Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Posts Tagged ‘random thoughts’

Apathy is the new black

Posted by ashleeekaren on May 5, 2011


…at least for me it is.

I have been silent for awhile… and no, it’s not because I have been having all sorts of amazing sex…it’s because I’ve been apathetic.

Where did this all start??

I found out Martin has a new girlfriend… stupid Facebook.  I hate Facebook…  I didn’t even go on there and my friend had to shove it in my face early one morning…  And even though I had let Martin go, couldn’t bear to keep him around as a beta orbiter for my own selfish needs, I never in a MILLION years expected to react the way I did…

Which was to start crying and then go day drinking and end up a puddled, blabbering mess by 4pm.

I think that triggered it…

And then a couple weeks later, every freaking loser I’ve dated and then subsequently ignored called me.  Monday – Loser #1, Tuesday Loser #2, Weds – ran into Loser #3.   Then on Thurs went out on a date with Old Dorky Guy #1 who, from his pics, looked about 20 years younger than he actually did in person. (eharmony date – needless to say, I cancelled my subscription shortly after).  Did I mention that Loser #1 had actually called and texted me a couple weeks before that Monday, and I ignored him then too?? OH, and did I mention that the Evil T also texted that same weekend.

All of this put me in an emotional tizzy. I’m sensitive.  TOO sensitive, and I think it was time that something…snapped.  I’m sick of allowing these men to affect me the way they do.

And as Rivelino advised me awhile back – don’t just write about dating – write about what you want.

And here’s what I want –

I don’t want to feel anything.

I am not very good at dating.  I don’t think I ever have been.  I am good at getting dates, but not actually dating. I lose my head. I fall in love, I get my feelings hurt, and my heart broken.  No more.

What have any of these relationships ever done for me?  Nothing.  NOTHING!  Well, maybe I’ve learned a lesson or two, the most important being: DON’T DATE ANYMORE!

And I’m not here to blame it on men.  Although some of them are jerks, but just as many of them are nice.  It’s really all my fault.  All of it.  All the bad decisions, the bruised pride, the shattered heart… all of it is my fault.  And I don’t seem to be changing my tune, because I still go after the bad boys and they still go after me.   Ok, ok, admittedly, the 2 nice guys I’ve gone out with in the past 3 years since I’ve been single weren’t exactly matches for me – one wore his button up shirt unbuttoned too low showing his gaudy gold chain, which only emphasized the tragedy of his pointy alligator shoes… and the other…well… the other nice guy had a small penis and talked too much.  Again, not a match.

So I’ve turned off the emotions.  Stopped responding to male attention – for example was hit on yesterday at the grocery store, guy chatted me up in the frozen section and nearly stalked me around the store until checkout.  Then told me how sexy I was in the parking lot.  He was totally my type.  He gave me his number.  I’ve already thrown it away.  Ron has been texting me a lot lately too and haven’t responded to any of his texts…

And yes, I know this means I’m wasting what little beauty my quickly waning youth has afforded me.  But this just beats the alternative – up and down, left and right, feeling happy, then sad, then stupid and resentful.  Enough already.

Posted in Hm. Inneresting..., Just. Awful., Martin, Ron, Rules, T----, WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments »

I burn too…

Posted by ashleeekaren on March 24, 2011


I’ve been insanely busy lately and was going to wait to post something until work had calmed down but I’ve gotten some comments lately inquiring as to whether I’ve quit the blog.  Then I read Racer X and a recent post he made about sexual desire and it inspired me, so here I am.

Racer X talks about a woman with whom he has an intense sexual connection, yet they haven’t had sex.

There is one girl I have been enjoying an unfulfilled sexual tryst with for a few years now. For various reasons I have chosen not to pursue her beyond the merely verbal and emotional, but we are both aware of our mutual desires for each other. In such situations you can feel the tension in the room whenever we are together.

That’s exactly how I feel about Big Guy… Yes, yes…Big Guy, who I so proudly rejected just a few short weeks ago.  But I haven’ t been able to get him out of my head and that stupid post it he handed me with his phone number keeps staring at my from my desk.  I should just toss it.  And erase his number.  But I haven’t…because I don’t want to.

In FACT, I burn so much for Big Guy that I ended up consummating my bathroom relationship with Bathroom Makeout Guy, aka Ethan.  Bathroom Makeout Guy is easy, uncomplicated (or so I thought) and I know exactly what he is – just fun.  Plus he has a ridiculous body.  Unfortunately any further bathroom makeout sessions have been cancelled indefinitely since his roommate, my friend, found out and is extremely uncomfortable with it.

This is unfortunate as my plan was to preoccupy myself with Bathroom Makeout Guy to avoid any burning desire to make a dumb excuse to call Big Guy.  Luckily, work has been so crazy busy that I haven’t had too much time to let my mind wander about him.

I wonder what it will be like when we run into each other (because we will eventually due to some unavoidable obligations we both have separately).  According to a friend of mine I have no poker face when it comes to a guy I’m attracted to.  “I can see it in your eyes – you don’t hold back.”  I wonder if I could work on that…I’m afraid he will see how much I want to let him take control, tell me what to do, and have his way with me.  That was part of my attraction to him – because of his imposing size and his personality I felt completely out of control…and I liked it.  I spend so much of my time trying to be in control of situations with work and business that when I’m with a man, I don’t want to control anything. I want to trust him enough to be able to do what he wants without hurting me…not just physically/sexually, but emotionally as well…

 

 

Posted in Bathroom Makeout Guy (BMG), Big Guy, Sexytime | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 47 Comments »

Winning the Lottery

Posted by ashleeekaren on March 8, 2011


A close friend of mine who probably knows me better than anyone said to me the other day:

“You are someone who puts yourself out there – it’s your worst and best quality.”

I think what she meant by that (as it was said in the context of discussing what occurred with Big Guy) was that despite all of the terrible dates and bad guys I’ve dated, I keep putting myself out there to get hurt again…

Now keep in mind, none of the guys I’ve hung out with or dated in the past 2 and half years since I’ve been single have gotten anywhere close to my heart to the point where they could really hurt me. .. Sure, some of them might have annoyed me, or maybe I got a little sad about them… but actually getting to me??  Nah, never happened once.  Not like how T  did, or Martin…

One of my biggest fears is being so wrecked by my relationships with T and Martin that I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable with another guy again…so everytime I feel myself retreating back into my victim cave, I snap myself out of it.  I’ve gotta put myself out there.  I need to keep my heart open.

I still believe in love.

And yesterday I was thinking:  finding a man who will love you and you can love back, is like winning the lottery.  If I never buy a ticket, then I’ll never have a chance to win.  Sure, those odds may be small, but they are odds nonetheless.

I like playing the odds.  So I gotta keep buying those tickets…

Posted in Guys are awesome, Hm. Inneresting..., Just be happy, Why I'm doing this | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments »

We all just wanna be snowflakes

Posted by ashleeekaren on February 21, 2011


I have been quiet in the blogosphere for some time as there has been some things going on in my real life that have required my attention.

Leave it to my future baby daddy Solomon to snap me out of my digital silence.  While perusing his blog, I came across his latest post regarding an article from the Huffington Post written by a woman entitled, “Why You Aren’t Married”  I found the article itself to be well written, witty, and spot on in a lot of ways.  Solomon has a stimulating back and forth going on with a female commentator on his blog, mysteriously named “Author”.  Author does not like Solomon – that much is clear.  And since Author does not have a blog (that I know of) I can’t really say I know much more about her than that.

His response to one of her comments was particularly interesting and inspired me to blog about the swirl of thoughts it invoked…

You see, the *ONLY* thing that sets you apart and makes you special from a man is your ability to produce children. That’s why you’re so goddamn pissed off all the time: You can’t fulfill your biological purpose and you’re a lesser human being because of it. Though you may not know it, you can *feel* it so you try to explain your feelings away with a bunch of feminist rhetoric.

This got me thinking about another concept in the PUA blogosphere – snowflaking.  I have surmised that snowflaking is what a woman does when she wants a man to think she is different, that she is special (because apparently, no two actual snowflakes are ever alike).  Also according to PUA conceptualization, real life snowflakes DO in fact exist, but apparently do not reside in America.  I think the snowflake concept can be taken a politically correct step further to encompass the idea that human beings just want to feel special.  (Even those who DO reside in America)

And then that got me going down another path – feeling useless, feeling “un-special”,  and feeling like you have no purpose is perhaps one of the worst thing that could ever befall a person – woman or man.  Fulfilling my purpose, biologically, or otherwise, despite the fact that millions before me have done so, somehow makes me feel special.  Because I presently have no practical or desirable way to exercise that biological purpose (having children), I try to find my purpose elsewhere until, God willing, the stars align, I find a man of character that I am actually sexually attracted to, and we procreate together in a committed long term relationship.

So where all this mumbo-jumbo is going is this:  Solomon is right.  Now maybe I wouldn’t have put it exactly the way he said it, but the truth is this – if I can’t be a snowflake to man, then I want to be a snowflake somewhere else. I want to feel special because sometimes, I know I’m not.  And when I don’t feel special, when I can’t view myself as a snowflake (and not just in relation to a man) – yeah, it’s distressing.

If we were lucky as children, mommy AND daddy told us that we were special.  If we were unlucky, mommy and daddy didn’t tell us we were special at all and used some messed up reverse psychology to push us harder to succeed.  Either way, we grow up either trying to validate what our parents told us, or trying to prove to our parents (and/or ourselves) that we deserve to be told we are special.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel special. We all just wanna be snowflakes… but I think it’s probably a good idea to also live in reality and temper those feelings of snowflake fueled confidence with humility.

Posted in Hm. Inneresting... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 36 Comments »

“The Most Important Thing You’ll Ever Do”

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 29, 2011


Yes, it’s Friday night and I’m at home blogging… I think I’m coming down with something and Fringe is on, so I thought it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to stay in tonight.

Today I went to lunch with two friends of mine that I knew from my old job.   Mary is out on maternity leave and has a 5 month old bouncing baby boy.  Adrienne has a 10 month old adorable baby girl and has been back to work for a few months.  It had taken some time for the 3 of us to coordinate our schedules since we are all pretty busy, but I was glad to finally be able to sit and spend time with them and catch up.

Both babies were beautiful but…Mary’s baby boy made my heart stop.  Mary is Asian (like me) and seeing her baby made me think about what mine, if I were to ever have one, would look like…

We caught up briefly, asking about each other’s families, etc, etc and the talk soon turned to weaning baby off bottle, and at what point to start feeding solids… needless to say I had nothing to really contribute, but did my best to look interested and ask pointed questions throughout the conversation.  Mary wanted advice from Adrienne about sleep schedules and how to avoid diaper leaks at night…

I took turns playing with and holding each baby to give their mommies time to eat lunch and a moment away from fussing baby. I’m good with kids – I love them, and usually they love me.  I bounced Baby Boy on my lap, and wiped drool off teething Baby Girl’s chin, while the two moms chatted.  I was very intent on the crazy faces I was making to induce toothless, gummy laughter from both children, but I still picked up on the conversation.  And I heard this:

“Having a child is the most important thing you’ll ever do.”

If it wasn’t already mind numbingly obvious, I was the only woman at the table without a child, and on top of that, I wasn’t anywhere even close.

I politely pretended that I didn’t hear what Adrienne had said.  I didn’t want her to engage in an awkward reassurance, because she’s so sweet she would try.  And I didn’t want her to see the look on my face, because I’m not sure what it would reveal.

I look at my life and think for the most part, things are fine the way they are. Sure, I could use some help in the romance department, but otherwise, I’m pretty happy.  But that comment made me think – if having a child is the most important thing a person can do…what does that mean about my life?

Children are a wonderful thing.  A chance for you to leave something of yourself here in this world, long after your gone.  A living, breathing, human being whom you love unconditionally… I know why people want children.

I think I would like to have a child, but I don’t want to have a child just to have one… I want the whole package – mommy, daddy, and baby.  And I don’t want to have a child with just any man – I want to have a child with a man who will always be in his child’s life, regardless of whether the love between he and I, blooms or fades…a man who my child can always rely upon.  I know that if I never find the man that I am confident will be a great father, then it is likely I will never have a child.

So…if having a child is the most important thing I’ll ever do…what does it mean if I never have one?

Thoughts?

 

Posted in Rubbing it in, WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments »

“You’re intimidating”

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 26, 2011


Although I have already decided that GT isn’t a long term match for me, there is something that is bothering me and I wanted to throw it out there to my readers.

What does it mean when a man says “You’re intimidating.”??

A little about me to give you a big picture:

1.  I’m a lawyer and I’ve been practicing for over 5 years now, but I don’t go around shoving it in people’s faces.  Often, I play it down, and don’t talk about it too much.   If I can avoid saying what I do for a living, I will.  Not because I’m not proud of it, but because I always get some weird reaction from it and I’d just as soon as not deal with it.

2.  I make good money.  I’m not the type to tell people what I make (here in LA, there are LOTS of people who feel they need to tell you how much they make, or how much something costs) I don’t go around telling people I’m rich, but I do have expensive taste and it tends to show.  Chanel, Gucci, Prada, Chloe, and Louis are all very close friends of mine…

3.  I will admit I am high maintainence – I get my nails and hair done religiously. I get my teeth whitened, and they are straight as an arrow.  I also get my eyebrows shaped, have done microderm abrasion, and laser hair removal.  I also have a bad shoe habit and like to get the latest gadgets.  Do I talk about this with guys I’m dating?  Not initially, no.  Do I ever expect anyone else to pay for any of that stuff? No.  I can pay for it myself.  Is it likely that people notice all this stuff?  Yes.  And no, I haven’t gotten any plastic surgery.

4. I’m aggressive in my job, but not the same way in my personal life.  I turn that off when I don’t have my lawyer hat on.  I would say I’m assertive and actually pretty easy going.

5.  I can be a ridiculous pushover and sucker.  The problem is that I see the good in everyone, doesn’t matter who they are, or what they did, I find something redeeming about everyone, even if I don’t like them as a person.  It’s also a good thing that I see people that way, but it gets me into trouble just as much as it benefits me.

Here’s the conversation between me and GT:

AK: I really need you to be more consistent with me.  I’m not saying I want to know if you’re my boyfriend or not, I’m just saying you should follow through with what you say you’re going to follow through with.

GT: The problem is that you’re intimidating…

AK: (puzzled look) How have I been intimidating you?

GT: It’s not anything you’re doing…it’s who you are…you’re secure in your life and I’m not. My life has been on hold for a long time because of x, y, z  (editing to protect his privacy).  And until I can a, b, c the x, y, z, then I won’t be in a position to give you what I know you deserve.

AK: But I know about x, y, and z, and it doesn’t bother me at all.  If it did, I wouldn’t be sitting here with you right now.

GT: I know it doesn’t because you’re such a sweet girl.  And when I think about you and me, of course I’m thinking long term…. Like, what are your parents going to think when they meet me?

AK: My parents? (Head cocked, eyes wide)

GT: Yeah, your parents.  I can tell they adore you and I don’t think they would like me very much because of x, y, z.

AK: My parents?  Why are we talking about my parents?

GT: Because I’ve been thinking about that…

AK: But why? I think you’re getting ahead of yourself.  It’s too soon for a conversation about you meeting my parents.  Let’s just figure out whether we are compatible with each other before we start throwing in family and what not…

GT: It’s just intimidating is all…

I see how he deflected his behavior onto me – I tell him he’s inconsistent and he basically says it’s my fault.  What he’s really saying is that because he’s starting to figure out that he won’t match up to me, there’s no point in him being consistent and reliable because he’s already decided it won’t go anywhere….  Another possibility is that he’s trying to intentionally mess with my head, but I didn’t get the sense that he was.  At least that’s my take on it.

But this “You’re intimidating” thing has come up several times with different guys so I’m curious what my readers think… Thoughts?

Posted in Grand Theft (GT), Guys are Jerks, Hm. Inneresting..., WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 35 Comments »

Just be happy.

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 17, 2011


View from my balcony - the sun is just barely coming up.

As I type this I am sitting on my enormous balcony overlooking the Sea of Cortez.  The sun is rising, and I can see the gentle splash of the water against the rocks on the beach.  Roaring softly in my ear, the sea is calming and a beautiful blue, clear and refreshing.  This is the most peaceful I have been in a long time.

I’ve been here in Cabo San Lucas for 4 days and today is my last.  It was a short vacation, but exactly what I needed to recharge.  Working as hard as I do, I’ve been lucky enough to be able to afford a luxurious ocean front room with top notch service.  Every need I’ve had has been attended to on this trip and as I sit here, taking in this beautiful view, it’s made me think.

My life is just fine.  In fact, my life is great.

Like many 31 year old women I have worried about finding someone to spend my life with, as if that will complete me.  I worry about being alone, being filled with regret, and being unhappy.  But a woman with laser like focus on finding a man, and the aforementioned worries, is anything but attractive and is everything most men run screaming from.  Just as pursuit of sex has gotten me into trouble, sparking the original, and now defunct Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010, I think the ragged pursuit of a life partner will also land me into trouble.

I’m not saying I want to stay single forever.  And I realize that many PUA’s will tell me that I’m running out of time and that my youth and beauty will fade… I know all this.  I have no illusions of trying to compete with women in their 20’s.  I know, short of plastic surgery, that my skin will sag, the wrinkles will one day set, and my lusturous mane of dark hair, will eventually turn grey.  But I’m willing to take that risk.  I would rather be old, happy, and single, than young, married and with a man who can’t make me happy.  

But if I just keep living my life, and being happy with it, then that happiness will attract the right person. Happiness is like a magnet.  Ever been at a party and hear a group of people laughing at something?  Maybe you look over and wonder what they’re laughing at, what’s so funny…?  You’re curious, you’re attracted, and you want to find out.  You want to know what’s so funny, so you can laugh too.

I think that’s my new approach – just be happy.  I am luckier than most people to have the life I live.  Some of that is a product of hard work, (this vacation wasn’t cheap), and some is the product of absolute luck.  So why focus on the things I don’t have?

Just be happy.

Posted in Just be happy | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments »

The Logistics of a Grand Theft Lunch

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 28, 2010


So I had my lunch date with Grand Theft on Weds and didn’t immediately post as the Thanksgiving holiday and eating large amounts of turkey took up most of my weekend.

I’m glad I didn’t post immediately, although sometimes the thoughts that are coming right out of your head are the best ones to write down.  I wanted to let the date simmer a bit, and think about all of the things I’ve been learning in this blogosphere and in the past year.

Some have commented that he is a PUA, but a “natural”.  That’s a definite possibility given his career and background.  (He’s a musician who has toured the world, worked with big names, and is talented in his own right.  I won’t tell you what kind of music he plays, nor who the big names are, nor what movies or projects he’s worked on.  But with all that under his belt, I’m SURE he has been getting all sorts of tail without having to try very hard.)  I try to keep an open mind when I read blogs and when people comment on my blog.  On top of that, I’m highly analytical but would be lying if I said my emotions (or rationalization hamster) can sometimes talk my way into and out of, nearly anything.

The Logistics:

  • It was a weekday.  Middle of the day, lunch, and he chose a neutral spot – an upscale neighborhood.  I don’t live close and neither does he.
  • Leading up to the date there have been no overtly sexual texting.  A little flirting, but most of it G rated.  He has a nickname for me, but it’s not R rated.
  • The restaurant he took me to was owned by a friend of his.  His friend was there and he introduced me.  They served beer and wine.  He didn’t ask if I wanted either. We both drank water.
  • The conversation never turned to sex or people we used to date or have sex with, etc, etc.
  • He paid and would not let me even go in for myself.

So there are the bullet points.  Here’s a little more detail:

I showed up about 20 minutes late. It was nightmare with all the traffic and parking, but he was totally cordial and nice about it. I was profusely apologetic but he wouldn’t even let me worry about it.  I was dressed cute – sexy with a sophisticated edge, so not slutty -black tights, grey suede cuffed boots, loose black top, no cleavage, and a black sweater.  Makeup was light – just mascara, lip gloss and a little blush.  He wore dark jeans, black t-shirt, newsboy cap and red converse.  I love red converse.

The conversation flowed for the most part.  I gotta admit, I was nervous as hell.  I don’t know what was wrong with me. I am usually pretty affable, conversational and easy to get along with. I am inquisitive but not intrusive, and I try to smile and laugh at all of your jokes.    But I was NERVOUS.  He set me at ease, asked me a lot of questions about myself and I returned the gesture.  If he was nervous, I couldn’t tell.

As I sat talking to him, I suddenly noticed he had blue eyes.  I mean, somewhere in my consciousness I think I knew he had blue eyes…but for some reason, as he talked, they struck me.  Hmm… I was becoming more and more attracted to him, even though the conversation was not overtly sexual…  I was trying to get to know him as a person, and not “Grand Theft-the musician”.

The bill came and I went to my purse. If a guy is the one asking me out, I prefer if he pays, but I always offer to at least pay for myself.  It’s only polite, and I don’t want the guy to think I’m out for a free lunch.  He wouldn’t let me pay so I said, “Ok, next one is on me.”  I smiled warmly at him and then said, “You like McDonalds?”  He laughed and said, “Yeah can I get the McChicken Grilled Sandwich?”  I didn’t miss a beat and replied, “Well…let’s not get crazy – only if it’s on the Extra Value Menu.”  We both laughed.

There was a slight lull in the conversation.  Then:

AK: You know, you have a lot of balls asking me out.

GT: (Smiling cautiously) Oh yeah? Why is that?

AK: Well, just the situation…  You being you, and me being me.  (That’s a paraphrase to protect private details -sorry)

GT: Ok…

AK: (Realizing how arrogant that came across)  No, no, I mean that in a good way.  Just put it this way – there have been a lot of guys who X (more editing) and I always say no.  You’re the first one I’ve said yes to.

(I’m watching him as he finally breaks out into a smile, turns his head to the side,  looks pleased with himself, then turns back to me)

GT: Well…I gotta keep it gangster.

I was also watching for PUA signs.  No negs, no kino – he didn’t even put his hand on the small of my back as he led me through the door (one move I’m a SUCKER for).  Although, I do have to disclose there was plenty of that at the party a couple weeks ago.  He walked me to my car like a perfect gentleman.  Didn’t try to hold my hand or put his arm around my shoulder (although that would’ve been hard as I was wearing boots with 3 inch heels, making me almost 6 ft).  NOTHING.

He gave me a kiss on the lips and a hug and said the dreaded, “We should do this again soon.” I stopped and looked at him and said, “Yeah?”  He said, “Yes absolutely.”  But he didn’t lock it down.

I texted him the next day to thank him again for lunch and let him know I had a nice time.  He texted back a cute reply and I haven’t texted him since. It’s been 3 days and I don’t know why I just don’t text him.  Maybe I’m not sure if he likes me and I want to see how he responds.  Maybe he’s not interested…

Or… maybe I’m just an idiot and I don’t know how to deal with a guy who is actually nice.  In the past 2 years I’ve been single and going out on dates, this is probably the nicest date I’ve been on.  Not because he took me to an upscale restaurant.  Not because he’s a musician, and not because he paid.  But because for the first time in the past 2 years, I feel like someone is genuinely interested in me as a person.  That was an adult date.  No one was trying to get in anyone’s head (at least I don’t think so), or in anyone’s pants.  He didn’t look at me with what I call “pervert eyes”, but actual sincere interest.

And even though he didn’t look at me with pervert eyes, I was imagining having sex with him. If I can imagine having sex with a guy, then I know I like him.  I hope I didn’t look at HIM with pervert eyes…  Anyway, I imagined us having sex in my bedroom – I imagine him to be a slow kisser at first, attentive, sweet, but after awhile, rough and sloppy in the sexiest way possible…  I imagined waking up in the morning to him sliding his hands across my back and stomach, and pulling me in closer to him…

I almost hope GT doesn’t text…I can already see I’ll be in trouble…

Thoughts on his logistics?  Do we have an Alpha? A Beta? Or is it too soon to tell…?  Should I text him back?  And should he be a candidate for aiding me in ending my project…?

Posted in Crushes during Celibacy, Grand Theft (GT), Guys are awesome | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments »

A weekend review and Monday musing: Does celibate = boring and bored…?

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 22, 2010


Weekend Review

After last weeks hectic work week I was excited for the weekend.  Ready to have a drink (or two, or three) and relax with friends.  Friday night brought the new Harry Potter film and yes, I am a nerd so I was super excited to watch it.  So Friday was a generally wholesome night.

Grand Theft texted me Friday night to say hello and say we should hang soon.  I was worried…was he trying to booty call me?  So I told him I would like that and left it at that.  Wanted to see what his reaction would be.  He called.  The first few minutes we exchanged pleasantries, hi, how are you, blah blah blah.  Then…:

GT: So I’d really like to take you out, maybe get some lunch.  What’s your schedule like next week?

AK: Weds is good for me.

GT: Great, then lets do Weds for lunch….And by the way, you know, don’t be afraid to call me…

AK: Afraid?  I’m not afraid… (puzzled tone)

GT:  I just mean that you’re a grown woman, independent, on point…you shouldn’t be afraid to do what you want and if you want to call or text me, you should.  I’m interested in you and if you’re interested in me, then you shouldn’t be afraid to show it.  I’m not going to baby you…

AK: (nervous laugh – I sometimes laugh when I’m nervous in social situations) Baby me?

GT: I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ll baby you in other ways, but not like that.

AK: (I was dying to have him elaborate on what these “other ways” were but I didn’t want the conversation to turn towards sex) Ok, got it.

GT: Good, good.  I hope I hear from you then.

AK: You will (a challenge, huh?) Good night.

Hmmmm…inneresting.  I thought the direct approach was refreshing…but because I’ve been reading too many damn blogs, I started over analyze everything he said…is he trying to set the tone? .Or is he just insecure and needs someone to stroke his ego…? Or maybe because he is who he is, he’s used to girls throwing themselves at him and blowing up his phone, and so far I’ve refused to do that…  Even as I type this, I’m continuing the dissection, but I should stop.  So I’ll just tell you about Saturday night, which segue ways into the 2nd part of this post:

Monday musing: Does Celibate = boring and bored…?

Boring – shopping for rugs for my friend. Don’t get me wrong, I love shopping and even though it took 4 people, to shove a rug, an accent table and two gigantic plastic storage boxes into my prius, I wouldn’t say it was the most exciting thing to happen this weekend.

Bored – after meeting up with a friend at this awful dive bar and leaving, NO ONE WANTED TO HANG OUT WITH US.

NO ONE.

We called up a friend to see if he wanted to grab a drink.  He brushed us off.

Two of our crew were with their boyfriends.  Inaccessible.

I had texted Grand Theft earlier in the day to see if he wanted to meet up for a drink. He told me not to be afraid, right?  That he wasn’t going to baby me like that, right?  He was hanging with a buddy but said he would see where they would be at and let me know.

Didn’t hear from him after that.  Nope.  And I wasn’t going to double text him.  I suppose the positive thing is that he didn’t booty call me.  Of course, that’s only positive if he wasn’t booty calling some other chick…

I am ashamed to admit I went to bed on Saturday feeling a little sorry for myself, and woke up on Sunday feeling the same way.  No one cares no one cares no one cares…  Hahahahaha…

I spent most of yesterday pondering why I felt so boring and bored.  Did it have to do with this celibacy project?  I don’t consider myself a boring person most of the time.  And I understand that if there isn’t any drama then that can be a good thing.  Not saying at all that I want to end the project.  At this point, I’m emotionally invested in seeing this project through so IF I were to end it early, it wouldn’t be just because I’m bored.  It would have to be for somebody special and deserving of my time and attention…

In the meantime I will work on being something other than bored and horny…

Posted in Crushes during Celibacy, Grand Theft (GT), Hm. Inneresting..., Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 61 Comments »

“I’m not a petty thief…”

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 16, 2010


“…I commit grand theft…”

Probably the BEST/WORST line that has been ever been used on me. EVER.  “But I don’t get it, AK, what kind of line is that?” is what you’re probably thinking.  So… it happened this weekend as follows:

Went to a party at my friends house – he knows some people, who know some people, and many of these people showed up, including the deliverer of the above line, who we’ll call “Grand Theft Guy”.  I had met him once before briefly and remember thinking what a nice guy he was.  He’s a somewhat well known musician who has been a bit behind the scenes for the past few years.

Anyways, he comes up to me and says hello.  We catch up briefly, talk a little business and it seems like things are going well for him.  I tell him I’m happy to hear that.  We chat a bit longer and each continue to mingle separately throughout the party.

He comes up to me again later and starts chatting me up.  He’s telling jokes, cracking me up, and all of a sudden…I’m looking at him a little bit differently than before.  Trying to remember some of the PUA stuff I’ve been learning about, I suddenly become a little on guard and start to eye him suspiciously.

But I can’t. It’s so hard. He seems so genuine and nice and funny, and he’s got a great personality.  On top of that, although he’s not the usual type that I would date physically, I find myself becoming physically attracted to him.  The host of the party always talks about how Grand Theft is such a nice guy…I like Grand Theft’s style too… (I’m big on style – I know, it’s so shallow…)

By the end of the night, he’s got me blushing – he pulls his chair up close to mine, and slowly and smoothly, puts his hand on my leg.  My hand is resting on my leg, and so he reaches for my hand and starts to hold it.  All of this while we are talking to other people in a big group.  Just right smack dab in front of them.

Wow.  This guy has got some balls.

It’s not just the physical touching that I find ballsy…and I wish I could divulge some more detail about this person so you could understand exactly how ballsy it is for him to be hitting on me like that.  But just in case some of you sly readers are curious enough to try and figure it out, I unfortunately won’t reveal more.  Just let me tell you…it was BALLSY.

And I was immediately attracted to it. I got the tingles.  I got the tingles when I SHOULDN’T be getting the tingles…

He says some more cute stuff to get me to agree to a date.  I joke with him a little but let him know that the answer is yes.  While I’m sitting next to him at the party, he texts:

GT: Can’t wait to see you again, lil’ miss super amazing with ridiculous flavor and style. Hope we can finally get to know each other.  You really do turn me on, not only physically, but also mentally.

I look up at him and smile. I am so nervous I don’t know what to say. Me.  AK with the big ass loud mouth.  Public speaker AK.  Nervous and giddy.

Anyway, I had to give my friend a ride home, and Grand Theft offered to walk me out to my car – he had a phone case in his car that he wanted to give me because I had remarked earlier in the night how I liked someone else’s.  I walked over to his car with him and he handed me the case.  He asked for a hug, and I gave it to him.  As he had his arm around me, he quickly asked for a kiss, pulled me in, and planted one right on my toothy grin before I could respond, “Yes!”  It was adorable.  So then he says,

GT: Just had to steal that.  I’m a thief.  But I ain’t a petty thief. I only steal things of high value.  I just committed grand theft.

AK: (Blushing and all smiley) Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee

Like a little girl…

I drove my friend home, remarking how I had such a good time at the party and how glad I was that I decided to go.  My friend just chuckles at me, and says, “Yeah, I BET you’re glad.”

I texted Grand Theft back later that night and said

AK: You are so sweet – definitely putting a smile on my face reading this text. It was nice hanging out with you tonight 🙂

Buuuuut.  Haven’t heard back.

I keep trying to figure out why I’m so giddy…has this celibate thing made me so starved for attention that I’m reduced to a nervous little girl, and not the strong confident woman who is used to lines like this…?  He’ll probably never call, but that’s ok.  It’s just interesting to be hit on during this celibacy thing…

Thoughts?  Questions? Comments?

Posted in Crushes during Celibacy, Grand Theft (GT), Guys are awesome | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 27 Comments »

 
%d bloggers like this: