Ashleee Karen

Made it 4 months celibate…now what??

Posts Tagged ‘Sexuality’

I burn too…

Posted by ashleeekaren on March 24, 2011


I’ve been insanely busy lately and was going to wait to post something until work had calmed down but I’ve gotten some comments lately inquiring as to whether I’ve quit the blog.  Then I read Racer X and a recent post he made about sexual desire and it inspired me, so here I am.

Racer X talks about a woman with whom he has an intense sexual connection, yet they haven’t had sex.

There is one girl I have been enjoying an unfulfilled sexual tryst with for a few years now. For various reasons I have chosen not to pursue her beyond the merely verbal and emotional, but we are both aware of our mutual desires for each other. In such situations you can feel the tension in the room whenever we are together.

That’s exactly how I feel about Big Guy… Yes, yes…Big Guy, who I so proudly rejected just a few short weeks ago.  But I haven’ t been able to get him out of my head and that stupid post it he handed me with his phone number keeps staring at my from my desk.  I should just toss it.  And erase his number.  But I haven’t…because I don’t want to.

In FACT, I burn so much for Big Guy that I ended up consummating my bathroom relationship with Bathroom Makeout Guy, aka Ethan.  Bathroom Makeout Guy is easy, uncomplicated (or so I thought) and I know exactly what he is – just fun.  Plus he has a ridiculous body.  Unfortunately any further bathroom makeout sessions have been cancelled indefinitely since his roommate, my friend, found out and is extremely uncomfortable with it.

This is unfortunate as my plan was to preoccupy myself with Bathroom Makeout Guy to avoid any burning desire to make a dumb excuse to call Big Guy.  Luckily, work has been so crazy busy that I haven’t had too much time to let my mind wander about him.

I wonder what it will be like when we run into each other (because we will eventually due to some unavoidable obligations we both have separately).  According to a friend of mine I have no poker face when it comes to a guy I’m attracted to.  “I can see it in your eyes – you don’t hold back.”  I wonder if I could work on that…I’m afraid he will see how much I want to let him take control, tell me what to do, and have his way with me.  That was part of my attraction to him – because of his imposing size and his personality I felt completely out of control…and I liked it.  I spend so much of my time trying to be in control of situations with work and business that when I’m with a man, I don’t want to control anything. I want to trust him enough to be able to do what he wants without hurting me…not just physically/sexually, but emotionally as well…

 

 

Posted in Bathroom Makeout Guy (BMG), Big Guy, Sexytime | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 47 Comments »

“You’re intimidating”

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 26, 2011


Although I have already decided that GT isn’t a long term match for me, there is something that is bothering me and I wanted to throw it out there to my readers.

What does it mean when a man says “You’re intimidating.”??

A little about me to give you a big picture:

1.  I’m a lawyer and I’ve been practicing for over 5 years now, but I don’t go around shoving it in people’s faces.  Often, I play it down, and don’t talk about it too much.   If I can avoid saying what I do for a living, I will.  Not because I’m not proud of it, but because I always get some weird reaction from it and I’d just as soon as not deal with it.

2.  I make good money.  I’m not the type to tell people what I make (here in LA, there are LOTS of people who feel they need to tell you how much they make, or how much something costs) I don’t go around telling people I’m rich, but I do have expensive taste and it tends to show.  Chanel, Gucci, Prada, Chloe, and Louis are all very close friends of mine…

3.  I will admit I am high maintainence – I get my nails and hair done religiously. I get my teeth whitened, and they are straight as an arrow.  I also get my eyebrows shaped, have done microderm abrasion, and laser hair removal.  I also have a bad shoe habit and like to get the latest gadgets.  Do I talk about this with guys I’m dating?  Not initially, no.  Do I ever expect anyone else to pay for any of that stuff? No.  I can pay for it myself.  Is it likely that people notice all this stuff?  Yes.  And no, I haven’t gotten any plastic surgery.

4. I’m aggressive in my job, but not the same way in my personal life.  I turn that off when I don’t have my lawyer hat on.  I would say I’m assertive and actually pretty easy going.

5.  I can be a ridiculous pushover and sucker.  The problem is that I see the good in everyone, doesn’t matter who they are, or what they did, I find something redeeming about everyone, even if I don’t like them as a person.  It’s also a good thing that I see people that way, but it gets me into trouble just as much as it benefits me.

Here’s the conversation between me and GT:

AK: I really need you to be more consistent with me.  I’m not saying I want to know if you’re my boyfriend or not, I’m just saying you should follow through with what you say you’re going to follow through with.

GT: The problem is that you’re intimidating…

AK: (puzzled look) How have I been intimidating you?

GT: It’s not anything you’re doing…it’s who you are…you’re secure in your life and I’m not. My life has been on hold for a long time because of x, y, z  (editing to protect his privacy).  And until I can a, b, c the x, y, z, then I won’t be in a position to give you what I know you deserve.

AK: But I know about x, y, and z, and it doesn’t bother me at all.  If it did, I wouldn’t be sitting here with you right now.

GT: I know it doesn’t because you’re such a sweet girl.  And when I think about you and me, of course I’m thinking long term…. Like, what are your parents going to think when they meet me?

AK: My parents? (Head cocked, eyes wide)

GT: Yeah, your parents.  I can tell they adore you and I don’t think they would like me very much because of x, y, z.

AK: My parents?  Why are we talking about my parents?

GT: Because I’ve been thinking about that…

AK: But why? I think you’re getting ahead of yourself.  It’s too soon for a conversation about you meeting my parents.  Let’s just figure out whether we are compatible with each other before we start throwing in family and what not…

GT: It’s just intimidating is all…

I see how he deflected his behavior onto me – I tell him he’s inconsistent and he basically says it’s my fault.  What he’s really saying is that because he’s starting to figure out that he won’t match up to me, there’s no point in him being consistent and reliable because he’s already decided it won’t go anywhere….  Another possibility is that he’s trying to intentionally mess with my head, but I didn’t get the sense that he was.  At least that’s my take on it.

But this “You’re intimidating” thing has come up several times with different guys so I’m curious what my readers think… Thoughts?

Posted in Grand Theft (GT), Guys are Jerks, Hm. Inneresting..., WTF | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 35 Comments »

Celibate from intimacy…?

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 22, 2011


Since breaking up with T I have dated a few guys and have had sex with them, but I can say that I have never really achieved that level of intimacy that I’ve been craving.

Intimacy, at least for me, is something that takes a long time to build.  I have had sex with men and been affectionate, warm, and inviting, but not truly intimate.  It’s that unspoken familiarity between two people – feeling comfortable enough to curl up next to someone without restraint, knowing exactly how they are going to put their arms around you… those are the things that I miss.  

Sure, sex often leads to cuddling, affection, hand holding and kisses on the forehead, but it’s not the same.  I can have sex with someone and be responsive and engaged…but without the intimacy, without love…it’s not the same.  I hold back – GT and I have only really had sex the one time and things with him are so inconsistent that I hold back emotionally as well.  Not physically so much…maybe just a little because I’m still self-conscious, but with true intimacy, all that self-consciousness is wiped away.

I realize that the last person I was truly intimate with was T.  About 6 or 7 months ago we had had a brief tryst and it was there.   But it was bitter for me… And were my judgment to falter  again and I called him up, we’d probably attack each other as if there hadn’t been any time between us.  And though it might feel strange to feel that intimate with someone who has hurt me so much, it would be there anyway.

I now know that I could never have any realistic long term situation with GT, and frankly his inconsistency is beginning to wear on me.  The excitement of getting to know someone has faded – I am far too old to put up with games, whether they are inadvertent or not.  The little I have gleaned from him leads me to believe that although he may genuinely like me, he is far too selfish a person for me to ever seriously consider being with.  He is still caught up in the rockstar lifestyle and has a million balls in the air…I’m not foolish enough to think that he will ever change who he is – I learned a long time ago that you must take a man for who he is and never expect him to be anything but that.

I cannot say that I am sad.  Or unhappy.  I’m not either of these things.  But I miss feeling the weight of a man that I love on top of me.  I miss being able to wake up in the morning with a man I love fumbling with the sheets to get closer to me so I can feel his breath on my neck… I miss cooking for a man!  Haha, never thought I’d feel that way…  These are the treasures you get when you are intimate with someone.  And I have been celibate from these treasures for a long time…

Posted in Grand Theft (GT), Hm. Inneresting..., T----, Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments »

2011? Business as usual…

Posted by ashleeekaren on January 2, 2011


New Years posts are supposed to reflect on the year behind you and declare the changes you are going to make for a better you in the coming year.  Yeah…Am I supposed to say something profound?

It would’ve been nice to have still been continuing my celibacy project into 2011 since I quite enjoyed typing “The Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-2011.”  That was fun.  But oh well.  That’s really the only thing I can think of…

Setting goals is important, but you should be setting them all the time, not just for your New Years Resolution.  I can’t stand that doctors offices and gyms are the busiest in the first quarter of every year.  It’s annoying.  The gyms are packed, my doctor is booked…I don’t like it…

So I’m just going to go about living (and blogging) the way I normally do.  I think I happen to be over-analytical and reflective anyway, so this being the time for New Years Resolutions is actually unnecessary for me.  I’m not saying that it is unnecessary for me to change or to set goals or that I am perfect and have done everything right.  I really don’t think that.  It’s just that this evolution I’ve been trying to achieve has been a work in progress all my life and especially the last 2 years…

SO, business as usual.  Here’s how the NYE party turned out:

I got nice and liquored up to be able to handle the potential New Years Eve Party Disaster.  Only 2 out of the 3 suitors showed up.  Martin being the first. I chatted with him and was totally polite.  Then Bathroom Makeout Guy (BMG) showed up.  The minute he walked through the door, it was on.

He has what I call a “lingering touch” meaning he leaves his hand or arm there just a little bit longer to let you know he’s interested.  I had to dodge Martin but field these little flirtations here and there.  It was totally hot.   At one point we were in the kitchen and he was making me a drink.  With no one within ear shot I scolded him for opening his big mouth about our bathroom makeout session on Halloween (his roommate is one of my best guy friends and thinks BMG is a dog and doesn’t want me anywhere near him-I got an earful from said guy friend about the whole thing).  BMG tells me that he didn’t say anything and that my friend caught him slinking out of the bathroom right after me  (God, I am SO classy, lol).

At this point I am about 6 or 7 drinks deep but still able to edit myself whenever I see Martin walk in the room and I’m talking to BMG.  Of course, I think I’m being smooth but a friend of mine came up to me and was asking about that guy I was flirting with so maybe I wasn’t so slick.  I figure I have been pretty straight forward with Martin and I should just do what I want and if his feelings are hurt, then that’s his fault for even showing up.  Still…I try to play it nice and make sure not to be too obvious in front of Martin.    So BMG and I continue to steal moments with each other throughout the party.  He stands a little too close, brushes his arm against my back as we walks by, plays with my hair when he thinks no one is looking…very sexy.

Did I mention BMG does MMA and his body is sick??  Anyway…

The NYE countdown happens. I do not kiss BMG or Martin.  But I am WASTED at this point.  Not sick wasted, but happy-go-lucky-wasted where everyone is my best friend and the world is wonderful.

A little bit later BMG lets me know he’s leaving. We unfortunately could not sneak away for any bathroom fun during the party as it was a pretty small gathering and it would’ve been noticed by everyone.  He has me walk him out – the rest of his friends are halfway to the sidewalk heading towards the cab. I’m standing at the door my body still inside the house but my head peaking through.  We both look to see that no one is watching and he grabs my face and plants a kiss on me.

I remember passing out on the couch but I ended up sleeping on the living room floor of my friends house.  People are still up partying but I am too drunk and tired to do anything but snore.  At 3 AM I get a text from GT wishing me Happy New Year.

All in all, it was a great way to start 2011.

 

 

 

Posted in Bathroom Makeout Guy (BMG), Grand Theft (GT), Martin | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments »

And it counts!!!

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 20, 2010


Yep!  More than just the tip this time.

GT and I hung out this weekend. He invited me up to a party in a fancy schmancy area. I reluctantly said yes and was getting ready to drive up to meet him. He called me up and said he would come see me instead so I wouldn’t have to drive in the rain…

A few of my friends were over and he was polite and personable. We were going to head out to a bar but it was raining so hard we decided to stay in.  My friends left and it was just the 2 of us.

We stayed up until 4 in the morning talking. A few kisses here and there but for the most part we behaved.   He opened up quite a bit and I felt like we were really starting to get to know each other… He did try to impress me by name dropping quite a bit and showing off by calling a famous musician on the phone (who picked up) while we were watching his music video…  I don’t know if I was reacting the way he expected me too, but I could tell he was trying very hard. Here are some interesting tidbits from our conversation:

He made a point of talking to me about other chicks that he had dated in the past.  It got to the point where I was like, “Why are you telling me this?”  And then he was like, “Well I just want you to know I’m not like that anymore…I don’t want to just bang a bunch of chicks….What kind of dudes hit on you?  I bet you get hit on all the time”  Uhhh, no, not playing that game…. I didn’t answer and artfully changed the subject.  The way I interpreted it was that he was trying to show his value.  It came off as insecure though…

He told me he’s been breaking a lot of his own rules to hang out with me.  Like staying home on a Friday night, crashing an estrogen party (since a couple of my friends were over), driving with a broken tail light…

And here’s the BEST part…

While lying in bed (no sex yet):

GT: Wouldn’t that be funny if I got you pregnant?

AK: Uhhh, depends what your definition of funny is… (nervous laughing)

GT: No really, I bet your parents would freak out if you brought me home…

AK: (laughing…and glad the lights were out cuz I’m sure my face had this “WTF” look on it)

Silence

GT: What do you think our kids would look like?

AK: I don’t know if the world needs anymore Ashleees runinng around…

GT: I bet they would have your skin and my eyes…

AK: (Nervous laugher)  Maybe…

GT: Do you want kids?

AK: I think so, yes… not anytime soon, but I think I probably do…

GT: Well I’m glad I have my daughter already, cuz she’s amazing, but I probably would have kids again with the right person and the right situation.

We fell asleep talking and in the morning he woke me up and we had some sloppy morning sex.  It was good 🙂  Then we went back to sleep. He left later in the morning.

Thoughts?  Questions? So what now?

Posted in Crushes during Celibacy, Grand Theft (GT), Hm. Inneresting... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 28 Comments »

I guess the tip counts – the end of the AK Celibacy Project 2010 (in detail!)

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 6, 2010


Ok, so it’s over!  According to the comments on the last post, and other feedback I’ve been receiving, the tip counts, and the Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-2011, is officially over.

Disappointed?  Sad?  Surprised?  Expectant? No one cares no one cares no one cares?  Haha, well…

Since the project officially ended on Friday night I’ve had some time to reflect.  I’m a little disappointed myself, but all in all, I think I’m ok. I’ve learned some things about myself and really that was the whole point, right?

But before I get into all that, as promised, for Racer X, here is the Last Temptation of AK, in more detail:

Friday afternoon I get a call from GT.  We chat for a few minutes and he asks me what I’m doing that night. I tell him I’ve planned a night in watching a Zombie film and that I’m planning to lay low.  He tells me he’s taking his friend Betty (who I’ve met) out to dinner for a belated birthday present but he’s not sure what he’s doing afterwards.  I can tell he’s waiting for me to say something like, oh we should hang out, but I say nothing.  Then he says, well if I’m up by your neck of the woods, I’ll call you.  Ok, have fun tonight, I tell him, fully not expecting to hear from him at all.

A couple hours later I get a text from him – he is staying on a yacht tonight and invites me down for some drinks.  Hm.  I wait about 10 or 15 minutes before I text back, pondering whether I should go and exactly how much trouble I’m willing to get into tonight.  I throw caution to the wind and text him back yes.

Then, in true AK fashion I begin to worry.   I’d be driving very far to get where he is…if we have drinks and I get too drunk, I can’t exactly cab it home…is he expecting sex?  Am I a cheap whore if I drive down there to hang out tonight…?  And more importantly…what am I going to wear??

I decide the best thing to do is give myself options – I don’t want to be stuck staying with him on the yacht with the expectation of sex so I find a nice hotel room right by the harbor and book it.

I get there and he gives me a big hug and kiss.   It turns out Betty is there too.  It’s the three of us…

Have I been roped into a threesome?!

I panic slightly for a second but don’t let it show.  It’s actually nice to see Betty – she’s really sweet and I’m trying to set her up with one of my friends.  Although I still don’t know what the angle is with her being there,. I just play it cool and decide to enjoy myself and see what happens…

He makes us some drinks and we all start chatting.  At first I’m a little nervous around GT and it turns out he’s a little nervous around me.  Having another female there sets me at ease and I’m able to talk with her and observe him observing me, and yeah, he’s nervous!  He won’t sit next to me.  He keeps standing up.  Then when he sits down next to me, he’ll put his arm around me, but he won’t sit for very long.  Then he’ll get up again and fiddle with the music.

At this point I’ve already let him know that I’m staying at hotel.  He’s surprised and asks why I’m not staying on the boat with him and Betty and I just smile and shrug my shoulders.  He says, that’s ok, I’ll be following you back to the hotel…I tell him, ok that’s fine, if you want to sleep on the balcony.  He smiles back.  He goes outside to mess with some control on the boat and it’s just me and Betty.

At this point Betty and I have established a comraderie.

AK: Is it just me, or does he seem nervous?

B:  He’s nervous.  You intimidate him.

AK: I do?  How so? (This girl is AWESOME giving me the inside scoop)

B: He can’t impress you like he tries to impress other girls.  He’s not sure what to do.

I find this interesting since our lunch date he seemed so calm and cool.

AK: Ohhh.  Am I doing something to make him nervous?

B:  No, no, you’re fine!  You’re being cool.  He just doesn’t know what to do around you.  You’re different (I hear all the alphas, quietly chuckling).

I’m about 3 or 4 drinks deep and definitely tipsy. I start the prowl.   As he’s giving me a tour of the boat, I grab his hand, pull him in and kiss him.  He’s a little surprised, but as I turn around and head up the stairs, he says, “You’re a baaad girl huh?” and smacks my ass.  I jump a bit, giggle and head up the stairs smiling….

GT wants to come back to the hotel with me and leave Betty on the yacht.  I tell him no, he can’t do that, he needs to stay with her on the boat.  She insists he goes with me. (Whew, they weren’t trying to rope me in for a threesome!).  I’m finally convinced (drink 5 or 6?).

We get back to the hotel.  It’s very nice view with an ocean view (I’m a baller – I don’t mess around).  He’s impressed.  I put some music on.  We climb into bed…

We start cuddling.  I have my face nuzzled in his neck.  I’m wearing nothing but a t-shirt and my underwear.  He has his arm around me.  I start kissing him on the neck and the cheek.  He doesn’t move his face at all.  Hmm, Drunk AK is starting to think maybe GT isn’t attracted to her…Drunk AK thinks why isn’t he attacking me??  Drunk AK wants to know why he isn’t kissing back??

Drunk AK: Kiss me.  What’s wrong?

GT:  Nothing is wrong.

He kisses me finally on the lips.  No tongue.  WTF, Drunk AK thinks…I need some tongue action here…

GT:  We have plenty of time to have sex. There’s no rush.

Wait, wait, plenty of time? Tonight?  Or…what does he mean?  Shit.  I’m freaking drunk.

Drunk AK: Who said anything about sex?  I just want you to kiss me.

At this point I’m cooing in his ear and pressing my body tight against his.  He remains frozen.

GT:  I really really need you to be a good girl.  You don’t understand…

Drunk AK: I don’t?  My hands are rubbing his arm and chest as I softly kiss his cheek.

GT: Trust me.  Let’s just lay here.

Drunk AK isn’t really listening and I grab his face and give him the most seductive kiss I can muster in my drunken state.  Then, as if a switch is flipped, he’s kissing me back.  His hands are everywhere, on my nipples, in my hair, grabbing my face, rubbing me over my underwear.  We are tearing at each other.

He flips me onto my side and his hands are all over my ass, my breasts, my stomach.  He is grinding into me and I’m grinding back.  He’s hard.  Very hard.  And I can tell he’s big.  (Thank God).  He slides a hand underneath my underwear and says, “Oh god, you’re so wet.”

I guess that’s what 4 months of sexual frustration will do.

Next thing you know, he’s on top of me and he starts to slide it in.  Keep in mind, it’s been 4 months and I’m a little tight – haven’t been using the Rabbit since it broke and I didn’t really use the dildo part of it anyway.  I gasp and he says, “Oh my god, you’re so tight…”

The tip is in.  We’re staring straight into each others eyes and even though I want this guy to completely tear me a part all night long.  I stop him.  I can tell he doesn’t want to stop and that it takes a lot for him to disengage and move from between my legs.  We are both breathing heavily as he lays down next to me.  See? He says.  That’s why I didn’t want to kiss you back…

He spent the night and left around 10 am with a kiss goodbye.   He texted me later in the day and then called yesterday.  He’s been attentive and sweet so far.

Things for me to keep in mind:

1.  Just because I’m interested in someone doesn’t mean I can’t still work on the relationship with myself.  Perhaps this is a good exercise in balance – can I date GT while maintaining the relationship with myself?  I think the answer is yes.

2.  Don’t get drunk the next time I’m trying not to have sex.

3.  Just because he put the tip in doesn’t mean we now have to start screwing like rabbits.

4.  Apparently 1 year of celibacy is unrealistic for AK.  But it’s all about the process – being able to blog about my thoughts and experiences and get feedback has been amazing.

Day 98/365 the AK Celibacy Project Ends.

Thoughts on the end of the project?  The tip?  Betty?  Should I continue to blog?

Posted in Guys are awesome, Near slip ups!, Sexytime | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 53 Comments »

Does the tip count?

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 4, 2010


Soooo….. Hung out with GT last night….

I’d go into details but it would just make me more smitten than I already am…I’m also exhausted so I will fill you all in later…

Does the tip count?? Is it time for me to end my project???

Posted in Crushes during Celibacy, Grand Theft (GT), Guys are awesome, Near slip ups! | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments »

Time to re-boot

Posted by ashleeekaren on December 2, 2010


Just reading over some of my recent posts and considering all the comments that have been made and you know what?!  I need to re-boot.

I started this blog so that I could document my celibacy project, and in the past few weeks it’s turned into just another dating blog… For shame, Ashleee Karen, for SHAME.

So I’m re-booting.   Time to go back to where I started – trying not to have sex for a year and using that year to explore me and who I am.  Who is AK?  What does AK want? Where does AK see herself in the next 5 years?  And why is AK writing in the 3rd person???

Now, there’s nothing wrong with dating blogs – I read some of them quite enthusiastically…but if I lose sight of the theme of this blog, then I lose sight of this project and I don’t want to do that.  Reading the last few posts, I’m like, so annoyed with myself.  I just wanna scream SHUT THE %#$! UP ASHLEEE! I will probably talk about dudes here and there, and I will give you guys updates on GT and Martin if any become available, but only as it pertains to my project.  SO this is where I’ve decided to leave things with those guys:

GT: If it happens, it happens.  If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.  He called the other day but I didn’t even care enough to post about it.  I’m not going to get drawn into his world…not because I’m a princess or I think I’m so unique or so wonderful, but because the more I’m drawn into what he wants, thinks, needs, and does, the less time I have to concentrate on what I want, think, need, and do.

Martin: I am going to give myself 3 months and re-visit the issue then. I honestly just don’t want to deal with him right now.  I’m still upset with him and I need to figure out why, and how I can stop, before I even consider going out on a date with the guy.

See, this is what I do.  I tell myself, no I’m not gonna date, I’m going to take a break, blah blah blah blah.  And then inevitably some dude comes along and wants to take me out, or some loser ex crawls out of some godforsaken hole with all these feelings and crap, and then all of a sudden it’s like, OHHHH, what should I do? What should I do??

It’s annoying.  I annoy myself.  Who CARES about these dudes?  I need to stop using these men as a distraction from myself and just learn to BE.  Be AK, not AKwhoisdatingGT, or AKwhoMartinwantstodateagain.  Just be AK.

SO,  Ctrl, Alt and Del!

Which brings us to this:

Today is Day 97/365 of the Ashleee Karen Celibacy Project 2010-11.

Days since Actual sex? 116.

Days until my new vibrator arrives?  5-7 business days.

😉

Posted in Trying to Maintain..., Uncategorized, Why I'm doing this | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments »

The Logistics of a Grand Theft Lunch

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 28, 2010


So I had my lunch date with Grand Theft on Weds and didn’t immediately post as the Thanksgiving holiday and eating large amounts of turkey took up most of my weekend.

I’m glad I didn’t post immediately, although sometimes the thoughts that are coming right out of your head are the best ones to write down.  I wanted to let the date simmer a bit, and think about all of the things I’ve been learning in this blogosphere and in the past year.

Some have commented that he is a PUA, but a “natural”.  That’s a definite possibility given his career and background.  (He’s a musician who has toured the world, worked with big names, and is talented in his own right.  I won’t tell you what kind of music he plays, nor who the big names are, nor what movies or projects he’s worked on.  But with all that under his belt, I’m SURE he has been getting all sorts of tail without having to try very hard.)  I try to keep an open mind when I read blogs and when people comment on my blog.  On top of that, I’m highly analytical but would be lying if I said my emotions (or rationalization hamster) can sometimes talk my way into and out of, nearly anything.

The Logistics:

  • It was a weekday.  Middle of the day, lunch, and he chose a neutral spot – an upscale neighborhood.  I don’t live close and neither does he.
  • Leading up to the date there have been no overtly sexual texting.  A little flirting, but most of it G rated.  He has a nickname for me, but it’s not R rated.
  • The restaurant he took me to was owned by a friend of his.  His friend was there and he introduced me.  They served beer and wine.  He didn’t ask if I wanted either. We both drank water.
  • The conversation never turned to sex or people we used to date or have sex with, etc, etc.
  • He paid and would not let me even go in for myself.

So there are the bullet points.  Here’s a little more detail:

I showed up about 20 minutes late. It was nightmare with all the traffic and parking, but he was totally cordial and nice about it. I was profusely apologetic but he wouldn’t even let me worry about it.  I was dressed cute – sexy with a sophisticated edge, so not slutty -black tights, grey suede cuffed boots, loose black top, no cleavage, and a black sweater.  Makeup was light – just mascara, lip gloss and a little blush.  He wore dark jeans, black t-shirt, newsboy cap and red converse.  I love red converse.

The conversation flowed for the most part.  I gotta admit, I was nervous as hell.  I don’t know what was wrong with me. I am usually pretty affable, conversational and easy to get along with. I am inquisitive but not intrusive, and I try to smile and laugh at all of your jokes.    But I was NERVOUS.  He set me at ease, asked me a lot of questions about myself and I returned the gesture.  If he was nervous, I couldn’t tell.

As I sat talking to him, I suddenly noticed he had blue eyes.  I mean, somewhere in my consciousness I think I knew he had blue eyes…but for some reason, as he talked, they struck me.  Hmm… I was becoming more and more attracted to him, even though the conversation was not overtly sexual…  I was trying to get to know him as a person, and not “Grand Theft-the musician”.

The bill came and I went to my purse. If a guy is the one asking me out, I prefer if he pays, but I always offer to at least pay for myself.  It’s only polite, and I don’t want the guy to think I’m out for a free lunch.  He wouldn’t let me pay so I said, “Ok, next one is on me.”  I smiled warmly at him and then said, “You like McDonalds?”  He laughed and said, “Yeah can I get the McChicken Grilled Sandwich?”  I didn’t miss a beat and replied, “Well…let’s not get crazy – only if it’s on the Extra Value Menu.”  We both laughed.

There was a slight lull in the conversation.  Then:

AK: You know, you have a lot of balls asking me out.

GT: (Smiling cautiously) Oh yeah? Why is that?

AK: Well, just the situation…  You being you, and me being me.  (That’s a paraphrase to protect private details -sorry)

GT: Ok…

AK: (Realizing how arrogant that came across)  No, no, I mean that in a good way.  Just put it this way – there have been a lot of guys who X (more editing) and I always say no.  You’re the first one I’ve said yes to.

(I’m watching him as he finally breaks out into a smile, turns his head to the side,  looks pleased with himself, then turns back to me)

GT: Well…I gotta keep it gangster.

I was also watching for PUA signs.  No negs, no kino – he didn’t even put his hand on the small of my back as he led me through the door (one move I’m a SUCKER for).  Although, I do have to disclose there was plenty of that at the party a couple weeks ago.  He walked me to my car like a perfect gentleman.  Didn’t try to hold my hand or put his arm around my shoulder (although that would’ve been hard as I was wearing boots with 3 inch heels, making me almost 6 ft).  NOTHING.

He gave me a kiss on the lips and a hug and said the dreaded, “We should do this again soon.” I stopped and looked at him and said, “Yeah?”  He said, “Yes absolutely.”  But he didn’t lock it down.

I texted him the next day to thank him again for lunch and let him know I had a nice time.  He texted back a cute reply and I haven’t texted him since. It’s been 3 days and I don’t know why I just don’t text him.  Maybe I’m not sure if he likes me and I want to see how he responds.  Maybe he’s not interested…

Or… maybe I’m just an idiot and I don’t know how to deal with a guy who is actually nice.  In the past 2 years I’ve been single and going out on dates, this is probably the nicest date I’ve been on.  Not because he took me to an upscale restaurant.  Not because he’s a musician, and not because he paid.  But because for the first time in the past 2 years, I feel like someone is genuinely interested in me as a person.  That was an adult date.  No one was trying to get in anyone’s head (at least I don’t think so), or in anyone’s pants.  He didn’t look at me with what I call “pervert eyes”, but actual sincere interest.

And even though he didn’t look at me with pervert eyes, I was imagining having sex with him. If I can imagine having sex with a guy, then I know I like him.  I hope I didn’t look at HIM with pervert eyes…  Anyway, I imagined us having sex in my bedroom – I imagine him to be a slow kisser at first, attentive, sweet, but after awhile, rough and sloppy in the sexiest way possible…  I imagined waking up in the morning to him sliding his hands across my back and stomach, and pulling me in closer to him…

I almost hope GT doesn’t text…I can already see I’ll be in trouble…

Thoughts on his logistics?  Do we have an Alpha? A Beta? Or is it too soon to tell…?  Should I text him back?  And should he be a candidate for aiding me in ending my project…?

Posted in Crushes during Celibacy, Grand Theft (GT), Guys are awesome | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments »

A weekend review and Monday musing: Does celibate = boring and bored…?

Posted by ashleeekaren on November 22, 2010


Weekend Review

After last weeks hectic work week I was excited for the weekend.  Ready to have a drink (or two, or three) and relax with friends.  Friday night brought the new Harry Potter film and yes, I am a nerd so I was super excited to watch it.  So Friday was a generally wholesome night.

Grand Theft texted me Friday night to say hello and say we should hang soon.  I was worried…was he trying to booty call me?  So I told him I would like that and left it at that.  Wanted to see what his reaction would be.  He called.  The first few minutes we exchanged pleasantries, hi, how are you, blah blah blah.  Then…:

GT: So I’d really like to take you out, maybe get some lunch.  What’s your schedule like next week?

AK: Weds is good for me.

GT: Great, then lets do Weds for lunch….And by the way, you know, don’t be afraid to call me…

AK: Afraid?  I’m not afraid… (puzzled tone)

GT:  I just mean that you’re a grown woman, independent, on point…you shouldn’t be afraid to do what you want and if you want to call or text me, you should.  I’m interested in you and if you’re interested in me, then you shouldn’t be afraid to show it.  I’m not going to baby you…

AK: (nervous laugh – I sometimes laugh when I’m nervous in social situations) Baby me?

GT: I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ll baby you in other ways, but not like that.

AK: (I was dying to have him elaborate on what these “other ways” were but I didn’t want the conversation to turn towards sex) Ok, got it.

GT: Good, good.  I hope I hear from you then.

AK: You will (a challenge, huh?) Good night.

Hmmmm…inneresting.  I thought the direct approach was refreshing…but because I’ve been reading too many damn blogs, I started over analyze everything he said…is he trying to set the tone? .Or is he just insecure and needs someone to stroke his ego…? Or maybe because he is who he is, he’s used to girls throwing themselves at him and blowing up his phone, and so far I’ve refused to do that…  Even as I type this, I’m continuing the dissection, but I should stop.  So I’ll just tell you about Saturday night, which segue ways into the 2nd part of this post:

Monday musing: Does Celibate = boring and bored…?

Boring – shopping for rugs for my friend. Don’t get me wrong, I love shopping and even though it took 4 people, to shove a rug, an accent table and two gigantic plastic storage boxes into my prius, I wouldn’t say it was the most exciting thing to happen this weekend.

Bored – after meeting up with a friend at this awful dive bar and leaving, NO ONE WANTED TO HANG OUT WITH US.

NO ONE.

We called up a friend to see if he wanted to grab a drink.  He brushed us off.

Two of our crew were with their boyfriends.  Inaccessible.

I had texted Grand Theft earlier in the day to see if he wanted to meet up for a drink. He told me not to be afraid, right?  That he wasn’t going to baby me like that, right?  He was hanging with a buddy but said he would see where they would be at and let me know.

Didn’t hear from him after that.  Nope.  And I wasn’t going to double text him.  I suppose the positive thing is that he didn’t booty call me.  Of course, that’s only positive if he wasn’t booty calling some other chick…

I am ashamed to admit I went to bed on Saturday feeling a little sorry for myself, and woke up on Sunday feeling the same way.  No one cares no one cares no one cares…  Hahahahaha…

I spent most of yesterday pondering why I felt so boring and bored.  Did it have to do with this celibacy project?  I don’t consider myself a boring person most of the time.  And I understand that if there isn’t any drama then that can be a good thing.  Not saying at all that I want to end the project.  At this point, I’m emotionally invested in seeing this project through so IF I were to end it early, it wouldn’t be just because I’m bored.  It would have to be for somebody special and deserving of my time and attention…

In the meantime I will work on being something other than bored and horny…

Posted in Crushes during Celibacy, Grand Theft (GT), Hm. Inneresting..., Trying to Maintain... | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 61 Comments »

 
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