Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Posts Tagged ‘Game’

Winning the Lottery

Posted by ashleeekaren on March 8, 2011


A close friend of mine who probably knows me better than anyone said to me the other day:

“You are someone who puts yourself out there – it’s your worst and best quality.”

I think what she meant by that (as it was said in the context of discussing what occurred with Big Guy) was that despite all of the terrible dates and bad guys I’ve dated, I keep putting myself out there to get hurt again…

Now keep in mind, none of the guys I’ve hung out with or dated in the past 2 and half years since I’ve been single have gotten anywhere close to my heart to the point where they could really hurt me. .. Sure, some of them might have annoyed me, or maybe I got a little sad about them… but actually getting to me??  Nah, never happened once.  Not like how T  did, or Martin…

One of my biggest fears is being so wrecked by my relationships with T and Martin that I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable with another guy again…so everytime I feel myself retreating back into my victim cave, I snap myself out of it.  I’ve gotta put myself out there.  I need to keep my heart open.

I still believe in love.

And yesterday I was thinking:  finding a man who will love you and you can love back, is like winning the lottery.  If I never buy a ticket, then I’ll never have a chance to win.  Sure, those odds may be small, but they are odds nonetheless.

I like playing the odds.  So I gotta keep buying those tickets…

Posted in Guys are awesome, Hm. Inneresting..., Just be happy, Why I'm doing this | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments »

Blogcockblock

Posted by ashleeekaren on March 4, 2011


The old Ashleee would’ve pretended to want a friends with benefits situation while secretly hoping he would change his mind.  The new Ashleee (with the help of some colorful comments on this blog and a good book) is learning and knows better.  After springing an Alpha move on me which I rejected, we had a surprisingly honest, adult conversation about our differing interests and amicably ended things.

So Solomon, I don’t know what his ceiling looks like, nor do I expect to – my womb is ready for us to bring forth the Anti-Christ.

Posted in Hm. Inneresting..., The Men in My Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments »

We all just wanna be snowflakes

Posted by ashleeekaren on February 21, 2011


I have been quiet in the blogosphere for some time as there has been some things going on in my real life that have required my attention.

Leave it to my future baby daddy Solomon to snap me out of my digital silence.  While perusing his blog, I came across his latest post regarding an article from the Huffington Post written by a woman entitled, “Why You Aren’t Married”  I found the article itself to be well written, witty, and spot on in a lot of ways.  Solomon has a stimulating back and forth going on with a female commentator on his blog, mysteriously named “Author”.  Author does not like Solomon – that much is clear.  And since Author does not have a blog (that I know of) I can’t really say I know much more about her than that.

His response to one of her comments was particularly interesting and inspired me to blog about the swirl of thoughts it invoked…

You see, the *ONLY* thing that sets you apart and makes you special from a man is your ability to produce children. That’s why you’re so goddamn pissed off all the time: You can’t fulfill your biological purpose and you’re a lesser human being because of it. Though you may not know it, you can *feel* it so you try to explain your feelings away with a bunch of feminist rhetoric.

This got me thinking about another concept in the PUA blogosphere – snowflaking.  I have surmised that snowflaking is what a woman does when she wants a man to think she is different, that she is special (because apparently, no two actual snowflakes are ever alike).  Also according to PUA conceptualization, real life snowflakes DO in fact exist, but apparently do not reside in America.  I think the snowflake concept can be taken a politically correct step further to encompass the idea that human beings just want to feel special.  (Even those who DO reside in America)

And then that got me going down another path – feeling useless, feeling “un-special”,  and feeling like you have no purpose is perhaps one of the worst thing that could ever befall a person – woman or man.  Fulfilling my purpose, biologically, or otherwise, despite the fact that millions before me have done so, somehow makes me feel special.  Because I presently have no practical or desirable way to exercise that biological purpose (having children), I try to find my purpose elsewhere until, God willing, the stars align, I find a man of character that I am actually sexually attracted to, and we procreate together in a committed long term relationship.

So where all this mumbo-jumbo is going is this:  Solomon is right.  Now maybe I wouldn’t have put it exactly the way he said it, but the truth is this – if I can’t be a snowflake to man, then I want to be a snowflake somewhere else. I want to feel special because sometimes, I know I’m not.  And when I don’t feel special, when I can’t view myself as a snowflake (and not just in relation to a man) – yeah, it’s distressing.

If we were lucky as children, mommy AND daddy told us that we were special.  If we were unlucky, mommy and daddy didn’t tell us we were special at all and used some messed up reverse psychology to push us harder to succeed.  Either way, we grow up either trying to validate what our parents told us, or trying to prove to our parents (and/or ourselves) that we deserve to be told we are special.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel special. We all just wanna be snowflakes… but I think it’s probably a good idea to also live in reality and temper those feelings of snowflake fueled confidence with humility.

Posted in Hm. Inneresting... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 36 Comments »

“You’re intimidating”

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 26, 2011


Although I have already decided that GT isn’t a long term match for me, there is something that is bothering me and I wanted to throw it out there to my readers.

What does it mean when a man says “You’re intimidating.”??

A little about me to give you a big picture:

1.  I’m a lawyer and I’ve been practicing for over 5 years now, but I don’t go around shoving it in people’s faces.  Often, I play it down, and don’t talk about it too much.   If I can avoid saying what I do for a living, I will.  Not because I’m not proud of it, but because I always get some weird reaction from it and I’d just as soon as not deal with it.

2.  I make good money.  I’m not the type to tell people what I make (here in LA, there are LOTS of people who feel they need to tell you how much they make, or how much something costs) I don’t go around telling people I’m rich, but I do have expensive taste and it tends to show.  Chanel, Gucci, Prada, Chloe, and Louis are all very close friends of mine…

3.  I will admit I am high maintainence – I get my nails and hair done religiously. I get my teeth whitened, and they are straight as an arrow.  I also get my eyebrows shaped, have done microderm abrasion, and laser hair removal.  I also have a bad shoe habit and like to get the latest gadgets.  Do I talk about this with guys I’m dating?  Not initially, no.  Do I ever expect anyone else to pay for any of that stuff? No.  I can pay for it myself.  Is it likely that people notice all this stuff?  Yes.  And no, I haven’t gotten any plastic surgery.

4. I’m aggressive in my job, but not the same way in my personal life.  I turn that off when I don’t have my lawyer hat on.  I would say I’m assertive and actually pretty easy going.

5.  I can be a ridiculous pushover and sucker.  The problem is that I see the good in everyone, doesn’t matter who they are, or what they did, I find something redeeming about everyone, even if I don’t like them as a person.  It’s also a good thing that I see people that way, but it gets me into trouble just as much as it benefits me.

Here’s the conversation between me and GT:

AK: I really need you to be more consistent with me.  I’m not saying I want to know if you’re my boyfriend or not, I’m just saying you should follow through with what you say you’re going to follow through with.

GT: The problem is that you’re intimidating…

AK: (puzzled look) How have I been intimidating you?

GT: It’s not anything you’re doing…it’s who you are…you’re secure in your life and I’m not. My life has been on hold for a long time because of x, y, z  (editing to protect his privacy).  And until I can a, b, c the x, y, z, then I won’t be in a position to give you what I know you deserve.

AK: But I know about x, y, and z, and it doesn’t bother me at all.  If it did, I wouldn’t be sitting here with you right now.

GT: I know it doesn’t because you’re such a sweet girl.  And when I think about you and me, of course I’m thinking long term…. Like, what are your parents going to think when they meet me?

AK: My parents? (Head cocked, eyes wide)

GT: Yeah, your parents.  I can tell they adore you and I don’t think they would like me very much because of x, y, z.

AK: My parents?  Why are we talking about my parents?

GT: Because I’ve been thinking about that…

AK: But why? I think you’re getting ahead of yourself.  It’s too soon for a conversation about you meeting my parents.  Let’s just figure out whether we are compatible with each other before we start throwing in family and what not…

GT: It’s just intimidating is all…

I see how he deflected his behavior onto me – I tell him he’s inconsistent and he basically says it’s my fault.  What he’s really saying is that because he’s starting to figure out that he won’t match up to me, there’s no point in him being consistent and reliable because he’s already decided it won’t go anywhere….  Another possibility is that he’s trying to intentionally mess with my head, but I didn’t get the sense that he was.  At least that’s my take on it.

But this “You’re intimidating” thing has come up several times with different guys so I’m curious what my readers think… Thoughts?

Posted in Grand Theft (GT), Guys are Jerks, Hm. Inneresting..., WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 35 Comments »

Just be happy.

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 17, 2011


View from my balcony - the sun is just barely coming up.

As I type this I am sitting on my enormous balcony overlooking the Sea of Cortez.  The sun is rising, and I can see the gentle splash of the water against the rocks on the beach.  Roaring softly in my ear, the sea is calming and a beautiful blue, clear and refreshing.  This is the most peaceful I have been in a long time.

I’ve been here in Cabo San Lucas for 4 days and today is my last.  It was a short vacation, but exactly what I needed to recharge.  Working as hard as I do, I’ve been lucky enough to be able to afford a luxurious ocean front room with top notch service.  Every need I’ve had has been attended to on this trip and as I sit here, taking in this beautiful view, it’s made me think.

My life is just fine.  In fact, my life is great.

Like many 31 year old women I have worried about finding someone to spend my life with, as if that will complete me.  I worry about being alone, being filled with regret, and being unhappy.  But a woman with laser like focus on finding a man, and the aforementioned worries, is anything but attractive and is everything most men run screaming from.  Just as pursuit of sex has gotten me into trouble, sparking the original, and now defunct Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010, I think the ragged pursuit of a life partner will also land me into trouble.

I’m not saying I want to stay single forever.  And I realize that many PUA’s will tell me that I’m running out of time and that my youth and beauty will fade… I know all this.  I have no illusions of trying to compete with women in their 20’s.  I know, short of plastic surgery, that my skin will sag, the wrinkles will one day set, and my lusturous mane of dark hair, will eventually turn grey.  But I’m willing to take that risk.  I would rather be old, happy, and single, than young, married and with a man who can’t make me happy.  

But if I just keep living my life, and being happy with it, then that happiness will attract the right person. Happiness is like a magnet.  Ever been at a party and hear a group of people laughing at something?  Maybe you look over and wonder what they’re laughing at, what’s so funny…?  You’re curious, you’re attracted, and you want to find out.  You want to know what’s so funny, so you can laugh too.

I think that’s my new approach – just be happy.  I am luckier than most people to have the life I live.  Some of that is a product of hard work, (this vacation wasn’t cheap), and some is the product of absolute luck.  So why focus on the things I don’t have?

Just be happy.

Posted in Just be happy | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments »

The Logistics of a Grand Theft Lunch

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 28, 2010


So I had my lunch date with Grand Theft on Weds and didn’t immediately post as the Thanksgiving holiday and eating large amounts of turkey took up most of my weekend.

I’m glad I didn’t post immediately, although sometimes the thoughts that are coming right out of your head are the best ones to write down.  I wanted to let the date simmer a bit, and think about all of the things I’ve been learning in this blogosphere and in the past year.

Some have commented that he is a PUA, but a “natural”.  That’s a definite possibility given his career and background.  (He’s a musician who has toured the world, worked with big names, and is talented in his own right.  I won’t tell you what kind of music he plays, nor who the big names are, nor what movies or projects he’s worked on.  But with all that under his belt, I’m SURE he has been getting all sorts of tail without having to try very hard.)  I try to keep an open mind when I read blogs and when people comment on my blog.  On top of that, I’m highly analytical but would be lying if I said my emotions (or rationalization hamster) can sometimes talk my way into and out of, nearly anything.

The Logistics:

  • It was a weekday.  Middle of the day, lunch, and he chose a neutral spot – an upscale neighborhood.  I don’t live close and neither does he.
  • Leading up to the date there have been no overtly sexual texting.  A little flirting, but most of it G rated.  He has a nickname for me, but it’s not R rated.
  • The restaurant he took me to was owned by a friend of his.  His friend was there and he introduced me.  They served beer and wine.  He didn’t ask if I wanted either. We both drank water.
  • The conversation never turned to sex or people we used to date or have sex with, etc, etc.
  • He paid and would not let me even go in for myself.

So there are the bullet points.  Here’s a little more detail:

I showed up about 20 minutes late. It was nightmare with all the traffic and parking, but he was totally cordial and nice about it. I was profusely apologetic but he wouldn’t even let me worry about it.  I was dressed cute – sexy with a sophisticated edge, so not slutty -black tights, grey suede cuffed boots, loose black top, no cleavage, and a black sweater.  Makeup was light – just mascara, lip gloss and a little blush.  He wore dark jeans, black t-shirt, newsboy cap and red converse.  I love red converse.

The conversation flowed for the most part.  I gotta admit, I was nervous as hell.  I don’t know what was wrong with me. I am usually pretty affable, conversational and easy to get along with. I am inquisitive but not intrusive, and I try to smile and laugh at all of your jokes.    But I was NERVOUS.  He set me at ease, asked me a lot of questions about myself and I returned the gesture.  If he was nervous, I couldn’t tell.

As I sat talking to him, I suddenly noticed he had blue eyes.  I mean, somewhere in my consciousness I think I knew he had blue eyes…but for some reason, as he talked, they struck me.  Hmm… I was becoming more and more attracted to him, even though the conversation was not overtly sexual…  I was trying to get to know him as a person, and not “Grand Theft-the musician”.

The bill came and I went to my purse. If a guy is the one asking me out, I prefer if he pays, but I always offer to at least pay for myself.  It’s only polite, and I don’t want the guy to think I’m out for a free lunch.  He wouldn’t let me pay so I said, “Ok, next one is on me.”  I smiled warmly at him and then said, “You like McDonalds?”  He laughed and said, “Yeah can I get the McChicken Grilled Sandwich?”  I didn’t miss a beat and replied, “Well…let’s not get crazy – only if it’s on the Extra Value Menu.”  We both laughed.

There was a slight lull in the conversation.  Then:

AK: You know, you have a lot of balls asking me out.

GT: (Smiling cautiously) Oh yeah? Why is that?

AK: Well, just the situation…  You being you, and me being me.  (That’s a paraphrase to protect private details -sorry)

GT: Ok…

AK: (Realizing how arrogant that came across)  No, no, I mean that in a good way.  Just put it this way – there have been a lot of guys who X (more editing) and I always say no.  You’re the first one I’ve said yes to.

(I’m watching him as he finally breaks out into a smile, turns his head to the side,  looks pleased with himself, then turns back to me)

GT: Well…I gotta keep it gangster.

I was also watching for PUA signs.  No negs, no kino – he didn’t even put his hand on the small of my back as he led me through the door (one move I’m a SUCKER for).  Although, I do have to disclose there was plenty of that at the party a couple weeks ago.  He walked me to my car like a perfect gentleman.  Didn’t try to hold my hand or put his arm around my shoulder (although that would’ve been hard as I was wearing boots with 3 inch heels, making me almost 6 ft).  NOTHING.

He gave me a kiss on the lips and a hug and said the dreaded, “We should do this again soon.” I stopped and looked at him and said, “Yeah?”  He said, “Yes absolutely.”  But he didn’t lock it down.

I texted him the next day to thank him again for lunch and let him know I had a nice time.  He texted back a cute reply and I haven’t texted him since. It’s been 3 days and I don’t know why I just don’t text him.  Maybe I’m not sure if he likes me and I want to see how he responds.  Maybe he’s not interested…

Or… maybe I’m just an idiot and I don’t know how to deal with a guy who is actually nice.  In the past 2 years I’ve been single and going out on dates, this is probably the nicest date I’ve been on.  Not because he took me to an upscale restaurant.  Not because he’s a musician, and not because he paid.  But because for the first time in the past 2 years, I feel like someone is genuinely interested in me as a person.  That was an adult date.  No one was trying to get in anyone’s head (at least I don’t think so), or in anyone’s pants.  He didn’t look at me with what I call “pervert eyes”, but actual sincere interest.

And even though he didn’t look at me with pervert eyes, I was imagining having sex with him. If I can imagine having sex with a guy, then I know I like him.  I hope I didn’t look at HIM with pervert eyes…  Anyway, I imagined us having sex in my bedroom – I imagine him to be a slow kisser at first, attentive, sweet, but after awhile, rough and sloppy in the sexiest way possible…  I imagined waking up in the morning to him sliding his hands across my back and stomach, and pulling me in closer to him…

I almost hope GT doesn’t text…I can already see I’ll be in trouble…

Thoughts on his logistics?  Do we have an Alpha? A Beta? Or is it too soon to tell…?  Should I text him back?  And should he be a candidate for aiding me in ending my project…?

Posted in Crushes during Celibacy, Grand Theft (GT), Guys are awesome | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments »

Do boots attract Betas?

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 7, 2010


First, I want to start off by saying that I am honored that Paul the King mentioned my blog.  Pretty cool.

 

 

Ok, onto my boots.

These are my Beta Magnet Boots

I always plan my outfits the night before to save myself some time in the morning – I think it’s important to look put together.  I always try to look professional, while remaining youthful and stylish.  I feel more comfortable dressed like that as opposed to having to get into some stuffy looking granny suit my Mom would wear.  I put on a nice black dress today with black tights and knee high boots and paired it with a herringbone wool jacket and a long dangley necklace.  Trendy, yet professional.  The dress was probably half an inch higher than I would normally wear, but I figured with the black tights and the high boots, the length wouldn’t be a big deal.  I double checked with a guy friend of mine and he said, no you look professional, don’t worry. (You never want to be that lawyer who walks into court and everyone is talking about you after you leave cause you dressed like a slut).

But apparently that half inch made a huge difference because I got hit on by 3 guys today.  None of them were Alphas apparently since they didn’t ask for my number.  1 guy is a bailiff in a court I go to here and there so I suspect maybe he wants to circle for awhile before he makes a move. Who knows?  Anyway, I found it interesting that they had enough balls to come up to me, but not to close.  I don’t think I was stand offish, which I can be when I’m not interested. Polite, but stand offish.  But all 3 of these guys I thought to be cute.  One of them said, “You’re gorgeous” but choked after that and couldn’t close.

Were these men Betas? Had everything I’d been reading about in all these blogs just been realized right in front of me?!

If a guy is interested in me, and he has the balls to show it, I know enough to show my appreciation for this courage and reciprocate interest. (Assuming I’m attracted to him, of course).  However, I don’t think I want to take it a step further (like I used to). I think the reciprocation is enough and a REAL man will pick up on it and try to close the deal.  Ask for my number you morons!  If I’m giving you the time of day, go ahead and ask!  Chances are, I’ll probably say yes!

Now that leads to the next query – what’s the point in giving guys my number right now if I’m trying to remain celibate for a year?  Hmmm….haven’t figured that out quite yet.  Thoughts?

Posted in Hm. Inneresting..., Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

The Beta in My Life

Posted by ashleeekaren on October 2, 2010


Martin is my Beta.

Martin and I met when I was about 22 or 23.  I was going into my 2nd year in law school.  He had gone to my high school but we weren’t there at the same time.  He used to play basketball down at the park with my guy friends, who I would sometimes join.  We met at a bar and dated for about 2 years, give or take a few months.

Martin is 5 years older than me.  We always got along so well – barely ever fought, the sex was good (not mind blowing, but perfectly satisfactory), and I felt like I was in a happy, healthy relationship.  My friends loved him, my Dad loved him, my Mom…not so much, but that’s only because he never graduated from college.  At the time we met he was doing a job that required a lot of manual labor, but he was laid off.  He immediately found an office job in the same industry and started off in an entry level position.

I remember one night we were getting ready for bed and he walked in from the bathroom.  He was hairy as hell and a little tubby but I remember thinking, “Dammit he’s fat and hairy — but I love him.”

One day about a year and half into the relationship he said to me out of the blue, “I don’t think I want to have kids.”  I was puzzled since we never had talks about kids or marriage – I was only 23 or 24 at the time and hadn’t even graduated law school. I wasn’t ready to have those conversations with him.  But here it was, ready to slap me in the face.

“Like, ever?” I asked.

“Yeah, like ever.”

Hmmmm…. that was going to be a problem.  At that point in my life I was 70/30 about having kids, 70 for having kids, 30 for not.  (As I’ve gotten older, that number vacillates between 50/50 and 60/40.)  I didn’t know whether I wanted to be with someone who was completely 100% against it.

It wasn’t that I wanted to have kids right away.  It was more that I didn’t want to waste my time with someone who couldn’t even consider the possibility.  It was going to be a deal breaker eventually.  But in the meantime, I let him know I was kinda disappointed with that and didn’t really talk about it again.

A few months go by, no arguing, no fighting and then he says, “I’m thinking of moving.”  I thought that was odd since he had just moved into his apartment…

He was feeling restless. He wanted out of his town – he had lived there all his life and wanted to know what it felt like to live somewhere else.  He was going to go up north and stay with a friend.  Just quit his job and go.  I wanted to go with him, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen.  I had just gotten an offer to work my dream job – there was no way I was giving that up based on this flight of fancy upon which he was about to embark.

A few months later, he was gone.  I had begged him not to go since he was insistent there was no way we could do a long distance relationship.  I was willing to try – he wasn’t.  It was awful. I stayed in bed for days and then started going out and dating everything in sight.  That’s when I eventually met T—-, the next love/catastrophe of my life.

After a couple months of Martin being gone, he called me one day and admitted to me that he had made a mistake. He wanted to come back. He wanted to get back together. He wanted to have kids and get married. He always wanted those things but he was just too scared to admit it and he had to lose what he had in order to understand how important it was to him.

By then it was too late – I had fallen for T—- but I didn’t have the balls to tell Martin, especially since I did still love him.  So even though I was still angry with him, I told him to come back – he did and we decided to go ring shopping.  T—- and I had had a falling out and he wasn’t around so Martin was the perfect fill in.  Plus he was such a nice guy and he loved me so much….

Eventually I cheated on Martin with T—-.  I felt awful and told Martin about it.  We broke up.  I felt awful and the only thing that made me feel better was T—-.  Eventually we got serious and I kept Martin in the back of my mind…

Anyway, Martin and I are friends now and have been ever since I broke up with T—-.  I haven’t had sex with him, although we did mess around a few times here and there…even though he is the world’s nicest guy I just don’t know if we are compatible anymore.  The things that I didn’t care about really bug me now –  he’s not very articulate, he didn’t graduate college, and he has no goals or ambitions other than to have fun.  He still lives in the same crummy apartment he did 7 years ago and has nothing put away for a house or anything like that.

I suppose it may be hard to understand why those things bug me so much now without the benefit of the full story of T—-.  That story, even after 2 years, is a bit too raw for me, but I plan to post about it soon.

I want an Alpha AND a Beta.  Is that even possible?

Posted in Martin, T----, The Men in My Life | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

 
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