Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Posts Tagged ‘sex’

Apathy is the new black

Posted by ashleeekaren on May 5, 2011


…at least for me it is.

I have been silent for awhile… and no, it’s not because I have been having all sorts of amazing sex…it’s because I’ve been apathetic.

Where did this all start??

I found out Martin has a new girlfriend… stupid Facebook.  I hate Facebook…  I didn’t even go on there and my friend had to shove it in my face early one morning…  And even though I had let Martin go, couldn’t bear to keep him around as a beta orbiter for my own selfish needs, I never in a MILLION years expected to react the way I did…

Which was to start crying and then go day drinking and end up a puddled, blabbering mess by 4pm.

I think that triggered it…

And then a couple weeks later, every freaking loser I’ve dated and then subsequently ignored called me.  Monday – Loser #1, Tuesday Loser #2, Weds – ran into Loser #3.   Then on Thurs went out on a date with Old Dorky Guy #1 who, from his pics, looked about 20 years younger than he actually did in person. (eharmony date – needless to say, I cancelled my subscription shortly after).  Did I mention that Loser #1 had actually called and texted me a couple weeks before that Monday, and I ignored him then too?? OH, and did I mention that the Evil T also texted that same weekend.

All of this put me in an emotional tizzy. I’m sensitive.  TOO sensitive, and I think it was time that something…snapped.  I’m sick of allowing these men to affect me the way they do.

And as Rivelino advised me awhile back – don’t just write about dating – write about what you want.

And here’s what I want –

I don’t want to feel anything.

I am not very good at dating.  I don’t think I ever have been.  I am good at getting dates, but not actually dating. I lose my head. I fall in love, I get my feelings hurt, and my heart broken.  No more.

What have any of these relationships ever done for me?  Nothing.  NOTHING!  Well, maybe I’ve learned a lesson or two, the most important being: DON’T DATE ANYMORE!

And I’m not here to blame it on men.  Although some of them are jerks, but just as many of them are nice.  It’s really all my fault.  All of it.  All the bad decisions, the bruised pride, the shattered heart… all of it is my fault.  And I don’t seem to be changing my tune, because I still go after the bad boys and they still go after me.   Ok, ok, admittedly, the 2 nice guys I’ve gone out with in the past 3 years since I’ve been single weren’t exactly matches for me – one wore his button up shirt unbuttoned too low showing his gaudy gold chain, which only emphasized the tragedy of his pointy alligator shoes… and the other…well… the other nice guy had a small penis and talked too much.  Again, not a match.

So I’ve turned off the emotions.  Stopped responding to male attention – for example was hit on yesterday at the grocery store, guy chatted me up in the frozen section and nearly stalked me around the store until checkout.  Then told me how sexy I was in the parking lot.  He was totally my type.  He gave me his number.  I’ve already thrown it away.  Ron has been texting me a lot lately too and haven’t responded to any of his texts…

And yes, I know this means I’m wasting what little beauty my quickly waning youth has afforded me.  But this just beats the alternative – up and down, left and right, feeling happy, then sad, then stupid and resentful.  Enough already.

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Posted in Hm. Inneresting..., Just. Awful., Martin, Ron, Rules, T----, WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments »

I burn too…

Posted by ashleeekaren on March 24, 2011


I’ve been insanely busy lately and was going to wait to post something until work had calmed down but I’ve gotten some comments lately inquiring as to whether I’ve quit the blog.  Then I read Racer X and a recent post he made about sexual desire and it inspired me, so here I am.

Racer X talks about a woman with whom he has an intense sexual connection, yet they haven’t had sex.

There is one girl I have been enjoying an unfulfilled sexual tryst with for a few years now. For various reasons I have chosen not to pursue her beyond the merely verbal and emotional, but we are both aware of our mutual desires for each other. In such situations you can feel the tension in the room whenever we are together.

That’s exactly how I feel about Big Guy… Yes, yes…Big Guy, who I so proudly rejected just a few short weeks ago.  But I haven’ t been able to get him out of my head and that stupid post it he handed me with his phone number keeps staring at my from my desk.  I should just toss it.  And erase his number.  But I haven’t…because I don’t want to.

In FACT, I burn so much for Big Guy that I ended up consummating my bathroom relationship with Bathroom Makeout Guy, aka Ethan.  Bathroom Makeout Guy is easy, uncomplicated (or so I thought) and I know exactly what he is – just fun.  Plus he has a ridiculous body.  Unfortunately any further bathroom makeout sessions have been cancelled indefinitely since his roommate, my friend, found out and is extremely uncomfortable with it.

This is unfortunate as my plan was to preoccupy myself with Bathroom Makeout Guy to avoid any burning desire to make a dumb excuse to call Big Guy.  Luckily, work has been so crazy busy that I haven’t had too much time to let my mind wander about him.

I wonder what it will be like when we run into each other (because we will eventually due to some unavoidable obligations we both have separately).  According to a friend of mine I have no poker face when it comes to a guy I’m attracted to.  “I can see it in your eyes – you don’t hold back.”  I wonder if I could work on that…I’m afraid he will see how much I want to let him take control, tell me what to do, and have his way with me.  That was part of my attraction to him – because of his imposing size and his personality I felt completely out of control…and I liked it.  I spend so much of my time trying to be in control of situations with work and business that when I’m with a man, I don’t want to control anything. I want to trust him enough to be able to do what he wants without hurting me…not just physically/sexually, but emotionally as well…

 

 

Posted in Bathroom Makeout Guy (BMG), Big Guy, Sexytime | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 47 Comments »

Winning the Lottery

Posted by ashleeekaren on March 8, 2011


A close friend of mine who probably knows me better than anyone said to me the other day:

“You are someone who puts yourself out there – it’s your worst and best quality.”

I think what she meant by that (as it was said in the context of discussing what occurred with Big Guy) was that despite all of the terrible dates and bad guys I’ve dated, I keep putting myself out there to get hurt again…

Now keep in mind, none of the guys I’ve hung out with or dated in the past 2 and half years since I’ve been single have gotten anywhere close to my heart to the point where they could really hurt me. .. Sure, some of them might have annoyed me, or maybe I got a little sad about them… but actually getting to me??  Nah, never happened once.  Not like how T  did, or Martin…

One of my biggest fears is being so wrecked by my relationships with T and Martin that I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable with another guy again…so everytime I feel myself retreating back into my victim cave, I snap myself out of it.  I’ve gotta put myself out there.  I need to keep my heart open.

I still believe in love.

And yesterday I was thinking:  finding a man who will love you and you can love back, is like winning the lottery.  If I never buy a ticket, then I’ll never have a chance to win.  Sure, those odds may be small, but they are odds nonetheless.

I like playing the odds.  So I gotta keep buying those tickets…

Posted in Guys are awesome, Hm. Inneresting..., Just be happy, Why I'm doing this | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments »

Protected: 1 day, 2 dates

Posted by ashleeekaren on February 27, 2011


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“You’re intimidating”

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 26, 2011


Although I have already decided that GT isn’t a long term match for me, there is something that is bothering me and I wanted to throw it out there to my readers.

What does it mean when a man says “You’re intimidating.”??

A little about me to give you a big picture:

1.  I’m a lawyer and I’ve been practicing for over 5 years now, but I don’t go around shoving it in people’s faces.  Often, I play it down, and don’t talk about it too much.   If I can avoid saying what I do for a living, I will.  Not because I’m not proud of it, but because I always get some weird reaction from it and I’d just as soon as not deal with it.

2.  I make good money.  I’m not the type to tell people what I make (here in LA, there are LOTS of people who feel they need to tell you how much they make, or how much something costs) I don’t go around telling people I’m rich, but I do have expensive taste and it tends to show.  Chanel, Gucci, Prada, Chloe, and Louis are all very close friends of mine…

3.  I will admit I am high maintainence – I get my nails and hair done religiously. I get my teeth whitened, and they are straight as an arrow.  I also get my eyebrows shaped, have done microderm abrasion, and laser hair removal.  I also have a bad shoe habit and like to get the latest gadgets.  Do I talk about this with guys I’m dating?  Not initially, no.  Do I ever expect anyone else to pay for any of that stuff? No.  I can pay for it myself.  Is it likely that people notice all this stuff?  Yes.  And no, I haven’t gotten any plastic surgery.

4. I’m aggressive in my job, but not the same way in my personal life.  I turn that off when I don’t have my lawyer hat on.  I would say I’m assertive and actually pretty easy going.

5.  I can be a ridiculous pushover and sucker.  The problem is that I see the good in everyone, doesn’t matter who they are, or what they did, I find something redeeming about everyone, even if I don’t like them as a person.  It’s also a good thing that I see people that way, but it gets me into trouble just as much as it benefits me.

Here’s the conversation between me and GT:

AK: I really need you to be more consistent with me.  I’m not saying I want to know if you’re my boyfriend or not, I’m just saying you should follow through with what you say you’re going to follow through with.

GT: The problem is that you’re intimidating…

AK: (puzzled look) How have I been intimidating you?

GT: It’s not anything you’re doing…it’s who you are…you’re secure in your life and I’m not. My life has been on hold for a long time because of x, y, z  (editing to protect his privacy).  And until I can a, b, c the x, y, z, then I won’t be in a position to give you what I know you deserve.

AK: But I know about x, y, and z, and it doesn’t bother me at all.  If it did, I wouldn’t be sitting here with you right now.

GT: I know it doesn’t because you’re such a sweet girl.  And when I think about you and me, of course I’m thinking long term…. Like, what are your parents going to think when they meet me?

AK: My parents? (Head cocked, eyes wide)

GT: Yeah, your parents.  I can tell they adore you and I don’t think they would like me very much because of x, y, z.

AK: My parents?  Why are we talking about my parents?

GT: Because I’ve been thinking about that…

AK: But why? I think you’re getting ahead of yourself.  It’s too soon for a conversation about you meeting my parents.  Let’s just figure out whether we are compatible with each other before we start throwing in family and what not…

GT: It’s just intimidating is all…

I see how he deflected his behavior onto me – I tell him he’s inconsistent and he basically says it’s my fault.  What he’s really saying is that because he’s starting to figure out that he won’t match up to me, there’s no point in him being consistent and reliable because he’s already decided it won’t go anywhere….  Another possibility is that he’s trying to intentionally mess with my head, but I didn’t get the sense that he was.  At least that’s my take on it.

But this “You’re intimidating” thing has come up several times with different guys so I’m curious what my readers think… Thoughts?

Posted in Grand Theft (GT), Guys are Jerks, Hm. Inneresting..., WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 35 Comments »

Celibate from intimacy…?

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 22, 2011


Since breaking up with T I have dated a few guys and have had sex with them, but I can say that I have never really achieved that level of intimacy that I’ve been craving.

Intimacy, at least for me, is something that takes a long time to build.  I have had sex with men and been affectionate, warm, and inviting, but not truly intimate.  It’s that unspoken familiarity between two people – feeling comfortable enough to curl up next to someone without restraint, knowing exactly how they are going to put their arms around you… those are the things that I miss.  

Sure, sex often leads to cuddling, affection, hand holding and kisses on the forehead, but it’s not the same.  I can have sex with someone and be responsive and engaged…but without the intimacy, without love…it’s not the same.  I hold back – GT and I have only really had sex the one time and things with him are so inconsistent that I hold back emotionally as well.  Not physically so much…maybe just a little because I’m still self-conscious, but with true intimacy, all that self-consciousness is wiped away.

I realize that the last person I was truly intimate with was T.  About 6 or 7 months ago we had had a brief tryst and it was there.   But it was bitter for me… And were my judgment to falter  again and I called him up, we’d probably attack each other as if there hadn’t been any time between us.  And though it might feel strange to feel that intimate with someone who has hurt me so much, it would be there anyway.

I now know that I could never have any realistic long term situation with GT, and frankly his inconsistency is beginning to wear on me.  The excitement of getting to know someone has faded – I am far too old to put up with games, whether they are inadvertent or not.  The little I have gleaned from him leads me to believe that although he may genuinely like me, he is far too selfish a person for me to ever seriously consider being with.  He is still caught up in the rockstar lifestyle and has a million balls in the air…I’m not foolish enough to think that he will ever change who he is – I learned a long time ago that you must take a man for who he is and never expect him to be anything but that.

I cannot say that I am sad.  Or unhappy.  I’m not either of these things.  But I miss feeling the weight of a man that I love on top of me.  I miss being able to wake up in the morning with a man I love fumbling with the sheets to get closer to me so I can feel his breath on my neck… I miss cooking for a man!  Haha, never thought I’d feel that way…  These are the treasures you get when you are intimate with someone.  And I have been celibate from these treasures for a long time…

Posted in Grand Theft (GT), Hm. Inneresting..., T----, Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments »

2011? Business as usual…

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 2, 2011


New Years posts are supposed to reflect on the year behind you and declare the changes you are going to make for a better you in the coming year.  Yeah…Am I supposed to say something profound?

It would’ve been nice to have still been continuing my celibacy project into 2011 since I quite enjoyed typing “The Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-2011.”  That was fun.  But oh well.  That’s really the only thing I can think of…

Setting goals is important, but you should be setting them all the time, not just for your New Years Resolution.  I can’t stand that doctors offices and gyms are the busiest in the first quarter of every year.  It’s annoying.  The gyms are packed, my doctor is booked…I don’t like it…

So I’m just going to go about living (and blogging) the way I normally do.  I think I happen to be over-analytical and reflective anyway, so this being the time for New Years Resolutions is actually unnecessary for me.  I’m not saying that it is unnecessary for me to change or to set goals or that I am perfect and have done everything right.  I really don’t think that.  It’s just that this evolution I’ve been trying to achieve has been a work in progress all my life and especially the last 2 years…

SO, business as usual.  Here’s how the NYE party turned out:

I got nice and liquored up to be able to handle the potential New Years Eve Party Disaster.  Only 2 out of the 3 suitors showed up.  Martin being the first. I chatted with him and was totally polite.  Then Bathroom Makeout Guy (BMG) showed up.  The minute he walked through the door, it was on.

He has what I call a “lingering touch” meaning he leaves his hand or arm there just a little bit longer to let you know he’s interested.  I had to dodge Martin but field these little flirtations here and there.  It was totally hot.   At one point we were in the kitchen and he was making me a drink.  With no one within ear shot I scolded him for opening his big mouth about our bathroom makeout session on Halloween (his roommate is one of my best guy friends and thinks BMG is a dog and doesn’t want me anywhere near him-I got an earful from said guy friend about the whole thing).  BMG tells me that he didn’t say anything and that my friend caught him slinking out of the bathroom right after me  (God, I am SO classy, lol).

At this point I am about 6 or 7 drinks deep but still able to edit myself whenever I see Martin walk in the room and I’m talking to BMG.  Of course, I think I’m being smooth but a friend of mine came up to me and was asking about that guy I was flirting with so maybe I wasn’t so slick.  I figure I have been pretty straight forward with Martin and I should just do what I want and if his feelings are hurt, then that’s his fault for even showing up.  Still…I try to play it nice and make sure not to be too obvious in front of Martin.    So BMG and I continue to steal moments with each other throughout the party.  He stands a little too close, brushes his arm against my back as we walks by, plays with my hair when he thinks no one is looking…very sexy.

Did I mention BMG does MMA and his body is sick??  Anyway…

The NYE countdown happens. I do not kiss BMG or Martin.  But I am WASTED at this point.  Not sick wasted, but happy-go-lucky-wasted where everyone is my best friend and the world is wonderful.

A little bit later BMG lets me know he’s leaving. We unfortunately could not sneak away for any bathroom fun during the party as it was a pretty small gathering and it would’ve been noticed by everyone.  He has me walk him out – the rest of his friends are halfway to the sidewalk heading towards the cab. I’m standing at the door my body still inside the house but my head peaking through.  We both look to see that no one is watching and he grabs my face and plants a kiss on me.

I remember passing out on the couch but I ended up sleeping on the living room floor of my friends house.  People are still up partying but I am too drunk and tired to do anything but snore.  At 3 AM I get a text from GT wishing me Happy New Year.

All in all, it was a great way to start 2011.

 

 

 

Posted in Bathroom Makeout Guy (BMG), Grand Theft (GT), Martin | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments »

Anticipating a New Years Eve Disaster

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 31, 2010


New Years Eve.  A time for reflection.  A time for celebration.  A time for…disaster?

My friend Sharon decided to have a party this year, as last years NYE was a bit boring.  She sent the evite out a few weeks ago.  I didn’t bother to look at the invite list and simply replied “yes”.  Sharon is one of my best friends and it was a given that I would be going to this party, since everyone I know is going to be there too.

Sharon is also friends with Martin.  Martin of the “I’m still in love with you” nonsense.  She invited him.  What was I supposed to say?  She felt awkward about not inviting him even though she knows everything that’s been going on between Martin and I.  So I said I would deal with it.

THEN I find out that the dude I made out with in the bathroom at Halloween is ALSO coming to the party.  And the Irish guy i had a crush on awhile back may also show up.

I get a text from Martin (although I did tell him I needed my space awhile back) telling me he’s picking up some stuff for the party and would I like anything.  I say no.  Then he asks if it’s going to be awkward if he shows up. I tell him no, it’s fine, he should come because I know Sharon wants him to.

SO, since Bathroom Makeout Guy is going to be there and he has a total hard on for me, I can just imagine myself trying to dodge his advances to preserve Martin’s feelings.  And I can just imagine how completely awkward it’s going to be when Irish Guy shows up and my friend’s husband starts trying to set us up (he’s hell bent on making it happen).

Thank goodness I don’t have to deal with GT since he’s with his daughter and in a very far away city.  But I still think I have my hands full. I should probably just drink myself ridiculous and hide in a closet or something…

Posted in WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments »

And it counts!!!

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 20, 2010


Yep!  More than just the tip this time.

GT and I hung out this weekend. He invited me up to a party in a fancy schmancy area. I reluctantly said yes and was getting ready to drive up to meet him. He called me up and said he would come see me instead so I wouldn’t have to drive in the rain…

A few of my friends were over and he was polite and personable. We were going to head out to a bar but it was raining so hard we decided to stay in.  My friends left and it was just the 2 of us.

We stayed up until 4 in the morning talking. A few kisses here and there but for the most part we behaved.   He opened up quite a bit and I felt like we were really starting to get to know each other… He did try to impress me by name dropping quite a bit and showing off by calling a famous musician on the phone (who picked up) while we were watching his music video…  I don’t know if I was reacting the way he expected me too, but I could tell he was trying very hard. Here are some interesting tidbits from our conversation:

He made a point of talking to me about other chicks that he had dated in the past.  It got to the point where I was like, “Why are you telling me this?”  And then he was like, “Well I just want you to know I’m not like that anymore…I don’t want to just bang a bunch of chicks….What kind of dudes hit on you?  I bet you get hit on all the time”  Uhhh, no, not playing that game…. I didn’t answer and artfully changed the subject.  The way I interpreted it was that he was trying to show his value.  It came off as insecure though…

He told me he’s been breaking a lot of his own rules to hang out with me.  Like staying home on a Friday night, crashing an estrogen party (since a couple of my friends were over), driving with a broken tail light…

And here’s the BEST part…

While lying in bed (no sex yet):

GT: Wouldn’t that be funny if I got you pregnant?

AK: Uhhh, depends what your definition of funny is… (nervous laughing)

GT: No really, I bet your parents would freak out if you brought me home…

AK: (laughing…and glad the lights were out cuz I’m sure my face had this “WTF” look on it)

Silence

GT: What do you think our kids would look like?

AK: I don’t know if the world needs anymore Ashleees runinng around…

GT: I bet they would have your skin and my eyes…

AK: (Nervous laugher)  Maybe…

GT: Do you want kids?

AK: I think so, yes… not anytime soon, but I think I probably do…

GT: Well I’m glad I have my daughter already, cuz she’s amazing, but I probably would have kids again with the right person and the right situation.

We fell asleep talking and in the morning he woke me up and we had some sloppy morning sex.  It was good 🙂  Then we went back to sleep. He left later in the morning.

Thoughts?  Questions? So what now?

Posted in Crushes during Celibacy, Grand Theft (GT), Hm. Inneresting... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 28 Comments »

I guess the tip counts – the end of the AK Celibacy Project 2010 (in detail!)

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 6, 2010


Ok, so it’s over!  According to the comments on the last post, and other feedback I’ve been receiving, the tip counts, and the Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-2011, is officially over.

Disappointed?  Sad?  Surprised?  Expectant? No one cares no one cares no one cares?  Haha, well…

Since the project officially ended on Friday night I’ve had some time to reflect.  I’m a little disappointed myself, but all in all, I think I’m ok. I’ve learned some things about myself and really that was the whole point, right?

But before I get into all that, as promised, for Racer X, here is the Last Temptation of AK, in more detail:

Friday afternoon I get a call from GT.  We chat for a few minutes and he asks me what I’m doing that night. I tell him I’ve planned a night in watching a Zombie film and that I’m planning to lay low.  He tells me he’s taking his friend Betty (who I’ve met) out to dinner for a belated birthday present but he’s not sure what he’s doing afterwards.  I can tell he’s waiting for me to say something like, oh we should hang out, but I say nothing.  Then he says, well if I’m up by your neck of the woods, I’ll call you.  Ok, have fun tonight, I tell him, fully not expecting to hear from him at all.

A couple hours later I get a text from him – he is staying on a yacht tonight and invites me down for some drinks.  Hm.  I wait about 10 or 15 minutes before I text back, pondering whether I should go and exactly how much trouble I’m willing to get into tonight.  I throw caution to the wind and text him back yes.

Then, in true AK fashion I begin to worry.   I’d be driving very far to get where he is…if we have drinks and I get too drunk, I can’t exactly cab it home…is he expecting sex?  Am I a cheap whore if I drive down there to hang out tonight…?  And more importantly…what am I going to wear??

I decide the best thing to do is give myself options – I don’t want to be stuck staying with him on the yacht with the expectation of sex so I find a nice hotel room right by the harbor and book it.

I get there and he gives me a big hug and kiss.   It turns out Betty is there too.  It’s the three of us…

Have I been roped into a threesome?!

I panic slightly for a second but don’t let it show.  It’s actually nice to see Betty – she’s really sweet and I’m trying to set her up with one of my friends.  Although I still don’t know what the angle is with her being there,. I just play it cool and decide to enjoy myself and see what happens…

He makes us some drinks and we all start chatting.  At first I’m a little nervous around GT and it turns out he’s a little nervous around me.  Having another female there sets me at ease and I’m able to talk with her and observe him observing me, and yeah, he’s nervous!  He won’t sit next to me.  He keeps standing up.  Then when he sits down next to me, he’ll put his arm around me, but he won’t sit for very long.  Then he’ll get up again and fiddle with the music.

At this point I’ve already let him know that I’m staying at hotel.  He’s surprised and asks why I’m not staying on the boat with him and Betty and I just smile and shrug my shoulders.  He says, that’s ok, I’ll be following you back to the hotel…I tell him, ok that’s fine, if you want to sleep on the balcony.  He smiles back.  He goes outside to mess with some control on the boat and it’s just me and Betty.

At this point Betty and I have established a comraderie.

AK: Is it just me, or does he seem nervous?

B:  He’s nervous.  You intimidate him.

AK: I do?  How so? (This girl is AWESOME giving me the inside scoop)

B: He can’t impress you like he tries to impress other girls.  He’s not sure what to do.

I find this interesting since our lunch date he seemed so calm and cool.

AK: Ohhh.  Am I doing something to make him nervous?

B:  No, no, you’re fine!  You’re being cool.  He just doesn’t know what to do around you.  You’re different (I hear all the alphas, quietly chuckling).

I’m about 3 or 4 drinks deep and definitely tipsy. I start the prowl.   As he’s giving me a tour of the boat, I grab his hand, pull him in and kiss him.  He’s a little surprised, but as I turn around and head up the stairs, he says, “You’re a baaad girl huh?” and smacks my ass.  I jump a bit, giggle and head up the stairs smiling….

GT wants to come back to the hotel with me and leave Betty on the yacht.  I tell him no, he can’t do that, he needs to stay with her on the boat.  She insists he goes with me. (Whew, they weren’t trying to rope me in for a threesome!).  I’m finally convinced (drink 5 or 6?).

We get back to the hotel.  It’s very nice view with an ocean view (I’m a baller – I don’t mess around).  He’s impressed.  I put some music on.  We climb into bed…

We start cuddling.  I have my face nuzzled in his neck.  I’m wearing nothing but a t-shirt and my underwear.  He has his arm around me.  I start kissing him on the neck and the cheek.  He doesn’t move his face at all.  Hmm, Drunk AK is starting to think maybe GT isn’t attracted to her…Drunk AK thinks why isn’t he attacking me??  Drunk AK wants to know why he isn’t kissing back??

Drunk AK: Kiss me.  What’s wrong?

GT:  Nothing is wrong.

He kisses me finally on the lips.  No tongue.  WTF, Drunk AK thinks…I need some tongue action here…

GT:  We have plenty of time to have sex. There’s no rush.

Wait, wait, plenty of time? Tonight?  Or…what does he mean?  Shit.  I’m freaking drunk.

Drunk AK: Who said anything about sex?  I just want you to kiss me.

At this point I’m cooing in his ear and pressing my body tight against his.  He remains frozen.

GT:  I really really need you to be a good girl.  You don’t understand…

Drunk AK: I don’t?  My hands are rubbing his arm and chest as I softly kiss his cheek.

GT: Trust me.  Let’s just lay here.

Drunk AK isn’t really listening and I grab his face and give him the most seductive kiss I can muster in my drunken state.  Then, as if a switch is flipped, he’s kissing me back.  His hands are everywhere, on my nipples, in my hair, grabbing my face, rubbing me over my underwear.  We are tearing at each other.

He flips me onto my side and his hands are all over my ass, my breasts, my stomach.  He is grinding into me and I’m grinding back.  He’s hard.  Very hard.  And I can tell he’s big.  (Thank God).  He slides a hand underneath my underwear and says, “Oh god, you’re so wet.”

I guess that’s what 4 months of sexual frustration will do.

Next thing you know, he’s on top of me and he starts to slide it in.  Keep in mind, it’s been 4 months and I’m a little tight – haven’t been using the Rabbit since it broke and I didn’t really use the dildo part of it anyway.  I gasp and he says, “Oh my god, you’re so tight…”

The tip is in.  We’re staring straight into each others eyes and even though I want this guy to completely tear me a part all night long.  I stop him.  I can tell he doesn’t want to stop and that it takes a lot for him to disengage and move from between my legs.  We are both breathing heavily as he lays down next to me.  See? He says.  That’s why I didn’t want to kiss you back…

He spent the night and left around 10 am with a kiss goodbye.   He texted me later in the day and then called yesterday.  He’s been attentive and sweet so far.

Things for me to keep in mind:

1.  Just because I’m interested in someone doesn’t mean I can’t still work on the relationship with myself.  Perhaps this is a good exercise in balance – can I date GT while maintaining the relationship with myself?  I think the answer is yes.

2.  Don’t get drunk the next time I’m trying not to have sex.

3.  Just because he put the tip in doesn’t mean we now have to start screwing like rabbits.

4.  Apparently 1 year of celibacy is unrealistic for AK.  But it’s all about the process – being able to blog about my thoughts and experiences and get feedback has been amazing.

Day 98/365 the AK Celibacy Project Ends.

Thoughts on the end of the project?  The tip?  Betty?  Should I continue to blog?

Posted in Guys are awesome, Near slip ups!, Sexytime | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 53 Comments »

 
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