Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Posts Tagged ‘Romance’

Ashleee has a boyfriend…?!?

Posted by ashleeekaren on September 28, 2011

I’ve got to say that I’ve missed blogging.  The last post I wrote was quite awhile ago and I admit that I haven’t had much to say until lately, mostly because I’ve been very, very happy.

I have a boyfriend.  I found him after I had given up and decided I wasn’t ever going to meet anyone and get married.   He’s not a jerk, not an alcoholic, not a game player, and not afraid of commitment.  He is open and honest about how he feels, tells me about 20 times a day that he loves me and thinks I’m beautiful.  I fall asleep every night cuddled up in my favorite place of all places: the nook, that special spot right between his shoulder and chest…  I wake up in the morning to him nuzzling my neck and wrapping his warm arms around me.  I feel like a teenager again, and I am head over heels in love with this guy.   He is thoughtful, funny, kind, affectionate, smart, handsome, sexy, and uh….ahem, well endowed…

No, I’m not making this up.  It’s true. I found a unicorn!  And the very best part of all of this is that I am not afraid to receive everything he is willing to give me.  We recognize we’ve found something very special with each other and we’re not going to let it pass us by.

Now in response to a recent comment I discovered about me on another blog, I wanted to say this:  You might have been right.  There might have been a chip missing in me.  Maybe it was because of any number of jerks I had dated.  Maybe it was because I was abused by my alcoholic ex, or abandoned by the first real love of my life, or maybe it was me.  Maybe it just isn’t easy to find someone you’re compatible with.  What the hell do I know…?

I think the chip that was missing for me was the belief that I would ever be able to actually open up to someone and let them into my life…so maybe dating these jerks was just a self-fulfilling prophecy…who knows?   I’m hoping things work out with this new guy – we find out more about each other every day and continue to fall deeper and deeper in love.  But if it doesn’t, then I least I know that after all the heartbreak I’ve suffered, that I am still capable of love.

Posted in Guys are awesome, Hm. Inneresting..., Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Why I’m doing this

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 9, 2010

I am a 31 year old woman and I am not ashamed to say that I’m still working on figuring things out.  

I have been asked several times why I am doing this little celibacy project.  I think there several theories floating around out there.  Here are some that I have gleaned from comments and emails:

1.  I’m trying to re-virginize myself: Couldn’t be farther from the truth.  Who the hell would want to be a virgin again?  And if I even thought that I could re-virginize myself…is there some magical thing that is supposed to happen once my hymen has been restored (which it can’t by the way, short of some weird plastic surgery)?  I don’t think so.

2.  I’m a born again Christian: Nope – haven’t talked that much about God or religion on this blog.  Or at all.  I don’t attend church.  I have nothing against people who believe in religion – good for them for being able to have so much faith.  That’s not me though.

3.  I’m doing this for attention:  Well duh.  But not exactly.  If I didn’t want anyone to read the thoughts I type, then I wouldn’t upload it to a blog and allow everyone to read it.  I’m not trying to get a movie deal like that Julie & Julia movie.  I am interested in a discourse. I want to know what people think.  I am fully aware that I open myself up to attack – being called a slut, a whore, etc, etc, these are not new or original ways to put someone down.  Especially a woman who brazenly declares how much she likes sex.  As unpleasant as the whore and slut comments can be, they are important to consider, but they will not censor me into writing something other than what I feel and experience.

I am not presumptuous enough to believe that my way is the best way to view sex and sexuality.  Do it whatever way you want, and if you don’t like it my way, then move on to the next blog.  That’s the beauty of this wonderful blogosphere – there are a plethora of ideas and perspectives for a person to explore and enjoy.  Some of it will upset you, some of it will make you laugh, and some of it will make you think.  Thank you First Amendment.

4.  I’m hoping someone will send me a new vibrator:  HA!  I could use a new one.  My trusty Rabbit just crapped out on me.  We had a good 2 years together – he was a giver.  I haven’t had the heart to replace him just yet…


Here are the REAL reasons I’m doing this celibacy project and blog (this list is not exclusive – Ashleee Karen reserves the right to amend the list as new reasons become available)

1.  I’ve had a rough few years:  My last boyfriend was an emotionally and physically abusive alcoholic.  I helped him through sobriety and when he got on his feet, he didn’t need me anymore.  I figured out that fixing someone (as if you ever can) doesn’t necessarily make them want to love you more, and in the end, you’re the one who needs fixing.  I am having trouble feeling safe enough to open myself up to someone in a meaningful way.

2.  I don’t know what I want: I don’t know if I want to get married and have kids. I don’t know if I am someone who knows how to be happy in a relationship.  The last healthy relationship I had was about 6-7 years ago and I feel like an entirely different person now.  That girl I was is a stranger to me in so many ways.

3.  I’m still picking crappy guys: In the 2 years that I’ve been single since T, 90% of the guys that I have dated were all wrong for me.  Maybe I picked them that way – self-sabotage and what not. The guys that I passed on, I probably should’ve pursued.  Until I figure out what the hell is going on with that, I think it’s better to stay away from men altogether.

4.  If I’m not working on a relationship with a guy, I can work on the relationship with myself: And here we are, the ultimate reason.  I will tell you what I told my therapist – when I’m not trying to date a guy I can work on other issues that I have outside of my romantic endeavors.  Men can be distractions if you let them, and it’s so much easier to deal with someone else than it is to deal with yourself.   I need to spend time with myself and learn all the great things about me, so that when (and if) I meet the right guy, then he’ll see those things too.

So there you have it.  Thoughts?

Posted in Why I'm doing this | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 33 Comments »

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