Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Posts Tagged ‘career’

We all just wanna be snowflakes

Posted by ashleeekaren on February 21, 2011

I have been quiet in the blogosphere for some time as there has been some things going on in my real life that have required my attention.

Leave it to my future baby daddy Solomon to snap me out of my digital silence.  While perusing his blog, I came across his latest post regarding an article from the Huffington Post written by a woman entitled, “Why You Aren’t Married”  I found the article itself to be well written, witty, and spot on in a lot of ways.  Solomon has a stimulating back and forth going on with a female commentator on his blog, mysteriously named “Author”.  Author does not like Solomon – that much is clear.  And since Author does not have a blog (that I know of) I can’t really say I know much more about her than that.

His response to one of her comments was particularly interesting and inspired me to blog about the swirl of thoughts it invoked…

You see, the *ONLY* thing that sets you apart and makes you special from a man is your ability to produce children. That’s why you’re so goddamn pissed off all the time: You can’t fulfill your biological purpose and you’re a lesser human being because of it. Though you may not know it, you can *feel* it so you try to explain your feelings away with a bunch of feminist rhetoric.

This got me thinking about another concept in the PUA blogosphere – snowflaking.  I have surmised that snowflaking is what a woman does when she wants a man to think she is different, that she is special (because apparently, no two actual snowflakes are ever alike).  Also according to PUA conceptualization, real life snowflakes DO in fact exist, but apparently do not reside in America.  I think the snowflake concept can be taken a politically correct step further to encompass the idea that human beings just want to feel special.  (Even those who DO reside in America)

And then that got me going down another path – feeling useless, feeling “un-special”,  and feeling like you have no purpose is perhaps one of the worst thing that could ever befall a person – woman or man.  Fulfilling my purpose, biologically, or otherwise, despite the fact that millions before me have done so, somehow makes me feel special.  Because I presently have no practical or desirable way to exercise that biological purpose (having children), I try to find my purpose elsewhere until, God willing, the stars align, I find a man of character that I am actually sexually attracted to, and we procreate together in a committed long term relationship.

So where all this mumbo-jumbo is going is this:  Solomon is right.  Now maybe I wouldn’t have put it exactly the way he said it, but the truth is this – if I can’t be a snowflake to man, then I want to be a snowflake somewhere else. I want to feel special because sometimes, I know I’m not.  And when I don’t feel special, when I can’t view myself as a snowflake (and not just in relation to a man) – yeah, it’s distressing.

If we were lucky as children, mommy AND daddy told us that we were special.  If we were unlucky, mommy and daddy didn’t tell us we were special at all and used some messed up reverse psychology to push us harder to succeed.  Either way, we grow up either trying to validate what our parents told us, or trying to prove to our parents (and/or ourselves) that we deserve to be told we are special.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel special. We all just wanna be snowflakes… but I think it’s probably a good idea to also live in reality and temper those feelings of snowflake fueled confidence with humility.

Posted in Hm. Inneresting... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 36 Comments »

The Journey Begins

Posted by ashleeekaren on August 28, 2010

It’s Friday night and I’m at home. There is no sex in my city tonight. Although I tend to think that’s ok. Mostly sex just gets me in trouble – wanting sex, chasing sex, having sex. So perhaps I should take sex out if my equation completely and see where that lands me. A social experiment if you will.

Now if you know me at all (which you probably don’t and if you haven’t guessed my name isn’t really Ashleee Karen, or Ashleee or Karen, or even a variation of either. My initials aren’t even the same. If my mom found out I was writing about sex and/or the lack of it, she would be mortified), then you would know that I tend to make grand statements.

I guess I want to know if you stop wanting relationships and/or sex – does that really fix anything? Or does it just make you bitter and undateable when you finally do decide to dive into the relationship pool?

I’ve been out of a relationship for almost 2 years now. The last guy I dated, we’ll call him T—-, was a bad alcoholic who had trouble finding and keeping a job. But Jesus, I really was madly in love with the guy. The sex was insane – chemistry was always really hot and on top of that, I was naive enough to believe that people could change. He didn’t want to change – he just wanted to pretend he changed cuz he wanted to be with me – and admission he finally made after the relationship was over. But really, it wasn’t his fault – he was who he was.

Since that relationship my career has taken off and I’m definitely enjoying finding out who I am and what I really want out of life. Now 31 years old, I find myself in the position that I’m sure millions of women find themselves in – What next?

So this brings me back to sex – since the breakup I have pursued that type of raw sexual chemistry I found with T—-, hoping it would eventually turn into the type of intimacy I used to crave being someone’s girlfriend. I know many people say it’s supposed to happen the other way around or and that it’s much healthier that way but hey…who hell knows anymore? The last guy I had sex with a couple weeks ago, we’ll call him Dave, I truly liked and wanted to get to know better, but my pursuit of that sexual chemistry/intimacy clouded my judgment a little and i moved too fast for him. Now we are just friends. Which might be a good thing.

There are no men in rotation right now and I feel like I can breathe. And although I miss the intimacy, I think it’s better this way.

So if anyone is reading, stay tuned for the adventures of a single 31 year old who is on the verge of being bitter but still has some last remaining shreds of romanticism left in her heart. It’s usually pretty interesting in my neck of the woods.

Posted in Dave, In the beginning..., T---- | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

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