Marry Him…? (No, not the book…yet)
Posted by ashleeekaren on November 30, 2010
Ok, it’s still sitting on my night stand. But now is the best time to read it I think.
Martin just dropped the bomb on me.
Yes, yes I realize I’ve been talking about GT a lot lately – trying to figure him out, etc, etc (annoying myself at this point when it comes to GT…)
But Martin called today and dropped the bomb on me.
He wants to be with me.
Where did this come from?
We’ve been hanging out here and there as friends. My friend Sharon and I were bored and last weekend I texted him:
AK: What are you doing?
MB: Sorry just saw your texts. I’m down at ______ with a few friends.
AK: How long you gonna be there?
AK: We’re out at dinner. Just finished eating and we’re gonna head home and change.
MB: Should be here till they close
AK: Who u with (sent by Sharon on my phone)
MB: Yeah a few old people and a few new ones.
MB: Maybe you don’t want to come
AK: Are you being serious
AK: Next time you don’t want me to hang, don’t bother texting me back and I will get it.
MB: You can always hangout. Just wanted to let you know.
AK: Yeah – no thanks.
Sharon was smart. She knew he was seeing a chick but didn’t want me to show up and have her be there. Which is why she wanted to know who he was with. I wasn’t thinking that way – I just figured that he wouldn’t respond and tell me where he’s at unless he wanted to meet up.
I was pissed. I don’t know why. He has every right to date someone new. I guess I just don’t want to know about them directly…
Anyway he texted me today to ask if I hated him. I called him and said, no I don’t hate you, but you’re an idiot for even texting me at all that night. Especially if you knew you were going to hang with some girl. He apologized and said he wasn’t thinking. Then this:
“Ever since we’ve been broken up, I’ve been trying to find someone who is just like you. This girl I was dating – she’s a lot like you, but I realized I don’t want a replacement. So I ended it with her. I want the real thing.”
I still have feelings for him. And yes, Riv, to answer your questions – he is husband material. He is a Beta – he’s thoughtful, considerate, often places my needs before his own. He always treated me with kindness and respect, and didn’t want anything from me but to just BE with me… He would be a good husband and an even better father. He’s a bit lacking in the career and goals department – I don’t feel like he can keep up with me, but I’m being told I shouldn’t be so “picky”. Whatever that means…
He is a good man and if I let him, he will spend his life trying to make me happy.
So why aren’t I jumping at the chance to be with him again?
What is the difference between Martin and all these other guys I’ve been spending time with over the past 2 years…?
The difference is that Martin fucked up. Big time. And when he did, he broke my heart, and it still hurts. GT and the rest of the guys I’ve dated haven’t fucked up like that yet. So I give them a shot, while Martin waits in the wings.
I don’t want to keep looking for “Prince Charming” who I KNOW doesn’t exist, and then blink, and as Riv is always ALWAYS telling me, years have gone by and my youth and good looks and social value is gone and then I’m a cougar…
But I just don’t know how to forgive him. I still resent him and I need to get over it. I hang onto my resentment because it protects me from being hurt by him again. Ugh, that is so bitter and awful sounding, but it’s the honest truth.
Ashleee Karen 
Gwen said
(I’ll be reading back and trying to find out more about Martin but for now…)
Whoa. Forgiveness is so hard. So very very hard. My first reaction was, ‘awwwwwe, how SWEET!’ And then I thought about talking the talk vs. walking the walk.
It reminds me of Riv’s advice to put feelings on a shelf and look at how he treats you.
Words come so easy to people. I love you. I hate you! You’re the best, you’re the worst, I miss you, I want you. Words are fluff until a foundation of trust has been established. I’m hearing that you don’t trust him. And depending on how he fucked up, that is valid. The question is whether or not you want to do the hard work in forgiving him for fucking up, and then the hard work of learning to trust again.
What do you want to do?
ashleeekaren said
I have no idea what I want to do. Almost wish he never said anything. Much easier to worry about problems with GT and whether he’ll text…
As for his actions – he keeps breaking up with chicks because they aren’t me – this isnt the first time he’s told me this since we broke up.
But getting to forgiveness is a lot of hard work. Don’t know if I’m up for it.
Gwen said
“Almost wish he never said anything.” This is totally understandable.
So his actions are that he’s breaking up with women who aren’t you. But what are his actions with you? Does he know how he fucked up? Is working toward earning your forgiveness and trust? Or is he just being a jerk and staying in your life with these confessions.
Feels a little like Big and Carrie. They would break up, she would be heartbroken. She would, eventually, find love again, only to have Big show up and profess his love.
Where’s the action?
(And maybe you don’t want him back, or to have him in your life at all. That’s a choice you get to make.)
ashleeekaren said
Well we tried dating briefly when I first broke up with T, but I ended it because I was still upset with him and still reeling from the breakup with T. Martin is a really nice guy – does he light my fire like Big did for Carrie? No…I would compare him more to Aidan.
He wants a shot at earning my trust back. Says he’s not expecting an answer or for me to do anything. He just wanted to tell me how he feels.
dreamidreamed said
I know it sounds weird, but do you think that going to counseling together would help you determine if you could ever forgive him or not? I mean, I know what he did was terrible and I wouldn’t blame you if you never forgave him. But how else can he prove that he’ll never do it again?
ashleeekaren said
I was thinking about that…counseling…
I’ve been down that road before with couples counseling… I don’t know if anyone can ever set me at ease as to whether they’ll leave…so the issue really lies with me and whether I would even want to put myself out there again, especially with someone who has already done it to me.
I think the only way he can prove it is for me to give him a shot…I just dont know whether I even want to go that far.
dreamidreamed said
I know I should be the last person to say this, but there are no guarantees that someone won’t leave. But I agree that it is always a big risk to take, esp. with someone who already did it.
Rivelino said
Huge red flag: you texted him initially. You were the prime mover.
You text him. You guys chat. Then it comes out that he is not over you.
I call bs.
If he was so not over you, why didn’t HE get in touch with YOU.
Actions, not words.
Rivelino said
Oh at first I thought it was in the same conversation, but it was in a later conversation. Makes it slightly better.
ashleeekaren said
Here’s something interesting my friend said to me this morning: if a similar version of Martin came along, who would you choose? Martin v. 1.0? Or Martin v.2.0?
The answer is Martin v.2.0.
Why?
Because Martin v.2.0 has not wronged me. It’s a clean slate. I will take that any day over a guy who has already proven himself to be someone who runs when he’s scared.
ashleeekaren said
I’m leaving out a lot of the backstory cuz I tend to be long-winded in my posts. He does call me up and try to hang out. He is also friends with a close friend of mine so I see him a lot. He’s always inviting me to hang out, get something to eat, etc, etc.
And I am trying to stick with actions, not words, but he doesn’t get a chance to prove his words unless I let him act. I’ve known for the past 2 years that if I wanted to be with him, I would just have to tell him – he’s told me that already and I know it to be true.
The question is whether I can forgive him and stop resenting him.
So not only am I afraid he will do something stupid again, like get up and leave out of nowhere (I’ve posted about this already), but I’m also afraid I will ruin the relationship with all my resentment and anger.
Rivelino said
Advice #2: READ THE BOOK. Then approach the issue.
Advice #3: Counseling is a joke. Read Married Man Sex Live. He has a great post on that. Will look for it if I remember.
Rivelino said
Did he cheat on you? Men cheat all the time. The question is, if you were in the hospital, would he be by your bedside around the clock. If you were sick, would he rush out at 4am to get you medicine.
Cheating? Whatever. Promise him a threesome a year if he is a good boy and only fools around in your presence.
ashleeekaren said
No, read this.
Yes he would be my bedside. And yes he would rush out to get me medicine at 4am.
Where’s Lily? I need her input…
Lily said
Hey, here she is. Quick pitstop. Random thoughts (sorry it’s late and I really need to go to bed, will check back when I have proper time/state of mind):
– your texts to him seem a bit aggressive
– i think you use him as a cushion/beta orbiter
– i don’t think he is a beta, more like a delta
– a delta who doesn’t own his own home at 36 or have any money in the bank to do so
dont be tempted by what you read in the ‘manosphere’ to ‘settle for a beta’. What they are calling a beta is not what I call a beta as you know.
Riv’s right to mention that book to you because though I haven’t read it I don’t think it’s actually saying settle, but be realistic not entitled. I am not sure I can stomach all that though.
You should think about what kind of guy you could realistically get to commit to you + get the best you can. You need to feel like you have chosen, not settled.
I think Lori whatshername can say what she like about marriage, she’s not married. She can look with rose tinted glasses at women who are married to boring guys but she doesn’t know what it’s like to live with one to one day in day out.
Boring guys are fine for boring girls. I don’t think you’d ever be happy with one. You’d feel like you settled and you would cheat on him or leave him. Or feel very frustrated.
‘If you were sick, would he rush out at 4am to get you medicine’
Alpha or beta will do this for you IF he loves you and has committed to you. The only person who wouldn’t do this is some unreliable type (who could be alpha, beta, delta or gamma). Or someone who hasn’t committed to you, at least in his heart. I can’t think of a single alpha person I know who wouldn’t do this for his wife or gf that he loves if she needed it. The only advantage a beta or delta has in this scenario is that he may do it for someone whom he doesn’t fully love or has committed to.
nothingbutthetruth said
‘If you were sick, would he rush out at 4am to get you medicine’
Alpha or beta will do this for you IF he loves you and has committed to you.
Of course, but there are only a few alphas and there are surrounded by lots of women willing to give casual sex. So the chance of getting an alpha to commit TO YOU and love YOU is slim.
Lily said
When I said I couldnt stomach all that, I meant whiny american woman bleating (no offence, she’s a particular type of person) I think the book actually sounds good except for the stupid headline (something the bitches book which I’ve actually read suffers from too, I suppose they deliberately go for confrontational headlines to sell more books) not the message. I believe Evan Mark Katz helped write that book.
You need to hook the best guy you can (realistically) get for a relationship which works now and works in the future. Someone you love madly but you can build a future with, a long lasting relationship and children (the relationship needs to be the centre with children as part of it, not children the centre).
I’m just not sure you are ready yet. But time’s not on your side. But you shouldn’t rush into things because of that. Maybe you should just focus on you for 3 months, make sure that you can be the best you that you can be.
ashleeekaren said
I’m not sure I’m ready yet either…I think taking the 3 months to think about it is a good idea. I was just thinking earlier about how I just want to shelve this for awhile and just concentrate on me.
There have been too many bees buzzing around the honey pot lately…
Gwen said
“I was thinking earlier about how I want to shelve this for a while and just concentrate on me.”
You’re a smart woman. Any counselor worth their weight would tell you just this. (Only problem is that from my own experience, that’s so much easier said than done.)
ashleeekaren said
I know! This blog used to be about my celibate project. In the past couple weeks it’s turned into a dating blog…
Yuck. I need to re-boot. I’ve taken my list of 3 hobbies Riv and I discussed and have been doing at least one of them a day to bring the focus back on myself and not these orbiting men who do nothing but take up my time and energy with little reward…
mrlovingkindness said
I am glad to see that you are reaffirming your intention to concentrate on yourself.
This might seem odd, but your happiness doesn’t really depend much on what other people do.
By way of example, forgiving your ex will benefit your mental health regardless of whether or not you get back together.
-Saddha / MrLovingKindness
ashleeekaren said
I’ve been thinking about that – how perhaps I should forgive him just for myself, and not to necessarily achieve something with him.
I’m shelving this whole issue.
Time to get back to my roots…
Vodka and Ground Beef said
Oh my god. You’re so honest and self-aware. I’m definitely sending you the chastity belt, but I’m also sending one of your lucky lovers the key. Only you won’t know which one.
Lily said
Vodka!! AK, you are so honoured.
ashleeekaren said
I know!!! First time she commented, I almost fell out of my chair…
Lily said
I’m envious..it really is the worst of the sins.
ashleeekaren said
What about greed? Or sloth… Did you see the movie Seven?
Lily said
was it the one with Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt? Yes..but don’t remember much about it…can’t think why..lol
ashleeekaren said
Uhhh, probably because you blocked out how gruesome of a movie it is. But then again, it’s David Fincher and he does have a penchant for in your face violence…
It’s a great movie, btw.
ashleeekaren said
Keeping me on the edge of my seat! I like it…