didn’t even PRETEND to consider it.

“No. Nope.  Uh, uh. Can’t do that.”

He was disappointed.  But I didn’t hear anything about it for awhile.  Now, I consider myself sexually open minded – but that was just one thing I wouldn’t do.  Other people have their druthers in the bedroom – mine are:  That I am a woman and I don’t have a penis. Women get bent over – NOT MEN! (at least not in my bedroom ) You as the man have the penis and you place it into my vagina and/or mouth.  I do not want to anally violate you, a  man who was 6’2″ and weighed in at about 250 pounds. On top of that he was hairy everywhere but his head (why I keep dating hairy fat guys, I have no idea, but I think that’s for a different post).  Just the thought of it makes my non-existent strap on penis, go flaccid.  Why I didn’t break up with him right there and then just goes to show you how much of a sucker I was/am…

He STILL hadn’t finished those 8 units.  On top of that he had LIED to his parents about finishing them.   As my first year in law school progressed, the arguments would go up and down, back and forth – Christmas came and he showered me with gifts and a trip to New York City for New Years Eve.  We returned from the trip and the fighting started again…the sex problems were even worse…I just didn’t know what to do.  The fighting was AWFUL and I was so unhappy.  And I was naive enough to believe that if I just kept hanging on, everything would be fine…

One month before finals the fighting hit an all time high and in the heat of one of them he said, “Remember that thing I asked you to do?  Well…when you said no, I went online and found someone who would.”

This mother fucker had cheated on me with a chick who agreed to wear a STRAP ON? AND ON TOP OF THAT HE WAS UGLY?! AND DIDN’T HAVE A JOB?! WHO THE HELL DID HE THINK HE WAS?!?  That was it. That’s all I needed to hear.  I was DONE.

Finals came and went and I passed them all (thankfully) I decided to have a party at my house and ended up hooking up with one of the guys there – tall, handsome, funny, and Mr. Right Now.  When he left in the morning I gave him a bunch of SOM’s clothes…Then I made a point of telling SOM about it.  It was pretty awesome.

By the way, SOM stands for STRAP ON M—

(I found out that SOM recently married – I wondered if she strapped one on for him…)

Posted in Guys are Jerks, Hm. Inneresting..., Sexytime, SOM, The Men in My Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

My Weekend – Mid-Review

Posted by ashleeekaren on September 25, 2010

This weekend has been a whirlwind of events and they are still ongoing. I have a little bit of time before I have to rush off again but I wanted to get all my thoughts down before I have to press play.

Thursday: Went to a hipster type bar to see this guy DJ. Met him on 4th of July this year for a second. We were both wasted and I think I talked to him for about 5 minutes. Very cute – I face booked him, he added me but that’s pretty much it. Told my friend who is friends with him that I thought he was cute. She invited me to go see him DJ. I got a few other friends together and met them out. He was as cute as i remember him, but SHORT. I’m 5’8 and voluptous (think Joan from Mad Men) – I am too much woman for this guy. I said hello and just enjoyed the rest of the night hanging with my friends and listening to the music.

Friday – Hung out with my cousin – one was in town and I haven’t seen her in years. She was having an event for work and I decided to tag along – it was a good networking opportunity. Met a lot of really fascinating and accomplished people and had a good time. Went to the Four Season in Beverly Hills and it was like sugar daddy central. I haven’t seen so many young chicks with older dudes in one place (besides Vegas). As one of my companions remarked – “He’s just renting a hole.” Stayed chatting and catching up with my cousins and drove home at 2 am. Was driving down Wilshire right past my ex boyfriends house and was SO tempted to be compulsive and text him. I fantasized about showing up at his doorstep and us going at it from the moment I walk in the door (something we’ve done before). I had the phone in hand and was about to text him – then I thought better of it.

Saturday – had lunch with my cousin, about to head to tea at a friends house and then off to see my other cousin and her boss. So far, it’s been a great weekend. Gonna go hang with the girls tonight and gotta admit I’m tempted to text Ron and go for a roll in the hay… It would probably be good….

We’ll see….Stay tuned! And feel free to tell me whether you think I should call up Ron…

Posted in Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The Journey Begins

Posted by ashleeekaren on August 28, 2010

It’s Friday night and I’m at home. There is no sex in my city tonight. Although I tend to think that’s ok. Mostly sex just gets me in trouble – wanting sex, chasing sex, having sex. So perhaps I should take sex out if my equation completely and see where that lands me. A social experiment if you will.

Now if you know me at all (which you probably don’t and if you haven’t guessed my name isn’t really Ashleee Karen, or Ashleee or Karen, or even a variation of either. My initials aren’t even the same. If my mom found out I was writing about sex and/or the lack of it, she would be mortified), then you would know that I tend to make grand statements.

I guess I want to know if you stop wanting relationships and/or sex – does that really fix anything? Or does it just make you bitter and undateable when you finally do decide to dive into the relationship pool?

I’ve been out of a relationship for almost 2 years now. The last guy I dated, we’ll call him T—-, was a bad alcoholic who had trouble finding and keeping a job. But Jesus, I really was madly in love with the guy. The sex was insane – chemistry was always really hot and on top of that, I was naive enough to believe that people could change. He didn’t want to change – he just wanted to pretend he changed cuz he wanted to be with me – and admission he finally made after the relationship was over. But really, it wasn’t his fault – he was who he was.

Since that relationship my career has taken off and I’m definitely enjoying finding out who I am and what I really want out of life. Now 31 years old, I find myself in the position that I’m sure millions of women find themselves in – What next?

So this brings me back to sex – since the breakup I have pursued that type of raw sexual chemistry I found with T—-, hoping it would eventually turn into the type of intimacy I used to crave being someone’s girlfriend. I know many people say it’s supposed to happen the other way around or and that it’s much healthier that way but hey…who hell knows anymore? The last guy I had sex with a couple weeks ago, we’ll call him Dave, I truly liked and wanted to get to know better, but my pursuit of that sexual chemistry/intimacy clouded my judgment a little and i moved too fast for him. Now we are just friends. Which might be a good thing.

There are no men in rotation right now and I feel like I can breathe. And although I miss the intimacy, I think it’s better this way.

So if anyone is reading, stay tuned for the adventures of a single 31 year old who is on the verge of being bitter but still has some last remaining shreds of romanticism left in her heart. It’s usually pretty interesting in my neck of the woods.

Posted in Dave, In the beginning..., T---- | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

%d bloggers like this: